Mom has dementia and remembers things incorrectly or not at all. She’ll get upset because she thinks my dad doesn’t tell her things like if they have a doctors appointment or are having dinner with friends. My family and I have been handling it by telling her that dad did tell her; that she just doesn’t remember and it’s okay - we all have memory problems. And of course she forgets that we had this conversation and the story repeats itself over and over again. The other day when mom and I had this exchange, she broke down saying that everything is her fault, she must be crazy and that she’s so confused. I believe by telling her she’s wrong and doesn’t remember is causing her to be confused and upsets her so much. Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. Thank you!
She isn't at fault, it is her brain betraying her. Let her know that it is okay and that you will all work on a way to get through this.
Has she seen a doctor for her memory issues? Perhaps they can help her a bit, at least in the moment, but it can help you guys work something out.
I would also try reminding her of upcoming events. Tomorrow we have an appointment. At 1030am we need to leave to get to the 1130 appointment, that type of thing. Maybe remind her that she needs to get ready and give her ample time to do so.
I am so sorry that your family is dealing with this awful disease.
Yes, a big calendar is a very good idea!
When my mom lived in assisted living from 2015 until April of this year, I always provided her with those big desk calendars. If I made an appointment for her, I would call her and while I was on the phone I told her to write it on the calendar and I wrote it on mine as well. She also made her own notations of things she for some reason wanted to track such as when she went to bed. On the day of the appointments, I would call her and tell her it was time to get up and get ready for the appointment and when I would be picking her up. On the days when I could tell she was very sleepy when I called, I would call again 15 minutes later to be SURE she was up. Even though I would remind her the day before, I knew she would forget by the next morning which is why I would call her the morning of. It always worked except maybe twice.
I wrote down reminders, put up signs, etc. only to have those things torn down and tossed. Then my mom asked me again for the umpteenth time for the answers that she just threw away.
The two things that I can offer are:
First, this is a phase that will end. While you're going through it, it feels like there is no end, but there is.
Second, now that I went through that phase with my mom, I can look back and think, if I were to go through it again, I probably wouldn't take things so seriously. I wouldn't stress myself out and try so hard for very little success. I wouldn't take things personally. It's bad enough one person suffers, not good for me to suffer along, too.
Take time out to take care of yourself.
You're right about the phase eventually ending. With my mom the pandemic accelerated that ending.
Your last paragraph is what a lot of us go through; the looking back - that being the infamous "hindsight is 20/20" rule. We always seem to learn that a little late into the caregiving role but, better late than never. You learned it and moved forward from that point on as have I.
Totally agree with it's enough one person is suffering and not wanting to go along for the ride too.
I really do wish there was a "handbook" for all this!
You really do have to play it day to day and know that it keeps changing. It is challenging and frustrating, just when you think you have it sorted out, bam, she moves to a different level.
Until COVID ruined my mom, she didn't mind ME taking her to the eye doctor , dentist and out to lunch. She never wanted me to sign her up for the ALF transportation van to take her. The rest such as a doctor, nurse and podiatrist all were through a mobile unit that came to her apartment. But, now that she is under hospice care and no longer able to walk or dress herself like before the pandemic, the majority of the time her new facility in the MC wing can't even get her to go to their dining room. I think she's gone twice since May. Now she doesn't even want to get out of her bed and sit in a nearly new recliner they gave her (they new I lost all her furniture from her previous facility).
So you're right about having to play it day by day and so true "just when you think you have it sorted out, bam, she moves to a different level."
Sometimes it feels like one big game being played on us just to "keep us on our toes!"
Instead of telling her it is ok, tell her that you or dad must have forgotten to tell you.
Also - you’re right about the calendar. We tried that and she forgets to look at it or she looks at it and then forgets.
thanks for your feedback.
I like the idea of an appt calendar. Make the calendar large enough so she can read it. Dementia also causes problems with vision. Make sure you actually show her the calendar. Reminding her of the appt right before leaving would probably work best. Continuing to remind her the day before or hours before might not work.
Another waste of energy is arguing with or correcting a person with dementia. It doesn't work. Nothing works. Just keep repeating yourself until you're blue in the face, the repeat yourself again. Apologize for forgetting to tell her what you've already told her 1000 times, and then change the subject. Snacks are always a good diversion, at least for my mother who's now weighing in at about 190 lbs.
Try to laugh, because God knows we've cried enough.