My mother lives in a senior apartment .
It is totally independent living. It is not assisted living.
I am exhausted cooking for her, shopping and returning things sometimes 3 + times for same item because it’s not what she wants, I am very budget conscious but I can’t always find cloths for 10.00!
She is very stubborn and wants what she wants and sometimes it is inappropriate. I get her a new bedspread and she wants it extra big. I say not safe to hang on floor because she could trip. All she does is complain. Today I took her to her 4th doctors appt this month and she said to doctor I don’t have time to take her shopping! She also said it in waiting room. I visit her 3 times week, do her shopping and cooking. I make her home safe and decorate
it for each season. I do her bills and hand sew her pants hems and she announced to doctor I don’t have time for her!
She only lives independently because I take her of all her needs. I take her shopping every other week but it’s too much on me to take her on big shopping trips. Sometimes I am lifting her walker in and out of the car 6 times in a shopping day.
I have a caretaker to help when I am out of town but she refuses to let her come over to help me .
I have a brother who visits once a month for 1-2 hours and it’s a miracle she can cook him dinner but can’t cook for herself. He never takes her on any errands or do any chores except the hug job of opening a jar of pickles for her!
Today I have returned her 4th set of shoe inserts and she wants another kind.
She insisted on a single blanket for her bed and now wants it returned. It’s too heavy and to big! I tried to get her a threw blanket but she refused!
I am so frustrated!
She secretly signed another year’s contract with the apartment company so I won’t move her to assisted living!
She is 88 with only short term memory less and problem solving issues which are normal for her age.
She does keep her apartment clean and my wonderful husband washes her floor.
I feel so used up. I quit my job because I can’t keep up without being totally exhausted. I am 64 years old.
I have cared for my father and my mother in law before they died and I am soo tired of being a caregiver.
I cared for my family in my childhood because of family dysfunction and am so sick of it. My husband and I also help his older sister who is not well.
Thank you for reading my complaint.
Everyone tells me I should be thankful she is still with me. I sure don’t feel thankful and feel guilt about it.
I will keep trying my best.
Stop doing what you are doing for her.
Step back.
If she refuses the help then she can do without.
Yes she will complain.
IT might take you backing off for her (and you) to truly realize that she NEEDS Assisted Living.
She will (actually has) made your life difficult but if you give in she will continue until you or she drops. (wanna bet who will drop first?)
When a child has a temper tantrum in the store because mom won't buy a toy or candy bar you either give in thus rewarding the temper tantrum and that will continue. Not giving in the child learns that temper tantrums do not work.
Let your mom throw a temper tantrum, don't give in, she will learn.
Within reason you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. It might take a bit longer but they learn.
Just read your profile. (I really have to start with that first)
Anyway. If you and your husband want to move MOVE.
Without you propping her up she may more willingly move to AL.
While you did not go into detail about your SIL if she is cared for and does not "need" you then make the move you want to to be close to your son.
You can revisit the decision when either your mom or SIL truly need you to be close by. And at that point I would encourage you to move the one that needs care close to where you and your husband want to be.
Step back.
My grandmother was so proud of being independent and living in her own house, but she finally got tired of paying the gardener, paying the housekeeper, paying the handyman, doing the grocery shopping, all the cooking, etc. etc. etc.
Except she didn't do those things for the last two years she lived at home. She was never there alone, and while she did do all the check writing (she was a former bookkeeper and it was her forte), she had "company" in the form of her nieces, a family friend, or me staying with her every day for two solid years. Finally the load was too much for the nieces, and I lived 300 miles away, so she agreed to move in with the nieces and live exactly as she had been except for it being in their house, not hers.
Then stick to it.
You have "Doormat" tattooed on your forehead, but you aren't required to keep it there. As the old saying goes, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.
What do you think will happen if you show up only once a week? Why not find out? She'll either adjust her expectations or she'll get someone else in there to do her bidding when you aren't.
Get a backbone and take care of you for once.
You need to stop today doing all the things you are currently doing for her, and start doing what your brother does and that's come once a month to visit her for an hour or two. Your brother is the smart one here. He knows better than to let your mom use and abuse him. You can learn from him, as until you do, mom will continue to use you and live in denial that she needs to be living elsewhere, where she will be looked after more.
