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Limited in what i can write here -please understand. Aging & loving recently widowed parent with early dementia wants to help POA & atty make complex estate decisions with both +/- implications. She understands in the moment, but short term memory probs impact retention. Wants to be involved, and she gets frustrated when discussing.



Adult child with severe mental health probs ( & no support system), w/ minimal self-awareness, is imposing immeasurable challenges to mother & poa & atty. Atty says parent #1 priority. POA agrees. But, adult child, unable & unwilling to participate meaningfully, is throwing up unpredictable & seemingly insurmountable road blocks at every turn, impacting not only herself, but parent & POA too.



Prob: Cannot stop adult child frm exercising bad judgement. But what can be done to prevent her from majorly interfering, which will make it all worse for all, both short & long term. Previous Suggestions have included RO. Possible, but adds to already impossible tasks of poa (who has no support system). Another suggestion: elder care atty could write "back off" letter. Also ok, but this will trigger adult child significantly & possibly make things worse.



Hoping a reader will relate & have some guidance.



I know this is hard without more specific info. Pls do the best you can & i will try to answer best i can. 🤞🙏 Feel like im already losing. Beyond overwhelmed with no end in sight.

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If you are the POA why does it matter what sibling wants, or is in any way involved in decisions. Can you not work with just your attorney to get business done? Probably I don’t have enough info, but I’m guessing sibling lives with mom. Make arrangements for mom and have support in the form of another person when removing her from the home. After mom is settled work to do whatever is needed for sibling. You need to stop thinking you have to discuss and involve a mentally ill person. Your lack of having, and following through with a plan, is what is overwhelming you. Way too much drama which never settles anything.
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pleasegodhelp Feb 2023
I don't think the OP outright says who has the POA. She speaks of the POA as if it is one of her siblings but then says the POA has no support system (is the OP not support for the POA?) and at other times sounds like she is the POA (is she talking about herself in the 3rd person?): "Mom, sibling, & POA" -- if there are only two siblings then one is the adult child and the other is the the OP, who is also the POA, and talking about herself in the 3rd person. If she is not the POA then there are 3 siblings total, so why is the OP talking like no one in this family has an ally -- she stated that both the POA and the adult child have no support. If she's the POA she has all the power. If the sibling is the POA then that sibling has the support of the OP....Something doesn't add up.

So what if the adult child doesn't have a support system. What does that have to do with your mother -- what currency does this severely mentally ill sibling have if you or a trusted sibling are the POA? Is this "adult child" currently caring for your mother? Is that your concern? If so, you can kiss any chance of credibility goodbye because why would someone who cares about the well-being of a beloved mother allow her to live with a sibling that she deems to be "severely mentally ill"? Any sane daughter with a POA would extricate her without delay. Is this final unfished business going for guardianship of your mother? Are you fearing her reaction? You can't play that both ways. You can't ask a "severely mentally ill" sibling to care for your mother, and simultaneously try to get guardianship of your mother. Possession is 9/10 of the law. If she's with this "adult child" and claims to be happy and content and her dementia is only mild with some memory issues your own lucidity and mental well-being (or motives) may be called into question.

Just operating on theory as that's all we have to work with but I'm sorry...it's just not adding up for me. I'd very much like to know where your mother is now, who is caring for her, how she is doing and if there have been any complaints from Mom.
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I assume you are the POA. You have an attorney and that attorney has given you good advice, that the parent is the priority. Be guided by this attorney. Let go and let him or her handle it. The sibling cannot enter a room nor make a difference in any other way as long as the POA is responsible and employs a good attorney to act in the best interest of the parent. Hard to go through, but you will have to just know the basics, and rely on them.
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If mom cannot retain important information, she nay no longer be competent to make these changes.

Have you discussed guardianship with atty?
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I’m sorry for your recent loss. Focus on helping your mom through her grieving. Add life to her time and time to her life. Make her as happy and comfortable as you can. The future knowledge that you did so will be greater than any inheritance you could ever get.

As far as the estate goes, let the chips fall where they may and don’t get involved. Let the lawyer assess whether your mother has adequate capacity to make estate changes based on the laws of her state. No attorney would risk their legal license and ability to all future earnings to earn an hourly fee to draft documents for someone who no longer has sufficient capacity.

Take no legal action. There will be plenty of lawyers that will “help you” but they will just take your money - and at the same time, this will make you look greedy.

A minimal capacity loss will not impact her ability to make changes to estate planning. Your mother’s lawyer will be observing you (and the mentally ill and/or any other sibling) and notes of everything that is happening will make it into the “file.”

After my dad died, a few of my multiple siblings started counting their future inheritance. They also teamed up and collectively hired an attorney or three who gave them pricey and irrelevant advice. I heard one of my siblings, suffering from financially tough times, even went boat shopping. (They did not however, come visit, write or call mom). They did call her estate lawyer and say “quasi-threatening” things to the attorney. He made copious notes which later became court evidence.

