How to respond to this? Could turn into a spat but I won't let it.

I believe your brother's response/solution is perfect. I understand that your feelings are hurt, as your mother appears to have chosen your brother as her caretaker, however it is a matter of her comfort and peace of mind at this time. Consider yourself blessed that you have backup to care for your mother. I am an only child and had no one to assist in this regard, so I'm looking at it from that perspective. Offer help when you can and be your mother's daughter, not her caretaker - you won't regret it. Peace!!

Dear Bootsiesmom: Your situation mirrors my own. This response is a bit long, but I hope you may benefit even a bit by my experience.

My mom's never been direct (i.e., honest) with me (or her other 2 kids) about anything. I was her primary caretaker for 5 full years, in her home. I had zero physical or emotional support from either my older or younger sibs; they wouldn't respond to any of my texts or e-mails during that time, except for the designated older one to let me know they thought I was being 'hysterical' during that time about mom's ever and rapidly escalating physical and mental deterioration ("she's doing fine! I saw her last Christmas and she looked good!"), and that I 'couldn't handle it'. After the first 2 911 responses (falls and broken bones, strokes), many 24 hr. ER hospital shit (for me) and following ambulances at midnight-2:30 a.m., they never knew about the next five.

I came to learn that my mom was communicating with my older (completely emotionally and physically) absent sister--then I got the exact type of e-mail from her that you did from your brother--all the voice of reason and authority. Pure, classic gaslighting. (That's when mom's dementia/Alzheimer's began to really rev up; it was COMPLETELY out of character for her to ever talk to any of her children, except for the happy/fun holidays and obligatory b.d. parties.)

I was VERY hurt and VERY angry, naturally, just like you--any healthy person would be! I'm 65 now, and have absorbed and accepted that I was an unintended player in a dysfunctional family. Thank the stars! Turns out, I'm the most psychologically well-adjusted of all of us : )

The same time that I moved in with my mom, I'd bought a nice house in a different state far away that I rented out on VRBO. I gave the two sibs and mom 30 days notice that I was moving there, no details or explanation (there never had been in our lives). No confrontation or drama. Mom flipped out that I was taking my cats whom she'd become especially fond of; my sisters hatched some half-baked plan in a flurry of businesslike research and activity (caregiving that fit the parameters of LTHC terms), fall alerts, pressure pads if she got out of bed at night, etc. They were going to now perfect the situation and make everything o.k.! It involved hiring a part time (4 hrs. a day/5 days a week) caretaker (using the LTHC policy that I'd set up 20 years earlier for her after dad died), and my sister's young adult kid spending nights at mom's house and saving rent expenses to buy a house.

Within a year, said kid left to live with her boyfriend. Despite my sibs' ongoing dramatics about me being 'too nervous to handle' spending 21 hours a day in my mom's house, they decided that maybe mom COULD be left alone overnight and for a few hours a day (mom's PC doc and her post-op PT looked me in the eye and said NEVER leave mom alone--and the sibs strictly imposing that mandate on me). Well, they never did get the fancy pressure pad, the baby monitor, any of the 'magic solution' stuff that'd make life easier (I'd already managed the installation of all things 'aging in place' for mom's physical safety, which they never knew about. The house is now less clean, no one makes mom do her balance exercises 5 days a week for 15-20 minutes, or sees to her emotional comfort/coddling.)

Bootsiesmom, I did it, and you can, too. I am at peace with myself and my conduct. Find your strength and confidence in your intuition. Do not be bullied! Love and support, 'Davenport' : )

Just let it go... the aggravation of trying to help but being rebuffed is draining, isn’t it? I finally let go of my mom and understand that what’s going to happen is going to happen. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves, and your mother sounds like mine. You’re a good daughter and have done all you can. Please don’t sacrifice anymore of your life than you already have, it only gets harder from here. Best wishes..

Caregiving is so draining and hard. I am glad to hear you can pull back from this. Please take care of yourself.

"Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it." One of my favorite quotes. And as long as you are doing it all, everyone else can relax and not worry. I think you have done enough. Go away for awhile and let them have the problem. I think things would just get worse if you were to go on as you have been doing. With old people, things always get worse. You need some time and distance to rest and recover and maybe think about things. You must be worn out now. You are important. You have a life too.

Revisiting to see what updates happened.

"I've decided not to take this personally. I've done a lot, and my best. Letting it go..."

