She lives alone. Hopefully the last move now as I've moved her once a year for the past 3 years as she's hated everywhere else.
I'm 37. I have a 13-year-old son who is autistic and selective mute and currently going through mental health assessments for potential schizophrenia. I am also currently at risk of losing my home as my landlord is selling.
My mum is very, very needy, and clingy. I spend on average Mon/Tues/Thurs with her 1/2pm to 9pm, and Saturdays around 12-midnight.
Yet, all I get is that she's lonely. I drive her everywhere with no offer of fuel money. Must be around £30 a month.
Due to my partner's work schedule (nights) I see him Fri and Sunday. And that's our alone time or family time with our son. Occasionally he books a Thursday off for us to have an evening together. My mum hates this as she deems it "her time“ and will see us Saturday and be like "oh it's been DAAAYS since we've seen each other".
If I do anything with my son and partner i.e., visit the beach/play golf/visit anywhere she will want to go too.
I feel like I have very little life of my own. Everything I do I plan around her or check I'm not needed.
Even though she will ask "will you take me to the doctors on Monday?" it's not really a question. And after that it will be "don't forget I have an appointment on Monday". If I said no, she would be annoyed with me, want to know why, and would cancel her appointment and want to rebook it for a day I could take her. She COULD get a bus to it. Very easily.
The home she moved to is an 8-minute walk from the hospital. She wanted me to take her to get a simple blood test! I did put my foot down and she did walk it.
She also verbally abuses my son, she is hard of hearing and mis-hears him sometimes and jumps down his throat rather than ask for clarification first. She also says things like "you'll be sorry when I'm dead!" if she doesn't get her own way or if she feels he/I have been rude to her.
She seems to have no desire to be independent. I've mentioned groups to her, but she turns her nose up.
I need to put my foot down and start living my life. But it's so hard. And I guess my point with this question is clarification that I'm not overreacting or being spiteful. And any other advice I'd be grateful for. TY
I am 75, just returned from driving my motor home, towing a car over 6000 miles, all by myself.
Set your boundaries and enforce them, if she can do it for herself then you do not do it for her.
If she decides to cancel a doctor's visit that is on her, not you. You have taught her how to treat you, it is you, not her.
This process is only as hard as you make it, NO is a complete sentence, not up for discussion. She could live for another 20+ years, is this really how you want to live your life? Think!
And I won't be. I've worked hard for the last 2 years to bolster myself ready for this. And now her words don't get to me like they used to. I'm just a little nervous about this final push and knowing my reaction will be different.
I think it's 37 years of being a push over and being told I'm spiteful and selfish, when I've tried to set boundaries before too. It lives within me to panic that I'm the bad one when in reality I'm not. Yes I can have a short temper and a sharp tongue, but that's down to extreme pressure.
In the short term, I would develop an illness (hopefully fake) that will make you contagious for a month. Covid or flu would do – really bad flu is genuinely more common than Covid where I am at the moment. You can’t risk seeing her! Phone the AL places near you and get them to send her pamphlets. The groups too, if they will post. If she’s sitting at home lonely, she should at least read them. Tell her that your illness is prone to relapses, so she would be wise to look at alternatives.
Honestly she is impossible. When covid first put us all in lockdown she had a massive argument with me because I chose to stick to the rules and not see her. She does not care about it one iota. And she has COPD.... She feels she already had it back in November 2019 🙄 when she was indeed very poorly. And apparently we just wouldn't have know it was covid.
She would tell me "it's OK, mummy will look after her princess".... Yes she still speaks to me like I'm a child. Its infuriating. I am perfectly mentally capable. I don't need babying. And she doesn't like it if I don't also significantly soften my voice back to her. I get accused of being funny with her.
I've spent probably 2 years working on me, bolstering myself and learning all about how people like her work and I'm a different woman. And in a way, this scares me. I'm about to set boundaries and her reaction will be the same as its always been, insults, telling me I'm spiteful. But I'm different now, it will be water off a ducks back.
You may even want to get some tips from a therapist on how to deal with her. Just the fact that you have given so much of yourself to a relatively fit, young senior says that you may need help extricating yourself from this situation.
She's fortunate enough that I don't get my partner full-time.. He does say what would she do if I was home all the time. And honestly I don't know!
I think she struggles as she brought me up alone, it was always "me and her against the world".
