Viridiana Asked March 25, 2024
How to resist one full month holiday with a narcissistic, emotionally immature mother?
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My mother expressed the desire to go to the seaside, so my husband and me rented a small villa at the seaside for a month. I wanted to make her happy with satisfying her wish, but for me it will be hell on earth. She is stupid, lying, inappropriate, toxic; gives backhand compliments, and is so insincere that it makes me sick.
Can anyone suggest me an effective strategy to cope so that this month doesn't kill me?
I am sad to say that I really cannot stand her, so I need some very good strategy to put up.
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The USA was different. There was an expanding population, new land being settled and new houses built. The bride’s expectations were that ‘you build me a house, all painted white’, not that I live in your parents’ house as an unpaid servant. While many migrants brought their ‘parents rule’ culture with them, it wasn’t so deeply entrenched.
That could explain why you hear more about the problems here than in Italy. Interesting?
My Aunt was first American her parents immigrated from north of Rome. Devout Catholics and lived in an neighborhood of Italians. So her Mom spoke Italian in home and at work. She lived with my Aunt inventually.
Say yes, go on the shared holiday. Learn how to get along.
Go no contact.
Pick one.
PS I just saw your reply where a solution & compromise has been found. Good for you! Boundaries are hard work but worth it.
Enjoy the holiday. Know you have other options next time.
After your comments I thought and thought and then came up with one easy and harmless solution: we rented two small places and I invited her sister to be with her. So this means that she will have her place and her companion and I only have to spend some very little time with her while me and my husband are elsewhere. She was even happier with this solution and me and my husband also were relieved. Yes I have been in therapy and it has helped me enormously, I am confident I can overcome this situation with this solution. We will have friends coming over so she knows we will be busy and not being around her too much.
The residential home is not an option, here the best ones are extremely expensive, and the affordable ones are really horrible places.
Plus, I have reduced the holiday for her to two weeks.
We are emptying our house in order to rent it for the Jubilaeum year which will begin next year, and this will put some more distance.
Italy is (was, we have zero growth since 1993) a place where family is considered extremely important, so rather than putting her somewhere it would be much better for us to move and provide her with a help for the house.
I think I cannot plan it better than this.
You made me feel not alone and gave me useful advices and human support, I have never been so grateful to the technology that allowed me to talk and make exchanges with other people who were or are in similar situations.
I will keep you posted about how this strategy worked, but this time I am optimistic. And yes, I will organise myself to spend less and less time with her; she goes well with her younger sister and I feel really relieved.
Thank you so much for your support, I am sure that also here in Italy there are people with my same problem, but they don't talk about it openly and I have never found a discussion place like this, it is really a cultural taboo...
Love to all of you, this has been really comforting to me.
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Wonderful news!
Please stay in touch to let us know how you are doing. Even if it is just to vent. We have all vented from time to time.
Wishing you all the best. Enjoy your time at the beach with your husband!
What I don’t get is how similar questions pop up. The OP is long gone. They are very old posts.
These random ancient posts aren’t closed. People click on them thinking that they are current and post a reply. Most people don’t notice the date that the post was made.
Yet, more recently posted questions are closed. Even some that were posted in Discussions.
I do like the ongoing posts like, What’s for dinner? On My Mind, My Whine Moment, Jokes for the Caregiver, General Topics and a few others. Those were created just for forum members to chat amongst themselves. They are timeless.
Just a whole BUNCH of folks have written you suggestions regarding your post to us.
Would love to know if you have further input, questions, thoughts.
I sure hope you will return to respond or to update us in future.
We see quite a few threads that we don’t see a response from the OP. I wonder if they forget that they posted a question, get too busy to reply or whatever.
Every now and then a poster will start a new thread because they say that they can’t find the original question.
I wonder how the questions are rotated. I see questions that seem to receive very few responses and then slip through the cracks.
Meanwhile, people will post like crazy to an OP who doesn’t even respond to the comments.
Sometimes, conversations will continue among the forum members just because the topic is interesting or relevant in some way to them.
You already know that your mother is going to ruin your holiday, so do not take her with you. I don’t know if you have respite care through your medical insurance in your country, so I am suggesting that you put your mother in respite care if your country has this coverage or pay someone to care for her while you and your husband go on your holiday. Do not sacrifice your happiness to try to make your mother happy because she will never appreciate the help you are giving to her.