GOOD decision!!! In the grand scheme of things, this will be better for you. As noted in my comment, stirring up the bee's nest will only bring more stings! It does help to "get it out", whether in a draft email or on paper, but once done, you should feel so much better to get that angst out! It worked for me! My anger wasn't hurting them, only me. I realized while writing these emails that anything I had to say wasn't going to change their attitudes or make anything better. It would likely just makes things worse, so got it out of my system and moved on! I'm the only one seeing to her finances and care in the facility. OB has had NO contact and YB.. no clue what he's doing!

"I am not sure if they will ever understand what I have done until they do it themselves."

In many cases this is so true. Everyone else knows best... Until they get an actual "taste" of the meal. You did mention they cared for the FIL, but his care and hers may not be on the same level. Of course, being a favorite might color her behavior, but you never know. Sometimes they lash out at whoever is the caregiver. My OB was sort of the "golden" child. Could be because he was first, could be because he didn't live close during college and after, so less contact. If she only was aware that after his last brief visit with her over 2.5 years ago he refused to go back, stating he "didn't know what to do with her"!

BOTH brothers, on learning how much MC costs (I was already aware it wasn't going to be cheap), pondered this, stating for that kind of money, they would take her in! I warned them that they really need to know what they might be taking on (she was in early dementia at that time - we were looking at facilities.) Personally, neither had a clue then or now and it would have been a disaster if either actually followed through with this idea!!!

So, let them do what they want. She moves in or stays in her place. He's "in charge", so let him be in charge. When they come crying for help, dab your eye and say nope, nothing there! I see that there is a "plan" to have you step in for OOT, but I would keep ANY assistance to the barest minimum. Sure, she's your mother, but you've already been "burned" once, why go back for more? If they need to be away in the future, let them hire someone to watch over/help her. YOU can be busy too!!! Enjoy your home, your own kids, grandkids and let them deal with this.

I read your follow-up response below.  I would just say "apparently I am mis-reading what is needed or wanted from me.  I will step back and wait for one or both of you to tell me what to do.  If you don't want me staying with you during the week and you don't feel you need a life alert...ok."

Then once a week I would call mom and make a lunch date with her.  You can pick something up and bring it to her house and have a mother daughter visit.

If during your once a week visits you notice things are falling apart and she starts declining, send your brother an email that you noticed X, Y and Z and thought he should know.

Sometimes the relationship between a mother and daughter can be strained. Mom is use to ruling the roost and all of the sudden daughter is in the hen house telling mom what to do and she doesn't like it.  However, mom does take instruction from a male (your brother) quite well.    Step back and let them have at it.

does anyone have POA or not?  My mother as an alert device and didn't wear it at first either until she fell in the tub and was there for 45 minutes before "luckily" I stopped up to see her.  she doesn't have dementia and luckily she wasn't hurt.  She wears it all the time now.  Maybe you can suggest kindly that since your mother doesn't want/need you around that you will be taking time off and that he will need to find someone to care for her while you are away.  Yes we are in a time where people need to be careful and that you hope that he and her get along while you are away and then stop communicating for awhile to see how things go.  Its sound rude and harsh but you can't force people to do things, until something happens and then they realize they do need help.  wishing you luck.

Imho, it is possible that something got misconstrued. And your mother would pay for the medical alert pendant/necklace if she opts to get it. Prayers sent.

My first thought was the same as OkieGranny - let them live together.
* Consider your needs first.
* If they are 'two peas in a pod,' consider it a gift that she'll move in with him.
* Why would you want the responsibility of caring for her if she doesn't really want you to and/or prefers to live with him?
* Get attorney if you need to re end of (her) life, POA, where you stand.
* Try to get this in writing, notarized, all legal.
* Being clear isn't confrontational - I wonder why this concerns you? Speak your truth although know what you want before you engage in this conversation.
* If I were you, I would talk to your brother first to see where he stands, then talk to your mom, then have a three way conversation, or include a witness or attorney.
* Since you do not have much / any relationship with your brother aside from needs relating to your mother, I would get legal professional advice if you feel it is needed.
* LASTLY, enjoy your life. Do you know how many people 'wished' that they had a brother or family member who would take on this reponsibility? I do understand emotional attachments/hurts from the past. Still. You can visit when you want. Sounds like a gift has fallen in your lap, although this is very subjective, me looking in from the outside.
* * *

Let the two of them have each other. Why put up with this? As for an angry retort, that probably won't help anything.

Many forum issues are about feeling overwhelmed by caregiving and a lack of support from siblings.

