My husband is returning from a 4-month stay in rehab this week. How can I avoid falling back into the "master and slave" lifestyle?
At the beginning of February, my husband was admitted to a rehab facility for 3 months of physical therapy for mobility issues. He will be returning home this coming Saturday. I've been "on my own" for this time and doing pretty well. I've handled any issues with the house, paid bills, budgeted our expenses and carried on with life. When he returns, I am concerned that things will go back to him as master and me as slave and I am becoming very depressed about this. Previously, I couldn't even get up out of a chair without him asking what I was going to do. If he was just trying to make conversation, it got to be extremely annoying. He obsesses over many things and needs to have the final say in whatever is done or not done. He is immobile and as they've said in rehab, even after 4 months of therapy, he remains " max assist" , only able to feed himself. My family room will be turned into a hospital room with a bed and lift and caregiving supplies. If we qualified for Medicaid, I would have him remain at this facility despite his protests. He cannot get into or out of a car. We have free paratransport here, but that can only take him around our city. I cannot take him anywear. Our life is far from how the Senior citizens live in the AARP and Consumer Cellular ads.
I love my husband. He has a cardiac issues. So did his twin brother. I live in fear that he will pass as his brother did, suddenly, in the middle of the night. Because of this, I feel very obligated to do all he asks and tolerate his "type A" personality. I'm not sure I will now be able to be a "little churchmouse" anymore. I sincerely do not want to be nasty or insulting to him, but he pushes me there. I never get the feeling he cares about me beyond my taking care of him. He seldom says please or thank you, and often, even though he has power of speech, he will on occasion point and grunt when he wants something.
I am trying very hard to graciously accept this hand I've been dealt but he makes it very difficult.
Sometimes, I may come back.
In Hub's defense, his Mother is renown for putting dirty dishes in the cupboard. Trust me, I know this to be true. But, on the other hand, I am picky clean so he should know better with me.
Oh, okay...sometimes it works, sometimes it don't.
FF, Really? Do men get their prostate s q u e e z e d between two clear plastic panels then x-rayed?
on purpose!
Have some fun with it, make him feel important.
Of course, that wouldn't work with my hubs.....he excels in work avoidance behaviors already.
I have named a new DSM diagnosis for it:
"Work Avoidance Personality Disorder"
with a subset description of: " Wide Receiver of Life".
Ok, most of the time this man is an angel.
I have a mammogram appt. on Tuesday. I want to go alone. All day today.........I'll come with you. No, I want to go alone. Over and over. It's like if he nags me enough I'll capitulate. How many times does a person have to say no before it sinks in. Oh, and before anyone says, Oh, it's sweet he wants to come with you to your mammogram appt. Sweet has nothing to do with it. Example: I went flying over the handlebars of my bike a few years ago. So there I was in emergency with one of those neck braces they put on you. I hear him in the waiting room doing the eye chart with the other people waiting. Totally ignoring me. If he could come into all my doctor's appts. with me, he would so that he could discuss how great a doctor his Dad is and leave me sitting there ignored. Everything is about him.
To the original poster, if I were you, the next time your husband points and grunts like an ape I'd start treating him like an ape. Feed him bananas and tell him to pound on his chest if he is happy. Then ignore him.
Did you say that you are raising children?
You just will have no time at all to be hubs caregiver, imo.
Maybe you can visit him in rehab when the kids are back in school. Max assist-won't that require 24/7 nursing?
Will you be able, for the sake of your children, stop all this from happening to you? I want to see you live through this, and without the guilt of not being two people.
Would it help to get a little counseling to better understand what you are expecting of yourself?
Hubs should not come home unless he can manage better.
None of us need to succumb to other's expectations of us.
How did your husband treat the staff at the rehab? Was he rude? Did he order them about? Is it just you that receives the special treatment?
I ask because If he treats everyone this way, he has one type of problem. If it's just you, then it's a different problem but it's still a problem. And only you can help him stop.
It might help you to get a professional coach. A geriatric psychiatrist might have the ability to guide you on correct action for best results.
OR you could simply have your bags packed (and Nurse Ratchett standing by) and explain that you are prepared to leave Immediately if you don't have his assurance that he will behave. Of course you would have to mean it.
I heard a police officer explain that when neighbors exchanged loud aggressive ugly statements that's an argument. When it's just one neighbor who is doing all the rude behavior and the other party is not responding, then that's harassment and actionable. So think about it. A person who has a rude neighbor doesn't have to put up with what you are trying to live with in your own home.
Remember if it's just you he treats this way, it's because you allow it. I'm really sorry to say that.
If my sig other has a medical situation where he needs hands-on care, I have Home Instead on speed-dial. And he is going to pay for it, not me. I remember how he treated me when I had cancer, he was no Florence Nightingale, and it was constant fights trying to get him to help me around the house. Ever get the "I rather move out then help you" conversation? Are these fellows stuck in 16 years old mode?
I was married to a verbally and emotionally abusive man for 24 years. Therapy did him no good. All he heard was that he was in the right.
With a great deal of individual therapy, I was able to move on. He and I are still friends (we share three kids and 2 grand kids). I am friend with his wife (who rolls her eyes in my direction from time to time) and while he is charming, he is a very disturbed person.
I am much happier now that I was when I was married to him.
As I explained to one of my daughters years ago, being the one in therapy does NOT mean that YOU are the one who is broken.
I have applied for help with his care, but the wheels move very slowly. He is scheduled to be discharged in less than a week, but nothing has been done about obtaining any durable medical equipment I will need and tomorrow I will need to "hound" the people in the facility for answers.
It will be interesting, to say the least, to see how this plays out when he returns home.
She completed her bachelor's degree in Behavioral Sciences at the age of 82. Summa Cum Laude.
My mother's example is probably why I remain fairly grounded in the midst of her dementia; we are none of us kids her hands' on caregivers; nor did she ever want us to be.
My advice is to set up safety nets for yourself before he gets back and while you are still feeling pretty good: schedule caregivers if you can afford it (or call senior services/Area Agency on Aging) if you can't. If there is a class or some activity you've been interested in, sign up this week -- it will give you something to look forward to each week, an excuse to get out of the house, and something to take your mind off the situation at home. Set up a little "refuge" for yourself in your room and get yourself a book you've been wanting to read for your nightstand.
Also if you start getting that feeling that he's impinging on you, it might help to have a visualization ready -- maybe a moment where you felt really good while he was gone -- and try to get away from him and out in the fresh air, take a deep breath and think of that moment.
Barb's suggestion about the therapist is great! Good luck with this!
Have you ruled out any cognitive decline in husband? Often, that makes people seem unappreciative, rude, demanding and annoyed. Sometimes, those traits begin before you see memory issues.
I would also meet with an attorney to explore what benefits he may be entitled to, so you can get some relief. How many people cared for your husband around the clock at rehab? So, you are supposed to do all their shifts, plus, take care of your own needs? It sounds quite daunting. No wonder you are apprehensive. I'd try to locate an expert to see what you and husband may qualify for and if nothing, how much paid services would cost.
I hope you find some relief. Please let us know what happens. You obviously need support and assistance.
Just because you are his wife does not mean you are not due at least the same respect you would get from a stranger!
Just tell him...be assertive but not rude. "Dear, I am not your slave, but gladly will I do your bidding...BUT..hang a pleasant "please on that"
Second, what at home help do you qualify for? I would think the very first thing is for you to set up caregivers to do some of the assisting several times a week so that you can see friends, get out for exercise, doctors appointments and the like.
Perhaps some sessions with a Therapist or social worker when he first comes home might do YOU some good in maintaining your new resolve.