My mother is 91 years old. She lives alone and will not accept the fact that she has a memory problem, which I feel is dementia. I am going to speak to her doctor about it but regardless, she’s in total denial, and every time I tell her something the next day she’ll will ask me the same question or will have trouble finishing a sentence, or looking for the words that she needs to describe something. Every time I bring up the subject, she’ll tell me that I never told her that or that I am confused and gets defensive, when I mention about her memory issues. What would be the best way to try to tell her that she has memory issues and possibly dementia ? I have become her only caregiver, and I personally feel that she doesn’t want to accept the fact that her age and her health are becoming more of a factor and she won’t accept the fact that she’s having memory issues. She will not get an aide or even consider assisting living facility. I have been getting caregiver stress because of all this. Any help or thoughts on this issue would be greatly appreciate it 🤔
If not, you likely have a very small window of time for her to make you POA.
And if her dementia is severe enough she won't appoint you at this time, anyway. Paranoia sets in pretty fast.
To your question now, you really CANNOT convince someone with dementia of ANYTHING whatsoever. In fact denial is a very strong and almost certain reaction to early dementia. And if she has dementia your Mom can no longer be rational, cannot understand the importance of all you say, and won't believe you.
That's part of the disease.
You can present Mom with some easy testing that you can pull of the internet. For instance, have her draw a clock face with the numbers and set the clock for 11:15. Spell Forum backwards. Etc. Simple memory test questions. Tell her it is a game and if she can do these things she wins and you will let her alone a while.
The important thing here is to have MPOA (so you can speak with her MD) a general POA so you can act for Mom's protection. As I said, once diagnosed and judged incompetent Mom can no longer confer POA.
I would, if this is serious enough, and if you believe that Mom is becoming a danger to herself in being alone, report her to APS and tell them what you have told us. They can visit Mom and speak with her, and if they feel she is in danger alone they can help you to act for her best interests. They can also help you get temporary guardianship in order to get testing started.
I hope that what you are seeing is common forgetfulness (I am 80; I know about THAT) and perhaps some anxiety, which increases as we age; it can manifest with forgetfulness, and according to AARP is one of the most unaddressed problems currently common to seniors.
Good luck. Hope you'll update us as you go along.
It's a good idea to document your concerns and give them to her doctor before you take her there, Do you have POA over her finances and health care proxy for her medical care? You need those asap.
It was helpful in my mother's case to get a good evaluation by geriatric specialists. Often a regular doctor isn't able to make a proper diagnosis but (s)he can make a referral to some one who can diagnose and treat.
Likely eventually she will need more care than you can give her. I found once professionals were involved with mother they were able to convince her to take meds that helped her, and they placed her in a suitable facility.
Caregiving is very stressful and you need to look after yourself too. Your local agency for aging maybe able to help you with ideas and resources. I'm sure others will share more wisdom and support on this difficult journey. All the best to you.
if you are present when she’s with doctor, sit behind mom where you can communicate silently with doctor by slightly nodding your head yes or no. That way if she’s lying, doctor will know.
if you’re not present at this appointment, at least doctor will know her issues and can get the ball rolling. And you should communicate again with doctor in a follow up call or note. Without her permission, doctor probably won’t talk to you, but your input is usually welcome.
Good luck!
If she has dementia she may have anosognosia, which is the inability to recognize that her memory is poor. Without a working memory she can't 'keep' new information-her mental calendar and information filing systems are down. So while she may have lost her keys and searched for them for hours yesterday, she won't retain any memory of that, and she'll think your're wrong if you tell her about it. I found this very helpful:
https://www.alzconnected.org/uploadedFiles/understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf
These Videos and documents are helpful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqmqC-702Yg
https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs
As well as posting here, the Alzheimer's caregiver forums are also very helpful :
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=topics&f=151
If you have access to her patient portal send a note to the medical staff so they can inform the doctor. He/she can then be prepared for her next visit.
If she does not have a visit soon I would request one. (use any excuse that mom will take to get her in before her appointment)
There is a very good chance that she will not believe the doctor. This also is a symptom that some with dementia have. What is important that the doctor make her and you fully aware that she can no longer live alone. You have to make it clear that she can not live with you (if that is the case and from what you have written I am guessing that is true) So that leaves mom 2 options.
Moving to Memory Care (you can call it assisted living if you want but she should be in MC not AL.)
or
Mom has caregivers that are there when you are not there for her. (and yes this probably means 24 hours a day. You never know what might happen at night she may wander or get up to use the stove, washer, take a shower and not turn off the stove, forget how to use an appliance)
I just read in the NY Times that doctors are now creating fibs instead of telling the truth due to maintaining dignity of the patient
of course, AD was confirmed. As in every profession, there are great, adequate, and questionable physicians. Get your POA and MPOA asap if you don’t have them and a backup in case something happens to you. Make any necessary changes in those areas very soon. Best wishes to you!
The first is fixable.
I think it behooves you to tell your loved one that this memory problem you're seeing could be something that has a cure.
Anosognosia is quite common with dementia, my mother never believed she was impaired and I didn't push it. What for? Its not "denial" the elder experiences but the inability to recognize the facts.
Stop insisting she grasp the situation and let her live her life in peace, that's my suggestion. Even if she was able to grasp she has dementia, it wont change a single thing.
Best of luck.
Who she has BECOME hates you.
YOU did the right thing.
Go to TEEPA SNOW website. There is a wealth of information.
It doesn't really matter if she has it or not in dealing with her and managing her care, although it is absolutely necessary to have an MD diagnosis for legal matters.
No, she'll never accept what is... she is scared, angry...
You never want to argue with a person going through these transitions.
You acknowledge their feelings, i.e., "I understand you feel xxx" and then you stop.
Otherwise, you will exhaust yourself and your mother. It will never end until you shift how you respond / understand what is going on with her (fear, frustration, anger, LOSS OF INDEPENDENCE ... (regardless of diagnosis).
Gena / Touch Matters
My mom had anosognosia along with her dementia, and every time we tried to force her to accept her diagnosis she got agitated and defensive and so upset. I wish we hadn't done that to her. It was frustrating for all of us. And now looking back, it was cruel of me to keep telling her she had dementia - what a scary thing for her to keep hearing over and over.
IMO, getting proper diagnosis is crucial.
I know that it is terrifying to realize that you are now caring for someone who may never quite understand everything the way she once did, All the explaining in the world will bring you both down.
Instead, move forward with a solution. if you need help, get help. If you must put her in a nursing home because that is your only workable solution, there is no need to make her feel incapable along the way.
Try “Janie is coming over for a spa treatment” instead of “Janie is supervising you in the shower because you have dementia.”
Try “a chauffeur will drop you off at the dermatologist so you don’t have to walk so far” instead of “you can’t drive anymore because you will get lost.”
Make her feel cherished and important. Watch her face for happiness and duplicate the conditions. Play her favorite songs, even if she can’t remember the lyrics because something inside her might feel a little happier. When you notice her face showing frustration, redirect.
This is a challenging and painful time. For you certainly, but also for her. Ease her sorrows as best you can. There will be plenty of happy moments and little miracles along the way. Don’t get so bogged down that you miss them.
When you need a good hard cry, know that many of us have been there. Love every day while she is still with you because it simply cannot and will not last forever. With dementia, you will find yourself longing for the past. Try your best to enjoy today, everyday, as it will inevitably be tomorrow’s past.