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He wants to see me but doesn't believe I am his wife. I try to tell him I am his wife but he does not belive it & somes times get very made & refuses my help
That must be so painful. I would likely go along with him and tell him that you are a caring person and that his wife will be back soon. I might then arrange to call him from another room or out of the house. Can someone sit with him while you call from outside the house. He may recognize your voice and if so, you can tell him all you want him to know and that you'll be home soon. You might also write him cards or letters. He might recognize your handwriting and take comfort from that.
My father often refused to believe my mom was his wife because she was "so old".. and he thought I was someone he went to school with.. because he was still young in his mind. It came and went, and painful as it was we tried to roll with it
Wow. That must be so awful for you. I heard a long story on the radio about an actor whose mother-in-law had a lot of delusions. He found that he was able to have a great relationship with her by using rules of improve theater. I am sure that it is easier with someone you are more removed from than your husband (or parent), but basically it involves accepting the world as they are experiencing it and building from there. My MIL is in early stages of Alzheimer's and I try not to contradict her or correct her and not to ask her questions about the recent past, like this morning. Conversations about the past work best if I start with something that prompts a memory rather than ask a question. If you think that trying to "be where he is" check out David Alger's rules of Improve. Good luck.
How very, very hard for you! Dementia robs our loved ones of their precious memories and recognition, and it causes painful heartache for us, too.
I think I would stop trying to convince him that you are his wife. You are a kind, caring person and you'll stay with him until his wife can return. His wife loves him very much and has made this arrangement for his benefit.
You might also try reaching way back into your closet for something he liked you to wear years ago and appearing to him that way. Still don't insist that you are his wife, but give him a chance to spark a memory.
Calling on the phone is a good idea, too. Sometimes if a person with dementia is stuck in the past they can't recognize a person at their current age. (My mom has a hard time having a daughter with gray hair!) But voices stay recognizable and without seeing you he may be able to "recognize" you better.
You've gotten some really good suggestions here. I agree that with people with dementia we can't expect them to live in our world anymore. We have to go into their world and be with them there.
Contradicting someone with dementia can cause agitation for the person as you've discovered. Have you tried to play along with him? Tell him that his wife is running errands (at a meeting, at work, etc.) and she'll be back soon. Be calm and comforting so your husband will hopefully stay calm and feel comforted.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. It must be very painful for you.
My husband hasn't known who I am since his accident thirteen years ago. After twenty years of marriage that was pretty hard for me to handle and I spent a long time mourning the loss and hoping for a miraculous recovery. I can only imagine how much harder it must be for him to wait every day for a "wife" who seldom arrives. Most of time he thinks one of our daughters is his wife, other times he might think I'm his mom or that I'm just a stranger. For the first few years we thought it was the medications/surgeries he was undergoing but we gradually came to realize that it was from the TBI/dementia. I play along with him on it because arguing does no good and if he becomes agitated he can get violent. For my own sanity and physical safety, I had to reach a point of acceptance that the essential parts of the man I married and loved, died the day of that accident. I have and am allowing myself to mourn his passing. The man I am now caring for is not really my husband in the true sense of the word, but I care for him out of honor for the fine man he once was. Our family has had 13yrs to accept what is and make the best of it. Pretending to be whoever he thinks I am that day is what works for us and my kids do the same.
This happened to a friend of mine. If he still likes you, take that as a compliment. Other times he may know you. She kept him home as long as she could.
My experience with patient in NH who had Capgras , he was retired General age 75 that time, end of our shift we have to report all Pt's activities at nurse station after new shift came in.. Almost same time when he saw us as Solders!!! He told us to line up and gave him "ATTENTION", we did "redirect" him with "Jelly Beans" that he loved..... works each time to makes him came down and much better then drugs....
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I like the improv idea too.
I think I would stop trying to convince him that you are his wife. You are a kind, caring person and you'll stay with him until his wife can return. His wife loves him very much and has made this arrangement for his benefit.
You might also try reaching way back into your closet for something he liked you to wear years ago and appearing to him that way. Still don't insist that you are his wife, but give him a chance to spark a memory.
Calling on the phone is a good idea, too. Sometimes if a person with dementia is stuck in the past they can't recognize a person at their current age. (My mom has a hard time having a daughter with gray hair!) But voices stay recognizable and without seeing you he may be able to "recognize" you better.
Contradicting someone with dementia can cause agitation for the person as you've discovered. Have you tried to play along with him? Tell him that his wife is running errands (at a meeting, at work, etc.) and she'll be back soon. Be calm and comforting so your husband will hopefully stay calm and feel comforted.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. It must be very painful for you.
This is a trending topic in the community and we have created an article to help members better understand this situation. Check it out here: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Caring-for-a-Loved-One-with-Capgras-Syndrome-197688.htm
Hope this may help!
The AgingCare.com Team
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