They are concerned that when I become in need they will be called upon to help. They are not so inclined to be available. Recently I have needed surgery that limited me temporarily but have brought to the surface expectations on their part for the future.
Once I am able and independent as before, what arrangements should be made to engage them without requiring their help?
Their philosophy in supporting an aging parent is quite different from mine.
Really does my chunk in that anyone who can't look after an elderly relative is automatically bad.
It is your responsibility to plan for your future, without expecting your daughters to provide your care.
Downsize and declutter, you home.
You need to make sure you are living within walking distance or the services you may need, or be prepared to pay for a ride.
Arrange for delivery services of food, medication etc.
My former mil was resistant to shopping delivery, but I flat out refused to take her shopping after she would tell me 'no I do not need anything', then the next day her neighbour calling me to complain that he had to buy her milk and bread and asking why I was not taking her shopping. I told her either she called her sons or signed up for delivery. It took a while, but she has had grocery delivery for 10 years now and loves it.
If you do not cook, arrange for Meals on Wheels or another food delivery service.
How do you engage with them?
Take them out for dinner or lunch.
Get involved in your grandchildren's activities.
Don't spend the time you are together moaning and complaining about what you can or cannot do.
Let them know what you are doing to make it easier for you and them in the future.
Get your paper work in order, Will, POA, Health Care etc.
Ask them how you can help them out?
And yes, I have my paperwork in order, I live near the resources I will need in the future, I am in the process of decluttering, I will modify my home in 10 years to have a fully accessible suite and a rental unit to provide some income, or living space for line in caregivers.
I do not expect my kids to be my caregivers.
As already suggested, try to make your life easier with services. Independent living facilities that can transition to assisted living may not be the picture you had in mind, but can still provide a very good quality of life if you have the funds.
While having prior maladies in past (back surgeries), I have been totally self-sufficient, not requiring any assistance from them. Indeed, I am financially secure, own my home in SF, and pay in large part for their graduate school, among many other things, which I am glad to do.
It's the sense of disappointment that they do not verbalize an interest or effort. I do not have any unrealistic or unreasonable expectations of them, just a desire and a bit more time with them; not in any way to encroach on their lives.
I suspect a balance of my socializing more (I am an introvert and writer), utilizing the available services if need be, although I will continue to exercise, shop, etc. as before, and redirect my thinking.
Any other thoughts would be appreciated.
Am I unreasonable?
I do not, and will not expect my kids to do a single thing for me. If they actually offer (and they have) to do a specific job, such as running me to the clinic when I know I will be too sleepy to drive home..I will accept, but I don't expect that every single time I sneeze.
I have friends, I know how to get an Uber, I can clean and cook and take care of myself. I have a good neighborhood support system. I DO NOT want my kids (daughters and/or son) seeing my number on their phone and screen me and not answer b/c they are tired of fussing me.
Maybe it's time for you to declutter, downsize and maybe move into a Srs only apartment or assisted living with an apartment and full dining amenities and activities. This way, your daughters will be more likely to step up on the RARE occasion that you'd really need them.
You're young to be needing a lot of help---is this surgery just a one time thing and you'll return to full function? If so (and I hope it is)...treat your daughters as adults and friends and NOT as caregivers. PAY people to do things for you, if possible, before you go to family, b/c it sounds like your daughters are not the kind to quickly step up to help. If they were, they would have after your procedure and you sound like you were flying solo.
BTW, do you have SONS? What would you expect of them?
As a daughter who has been nonstop CG for aging parents for the last 22 years, I wish my mother (esp) would quit treating me like a go-fer. I truly resent her at times. I would like to just be her daughter, not her therapist and problem solver.
I don't mean to come off 'hot', but this is a hot topic with a LOT of us.
Maybe invite them all to a nice dinner in a quiet place. Maybe ur birthday dinner. Tell them you don't expect them to care for you but you do want them to make sure you get the care you need. You don't want to be forgotten. A call every so often would be nice. Being included in special things. See them for birthdays.
I was willing to help my father with things he could not do but I really resented him expecting me to do things he didn’t feel like doing. Another poster mentioned not wanting to answer the phone knowing it would just the their parent fussing about something. That was me.
What exactly were you hoping they did that they didn’t?
sometimes its other family members besides your children that want to take what ever you've got, so watch out for that. with out giving away to much info, in the case of the person that I am staying with, she never gave me power of attorney and now her family is after her stuff and I can't help her in any legeal way and now Iam in a bad situation.
I would advice that you stay as healthy as possible and as I said get a power of attorney, someone you really trust and who has nothing to gain from you being sick. don't let any one put you the dnr list because they might without your consent, tell your doctors, everyone and have it be known that you want ever effort made to be kept alive..
Second, I totally understand the hurt of finding others don't share your expectations of a particular sort of relationship. I've experienced that. It's so painful.
But, I hope you might be able to use the pain as a catalyst to start building on your relationships with your daughters. In small ways, just spending a little time together here and there, no pressure. It's great that you're all in the SF Bay Area -- maybe you could pop over to one to have a brief coffee, maybe meet another at a farmer's market or something, maybe drive over to check out the other's favorite cupcake joint. I don't know, just brainstorming here! But maybe this could be the start of something really positive for you all. I hope so! Good luck!