She very much views me as a possession. And that I owe her for everything she's done/does for me.
As a parent myself I don't understand that mentality at all, I chose to be a mother, what I give him is my duty and I do it with love and I'm grateful to have him. My son owes me nothing. Basic respect yes of course. But he will never owe me. And I never want him feel he has to consider me when he's grown.
So, when I had to move the folks out to my state to be close to me after dad couldn't drive anymore and (of course) Queen Mom refused, I got them set up in Independent Senior Living, then moved them into Assisted Living, then eventually Memory Care AL for mom as her dementia progressed. Dad died 10 months after they'd gone into Assisted Living, and the RESIDENTS of AL kept mom on her feet and functioning afterward! Had I not moved them into AL, mom would have been MY burden entirely to deal with! Not that she wasn't, but at least she was not living in my house and others were looking after her, not ME. Others were in charge of entertaining her, not ME. The doctor came into the AL to see her, meaning I didn't have to schlep her around. Oh, I did plenty, what with all of her hospitalizations, rehabs, ENT visits for vertigo, the list is endless. But at the end of the day, I dropped her off to be someone else's problem at the AL. I realize you don't live with your mother (THANK GOD) but she considers you her Entertainment Committee and Scratching Post, so you've got to figure out how to change that dynamic STAT!
You have a special needs son whom your mother is verbally abusing. Not okay. He is your number 1 concern in life, not an entitled and passive/aggressive mother who's telling you how 'sorry you'll be when she's dead.' Yeah, I don't think so, sorry ma. I listened to my mother threaten to 'throw herself out the window' or 'run out in traffic' for the past 10.5 years, and for 5 decades prior to that b/c she was ALWAYS 'dying' or trying to 'kill herself' which was just a passive/aggressive manipulation technique to keep me at her beck and call & emotionally blackmailed. Her 'my way or the highway' lifestyle didn't fly with me, which is why she lived where OTHERS had to put up with her and not ME!
Women like this need to be told *in my opinion* to Sit Down & Shut Up. They aren't, so they're running hog wild over everyone else's life, insisting they get what they want, abusing others with their forked tongues, and wreaking havoc wherever they go. It's up to YOU to tell her to sit down and shut up, but not literally; you can do so by setting down firm boundaries starting with this: The next time you speak like that to your grandson mom, you are OUT OF MY HOME and not coming back. Period. You'll see how fast she stops doing that, after she has a meltdown over being told what to do, and insisting she Did Nothing Wrong to begin with. Snicker.
Read Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend, a good book to get you started.
Read this great article to glean some tips about how to deal with narcissistic personalities who are also passive/aggressive:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
I'm sure you get the Silent Treatment when things don't go Mother's way, too, right? Oh I know it well! It's actually a nice REPRIEVE from the chronic BS, isn't it? :)
Wishing you the best of luck putting yourself & your son first now, and seeing what senior residential community you can get mom into to live. Make her someone ELSE'S problem is the best advice you'll get.
I gotta agree. It aggravates me to no end when people let these women (not that men are exempt!) do and say whatever they want, whenever they want, and expect people to take whatever they want to dish out. Most of them have been coddled their entire lives, but to hear them talk, you'd think they've had to work in coal mines since birth.
Now if one has dementia or some other issue where they have no filter anymore? Still annoying, but I can overlook it. But often it's not dementia, they simply feel entitled to cut people down because they've reached a certain age. Sorry, no. It is rude to tell someone they're too fat or their dress is ugly.
The book Boundries is by Townsend and Cloud. Its written for those who have Christian values. So covers "honor your mother and mother" thing. Daughter enjoyed it.
There are resources she can use. Bussing thru the Office of aging one thing to get her to appts and shopping. You are disabling her by not doing what she can for herself. Your son and partner are your number 1 priority. Mom is part of your family.
So you have a wonderful family, but with many family issues you need to deal with; and of course they are your first OBLIGATION.
Yet you are enabling a well and very manipulative, as well as unpleasant mother to run your life?
This is something I am afraid will be beyond the expertise of average folk on a Forum to help you with.
I think you should see a therapist and would suggest a Licensed Social Worker who is trained in counseling and therapy and in private practice. They are great at working on combing through life transitions work. They may help you find insight and options you cannot now see.
