Hello all!
I have been a caregiver to my mother for 8 years now, since I was 27. I am about to be 35. I am still living in my childhood home, haven't had a place of my own ever. My mom is now in mid to late-stage Alzheimer's. And it has become increasing difficult for me to find any happiness being a caregiver to her. I work a 9-5 /40 hour a week job. My mom doesn't clean, doesn't cook. She just watches TV all day. When I ask her for help with housework she responds "What's wrong with your hands" or will argue with me that something isn't dirty or doesn't need to be cleaned. So, asking her for help has become so exhausting that I have stopped asking her and just do it myself. But I'm tired, and it causes me to have resentment towards her because I have to pay all the bills, cook, clean, while she just sits there. I also try to have conversations about putting her into a senior assisted living facility so she's not isolated and I can have my life. She says that she will get depressed if that happens or just gets angry and says "I can't believe you would do that" She has started wandering, and I have to micromanage things she does, like use the microwave because I had to replace 3 microwaves over her putting things in there and setting the timer for 5 hours. I am just exhausted and honestly didn't ask to be a caregiver to her. She's my mom yes, but my life has been put on hold to take care of her and it's causing me to dislike her. Because anytime I try to talk about my life or wanting to have my own life her response is "Don't forget to take care of me" I don't know what to do, or how to navigate through this, so any advice or any personal experiences would be helpful.
It's possible that this may be a matter of being so distressed and exhausted to the bone that you can't think or trust any decision you may come up with.
But, forgive me, all over your post it sounds as though there is a lot more going on.
It's troubling to me to ask a person with mid-to-late stage Alzheimer's disease for help with unsupervised housework. My bad, maybe you're working from home. I can't imagine leaving a person who can't operate a microwave at home alone.
And having conversations with someone, (your mom who is not interested in your wellbeing, and you know it) rather than a mentally stable person about having a life has me wondering if you really take your life seriously. You may just want to vent. That's ok, but know and call it what it is. You may not be able or actually want to break the routine. There's a comfort to burrowing-in. It's familiar.
That your mom is capable of saying "Don't forget to take care of me" makes me question if your grooming didn't start well before the age of 27. All young people should want to fly away from the nest. All moms must prepare kids for the launch and flight. Some birdies can't. Accept who you are and find peace in it. Stop arguing with your mom.
I especially loved the brilliance of the other manipulation…"I can't believe you would do that". How about replying, to yourself - "I can't believe what I've done to myself". As of 18 you are 100% complicit in this game.
Seriously, your life as it is is predictable, and in a way safe. Think long and hard about what you would do if you didn't have mom and her house. Then think harder about how exactly you'd accomplish every aspect of taking charge and being alone. Alone and strong.
You may need to speak to a social worker or elder care manager to help you sort things out.
Don't ever give up working to care for your mom.
It sounds like she has some memory issues and her physical needs exceed your abilities anyway. It is time to start looking for care for her. Do you have medical and financial POA? If not, get it immediately while she is still able to sign the papers.
Unless she has a lot of cash, most likely the house will need to be sold to pay for her care.
From what I read and presume, it is 'more' complicated than 'just' being selfish. Regardless ... the daughter needs to change for appropriate and the best care possible for the mother, and herself. Gena
She will be fine. You can visit her weekly.
thank you,
Jeff
Stop resenting her and just do what you need to do. When you start letting a dying brain to call the shots it is never good.
help with housework
make decisions as to her own care
decide if she wants to go to a Memory Care facility or stay home.
YOU need to wrap your head around the fact that mom
Will not get better at helping you
She will require more and more help
It is dangerous to leave her at home alone. (I presume you have no one to come in and stay with her while you work)
Taking care of someone does NOT mean that YOU physically have to take care of them. Taking care of someone means that you see to it that they are safe.
PLEASE begin looking for facility that can manage her care.
I urge you not to place her in Assisted Living particularly if she is wandering. Even if she could manage AL now as dementia progresses she will need MC and that would mean moving her and she would have to readjust.
Contact your local Senior Service Center. See if there are programs she may qualify for that would help with caregivers.
If she is a Veteran she may qualify for benefits from the VA. If her husband was a Veteran she may qualify for services as well. To determine that contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission or the local VA. You could also try your States Department of Veterans Affairs.
You need to do this for yourself!!!!
You change how you think and you then change your behavior.
As long as you continue to feel you HAVE TO do all that you have been doing for many years, the situation will continue to escalate and you will continue to feel increased mental, emotional, psychological and physical distress / deterioration.