Wishing you a happy holiday trip with your husband. Do not feel guilty about not taking your mother on your holiday as you do need this me-time for yourself and your husband. Enjoy.
I think you should cancel the vacation and lie to your mother about why. Tell her that an unexpected expense came up like your house has termites, and that you will have to cancel the vacation. Then you and your husband go on it without her. Like a second honeymoon. My friend, my houses have had "termites" many times. Also stomach flu and burst water pipes.
If you insist on taking her there has to be an exit plan in place. She needs to know up front that if she acts up in ANY way and you list every single thing you mentioned here, she will be packed up and brought home. Even if that means putting her on a flight if it's far. She leaves.
When I was married to my first husband, my in-laws rented a place at Cape Cod. They paid for everything and the plan was they were going to stay a week and let my husband and I stay on our own the rest of the time since we were newly married and didn't have a proper honeymoon.
My in-laws are such good people they even invited my mother to share their week for free. Their treat to her. They knew how she was because she ruined our wedding, but they still wanted to give her a chance because she was family then. Well, she started her crap on the car ride up. By I think around the second day my husband got so fed up with her instigating, snide comments, and her general a$$hole behavior that he put her in the car it was night time, drove the four hours or so back to Connecticut, dropped her off at home and drove back. That was our exit plan for her because we weren't about to let her ruin the vacation for us or my in-laws.
Have an exit plan ready for if your mother gets too obnoxious and send her a$$ home.
This is true. We can only allow others so much grace. In cases where the other person has never allowed us any grace whatsoever, we don’t owe them a damn thing!
You have a wonderful husband who loves you and took your happiness into account when he decided enough was enough! Good for him!
I love cxmoody’s response! She said earlier in the post that she would say that she changed her mind about going to the beach with her mom.
We certainly have a right to change our minds if we feel that we made an error in judgment. Nothing is written in stone.
Are you in therapy?
I read where you say you can not go no contact . Ok well then ….
You can still set boundaries. You make sure your mother has what she needs.
A vacation is a WANT not a need. You do not have to vacation with her . My father in law tried that too , it was going to be horrible for my husband and I , so we said No.
I don’t understand why elders expect us to use our vacation time off from work to vacation with them . In my case if my husband and I had indulged my father in law with his request , it would have meant a walker, wheelchair , supplies to change a wound dressing on his foot , a pallet of Depends to go on a 10 day cruise plus the air travel before and after with a man who didn’t shower . It would not have been fair to the other vacationers trying to have a nice time
Your case is more the mental distress and abuse associated . I think a therapist would tell you not to do this trip for a month. You haven’t even gotten there and you are upset over it . We all have the option of saying no to travel with someone , and you don’t owe her any explanations. We told my father in law
“ It’s not possible “.
If it’s going to be a terrible a time for you , don’t do it. I think you should go to the rental without her. Hire a caregiver to check on her and bring her what she needs while you are gone .
You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness , nor are you her entertainment . Make sure she has a lot of choices on her TV . Hawaii 5-0 reruns have plenty of beach to look at on TV. She can order books , puzzles etc , whatever hobby she likes .
Stand up for yourself !!
My dear woman, there is no way to cope with her, never mind cooping yourself up with her for a month! You can't go no contact, you said, but to do a complete 360 and force this togetherness for a month is ridiculous. Same as trying to make a person like this happy, which you already know is impossible.
Stop causing yourself such unnecessary grief and punishment, and ask yourself WHY you'd even consider doing such a thing, never mind seeing it thru? You know how this "holiday" is going to turn out, so call it off before more irreversible damage is done.
Book a month's vacation with a demon and you can expect hell. And who would be responsible for that? Not the demon; we already know they aren't quite right. The responsible one if the one booking vacation with someone they describe as the epitome of evil.
I loved vacationing with my first set of in-laws because they were so laid back. My second set as much as I love them, no way.
I would suggest you seek out a cognitive therapist to help you work through your need to make someone you find toxic "happy".
It is a normal human protective response to separate ourselves from toxicity of any and all kinds. When we are failing to make the choice to protect ourselves and our loved ones from toxicity it is time to seek help before we allow ourselves irreparable injury.