If you are caregiving a WELL 65 year old, I at 80 years of age, and ALSO well, want to know why? This is enmeshing your own life, the plate of which is full to overflowing, with your Mother's. Has she no interests? No hobbies? And if not, then the question to her is WHY NOT? I have reading, a garden, walking, junk shopping, knitting, sewing kimonos, podcasts, animal rescue and fostering, a few late night TV shows, and I have only time to shoot some texts off to my 60 year old daughter to say "Hi" some days. (I will be with her soon for almost a month and can't wait, and I can rest assured that between us there will be no harsh words and recriminations. Just fun and wonderful times together whether picking rocks off the beach, cooking together, or a casino jaunt, plant nursery or side trip off to see the grandson.)
I would like to tell you this. Your choices are your own. If my Mom ever had shouted at me "You will be sorry when I am dead" in THESE circumstances I would yell back "I doubt that VERY MUCH, and your grandson will be THRILLED".
So, please get help. Then make the best choices you can for your life, and know you will be living with the consequences of them. IT IS YOUR CHOICE.
As to Mom, maybe she will decide, in desperation to get a hobby. Maybe she will find someone ELSE to make miserable.Who knows. And I couldn't care less.
I surely do wish you the very best. Just now it seems you are your own worst enemy. Mom is only a second. I hope you will get help.
And just an aside. NO ONE would abuse my daughter or my grandson in front of MY face, or they would do it at their peril.
Some on Forum believe it is our duty to "make nice" with our questioners. That wouldn't be me. You have done us the honor of being honest about your life. I have been honest back. I think sometimes we need a good dose of honesty to shake us up and to wake us up.
And the absolute honesty. I do love a straight talker!
I've a few things this week to sort out, and I'm going to sit down and write out what points I'd like her to understand. Explain how it's affecting me. And how we can go about keeping a close relationship without me feeling overwhelmed.
Because sadly I'm to the point where resentment is kicking in and the idea of her giving me a kiss turns my stomach. That said she insists on aiming for my lips and that's a no thanks from me.
Even when she asks to have a sip of my drink I can't stand it. I'd sooner drink from the same cup as a friend than my own mother.
As I've said she can be so kind and helpful, but it is at a cost.
I do love her and I do want to be helpful and be a good daughter. But I want to feel free to make my own plans and not be asked when it's her turn.
Next time she orders you to take her somewhere, remind her the bus is just fine. She will get mad. She will complain. She will throw a tantrum. She will pull the pity card "you'll be sorry when I'm dead!".
My reply? "Yes, I'll be sorry. Sorry you refused to do anything for yourself." Hehe.
You have way too much on your plate than to babysit and chauffeur her. And she has no right to verbally abuse your son! That is a dealbreaker right there.
She will have no incentive to branch out if you keep doing for her.
Absolutely for me the final straw is how she speaks to my son. And seeing the pattern of my childhood and life repeated knocks me sick.
Yes I was well loved, well looked after and even a bit spoilt. But as Ive said in a different reply, anything she's done for me is at a cost of my compliance. In her opinion I owe her.
And indeed I we do sort of owe our parents but not with the loss of our own lives.
Here's a little thought for today..
Stop. See the river.
Life in a canoe, floating,
Then paddling on.
Your Mother passed you her oars long ago. You are already paddling your own canoe with your son. Pulling another adult's canoe too, for so long is exhausting hard work. If Mother cannot/will not take up her oars, it would be reasonable to push her canoe to a the shore. Somewhere safe. Tie a rope. Introduce her to others who can help her. Maybe she will need to stop a while. Learn to paddle again. Or find a quite spot to stay.
Your journey still lies up ahead.
Whatever you need to do to come up with excuses so you can cut your time with her - whether you attribute it to your work schedule, or other responsibilities - or anything...and since she tells you that she's lonely, perhaps that's a perfect time to encourage her even more in meeting new people.
You sound extremely level headed and bright - and I hope this situation becomes gradually easier for you ....just remember, it's not you! It's your mom who is asking for way too much - and she's responsible for making her own life happy and meaningful - not you.
She can be so good to me, offering help etc.
But it's always been at the cost of my compliance. She uses "after all I've done for you" a fair bit.
Not to toot my own horn, but for me helping someone isn't about what you get in return. No one owes me for any help I've ever given. So I dont understand the mentality.
Yes I've helped friends and they've helped me. But I'd never expect it.
