My dad died 11 years ago, he did everything for her. I then took over & for the first 5 years she lived alone. I took her shopping, paid her bills & did basic stuff for her. She started to decline & my husband & I moved in 5 yrs ago. 3 weeks ago she fell and broke 2 ribs & punctured her lung. She was hospitalized, then went to rehab. She is home now & I have done everything for her. She is so mean to me & treats me like dirt. She wakes me up every 2 hours to go to the bathroom and if it takes me more than three minutes to get her meals ready she calls me back in her room and yells at me. She has mild dementia but its gotten worse. Her doctor said that she would return to normal eventually, but I can't live like this. So little sleep and she is so demanding. I'm thinking of a group home, but I feel guilty putting her away. Anyone with the same or similar experiences who could offer some advice would be appreciated. Also, she keeps going back and forth: she wants to live, she wants to die. She is so angry at me when the home nurse comes, she yelled at the CNA today.
The baseline attitude, for them, is that they expected to be taken care of, for life. Which as we all know is not the same expectation as when their kids were, say, teenagers.
At this point if you can't make the decisions due to not having POA, then she does. But one decision you can and should make is ramping up the fact that she can't stay with you. YES she diapered you when you were a baby. But you didn't exactly request to be born, did you? That you were was hers and only her decision made for all her personal reasons.
But I'll also add *jump* but SAFELY - into a new direction.
Q1 Have Mom's care needs exceeded what you can do yourself?
Yes. You see it & have CNAs & other help arranged. Good!
Q2 Are Mom's care needs exceeding what can be done in the home with this level of help?
If yes. Add more help. Keep adding. (May even be help from Hospice).
Q3 Has Mom's care needs exceeded what can be done in the home with maximum help?
If/when you get to that - she moves into a greater care setting (prob SNH or hospice care).
Think about your statement "I feel guilty putting her away".
Where does that really come from? Is it because you set the bar that you must do everything for her?
I have many elderly relatives that could become sick at any time. Could I look after all of them? I have steps everywhere & an ancient bathroom - no-one could move in with me. I am not willing to leave my own home/partner/job to be a non-paid full-time caregiver. Won't happen. Zero guilt. I will advocate for their care needs instead.
No judgement or right or wrong way. Just choices & pathways.
It may be time to reassess your current situation & choose a new path forward.
Keep updating if it helps you & please seek face to face help as a forum can only do so much.
Second the getting up every two hours to bring her to the bathroom also has to stop. Put commode for her in the bedroom. Tell her that if she is at a point where she cannot use the bedside commode at night on her own, she will have to go into diapers. The other option is a care facility.
If she starts yelling and berating you because the meal isn't immediately before her when she demands it, let her go without. Bring it to her when you are ready to bring it. If there's complaining, yelling, or berating take it away and she gets nothing. If you're planning on keeping her with you, you're going to have to learn two things.
1) How to ignore with love.
When the drama starts up, completely ignore her. Do not speak to her. Do not come when you are called. Do not bring her anything.
When you are good and ready to talk to her then do so. When dealing with demanding, angry, tantrum-throwing seniors respond the same way you would with a child doing the same.
They get a time-out. Elders sometimes need a time-out too.
2) How to establish dominance. It is your house You are an adult and are the person who is doing for her. Things will be done YOUR way, not hers. If she cannot accept this, then start looking for facility placement.
The CNA who comes for her does not have to tolerate abuse either. If you have to place her in a care facility, there should not be guilt over it because you'd be doing it for the right reasons. The elder can't be allowed to dominate the home and the lives of everyone in it. That's when it's time for placement.
A bit much is a gross understatement.
BurntCaregiver is right. Stop putting up with abuse. Old age does give a person a free pass to treat orhers like garbage. Lay down some rules and boundaries for her. Insist she treat you with respect and common decency beginning immediately or you're moving out. Hire some nighttime help so you can sleep and have mother foot the bill. You may be surprised at how fast she cleans up her act. If not, "putting her away" is a harsh way to describe placement in Assisted Living which is more like a nice hotel than The Little Shop of Horrors you seem to think it is. We should all be so lucky to have the funds to afford such a lifestyle in our old age. There should be no guilt whatsoever involved with such a thing.
As far as waffling between wanting to live and die goes, that's just a manipulation technique. My mother "wants to die" and asks for a gun to "shoot herself with" until I tell her I'm asking for a hospice evaluation which sends her into meltdown mode. I don't deserve to hear that kind of talk when I'm busting my butt to help her, and neither do you. So next time she "wants to die", tell her you'll get her a hospice evaluation and see how quickly she changes her tune.