I know that your professional training will have already taught you this, but it is often difficult, as you will also already know, to translate what we know intellectually into how we may be able to choose to break circular habitual behaviors that self-harm.
I wish you the best, but truly believe you need professional help.
A forum will give you much in terms of sympathy, but I would bet you already have that from everyone you share your story with.
What you really need is guidance on a path forward to change your ways of handling someone who I suspect does not have all the powers you are currently ascribing to her.
While your mom may be a person with severe limitations, she is made here to sound like the epitome of evil with a helpless struggling victim caught in her web.
You are not that. You're a grown woman, and a very well educated one, indeed, and you are responsible now for your own choices in life. Those choices include how much time you spend with your mother, and where you vacation/with whom.
A sign of healing will be the day you can protect yourself with gentle limitations and distancing.
I wish you luck.
You never Care for your abusers. 79 is not old (I am 74 and DH is 77). Your Mom is lonely because of her. I would tell her you have changed your kind, you will not be going to the seaside because u can't be with her for a month. You just can't take thevabuse and negativity she dishes out. If she would like to go alone, she can go for a week or two on you.
If possible, you need to move. You should never had this arrangement. If you own this duplex, rent your apt out. Abused children need to step away from their abusers as soon as they can.
It can be used at anytime you wish to express your desire to NOT do something you do not want to do, or have.
Example:
Your partner: "Do you want to go to the movies?"
You "NO."
Your friend: "Do you want some tea?"
You: "NO."
Mom: " I would love to go to the seaside, will you take me for the month?
You: "NO"
See the word is very useful.
Other than your mom's age and "depression" you do not give an indication as to why she needs you to take her, needs a caregiver.
Since the place has already been rented the only thing that I could suggest is that you and your husband make plans DAILY to be away from her. While you are getting away have a discussion as to how you can disentangle yourselves from her.
Bring a few GOOD LONG books and set aside a few hours each day and read.
If there are courses that you can take remotely that will help you in your job sign up for them, a few class hours where you can not be disturbed will do 2 things, will help you personally and it will keep mom at bay.
If you can cut the holiday back to a week, 2 weeks that might help.
If mom does not need help daily and is living with you and your husband give her a deadline to find a place of her own.
Honestly I do not know how or why you let this happen. If you dislike her so much WHY in heavens name would you book a MONTH holiday?
EXACTLY! Something doesn't make any sense here.
Doing this kind of thing will not make her happy, will not make her love you, one cannot buy either of these two things.
Might be time for you to get some counseling to learn how to set boundaries and stick to them.
“Going no contact is not an option” because you live in the same building, one floor apart. You don’t have to do that either. Why have you chosen to?
You are “a sociologist working in the field of social exclusion”. You should have enough brains and enough relevant education to look at your own role in this. Perhaps you should see a counselor about your own issues in staying in a relationship that you think it toxic and is damaging you.
It’s fairly obvious that you are at the end of your rope and just barely hanging on by a thread.
You have been through a lot, both emotionally and physically.
The stress of caring for your mother is wreaking havoc in your life. You say that you have been through cancer.
What are you doing to manage your anxiety and depression? I saw where you are taking meds, but other than that, how are you coping? Are you running on autopilot? Have you spoken to a therapist about any of this?
I am glad that you have a happy marriage. How does your spouse feel about you being involved in your mother’s care? Does your mom get along with your husband?
I understand that you don’t want to abandon your mom. Why not allow other people to care for her? If you desire, you can be her advocate.
You are 58. Your mom is 79. She could live for many more years. Does she have any major health issues? What’s her financial status?
Why are you traveling with her? Could she have hired a companion to travel along side of her so that you could have had a break?
I had Mom living with us too. It’s not easy and I empathize with you. She died in an end of life hospice care home at age 95.
You say that you don’t have support due to being an only child. News flash! Even people with siblings often don’t have support.
Look to others for support, a caregiver agency, a private caregiver, a nursing student who wishes to work for extra income, Council on Aging, etc.
The best option is to look into placement at a facility, so you can resume your life with your husband.
Has your professional life, working in sociology (social exclusion) influenced your decision in caring for your mom? Just curious.
Wishing you peace in this difficult time in your life.
You could cancel and let her go with some other people. Maybe you need to get “sick” and doctor says you can’t travel.