I can't tell you how far I've come from two years ago when my temper snapped, and how hard I've worked on building myself up to this point where now I need to lay boundaries.
I'm just having a wobble.
This is a poem I wrote a few weeks ago...
What About Me
What about me, you cry at my side,
Can you just take me along for the ride?
What about me you ask each time,
But I wonder when my time will be mine.
When do I get to be me?
Without having to ask when I can be free.
What about me you ask once more,
Id like to do that and be there to see.
But what about me I cry out of bore,
I want to be free to be me and explore.
Your poem is wonderful. Keep it up!
Poetry, writing, painting, anything creative can be so restorative.
Here's today's thought;
Cage door shut,
Locked, or is it stuck?
Keep pushing!
She has someone with her all the time, home health care aids, grandkids, great grandkids but still ramps up the drama making out she’s neglected and abandoned. She has early dementia probably but needs a proper diagnosis, COPD, Bipolar and lord know what else. Growing up with a Bipolar parent I learnt what was Bipolar and what was manipulative emotional abuse. I’m the one in law she doesn’t ring because she knows I won’t put up with her garbage and I’m good at the word NO (and I changed my Phone number). My life depends on NO. Having only 2 months ago had my Tachycardia come back along with high blood pressure and only just beginning to get it under control, even my doctor wrote me letter saying I needed 8 weeks total rest and no MIL drama.
If it was me I’d be rebuffing every untrue drama Queen statement she makes. Being old and or ill is not a free pass to verbally abuse, manipulate and mistreat those who are caring for you. She needs a short sharp reality check. She sounds entitled, self absorbed, selfish, mean, manipulative and dishonest.
The sentences "This is what works for me", "You cannot come this time", "This is my time", "Not at this time", "I cannot at this time", "That doesn't work for me", "You will need to wait", "Yes I will be sorry when you are dead", "I love you and this is what is happening at this point", "I will be here...", "I will do it at this time/day", "When I am here I can...", "I will be back... then I will...".
I've 7 weeks approximately to find a new home.
She's very kindly offered to let me stay at hers with my son, and she will take a B&B or something (it's a small one bedroom apartment so three of us wouldn't fit)
Anyway I've been busy with finding homes to view, people coming to view my home, appointments for my son, and only taking him to school on a part time basis.
Monday I dropped him off and went into two local stores. Then over to hers to get her and take her go get her medicines. We
Then went in two other shops also.
Today I made phone calls all morning, took my son in at lunchtime for afternoon session at school, and went into town to see some letting agents. While there I also went in a drug store.
Tonight she gave me big sad eyes and a baby voice "can I ask you something.... Can I come shopping sometimes?"
Oh and earlier she said to me that she doesn't want me to move too far away because she will be here alone and she has no transport!
I laughed it off and said "well we will have to get that bus pass sorted!" 🤭
And my partner has come to help with the final bits and sorting.
I'm refusing my mums help, other than to let my son stay with her yesterday so he wasn't as stressed.
But she had the nerve to ask me to take her to the shop yesterday, during my move... She apparently didnt have any food and can't go herself because of her dog and "you're having take away later and because I won't be there I won't be having any" ....
Theres a main store about a 10.min walk and a good convenience store across the road, about a 4 min walk away.
I got a bit snappy with her and said the shop is up the road and I got told off for shouting at her.
I caved and took her. She was very "off" with me.
And then my son ended up messaging me wanting to come home but he was scared she would be annoyed with him so he stayed. I told him I am his mum and if he wants to come home he doesn't have to worry.
I'm now waiting for her to pester me to help her finish sorting her house from her move.... Its already been mentioned.
Your Mom sounds lonely. Her choice to solve this is you (which is way too narrow a solution).
Also, maybe not independent enough to be living alone? How would she cope without your daily help? Eg if you moved to another town? Took a 2 week holiday? Got sick?
Has she always needed this much help & company? Or has this increased?
I'm wondering if maybe it is a good time for Mom to move too? How does independent living units with add-on help or assisted living work where you live? Imagine her with a few activities every week, bit of bingo, lots of ladies to chat to at dinner...
Even though no big medical or mobility issues (I think?) Mom is not really independent - she is living dependently, despite living alone.
Let that gel a bit & see what you think about it.
She's definitely adequately able to do LOTS of things.
Today she put things in her own attic. No assistance as I am still busy sorting my house. I don't understand how she can get up a ladder and will, if needed, get INSIDE the attic... But she can't do other things like a quick walk to the shop or a bus to the doctors.