It's time to tell mother to cut the crap now. You deserve peace, respect and gratitude for all you do and if she won't muster it up, you'll be happy to move out.
My mother also starts up with the wanting to die and and using her conditions as leverage to control my life and keep me in servitude to her. I just ignore her when she starts up. Like I've said in some previous post, I became the sole member in the audience for her "performances" since I was six years old. So, I've seen them all. I ignore her when the show starts. It's for attention too like a little kid with a 'boo-boo'. I don't give her any though.
Back when I was a kid if I was hurt or sick, I'd do the opposite and try to hide it from her. My mother would get so angry and resentful and berate me terribly over it. I was the kid who got sent to school sick. The one who treated a fractured ankle with an ace bandage for a summer because mom didn't think I needed a doctor and was faking. It never healed right and would now take two surgeries to repair.
All the world's supply of attention had to be for my mother's hypochondria, and depression, and non-life threatening conditions. She has total meltdowns too when I say I'll call an ambulance while walking away. She wants attention and comfort.
A person can't give what they don't have to give.
Do what you need to do (I suggest you begin with some overnight help so you can get some sleep), but some realistic expectations for her recovery period are in order. My mother was in the hospital for a week, plus five days in rehab for an infected leg wound, and she didn't approach "normal" until a solid three months after she got back to her place. That's just the reality of elderly people and recovery from medical crises -- it happens at a glacial pace.
I found a great neurologist and a light dose of an anti-depressant really helped to calm my dad down.
You mention a group home - know that if she is like this in your home, she isn't going to be better elsewhere. True, they are paid to take care of her, but if she is a real stinker, it can make things challenging for the caregivers. When my 95 yo mother was in an afh, with this similar attitude, I was always fearful that the home was going to say - ah, your mother is a little over demanding - you need to find other accommodations for her. What did happen was that the caregivers did not provide the level of care my mother was demanding/expecting - and the more my mother was negative, the more standoffish the caregivers were.
About the living or dying - for my mother, it was always her 'last Christmas' for the past 18 years. Or her 'last birthday'. She even said to me that if I ever put her in a "hellhole" like assisted living or nursing home, that she would commit suicide....No guilt trip there whatsoever - right? It is a manipulation technique whereby they want you to feel super sorry for them.
Dementia doesn't get better...it gets worse, and you never know which symptoms are going to show up, or become magnified. What you are experiencing now - could actually get far far worse. I have to say I am surprised that she was released to go back home after her fall and with the beginnings of dementia. What if she falls again, and at her age and condition, it isn't a question of if, it is a question of when and how bad.
Have you looked at what is available for her? A few years prior to needing to place my mother in an afh, I went out and looked at the various facilities available - assisted and afh, and selected a few. I realize that they might not have an opening when the time came, but at least I knew what was out there, and what options there were. It was one less stressor when the time actually showed up.
Just starting hearing that kind of talk creep in "won't be here much longer.." I can empathise... maybe it's fear? Maybe it's getting used to the idea of age + death? But when used to manipulate! I want this to happen & since it will probably be my last... woe is me... etc. YUCK!
I will need the clear vision of commonsense - my eyes & ears unclouded by F.O.G to survive.
From previous posts:
"The house is to go to me once she passes and we filed the paperwork with the county already."
I hope the house is worth a lot of money, since this is your compensation for being the 24/7/365 caregiver? Are you her POA? HCPOA? Does she have the finances to pay for a facility without having to sell the house?
"My brother and sister won't have anything to do with her at all, not even a phone call on her birthday or Mother's Day. My mom was never on my side when I was growing up, she always preferred my sister"
Such a common story here that the caregiver ends up being the child the parent didn't like (or like as much). Is it because the least-favored child thinks that by caregiving the parent, that they will finally earn that parent's love/approval?
“Is it because the least-favored child thinks that by caregiving the parent, that they will finally earn that parent's love/approval?”
i don’t think so.
but often the narc parent prefers the narc child (often the golden child is a narc, just like the parent).
the scapegoat often is the sweet, nice one.
the one with a conscience.
when the parent is elderly, the narc child runs away from helping. the scapegoat (sweet/nice) helps.
courage!
i wish us all luck, in our various difficult situations.
save yourself.