Has there been a recent "frank exchange of views" with one or more of them that has left you feeling a bit sore?
"They are concerned that when I become in need they will be called upon to help. " and "Their philosophy in supporting an aging parent is quite different from mine."
And then this:
"It's the sense of disappointment that they do not verbalize an interest or effort. I do not have any unrealistic or unreasonable expectations of them, just a desire and a bit more time with them;"
In the former, it seems as if you want some real help from them, yet in the latter you state you just want a "bit more time" with them. A "bit more time" could mean stopping in just to chat.
Do you have any sons? And, like several have already asked, would you be expecting any different from sons?
Even with your further explanations, I am still unclear as to what it is that you want from your daughters. What kind of help? Are they all married with fulltime jobs? Families? How close to you do they live? What are your relationships like with them now?
What does this mean?
Do you really want your daughters to make you their priority? For myself, I want my kids to tend to their own families and lives.
Most of us don't have children to earmark them for caregiving when we become older. We want to watch our children grow into responsible, caring and successful people.
Having a skin cancer removed probably is not a medical event that would be a fair measure of how the girls may respond when really necessary.
My crime was leaving an emotionally and financially abusive spouse, their father. I was made out to be the enemy by their father, with all his sick, false accusations. I cannot change all the lies my sons and birth family were told. I can only take care of my own mental health. They are responsible for their own mental health. Since they like holding onto their ‘mad’, I can only proceed knowing they aren’t going to be there for me. Living and working in different states makes it somewhat easier, in a way, as one can’t really expect one’s offspring to take financial hit after hit, or rush to assist older parents in a different state. A visit and a few chores once in a decade, however, wouldn’t hurt any adult offspring. My example was of frequent visiting and assisting elder relatives, as I was able. The sons learned that at home. They’ve discarded the example.
Selfish, self-centered. Some day their own children will repeat the behaviors the parents, my offspring, have adopted, and quite possibly be too busy for them. We can only make our own arrangements and get on with it.
I'm wondering if perhaps this procedure hit you emotionally, that awful waiting period before the lab results are in, worrying you might have the big C. But if you're like most guys, you appeared calm and unfazed by it to your kids. So they didn't think about you needing some "hey Dad, it's going to be ok" or "call me when the test results come in". Maybe you need to chat with them a little more about getting older and your plan. I groused about needing more help with the big holiday dinners, when all I needed to do it let the kids know I needed to do less. They looked at me and said,"we know you love all the holiday fuss - why didn't you say something to us before?" For me, the more my mom expected and let me know when I fell short, the less I wanted to do for her. With my inlaws, they expected to do for themselves and we would do a little backup - they expect less and we were happy to do more.
It sounds like you just need to tell them you'd love to spend a little more time with them.
I was helping out my parents, who were in their 90's, but not hands-on but logistical. So maybe your daughters can be there for you in that context.
I know for myself, I plan to keep being as independent as possible, and in today's world with the Internet, we have the whole world at the tips of our fingers.
No more roaming the grocery store aisle [b o r i n g], so I order on-line and have the option of curb-side pick-up or home delivery. Same with food delivery, it is more than just pizza whipping through the neighborhood.
Same with shopping, can't remember the last time I had to deal with a changing room in a clothing store. Everything is bought on-line. It takes some trial and error until one finds the right catalog and size.
My work commute is just 3 minutes from home, unless I get caught at the traffic light at my subdivision, then my commute is twice as long :P My boss is in his 80's, a widower, and has a gaggle of grown children, most of whom live in the area. There are family gatherings all the time, he's always going out with grown child, or grown grandchild for dinner. I am wondering if this is what you are really missing?
Later down the road, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I plan to sell my home and move into a 55+ community. I am no social butterfly, neither is my sig other, but it is just the idea of making new friends that one can depend upon.
I hate talking to my mom, everything is a big drama, every little medical thing is a huge drama and everything is about her and her misery. I love her, but seriously, nothing else happens that is worth talking about. My dad never asked how I was doing, ever, it is all about him and his life. I think that being interested in them and their lives, making happy memories instead of a biotch fest would make me want to spend time with them. As it is now I don't usually have the energy to deal with the same thing yet again.
However, when they have had true medical emergencies, I was on the 1st flight out to be by their sides.
If you are financially secure can I recommend that you hire a certified elder law attorney firm that has a fudiciary. You can put all of your care desires in writing, have a disinterested 3rd party assigned to act as your advocate and guarantee that what you want to have happen for yourself when/if you are ever unable to speak for yourself will happen and your girls will not be faced with having to make difficult decisions.
Let them all know that is what you are planning, no surprises and no guilt. It is the best gift we can give our children. Then they have the choice to help or not, but they will be able to just be your daughters and you will have things exactly as you want no matter what they decide.
When you call to schedule coffee be positive and upbeat, meet where it is convenient for them, they are busy and you can spend more time with them if they don't have a long commute.
Best of luck enlarging your relationship with your daughters.