2+2 isn't equalling 4 somehow.
She does tell me she's lonely, in spite of spending some 30+ hours a week in my company. Which I'm waiting also to be moaned at because she's seen less of me due to the move.
She wouldn't go into assisted living. She won't even consider joining social club activities. And if she did she would want me to take her. And it would be short lived. She wouldn't give it time.
She doesn't want to help herself not be lonely. I think her opinion is that she has me, so why should she.
She also would cope just fine if I did go on holiday. She would moan, but she could definitely get by.
I don't know if I updated about it the other day. But I got a bit bold when she said she had to pick up her prescription or go to the doctors, and I asked "what would you do if I dropped dead?"
And she said the council would have to help her then, but because I'm alive they won't. And "is this you saying you don't want to help me?!" (shirty tone).
Also anxious as we have a small trip booked to take my son to an Observatory for his birthday, shes paid towards it. And frankly I'm dreading having to spend 3 entire days with her. Sorry I've waffled on and off the main subject.
I hope you have cut down the times you visit. I am assuming your from the UK so not sure what's offered there. You must have some kind of Office of Aging. See what type of services they offer. Here, they supply buses for Dr visits and appts. Senior centers? Give her some socialization. Riding the bus she may meet new people. May find she enjoys it. My Dad and Mom went over to visit my sister who was stationed there. My Dad could not walk much so they would leave him on a bench when sightseeing. He always found someone to talk to.
I didn't know I was setting boundries at the time with Mom. I was working p/t. Mom was easy. We picked one day a week for her errands and lunch. Dr visits were set up when I could take her. As time went on, I looked at those visits and found that Mom could cut down or out some of her doctors. My Mom had her friends and Church so I did not need to be her entertainment.
A while back a member used the word "disable" in place of "enable". A member had posted asking if we thought she did too much for her Mom when she visited her because Mom did not seem happy when she did things for her. A member replied that by doing things that Mom was capable of doing she was disabling Mom. Yes, Mom may do them slower but she can do them. Think about this when Mom asks you to do something. Can she do it for herself, then she needs to do it. She has a convenience store across the street and a grocery 10 min away, tell her it will do her good to get out of the apt and get some Sun and exercise. Get her one of those carts to put her grocery bags in.
No is a one word sentence
When saying No you are not responsible for the response you get. (This is from the book Boundries)
My mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
P.S. If Mom says she wants to move again, tell her its all on her, u will not be helping. She actually needs you more than you need her. As you assert yourself more you may see a difference in her. Like you said in a response, she "asked" if you could do something for her. A small breakthrough 😁.
Yes I'm in the UK.
There will definitely be a reduction now I've moved, which will massively annoy her. She's already mentioned it and how I'll "forget" about her.
I think I mentioned a shopping trolley to her before, she was furious 😂 she's "not that old".... Heck I'm 37 and I'd be tempted if I didn't have my car and had to get buses or walk. I don't know if I've mentioned before that I have my own disabilities, I have one hand, the other has no fingers. And leg/hip joint problems where they sublux. I am also tempted to see if I too am on the ASD spectrum, possibly ADHD. But doesn't seem worth investigating at my age.
As in my reply to someone else, she doesn't want to help herself find friends. And when she does, she ends up bad mouthing about them to me, and that's something I dislike. (speaking about my mum like this makes me feel like I'm being awful)
Theres Help The Aged here, but she also doesn't want "random people" in her house (her words).
It's literally ANY excuse to not lose a grip on me. And I'm a sucker for always avoiding the fight.
I struggle so much when I do stand up for myself. Because I hate the conflict and how I'm told I'm a selfish person.
Most importantly, I think you should start prioritizing your son as no one should be treating him that way, even your mother. When my mother started making negative comments to my daughter, I refused to take my daughter to see her.
You mother is relatively young and you could be supporting her for the next 20-30 years so you need to take action now.
I'm proud of my little steps and definitely plan to make bigger adjustments.
It's been so wild to open my eyes to it all, and now I can't unsee it. So I know I have to change me. And still I struggle with feeling like I'm the bad person, or that my feelings on things are wrong. And she's right to be asking etc.
I am happy for you that you've found a new place and moved. That's good because it can be a good start.