When speaking of my siblings, Mom told her estate attorney, “Aren’t they supposed to wait until I die before they start picking at my bones?” How sad!
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I read in some of your responses below that this attorney is in another state and you and Mom are meeting with him on zoom. I don't see how this can work in an instance of someone with your Mom's current status.
I fail to see how the sibling figures in this at ALL. The sibling should not even be having this discussed with him or her. In fact as POA for your Mom you are beholden not to discuss her affairs with others without her permission. If Mom herself is including this sibling then you do have perhaps someone more impaired than it seems, who cannot make decisions on important estate matters on zoom with an attorney not in your area.
I suggest a good trust and estate attorney in your own area who will work with you and your Mom. I suggest not discussing ANY OF THIS with a mentally impaired sibling, or anyone else if your Mom wants to make important changes.
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I lived it and am still dealing with it. I am p.o.a. And have a sister with mental issues that is not self aware of her own issues. She has done everything possible to cause problem. Made false allegations. Made false reports. Made illegal purchases. Basically stirred the pot as much as she can and could. All the while playing the victim and or hero. My best advice is to document everything. Hire a social worker. Exercise your D.P.O.A a protect your loved one with a do not contact order or PPO. I let my sister pull all her shenanigans without one but it was close to becoming a legal blow out. The P.O.A is more powerful than you think. Use it and reach out to places and people that deal with these issues. Hospice, elder care homes and support groups like you are doing. I feel for you. Thank God my little local town knows mine is a nut case. I wish you the best of luck
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Hope65 Feb 2023
Please tell more about the PPO for LO. What do you know about the process? I don't want to, but may need to...for me, too. Very fearful of implications from sibling -- I'm pretty traumatized, honestly. This situation is so difficult and not at all what those responding make it out to be. Granted my post is a bit cryptic. Dont want it to become legal, bc those are the most horrible battles & I don't think I'd make it. . She could pull the legal card if i get PPO - very unpredictable. Unfortunately, im not in a place where people know about adult sibling -- im on my own. Thanks for your reply.
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Guessing the Elder Law Attorney could request a psychiatrist to evaluate sister for competency and have a judge consider a cease and desist order if the test proves what you've said.
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JoAnn29 Feb 2023
It really doesn't matter if Mom or the POA are Executor. The sister has no say in how the Will is handled as long as its handled the way it is written. Even then, beneficiaries can't contest until the final accting.
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Power of attorney documentation can help elderly adults give the power to care for their medical and financial needs to another trusted individual. Should their health decline to the point that they cannot make those decisions for themselves, the agent named in a power of attorney will step in and handle those needs. Often a power of attorney is an adult child who lives near the individual and can handle these affairs, but sometimes this can create tension between the adult siblings.
A power of attorney document gives the agent the right to legally sign documents, make healthcare decisions, and take care of financial transactions on behalf of your parent. Under the law, they are required to act in the best interests of your parent. They are not allowed to do specific things, including:
If the judge finds that your sibling has been abusing your parent as the power of attorney, you can prosecute that sibling for things like fraud, embezzlement, exploitation, and theft. These are serious crimes that can lead to imprisonment and steep fines. State laws will dictate how much those fines will be, but these are serious consequences that have a far-reaching impact.
Because of these severe consequences, the courts do not take these accusations lightly. You will need ample evidence of fraud or abuse to start this type of case. Always work with a legal team that is well-versed in elder law and elder abuse scenarios. This will ensure you can build a solid case to protect your parent against these serious crimes.
Matilda
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JoAnn29 Feb 2023
The POA is not the mentally ill child.
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Hope, its been 8 days since you posted. I think we could give you more peace of mind if we knew a little more.

I am assuming that you are probating Dads Will? Parents lived in another State? Mom is now with you? Sibling lives in another state but is it the same State the Lawyer is in? Or a different state altogether from you and the lawyer?

Your Mom has a Dementia she cannot participate in the decisions that need to be made. Its costing you time and money. The same with ur sibling sticking their nose in. Every time the lawyer has to talk to ur sibling, it cost the estate money. If Mom is executor, she should not be. The lawyer can request a new assignment since the Executor is incompetent to make informed decisions. In your situation, I would allow the lawyer to be the Executor. That way neither you or Mom have anything to do with the Will. He can refer to you if he has questions as Moms POA.

How does this sibling harass you? Can u block them? The Lawyer can tell his secretary he does not want to talk to the sibling. Are you even beneficiaries? Usually the wife receives everything. Its not until her Will that their are beneficiaries.
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Hi & your not alone. I’m also dealing with an unhinged sibling. My brother appointed himself medical POA & is busy manipulating my parents out of their home & asets. Also my father has prostrate cancer & had my father call his drs & tell them refuse me assess to their medical files. That way last March to now him using my fathers initials & identity fraud. But I’ve kept a journal, watching my brother incriminate himself w criminal activity but I have witnesses. I live out of state.
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