Rather than feeling put off or unappreciated, I would accept your mother's desire to move in with your brother as a gift. You're getting five days a week of your life back with the option of seeing your mother on your own terms.

OMG I didn't know my brother had a twin. I paid for my mom's medical alert for 3 months till she moved back to her home alone and decided to discontinue it. The money was no issue - she is cheap and brother perpetuates the "pour mouthing" because the less she spends the more he gets when she passes away. She is in assisted living now where life alert is mandatory - but she still doesn't wear it (carries it around in her walker). I'm sorry but I think you are in for a hard time with your brother. No amount of taking the high road has paid off for me. But I wish you the best truly.

No real advice here but you are not alone. There was a time when I was sent an email by a sibling and their spouse with a long list of everything I should change. I am main caregiver to both elderly parents who still live in their own place.
I was so upset when receiving that email but chose not to respond to it. My husband did respond rather forcibly but kindly. Since then they have not repeated their nastiness but even acknowledged the work involved. They are for the most part missing in action.
if your brother wants to take care of your mom let him. He will soon be emailing you asking for support.

Tear up the angry letter and throw it away. Now is the time to think about what is best for your mother (and for you) and to discuss it with your brother and mother (maybe by conference call if you are social distancing)? You don't mention much about your mother's ability to be independent. Things are more complicated in this time of the pandemic. Maybe it would be best for your mother to move in with your brother if he can accommodate her and her care full time. Make sure he understands everything that you are doing for her. Or you could help with things like taking her to a doctor appointment, taking her shopping, etc. But I'd advise selling her house rather than renting it out. Becoming a landlord in these pandemic times means never being able to evict anyone, even the worst tenants. If she moves in with your brother it will mean a different relationship for you with your mother. This may (will) be difficult for you. Seek counseling if you need to talk about it with someone. I had a similar rude awakening when the pandemic struck and I was totally dependent on my mother's facility to take care of her. I had been visiting weekly prior to that. It turned out to be OK. They are taking good care of her, and she is doing fine.

I just cancelled my mother's medical alert device since her dementia prevents her from knowing when and how to use the device. Even if she were wearing her pendant or the wristband, she would not remember how to push the button or even know why she was supposed to push it. She would not be able to communicate with the people on the line most likely. It was an expensive product which we paid for twice a year and we (thank God!) never had to use it in the 5 years we had the service.

It may be too easy to make assumptions here, not knowing all the parties involved. However, my mother does not want in-home help, she says because of Covid, but she never did and Covid just gives her a reason that she can fall back one. If you think you can change her mind, I'll give you her phone number (just joking!).
She also did not want a medical alert button, though she could well afford to pay for it. That has changed with time, but I have often paid for things and just not told her because I thought she needed them and I had rather pay for them than argue with her - even though she can afford anything she needs - much more than I.
If your mother is stubborn, and cost-conscious, that is just a fact that you cannot change. If your brother is the same, well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. At least he indicated a willingness to pay for it. (I am not going to try to read between the lines to see if he was sincere.) Please don't try to take these issues personally, just accept that you cannot change their attitudes. You were wise to wait about your reply. I did not have the emotional reaction you did, because these people are not my family. I know that is much more difficult when it is family, and you have decades of dealing with them. But try to not add fuel to the fire, for YOUR sake.

Mothers of certain age have a tendency to treat the "men" in their lives differently than daughters-even though daughters usually end up doing bulk of caregiving-and you have no idea what is really being said during the weekend. It is better to have these discussions on the phone or in person with your brother emails can be interpreted in many ways. Don't purchase a medical alert system, she won't use it and it will just frustrate you. A bit of advice for the future: your mom's estate must be spelled out as specifically as possible. If she needs financial assistance in the future and the house and assets need to be liquidated its really important that you don't have to deal with your brother - an attorney is the best "go to" when he starts to whine about things

you sound like a wonderful, caring and sensible daughter.

my first thought is that the email is your brothers perception of what your mom wants.

simply put, while it may be hard for the three, or four with SIL, sit together and come up with a plan. Let mom know that her children want what is best for you her, and you will all work together. Your moms peace of mind will be honored if she feels you both listened to her wishes and managed the safety issues together.

we won’t always agree with siblings but getting parents to express their feelings when everyone is together helps all. Mom needs to know that no one will get mad at her for expressing her true feelings.