You have to stop enabling your mother's passive/aggressive behavior of learned helplessness and abusive gaslighting.
From what you say about her she can function as a normal adult.
You do not have to become her parent and take her by the hand and do every little thing for her like a child. Stop spending so much time with her. Four days a week for multiple house is WAY TOO much time to spend with a person who is not an invalid and can do for themselves. You're not doing her a favor being with her so much. What you are doing is enabling her to be needy and clingy. You cannot be her social life. She will never get a life of her own if you continue to let her run yours. Please don't let her look after your autistic special needs child. He doesn't understand his grandmother's abusive manipulation towards him or you. Don't leave him with her alone again.
She sounds very much like my mother. The next time she says something like 'You'll be sorry when I'm dead'. Your response should be two simple words: 'Not likely'. Then let that be the end of it.
My mother is extremely jealous that I've reconciled with my ex-husband. So, she's been doubling-down on the verbal abuse and gaslighting. I ignore her. She's almost 20 years older than your mother, so she can't at this point get a life of her own. Then again she's been this way since she was a young woman in her early 40's. I'm not willing to give any more of my life in her service. You should do the same.
Start visiting your mother once a week and not for eight and ten hours at a time. As long as it takes to have a meal and coffee is enough of a visit. Don't take her to every doctor's appointment or to run every errand. Get her a home/health aide companion. You're in the UK so it might not even cost anything out of pocket.
You will never be able to have a healthy mother/daughter relationship with her if you continue to live in a domestic servant/master employer relationship with her.
Stop enabling her nonsense and make her start doing for herself. It's for her own good.
I also feel you are taking steps & building your strength.
Change IS hard. But you don't need great big walls built by tomorrow. Building what you need can be done in stepping stones, then some steps up, then a fence or too before any big walls.
I found the hardest thing was to changing my thinking. From 'I must do this/that/help/fix' to 'I can choose for myself'.
A reasonable adult would accept you have your own life too & wish you grace to live it. Sharing time together would be that - sharing time. Not this pressure of being their daily workhorse & emotional saviour.
I'm not blaming Mum for her ways. It can happen for whatever reason (hard childhood, life experiences, personalities, even disability, aging decline).
Your Mum may need a lot of help & be lonely too.
But this does not mean you have to be the sole person to do everything.
"I asked "what would you do if I dropped dead?"
And she said the council would have to help her then, but because I'm alive they won't".
This is incorrect. The council won't help because she won't ask them. She won't ask them because she is not forced to. Coz while you meet all her needs she won't look at *non-you* alternatives.
Fear of 'randoms' is a natural response & very very common.
A much used way to break through this is a council cleaning person. Folks get over 'random' & start to build trust. Then you build on other services as required.
Maybe call the council yourself? See if Mum qualifies for a cleaner eg once a fortnight. Arrange it. Tell her it is a trial. Then you step back a little (especially from any cleaning). Let Mum set her cleaning preferences herself.
Set an aim for yourself to whittle down your help to 2 fixed days a week. Your calendar is yours. You go when it suits you BOTH - not just Mum. Remove the *at beck & call* from your mindset would be a great starting point. Your time/wants/wishes are just as valuable a her needs/wants/wishes.
This advice is so great for my mindset and helping me get it into my head that it is indeed MY time, MY life and realistically I don't have to share if I don't want to.
A maddening thing is she "needs" me to now take her to collect a bra. Please feel free to laugh because I am.. Both amusement and frustration.... We went on a bit of a mission to find a same or similar bra to one she has from a specific shop, they didn't have one, she purchased others but they aren't right and need returning.
So she's gone online and ordered one from the website and ordered to collect, but to a different store. And now that's down to ME to take her.
There's asking and expecting in life, and indeed she does ask... But it isn't a question if that makes sense, it's "my order is in, will you take me" and I feel like screaming "WHAT IF I SAY NO?!" she also just doesn't consider my car doesn't run on fresh air.
Of course she again plays helpful with offering money and help if things go wrong, but I do not want to take it as it is held against me. Its always been "I've done everything for you and sh*t is my thanks. You just kick me in the guts all the time." and I'm sick of hearing it.
If as you say you are sick of listening to it, then stop listening to it.
You could also tell your mother that you will pick up her bra (not her) at the store when you get around to it. Then that's the end of it. Don't give her the chance to throw in a snide criticism or a measure of passive/aggressive guilt-tripping.
