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When I get enough I yell back. He will not get better and I don’t expect him to live too much longer. I take a big burden off his two adult daughters who work and have small children. Anything I suggest to help him or things I want to do to make my job easier he rejects and calls me a nagging bitch. I’m thinking g of leaving and moving into my house in another state. This decision isn’t easy and will tear me apart. Any suggestions to make my situation tolerable
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I would think you'd be more torn apart staying with your b/f and being so disrespected than leaving him and going back to your own home. Peace and quiet vs. cussing, name calling and yelling while you're doing back breaking caregiving! If, after 3 decades, this man hasn't married you, that says it all.

You may be sad at first but at least you won't be abused anymore or feeling obligated to care for a mean and ugly person who's so ungrateful. Get back to respecting yourself now and taking good care of YOU.

Good luck and Godspeed.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Audramoz, welcome to the forum. We need more information if you can give it, such as what are your boyfriend's medical issues that you've been caring for the past 30 years? Does he have dementia? How old is he? Why I ask as there is a big difference between someone who is 50 compared to 80.

Has he been recently tested for an urinary tract infection (UTI) as such an infection can make someone act very mean. A trip to his primary doctor or Urgent Care, they can perform the simple test, and sometimes have the results while you wait.

Over the years have you spoken with your boyfriend's doctor regarding his medical issues, and has the doctor given any recommendations, or pills to help calm him?
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Reply to freqflyer
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No one deserves to be cussed out and called disrespectful names, most especially when they’re trying to help. He’s not changing after being this way for so long, unless it’s to worsen. You’re not obligated to stay and keep receiving verbal abuse. I hope you’ll decide to leave and seek peace on your own.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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MargaretMcKen Dec 15, 2024
My reservations about this are that couples vary enormously in their language and ‘rules’. I know couples who say f**k in almost every sentence, and I know of grandparents who were so inhibited that grandma always undressed in the dark to avoid showing her naked self. That’s why I suggested that OP should work out the good bits and the bad bits, plus what she can put up with, before upsetting such a long relationship.
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Go home. Life is too short for abuse and misuse. Thirty years is long enough to be enslaved to a situation where you are abused daily. Don't you think you deserve some happiness and peace of mind in your life? This man has eaten up thirty good years of your life.

Please learn to be kind to yourself.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Go. He obviously doesn’t care if you leave. He never cared enough to marry you.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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There is no way to make your situation tolerable other than to leave.
Make preparations to go and then do it.

If you're expecting and hoping he will die and thus make your life easier, forget it. You'd most likely have to move back to your own house then anyway, correct?

Go. Now.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Audramoz Dec 14, 2024
Thank you. I just needed to hear this from someone on the outside. Thank you again this means a lot
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I would definitely leave NOW. You do not deserve to be mistreated.
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Reply to faithfulbeauty
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Leave and then report him to APS.
His daughters aren't obligated to be his solution, either. They can call in APS, too.
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Reply to Geaton777
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He is abusing you because you allow it. Being sick does not give him the right to treat anyone this way. Call the daughters. Tell them you can't do it anymore. They will need to care for him, hire someone or place him. Give them till the first of the year to make other arrangements. Then start treating him like a "gray rock". Look it up. You ignore him, only do what you have to. When he gets abusive you stop what your doing and walk away. You don't talk to him.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Audramoz Dec 17, 2024
Joann you are right in everything g you have said. I am following your advice. I knew this had to be done but sometimes you need to hear it from an outsider
(1)
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Since you aren't married and still have your home in another state, feel lucky you have a place of peace that you can go to, and the freedom to go. Since you said he wasn't like this until he got sick, I understand your hesitation to leave. But I still encourage you to leave his home, and stop being his caregiver. His illness is no reason for you to take abuse. Don't feel guilty or let his daughters guilt you into staying. Your mental health is important.
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Reply to JanPeck123
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