best of luck,

Right, that is a very unhelpful email. He has put everything in the most negative way possible and is using a patronising approach which would put anyone's back up.
I suppose the first thing to do is have a sit down with your mother - if you can! You imply that both your brother and your mother share an (antisocial?)characteristic but there is an impression that he may be putting words in her mouth? She may have voiced her worries and he has reinforced them? Alternatively she may be entrenched but either way getting it from the horse's mouth would be my starting point. You talk her worries through with her, yourself.
Then you are in a better position to decide what to do next.
I would not rush to respond to the email. In my experience the sender gets impatient and often starts to consider why they have not had a reply. Sometimes they answer their own question (about why they are being ignored) and realise they may not have approached it in the right way. Sometimes not, however you do not owe him anything and given his attitude you should consider NOT responding until he is less rude. Let him reconsider his approach - or respond calmly and factually and without rising to the implied criticsm but whatever you decide to do, don't be bullied!!! Good luck. xx

1st of all, a Medical Alert is good only if your mom wears it. It didn't end up working for my Dad but he has dementia and was pushing the button to order his breakfast.
What I found the Best Solutiin to be was I had my son install 3 cameras in my Dad's Home. I chose NEST and it was easy to install and plug in and now I'm able to watch snd hear my Dad anytime I want from my Computer, Laptop or Cell Phone 24 7 and this gives me so much peace of mind.
After you buy the Cameras which run about $200 each and you can buy them at Lowes or get a package of 2 or 3 Onine. Anyway, the only Additional Cost is a Monthly Fee of $20 and that allows you to go back up to 30 days and see what happened if you need to. I use it because my Dad has Caregivers and I can make sure they're treating my Dad ok.
You don't have to buy that Service if you don't want and then you'll just ne able to see what's is going on present everytime you get on the Nest Site.

In regards to your mom telling you one thing and your brother saying different, do a call to your brother and put him on loud speaker and talk to your mom when everyone is hearing what is being said.
Then, as long as your mom has her right mind, let her decide what she would like to do.

Juse keep in mind that some kids will let their parent move in with them, get parent to sell their home then the kid uses up all their savings or says the money is gone, then they are put in a home. Sad but True.

If your mom has the funds and wants to stay in her own home, hire Caregivers or hire a Live In which your mom has to pay for.

If your mom still has her mental faculties, explain all her options and what it would cost her and let the decision be hers.

Also explain to her what can happen to her money when she's not overseeing it herself.

If your mother decides to live with the brother and he wants to sell her home, have him sign a paper saying that he is taking the responsibility over of the mom and she will be living with him as long as she lives.

This is perfect situation for Mom and Bro. It doesn’t work for you, being taken advantage of as unpaid servant.

I’d send Bro an email back saying as of xx date in the future, 3-5 days from now, you will no longer be caring for Mom. Give Mom a copy to read as you are packing up your stuff and leaving notes and instructions. Then do it. Turn off phone or send to VM. Take a few days to respond to email. Call adult protective services for wellness check.

In other words, walk away and do what you need to do for yourself. You can’t win with this setup and unfortunately, Mom and Bro will have to deal with consequences of their decisions. You’ve done what you could.

I think you need to take the emotion out of your reply. They only have her on weekends and there are two of them. They do not have the full picture of her needs or the scope of her care. You are going back and forth and trying to manage her, her house, and your house. You are doing a lot. He is not even making a true commitment to letting her live there. It’s let’s see what unfolds???

I would write a very practical response outlining all of her needs at this time and why in your experience with managing this all week you wanted to hire in a caregiver and get a medical alert. It’s for her safety and her needs are becoming too much for you manage on your own all week. It sounds more like he is trying to lay some guilt on you with the “mom doesn’t want you to stick around” statement. And the “maybe I’ll pay for it.” Don’t fall for it.

Tell them that she has the money to pay for care and that should not be a factor.

Let him move your mother in with them all week and let him be the landlord for the rental. Tell him what a great idea that would be because you are becoming exhausted and your stress level is causing you issues. And her care needs are becoming too much to manage at her home so you appreciate them stepping up to take care of her. Don’t let him lay anymore guilt on you. You deserve a break and to live your life.

Brief: siblings need to grow up and take on a bit of the responsibility <One person cannot do it all.> Nor should she. Yes, it’s usually a she,
We’re late in arriving at the realization that women ought to have a life, too: they are worth more than their reproductive equipment & caregiving expectations!