You sound like a nice person who wants to be helpful. However you also sound like a someone who never learned how to shut someone down while still caring.
Start with this. The next time (and there will be a next time) your mother gives you her passive/aggressive or entitled crap, let these be your new responses.
When she starts up about all she's done for you and you give her nothing back tell her this:
'You are the parent not me. It's the parents job to provide for their children. If they don't then the law comes after them. You don't get points for doing what the law demanded of you'.
When you get the entitled behavior over what she deems "her time" here is your new response:
'I am not your employee. I do not receive a paycheck from you.
You're actually not entitled to any of my time. Whatever I give you is because I love and care and I will not tolerate ingrate behavior'.
Try these responses out. Stand up to her a bt otherwise you will get no respect and your relationship with her will get worse.
My mother has always enjoyed fighting. She knows how to insitgate without it neccesarily looking like she's instigating.
She'll start with something political so it doesn't start off personal. In fact she tried that today and it's been a while. My response to shut it down before it started up was:
'You don't care about anyone other than yourself. So really it doesn't make any difference in your world who's in office'.
Then I walked away aand got her breakfast.
Burnt, you may have been burnt around some edges.. but you got out before being burnt up! Got yourself out too, which is so important!
A lesson for us all: Don't wait passively for someone with a hose - take ACTION to get out of the burning house. Get to a door or window & bust on out!
It is what I've wrote out to my mum, and I just want to know if its OK. If it sounds reasonable. What I could change.
Thanks so much.
I suppose I shouldn't have lied earlier when I said it's nothing and it's just stress.
I've alot of thoughts and feelings to share. And I know you're not going to like some.
I want to start by saying that I do love you, and all I want is our relationship to work. Because currently it is not working. At least not for me. I am very very unhappy.
It hurts to have to say it. And I don't like the idea of it upsetting you. But you don't seem to see it.
I feel like you're way too dependent on me.
I know you're not in the best of health, but you are more capable than you're allowing yourself to be. You have absolutely zero independence.
And even though you ask me if I can take you here or there, the undertone is that it's expected.
If I was to say no, you'd expect answers as to why, and you'd have a lot to say about it.
I feel like I have very little autonomy over my own life. I don't make plans as I panic that you will be upset, as you come across as dejected when I choose to do something without you.
I want to enjoy your company and not feel like I HAVE to be with you because if I don't you'll be sad.
I've come to realise we are very different in that respect, you crave company. I crave alone time. And I know you don't have other people in your life, but it is not my responsibility to bridge those gaps. Its not healthy for me to do so.
I promise that it's not that I don't want to spend time with you, I genuinely do, but at the moment it's 30+ hours a week. That's alot. And it's not spent in a quality way.
And it also means I have very little time to just have me and Nate time. And you should understand how important and precious that is.
I also want to address how you speak to Nate. It hurts me so much when you are having a go at him for being rude, and how long you rant on at him. Often it is you who hadn't heard him, or misheard what he has said. You don't seem to take into account that it is you who is hard of hearing.
I don't like that you shout at us both when he's speaking to me to explain his side, we aren't being sneaky. We are allowed to speak just me and him. And when I've heard his side, then I could mediate.
I don't like it when you have a go at him and use phrases like "you'll be sorry when I'm dead" that's an absolutely awful thing to guilt trip anyone with, especially a child.
He is genuinely scared to say no to you sometimes, his words being "I can't, Nonie will kill me".
It upset me when you cant see he doesn't mean to be rude, and you have a go at him over it. Yes he does need to learn, but ranting at him isn't how he's going to learn it. And you need to take his autism into consideration with both how he says things and how you help him understand why what he's said isn't the best way to say it.
I appreciate all you do for him, but I won't be tolerating that behaviour towards him. Its not fair on him.
I hope you can understand where I'm coming from and that I wish to be the adult in my own life. To do things MY way. And share my time how I see fit.
This isn't a personal attack on you, at least that's not how I wish it to be.
I just need to have my own life and be me. Not always "NAME and NAME". I'm a person in my own right and yet it doesn't feel like it.
Please try to stop being so afraid of her anger.
What ability does she have to hurt you?
Stop apologizing to her for how you feel! "Your behavior is unacceptable and will no longer be tolerated".
She sounds like a dreadful human being.