If you want to "stop" these things, you have to look inside yourself and examine the reasons why you have taken all this on and for so long.
You may have a breakdown if you continue on the path you've taken on for many years.
You deserve more / a quality life although you need to realize this inside yourself. You have to learn to love and respect yourself.
See a therapist as soon as you can.
Call an agency or somehow hire someone to help your mother - at her expense. You do not ask her, you hire someone period.
You may be triggered by childhood trauma to make the decisions you've made and continue to make.
Changing (our) thinking and behavior isn't an 'easy quick fix' - a therapist can help you sort it out. Only when you know what is running you can you change your thinking and then behavior, which happens when you are willing to explore how you are feeling and desire to make changes, even if they feel uncomfortable.
Gena / Touch Matters
While it may be or not be a 'blessing' to her mother, this daughter needs support to change the unhealthy dynamic that may be a life-long pattern.
It may have been more of a blessing to use mother's funds (or lack of them) to get her the help she needs, like being in a nursing home. What is done is done. The daughter can only make decisions moving forward, and learning to love and respect herself.
No more dragging your feet! Visit some likely care facilities. Look at ones that start out with assisted living and will move the resident to a memory care unit when it's necessary. I believe memory care is necessary for your mom right now, but the assessment team will evaluate mom and let you know how they can best care for her. They will have ideas about how to evaluate her without her raising a fuss. They do this all the time. You have POA, so you are in charge now.
You may think that you need to work mom around to the idea of care, but she clearly isn't reasoning well, has no idea of the care she needs now or eventually will need, and expects you to sacrifice yourself on the Altar of Mom. No. This isn't going to happen. You're going to stage a silent revolt.
Personal experience: I was concerned about husband who needed a higher level of care and was going to be moved to a different memory care that could provide it. I told him that we were going to be visiting with a nurse at snack time, and we gathered around a table for four in the facility. She started a friendly conversation and typed on her laptop. He began to eat his glasses. He was completely at ease, she had no trouble determining his level of need, and soon he went to the new place. He is content, has made friends, enjoys his days, and though he is very sick now, he knows the aides love him. Considering the problems he has, his life couldn't be better.
And another thing - he was in the first memory care because he'd begun wandering. He soon ended up in a hospital ER miles away from our house as a John Doe. I'd been sure he couldn't get out of the house due to extreme measures I took to lock him in. No harm done, but he willingly got into a car with strangers who called an ambulance. Anything could have happened; this was on a busy highway.
Don't let your mom become Jane Doe! Place her soon.
She would also try to cook then forget about it and burn pans which then had to be thrown away. Her food actually did catch fire one time when she was very distracted but fortunately her IL cottage had a smoke alarm which was connected with the fire department directly.
I dreaded visiting her because all I did during my visits was work and our once great relationship was getting pretty bad. I was hesitant to move her to MC but she was not safe being alone at any time. Now she is happier than she has been in quite a while and I have my life back. I do visit her often and take her out to go places but I don’t have to worry about cleaning and doing other chores around her house.
You are too young to be devoting your life to your mother’s care. I am in my late 60’s and retired but I still needed more time for me. You have put so much of your life into caring for her that you won’t have anything to fall back on when she is no longer around. I have close friends who understand what I am going through because they are at the same stage of life, though most have recently lost their parents. Your peers, for the most part, can’t understand how much work you are doing. You need a chance to do things with friends and enjoy yourself while you are young. You may find, like I did, that moving your mother to MC is the best thing for both of you!
1. A house and a car (not that Mom drives) are exempt when applying for Medicaid.
2. If / when you place her in your chosen facility, have one or two people with you (for your support).
3. I have seen success with telling the patient "I've found a lovely hotel for you to stay in for a bit - and have a change of scenery - meet some new friends, etc.". Our aunt thought she was in a hotel for a year plus after being placed.
All the best.
When you get to the point of picking one they will probably require a few things. In my mom's state it's a form signed by the doctor and a TB test. The facility will also send someone to assess your mom for themsef. Hope that helps, come back when you have updates or questions.
You are working full time, so clearly your mother is left alone 40 hours a week. She is capable then, of self-caring. Notify her of when you will be leaving and rent an apartment for yourself.
If you have trouble managing above then seek some therapy with a good, in person, cognitive therapist. Be certain not to trip into someone who practices "talk therapy" as I suspect you've talked about this enough and now what's required is a determination and willingness to step away from talking and into taking action outside of the normal habitual actions you take daily.
Wishing you the best of luck. No one but YOU has any control over your choices in this situation.