My husband and I have been on Team Daddy Bear for close to three years. Dad has Parkinson's and his PD Dementia is progressing rapidly. He has changed significantly in the last 6 months, to the point we really cannot leave him alone. Even with the personal alert necklace. Everyone has noticed how we have changed too. We are so tired all the time. Dad is a real sweetheart, easy going except when the PD Dementia gets going as he becomes fixated or frustrated... etc. I feel he would be happier with the independence of A.L. and making new friends. I just do not know how to start the conversation. UGH I feel sick to my stomach thinking about bringing it up and badly as I do not want him to feel like he is a burden. HELP?
Take him to visit; they usually offer free lunch with tours. Make up any excuse you can to get him to see them.
After the tours....
The conversation is "Dad, we can't do this any more; you need more help than we can give you. You need professional folks around to make sure that nothing bad is happening to you health-wise. We want and need to go back to being your advocates and visitors, not your caregivers."
When he argues....
"I'm sorry dad, living at home with us doing all the helping is no longer an option; you need to be in a professional situation"
When he throws a tantrum...
"Dad, we don't want to walk away from you and let the government take over your care. But if we die while caretaking you, that's exactly what will happen. We're trying to prevent that. "
Tough conversation, I know. I had it with my mom
With my own Dad, he never knew senior living facilities even existed. He heard of nursing homes which he didn't want any part of living there. When Dad toured an Independent Living facility he was greatly surprised. The place had for him a lovely sunny 2 bedroom apartment, large living room, and full size kitchen. Part of the tour included a free lunch. It was the food that impressed Dad and he was ready to sign on the dotted lines. The extra bedroom became his home office.
Down the road Dad needed to move into Memory Care in the same facility. I was tied in knots wondering how to tell him he needs to move into an one room studio apartment. Since Dad liked saving money, I used a "theraputic fib" to tell him that studio apartment would cost less. Told Dad to think of the room as a college dorm, so it became a standing joke with him. Much to my surprise, Dad's main concern was if he was going to have the same chef for his meals. When I said yes, Dad was ready to move as long as he could take all of his books :)
Therefore, you look at the places first, and go by your gut feeling. You will know right away which places would be pleasant for Dad. Some are built like hotels, which I think are the best in the looks department.... other's look too institutionalized, Dad might get great care but you want something pleasant so that Dad can be comfortable at this point in time.
Rather than focusing on bringing up the topic first, as others have suggested check out a few places on your own first. For the ones you like, go back at different times, to get a better idea of what activities are provided, what other residents there are (and what their abilities are) and how the staff interacts with the residents. If possible, do this with little notice, so they don't have time to make everything nicey nice!
Once you find place(s) you like (and he can afford), then schedule a visit for him (like others said, usually they include free lunch for you all with the tour.) Any excuse to get there... even say you are checking it out for yourselves, for the future! Once he can see that it is not like nursing homes of old, he might be more accepting. Then you can discuss that he gets to interface with others in his age group, gets good care and food, and quality time with YOU (and hubby) as you are not spending all your time doing the "chores!"
Depending on how far the dementia is, this may or may not help. Our mom oohed and ahhed during the visit, questioned who will pay for it (little fib that VA would) and seemed to be okay with it, but by the time she got back to her condo she did not even remember the what and where...
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