Dear Mother;
I want to enjoy your company and not feel like I HAVE to be with you because of how you react (if I don't you'll be sad. )
I feel like I have very little autonomy over my own life. I don't make plans as I panic that you will be upset, as you act (come across as) dejected when I choose to do something without you.
I've come to realise we are very different in that you crave company. I crave alone time. And I know you don't have other people in your life, but it is not my responsibility to bridge those gaps. Its not healthy for me to do so.
(I promise that) it's not that I don't want to spend time with you, I genuinely do, but at the moment it's 30+ hours a week. Its too much (That's alot). And it's not spent in a quality way.
And it also means I have very little time to just have me and Nate time. And you should understand how important and precious that is.
I also want to address how you speak to Nate. It hurts me so much when you are having a go at him for being rude, and how long you rant on at him. Often it is you who hadn't heard him, or misheard what he has said. You don't seem to take into account that it is you who is hard of hearing.
You may not (I don't like that you ) shout at us both when he's speaking to me to explain his side, (we aren't being sneaky. )
We are allowed to speak just me and him. And when I've heard his side, then I could mediate.
I don't like it when you have a go at him and use phrases like "you'll be sorry when I'm dead" that's an absolutely awful thing to guilt trip anyone with, especially a child.
He is genuinely scared to say no to you sometimes, his words being "I can't, Nonie will kill me".
It upset me when you cant see he doesn't mean to be rude, and you have a go at him over it. This is no way to treat any child. It is abuse.
( Yes he does need to learn, but ranting at him isn't how he's going to learn it. )
And you need to take his autism into consideration with both how he says things and how you help him understand why what he's said isn't the best way to say it.
I appreciate all you do for him, but (I won't be tolerating that behaviour towards him. Its not fair on him.)
I will no longer tolerate your abusive behavior towards him.
I think I aim to put in what she will point out or pick on.
This has come about because she has caught on that I'm "being off" with her and asked why.
I've needed to do it and put it off for various reasons and not needing the additional stress. But I can't run any more.
Boundaries is not about HER recognizing her poor behavior. It's about YOU telling her that her behavior is unacceptable and that you will no longer sit around and take it.
The minute she gets nasty, shouts at Nate, argues with you, you get up and leave, saying nicely "we will see you another time when you're feeling better".
No engagement. No argument. Just...leave.
I've still not raised the issue with her. But I have contacted a psychotherapist to help me. I've had several panic attacks over the last few days and I just need this final bolster I think to pick me back up.
I appreciate you all for the advice.
Therapy isn't going to do you any good at all if you refuse to act on your own behalf to change the dynamic with your mother. The therapist can't do it for you.
You have to stand up to your mother and establish boundaries with her that you do not allow to be breached for any reason.
I know that you're in the UK. London? Or anywhere near? I ask this because if you decide to take no action to change the abusive dynamic with your mother, you should quit therapy and get a box in Hyde Park. Stand up on there and complain about your mother and how terrible she is. It's free and will help as much as therapy if you refuse to stand up to her.
And since mom's behavior isn't going to change, you need to do double work.
Good luck.
Had second therapist session yesterday.
I did have a "meltdown" prior to it as I didn't want her to know what I was doing. I can't lie to save my life.
I sort of had to see her yesterday and I panicked couldn't think of an excuse to take her home at the time my appointment was, and she's no intent on knowing everything I felt I couldn't fully lie. I settled in telling her I'm having therapy to help me deal with my emotions and nd anxiety regarding my sons mental health....
Of course as I predicted she asked about my session and I was strong enough to not give any details! I said it's just standard therapy stuff.
She did say I can speak to her and she does try to not put on me 🤣
I want to know what world she lives in.
Anyway my therapist is wonderfully down to earth. As are all of you here, I really do appreciate the straight up answers. Because it IS on me to do the work. I know I can't change others. It has to be me to undo the way she's taught me to behave.
I've been programmed to serve her essentially and Im excited and nervous to reprogram myself.
I try to make sure I'm a good person, to be kind and helpful, but I have to stop doing it at the cost of my own happiness and well-being.
I love helping people, but it hurts my heart when I end up saying yes because it's expected of me to do it, and i then struggle because I feel resentful.
Thank you to you all. I'll probably Bob back and fore over the next few week.
Take care all
Fantastic news and it sounds like you've made really great strides and are on the right road - what a great update....I'm cheering you on !! :-)