You wrote; (I) “pay in large part for their graduate school, among many other things, which I am glad to do.
It's the sense of disappointment that they do not verbalize an interest or effort (IN ME). I do not have any unrealistic or unreasonable expectations of them, just a desire and a bit more time with them; not in any way to encroach on their lives.
I suspect (I NEED) a balance of my socializing more (“I am an introvert and writer”).
I am in your same boat.....my son (only child) never contacts me. I have to make the first move. I have helped him financially multiple times and would have thought that at least I had earned a phone call-wrong. I suppose it’s my fault for thinking there would be an ongoing relationship. I’ve had to scale back my desires to connect with him because, in the past, he was always “busy”.
It will get a bit more complicated in September, as my first grandchild will appear on the scene. I’ll try to take my cues from them as to how much participation they want me to have in their lives. (They live near SF and I live in Puerto Vallarta, México).
Maybe your daughters pick up on your loner vibe (“introvert and writer”) and they don’t initiate contact. So go out of your comfort zone and invite them out to eat, exercise, coffee, museums, etc. You will need to initiate the activity. See what their response is. If lukewarm or refusal, let it go. You can’t force a relationship. Cultivate relationships in your own age group. That’s who we have the most in common with anyway.
I try to think of all the animals that give birth, rear their young then never see them again. I have had to accept the fact that “our” (son’s and my) relationship isn’t as important to him as it is to me. I am now finding other alternatives, like “adopting” other kids of underprivileged families we know.
This sure isn’t the way I had it planned but you have to go with the flow. Go where you are wanted and needed. There are so many worthwhile charities where you could volunteer your time and be appreciated.
Wish I had an answer for you. Life doesn’t always turn out like we thought it would. Good luck.
Mom is always complaining that she is lonely. However, yesterday for example, she unplugged her phone all day because she knew an old friend was likely to call, and also possibly her brother. He is alone too, but she doesn't want to hear his drama. But she expects me to be her entertainment. She avoids the neighbor lady like the plague, who is a widow. Mom sits in her house all day with the curtains drawn, mostly in silence because she does not like TV.
My advice to you, especially at your age: build your own life. Join a club or other social outlet, find a church or spiritual group, meet neighbors, be active if possible. My husband belongs to two local veterans organizations - within these organizations are many single people in their 70s, 80s and even 90s who treat each other like family. Volunteering in the kitchen, cooking meals to share, playing cards, driving each other to doctors appointments, helping out after surgery, etc. I volunteered at an animal shelter for several years before my work got so busy, and most of the volunteers were retired people who found a lot of satisfaction in knowing they were contributing to life-saving work! Find a purpose, a value in yourself. I promise you, you will become more interesting and appealing to your children. My generation, Gen-X, we will be working much later into life than our parents and their parents. We ain't got time to hand-hold a parent for 10, 20 or 30 years. I want to be my mom's friend (it's not easy) but she is the most isolated, miserable person - I don't even know how to relate to her anymore.
From my personal experience, the only thing I can offer is that you get what you give.
If you were not a supportive, involved, caring and loving parent when your kids were dependent on you, you don't have the right to automatically expect that from them.
Correct me if I am misinterpreting your situation with your daughters, it sounds to me like you are trying now to start new habits that will enable you to spend more time with them. That can be challenging. If you and your daughters are not already in the habit of regularly spending time together as a family - Sunday Dinner, family gatherings, BBQs in your backyard - it will be difficult to ask them to start now.
San Francisco is notoriously expensive!!! If your home is too big for you or not conducive to you aging in place, find out what your home is worth and go see your accountant and financial advisor about planning for **your** future. I'm not suggesting you leave San Francisco if you have the services you want and need within walking distance or a short BART or bus ride away. I'm suggesting you nail down the numbers and figure out what's best for you because your daughters are living their lives and figuring out what's best for them.
Change is not easy. Some people accept change better than others. Coming closer as a family is a process. Perhaps pull out some old family photo albums and host a BBQ. I hope you keep us posted. Good luck!
Set up a time to discuss your desire to plan ahead. Make sure you have POAs, end of life wishes set up, as well as other financial information. Explore other resources for care in your community or across the bay. It may well be that talking openly about the future will bring you and your daughter greater clarity and relief.
Will, Trust....
Have someone you trust, it does not have to be a family member to become your POA for health and for finances. It does not have to be the same person.
Have all your information where it can be obtained easily (passwords, accounts...)
Complete a POLST. (Physicians Order for Life Sustaining Treatment) it is much more detailed than a DNR. Have a cpy on your refrigerator, a copy with you at all times, in your medical records and a copy to your POA for health.
If you have a house you might want to consider selling and moving to a CCRC (continuing care retirement community) if you can afford it. Or a facility that has Independent Living as well as Assisted then Memory Care.
If you intend on staying in your home adapt it now so you can age into it safely.
If you are young enough buy Long Term Care Insurance.
Arrange you Funeral and pre pay it.Write your own obituary if you want, it could be very enlightening.
There is a pamphlet called 5 Wishes that you could fill out or use as a guide when getting things in order.