This will continue between your brother and mother, putting you in the middle. I would back off and let the brother handle it for awhile and see how that goes. Seems like mom confides in brother, so let the brother handle it, wont be long before you get a message from brother asking your help.
I went through this with my mom living with me and 3 other siblings that wanted nothing to do but give advice on things that mom was talking to them about. Not one of them would help take on care, but could sure try and tell me what to do and what not to do. I had told my sister she needed to come stay for a week and see all the help mom needed being insulin diabetic and CHF. She did, and she told me she couldn't do what I do. She didn't know how I was doing it all. She stopped giving me advice. The rest of the siblings said nursing home, but I wasn't going to let that happen. Mom lived with me for 9 years, before passing. My husband was a good support for me.

Can you talk to your mom directly?

There's a couple of ways to look at this. He knows mom has the money to pay, but as long as you were there all week for free - it kept her money in the bank. It probably would be better for her to live with a child, but I'd be a little interested in if he/his wife will suddenly start earning money as her 24/7 caregivers. On the other hand, maybe mom has been wanting to live with one of you and he said ok. I don't think you should feel unappreciated - trust me, whether they thanked you or not, they appreciated only being responsible for weekend service. Wait until they are doing it full time - they'll really appreciate even more what you were doing.

Another viewpoint might be that she moves to their house for M-F and it will be suggested you get her on the weekends. Heck, mom may have been waiting on this invitation for quite some time! I mean, she sure jumped on this quick. (Most of us on this site are trying to talk a parent in to leaving their home - with no luck!) Her house gets rented and no break-ins or vandalism. Try to turn your thoughts around in regard to a return letter.

Word it like: I was kind of taken back by your response because I thought mom felt stronger about remaining in her own home. I did stay with her during the week to fill in for the in home health providers. I mean, if she needed some help with that service before the virus, we all know she still needed help. I was only trying to make some arrangement that would allow me to be in my own house a little more during the week. I understand completely how she feels about leaving her house unattended while she is at your house Sat-Sun. I have those same concerns about my own house for the 5 days I'm with her. I also understand about her fear of catching covid even though I've talked to caregivers about precautions they take. I supposed she may have been waiting on this invitation from you for a while since she has decided so quickly to move in and rent her house. I'm happy that she was able to make this decision for herself. Please let me know when the tentative move will take place. If you can talk with her about what she can take to your house, I'll be more than happy to help both of you sort through the rest of the things so we can decide what to do with them (estate sale, pack/store) - whatever mom wants to do. I'll also help with getting her unpacked. arranged and settled in at your house. Walk the high ground with him - and with her. If she brings it up to you - tell her you just want her to be happy.
Offer to help with the move, the estate sale or whatever will happen to things she can't take with her, getting house ready to rent. Be as much a part of this as you can so you know what's going on - like who rents house (relative below market value, friend, etc or rental agency). I would also stay involved to give them some relief when they need it. It's one thing to take care of her on a weekend and something entirely different to have her 24/7.

Oh gosh, I can understand why you’d feel that way, it does sound like he has issues of control and frankly his ego seems to be more of a factor than anything else.
I’m curious how did it come to be that he has poa? It seems like the person who’s most closely involved in their loved ones care as you’ve been for the past four years would naturally be the best suited to speak and make decisions for her care- was this a power move by your brother or?? Nothing like folks that are least involved who demand the most say so, I share in your frustrations pls take good care of yourself, don’t let him use his lawyer talk on you, you can be assertive and non confrontational at the same time. When he talks down to you or like your on the stand request in a business like tactful way that he speak to you in a more equal and respectful manner, and try not to take it too personal with him ( much easier said than done I’m sure) but this is IMO mostly about his ego. You’ve done SO much for your mom! I’m sure others are aware of this and deep down he is too but his ego won’t allow him to act (as Laceyisland wisely posted) in a supportive role to your primary role. He wants it all- he wants to be the least involved and have most of the say so, sometimes mother and sons for some reason are more common to fall into a toxic dynamic - but you have done amazing!!

First off. Your brother is manipulating you. I am always amazed how childhood antics for a parents attention are never grown out of!!

You and your brother and his wife need to be on the same page and supportive of each other in your care of your Mother. The way he he is doing it and your Mother is enabling it, is pitting you and he against each other. He is there on weekends, your there all week. Do the math, your the primary care give. This makes you in charge and he in a supporting role. Who holds Power of Attorney? That person is ultimatly in charge.
If you do not put a stop to this manipulation i PROMISE you it will only get worse as your Mothers condition changes.
You and your brother need to re affirm or reestablish the ground rules and who is ultimatly in charge of running your Mothers care. Then the BOTH of you need to sit down with your mother together and clarify for her what the two of you have agreed to and get her full support.

