My Husband would like me to place my mother, I am not ready for that. My mother is not easy to handle, but we have been doing well. I left my job to care for our child, and in 2017 my mother moved in with us when my father passed away and she was no longer able to stay in her apartment.
My husband wants her out, he wants his space, and has even pulled the he pays the bills card on me. How can I explain to my husband that I want to enjoy all the time my mother has left. I have tried to tell him this but he just does not get it. I do understand dementia is a handful, and thanks to the fact my husband is able to support us on his own income is helpful cause it allows me stay home. I wish for our child to get to know his grandmother in a place she is comfortable with not in a nursing home, he did not have the chance to know his grandfather I do not want to rob him of that.
My mother and our son to get along wonderfully, and my mother loves having him around. I do understand that this was not meant to be a forever thing, but I am not ready to send my mother away. I use to work in a Medicaid SNF I know the horrors that go on. My husband downplays the quality of care they are capable of provide. I could not live with myself if I did that to her knowing full well how they operate.
My family told me to tell him if he wants her out then he has to pay for her placement to a better quality place, but in truth MC is not really the best wherever you go and the cost associated with private care is insane. By no means am I burnt out. I used to do this for a living so I am better equipped to handle it. My husband is the one that is burned out. He wants his home back. My husband is not much of a people person and have never really meshed with my family.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to spend as much time as humanly possible with my mom and child? Having both of them around has been pure joy for me. Sure she is complicated show me a person with dementia that is not. I understand his feelings, but I do not think it is fair to have him tell me when it is time to place my mother. I get it he just wants it to be the three of us, but that is not how things are right now. I have told him we still have many years together we can make up for lost time, please find some enjoyment. Our son has a chance to spend time with his last living grandparent do not rob that from him.
He was not pleased by this, I get it might be heavy handed but that is what he is doing. I have seen it many times I know many families say their loved ones are doing great in MC, and sure some are. Though they are not around all day. My mother, hell no one deserves to die in such a place if the a family member is able to and willing to put in the work at home. I get it I can do this because of him, but even still that should not give him a reason to tell me how to care for my mother.
Please advise what should I say or do, we have tried to talk it out and he is hard stuck on this.
By definition, you are thus neglecting your child and your husband.
Mom has been there five years. I think hubby has been more than patient and tolerant with this situation.
If you don't want to place your Mother in MC, you probably won't. But it might have consequences on your marriage you don't like.
I agree that marriage counselling may help you both to hear each other & see each other's viewpoint.
Compromise may seem impossible but can work too. I've met people who's LO lives in residential care but is brought home for weekends or every second weekend. (As longs as that is not too unsettling for Mom of course).
Maybe it's time for someone else in your family to take her in?
Just the tone I get.
Find a marriage counselor and a therapist for yourself.
See a marriage counselor with your husband.
There is a bit of drama in your question. It is not sending your mother away. You are not robbing your son of getting to know grandma. It is teaching your son what a relationship should be. It is stressful for your husband to have her there. Do you want your son to grow up with his father or his grandma?
It probably is not a skilled nursing facility, that is much later. Have you checked into assisted living facilities, memory care? You think they are terrible places which leads me to believe you have not. There are many very good facilities with quality staff where there is more than one person to take care of her.
Go shopping with a positive attitude.
I would not say it is drama, I just worked in the system I know how it works, I know how staff treat difficult patients. Of course I want my our child to have a father, thing is I would not ask him to place his parent if he was not ready to do so. I have seen what families go through, I have dealt with the tears and broken heart of the LO that is placed. It is something that should be the last resort, as the caregiver I am not even close to my breaking point. I use to deal with far worse at my old job. My mom is a cake walk. I do understand where he is coming from, problem is he is unwilling to even understand where I am coming from.