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My mom has Alzheimers and sometimes aggressive behaviors. The current nursing home just sedates her. No one takes time to help calm her or redirect her. She is scared and confused. She is also 1.5 hours away from the closest family and we want her closer. Family can't keep going there every day to make sure she eats and is kept clean. We would like to get her into memory care with assisted living waiver, but that will take minimum of 4-5 months so or only option is another nursing home.

Are you sure she will qualify for MC already requiring medications? She is in a nursing home now. While you are waiting I suggest you visit a couple of MCs and speak to the marketing person about her needs. If you keep hearing that she no longer qualifies for the private places, you will know.

I wonder why people are visiting daily. Is she is not eating is it because circumstances are that her body is shutting down?
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Reply to MACinCT
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Depending on your mother’s ‘aggressive behaviors’, you may need to accept that she will be sedated in future. You find that “no one takes time to help calm her or redirect her”, but a) no-one may HAVE the time and b) the need to calm and redirect may FOLLOW the aggression. The safety of other residents may mean that she still needs sedation, unfortunate though that may be.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Based on others’ answers , I took this very literal , as in how to get her there .

Don’t try to bring her in your car to bring her to a facilty closer to family . She may get scared agitated , grab the wheel , open a door etc .

She should be medicated to keep her calm for the long ride . She should be transported via medical transport . It most likely would be out of pocket, but well worth it .

Good Luck .
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Reply to waytomisery
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sedating is often the best, and only option. for her benefit, yours and the staffs.
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Reply to Karsten
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When I moved my husband from one MC facility to another, I put him in the back seat and engaged the child safety locks. Otherwise, he would have been opening the car door. Best wishes - this is not an easy road.
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Reply to WearyJean
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Good luck finding another nursing home which will take time to calm her and redirect her without medication.
They simply may not have the time or the training for that. In my experience, they want to keep residents as easy to manage as possible. That means relying on medication to keep them in a sedated stupor, especially if the patient may get aggressive and hurt a staff member.

I applaud your interest in moving her closer to family, so at least you can check on her regularly and, if she is difficult, you should count on helping to provide for her care needs. She will be drugged, and possibly even neglected in a nursing home.

My husband was aggressively resistant to personal cares, and kept falling out of bed, and scooting across the floor (he couldn't stand or walk, and he was in diapers), in his mind, trying to go home. This was after he suffered a massive stroke at the age of 53, and was barely responsive when transferred from hospital to skilled nursing facility.
I stopped by to see him every day after work, and on the weekends. He was there for 10 months, before finally getting kicked out.
He had hurt staff members, and was becoming more and more difficult to manage. They attempted to dose him with morphine, which only had the opposite effect, making him even more wild. On my visits, I could see that he was being neglected. No one wanted to deal with that. And they shouldn't have to risk their safety. He was not an angry or aggressive person prior. He was simply scared and vulnerable, and had no control over any part of his body or mind, so was frustrated. Several medications have been tried over the years to try and calm his behavior. So far, nothing has worked. He just gets more anxious when he feels drugged. And more scared, and more resistant. I have had to take care of him at home for 8 years now. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. I get so frustrated! Every diaper change is a fight, where I have to wrestle him and win. Every attempt at bathing, grooming, is a fight. He grabs the washcloth and throws it. He screams like he's being tortured. He hits the water basin, dumping water all over me, the floor, and the walls.
He hits or grabs the spoon in my hand when feeding him, sending applesauce or pudding flying - all over him, me, the walls, the furniture,....
I Hate that it's like this!
I can certainly understand why nursing home staff refuses to deal with it.
They have other, easier patients to attend to, and they have to protect their staff.

I'm sharing this long personal story with you, because I understand why the care facility finds it easier to medicate their patients to keep them more manageable.
So they can take care of their needs. If your mother is responsive to the medication, that's a positive, even though none of us like to think of our loved ones spending their days in a sedated state.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Soldier4Christ Aug 18, 2024
Oh my goodness after reading your post caring for my mom is nothing to what your dealing with May God give you strength. There is a wonderful Program called Hope for the Caregiver Peter Rosenberger might help you a little.
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Camn41: Use medical transport services.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Unfortunately, unless you are very rich your mother will not have one to one care. Therefore, the staff at the nursing home cannot calm or redirect her.
If antipsychotics do not work (although these can also have a sedative effect) then sedation is the only alternative.

I think that you are concerned about your mother's quantity of life, whereas quality is all that matters. Unfortunately, your mum's condition robs her of quality of life - if it were me (and it is, with my own mum) I wouldn't wish to make her eat when she doesn't want to, prolonging her suffering.
However, it is important to keep your mum as clean as possible, which would probably now mean bed baths, instead of baths or showers, for her own safety.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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First to consider...If your mom has shown aggressive behavior in the past 3 months or so it might be difficult to get another facility to accept her. (If she has not shown aggressive behavior it is probably because of the medication so be somewhat thankful for that)
Medications do help in calming aggressiveness and reducing anxiety. There can sometimes be a fine line between just enough and a bit too much. Have you asked about the dose of the medication reduced a bit?

And I have to ask is she currently in a "nursing home" or is she in Memory Care? If she is in Skilled Nursing does she need Skilled Nursing? If so for what reason and if she does need Skilled Nursing a memory Care facility may not accept her as they can do things in Skilled Nursing that are not permitted in Memory Care. (generally "tubes" of any kind are not in MC, using equipment to transfer is not permitted in MC.)

When you find the facility you want her to transfer to the facility can arrange transfer if you can no t bring her yourself. Or you can arrange a Medical Transport. There are many private Medical Transport companies. Transporting her in a Van will be less expensive than if they have to use an ambulance type transport. (often a medical transport if medically necessary will be covered by insurance so check that and get a medical order if necessary)
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Reply to Grandma1954
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My daughter is an RN in NHs. When Moms anxiety got worse, she needed to be medicated. Yes, then she just sat. But like said, there is a fine line. My daughter said it what it is.

A Memory care will not take your Mom. They are not equipped to care for someone like your Mom. They are not skilled nursing. Your Mom now has aggressive tendancies that can only be controlled by medication. She is not the only resident that aides have to care for. RNs have little interaction with residents.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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cover9339 Aug 6, 2024
Not much of an issue at the facility, the majority of residents, got up before 7 am shift change and were wheeled into the tv room to wait for meals. After meals it was back to the tv room until time for bed, then repeat.
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my mom in rehab also and right now a real handful, to say the least, for the staff . When she was in hospital, they put her on seroquel which seemed to help but that did not follow her to rehab. The medical attendant is not an MD but a physicians assistant, and no attacking her, I often them and nurse practitioners as good or better than MDs in certain situations.

But in this case they prescribed hydroxyzine and I am not a professional but from what I understand is not much more than an antihistamine. The nurses and aides are having a tough job, I told them I sympathize with them but they need to lean on MDs to get her quieted down . They rightly say they cannot prescribe, and I said I know, but for your benefit you have to ask doctors to do something else.

I WISH they would sedate my mom for everyones benefit
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Reply to Karsten
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cover9339 Aug 6, 2024
Be careful what you wish or. They could sedate her into a catatonic state.
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You will have to visit and choose another home, but do know that they can/will "cherry pick". They do not want to accept a patient that takes the time of one of their staff members and whose family refuses to accept that medication may be needed for the most part.

I would discuss fully your mom, what her condition is physically and mentally, and what her assets are. Once you find a willing recipient in your area the physical transport will likely be van with accompanying family or ambulance, whichever is most appropriate. I am wishing you good luck, but I must admit to being not very hopeful for you. I hope I'm wrong.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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