Speaking first hand from dealing with a Mother in law and my wifes siblings for almost 15 years of Sr care this will become an exausting and deep seated anger causing issue if you do not get control of it.

Based on what you have described of the relationship of Mom and brother it may be too late for my suggestion. If so first sit down with your brother and get his agreement he will be taking over, then you and your brother sitdown with Mom and explain the change and the dates of the change (IE effective today). I would then follow up with an email to your brother to prevent ANY confusion. AVOID getting angry. Stick to the facts.

My stepsister took care of her Mother for many years. Finally she could not deal with it anymore due to these kind of conflicts. Her brothers stepped in and took over for what turned out to be the final 10 years of their Mothers life. She went back to having a life and having a better relationship with her Mother. As well her brothers finally came to truely understand what she was dealing with. And they gained a greater respect for their sister.

The biggest problem with all this is our parents (and us) we are living soooo much longer. These parental care deals used to be for just a few short years. Today it can last 15-25-30 years. What are our children going to have to deal with??

BTW those remote monitor deals.. THey are pretty cheap, $10 a month or so.

"My first reading I was angry and wrote an ugly retort. I decided to sleep on it."

That is probably for the best.

Neither of my brothers is a lawyer, but they ARE PITAs, one more than the other. I started an email to each one, to cover all that needed to be said and how it was taking a toll on me. I talked about what they've said and done that has hurt me. I put them aside and every now and then added to or edited them. I NEVER sent them. They were a kind of catharsis for me.

It allowed me to say what was wrong, how I felt, how they let me down or were just outright cruel (OB was physically abusive) without repercussions. I haven't had contact in over 2.5 years now with OB (only exception was email to let him know our mother had a stroke earlier this month. Took 15 hrs to get "Thanks for update.")

It allowed me to get the anger out and move on. The drafts still sit in my email folder. At some point, I didn't need to even look at it again. I also realized that sending it would NOT make anything better, more likely it would be worse because THEY would not understand or even try to, and would just likely dump more crap on me. Got it out and let it go.

I am the one who oversees everything for mom. OB isn't local and if he was, I don't expect he would even visit, given his last trip and refusal to go for a second visit with her. YB is just whatever. I only contacted him for taking her to one appt - too far and once she stopped standing/walking, I couldn't support her weight. It was only 4x per year, but you'd think I was asking him to do it weekly!! I did consult with him RE the stroke and how to proceed as we are both the POAs, but that's it. We both agreed no extensive treatment, she's 97 with dementia! I've cancelled the treatments (Mac Degen) going forward, because of the stroke, age and current condition. I'm sure he's reveling in that! The other is probably checking the trust fund, to see how much is left.

Write all that nasty stuff in a email that won't be sent or on paper. Get it out of you, but don't send it. While it may seem like a good idea, it won't be. More than likely it will just anger him or lead to more strife.

"It's fine if it's her decision but initially she did not complain - only after she talked to my brother."
Perhaps she felt that way, but for whatever reason didn't feel she could say it to you? Perhaps she just mentioned it to him and he took everything the wrong way? Who knows. In the bigger picture, it really doesn't matter. I'd let it go. It isn't worth it.

"He's the POA, will executor, etc. and what he says goes."
Well, if he's willing to take her in and she wants to move there and rent her house, let them have at it! It'll be a lot of work, but just defer to them - give them the empty promise so many do give (call me if you need help, but always be busy!!!)

"I limit contact with him..."
Best to keep it that way. If she moves in with them, you won't have to talk to him or work with him about any of this - he'd be doing you a favor!!!

"...talks to people like they're opposing counsel."
Again, neither brother of mine is a lawyer, but each of my bros has talked down to me, yelled at me, called me names, etc and one even called me a know-it-all when I tried to explain what I knew about dementia. Some time later he chastised me when I said it was too much by saying they take care of everything (facility.) No, they don't, but HE knows better than I do because he takes care of it all (NOT)!!!

My take on all this? I see to it that "everything" IS taken care of and when she passes on, I will become an only child. I am DONE with these 2 clowns!

"I want to work it out but at the same time keep my boundaries."
It sounds like perhaps they've already 'worked it out', so I would just put up those boundaries and live your life. You gave it what you could and for whatever reason they seem ungrateful, so smile, and say "call me if you need anything....", but meanwhile, just think 'Adios'!