Your only priority at this point in your life should be yourself, your husband, and any children or grandchildren you may have, so let mom know that you will no longer be her whipping post, and that she will now have to figure things out for herself.
It’s hard, saying no. It causes loud responses, but though sh!t. My MIL wants what she want right away, and doesn’t want to wait. Well, too bad! I’m busy with two small children, my own ill father with a stroke, my helpless mother, and meanwhile, someone has to run a household. My MIL still thinks she should come first, but I just can’t. I’m only one person.
You need to start saying something other than “Yes, Mom.” It’s, “That’s too bad.”
Don’t like the bedspread mom? “Aw, I’m sorry. That’s too bad.” You never take me shopping! “Aw, I’m sorry Mom. I try my best.”
Stop offering alternatives that bleed you dry, and start taking control of your caregiving. Empower yourself.
Liz
I would immediately stop this ridiculous demands of more and more shopping. What a waste of your time. And annoying too!
Too bad for her if she doesn't want the hired help. You don't want to be her slave. She needs to allow help or she will suffer the loss of you doing her constant bidding any longer.
Rant over.
Your are enabling your mother to pretend she is 'independent' when she is relying on you & your husband for EVERYTHING! She's is not independent at all but 100% dependent and then complaining about all you're doing for her! Sounds like MY mother before she got very old and developed advanced dementia.
Speaking of which, normal aging doesn't mean a person loses her short term memory and problem solving skills. SOME memory loss happens with age; that's it. If your mother hasn't been tested for dementia, she should be.
My mother was The Queen of buying everything that wasn't nailed down & then bringing it back to the store. It was a game and a hobby for her. Until she moved here to Colorado where I live (the only child) and started that little game with ME. And I said No Way Mother, Not Happening. You buy something, you keep it or YOU figure out how to get it back to the store b/c I am not bringing it back for you or driving you back to said store to return it. You'd be amazed at how quickly that little hobby came to a screeching halt! She'd walk across the busy intersection to the grocery store sometimes, however, and buy things and then bring them back herself. Or, she'd buy Oil of Olay and call the COMPANY to say the cream was a bit 'off' or some other lie, so the company would give her a coupon for free Oil of Olay. At which point she'd walk across the busy intersection again to get her free jar of Oil of Olay she swindled out of the company! True story. That was when she was younger and slicker though; now she's almost 95 and living in Memory Care Assisted Living and doing nothing of the sort anymore.
Put your foot down. Hard. Lay down the law and then stick to it. You are not her gopher or her whipping post anymore. Who cares if she signed a lease? If need be, she can move to AL and BREAK the lease and PAY the fees associated with it! Nothing is impossible mother, so don't think it is! Your DH should stop washing her floor, for petesake, and mother should hire a cleaning service! Make an agreement that you will take her shopping once a week or once a month or whatever, and then stick to it like glue. No more returns will be tolerated. She keeps what she buys so think carefully before buying things in the future, mother!
It's not your job to keep trying your best. It's your job to lay down some boundaries for your mother and it's HER job to do HER best to be thankful she has YOU in HER life! A little gratitude from these women goes a long way, you know! God forbid they should be happy with ANYTHING in their life, though, that is too much to ask! UGH.
Wishing you the best of luck developing some new rules and then enforcing them! Respect is a two way street. Once you start demanding some from your mother, you may be surprised that you'll start getting some!
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know firsthand how physically and mentally exhausting it is, even though you love her. Please take care of yourself. You're a good daughter, and taking care of yourself - even with her complaints - will not change that.
But first, like Dorothy in Oz, there may be tigers & bears. You won't need to kill a witch with a house... but definately fake truths to be revealed..
To be cont...
It is totally independent living. It is not assisted living'.
Ok. 3 facts there. The sum of = Mom is still independent. Or does it?
Mum's is fully independant. This is fake truth #1.
You can already see this, right?
Since you have great difficulty saying a simple NO you might need to schedule something?!
Something like….A move across the country? A full face lift? A house remodel? Switch your right leg to where your left leg used to be? It doesn’t really matter. But it has to be something that STOPS “YOU” IN YOUR TRACKS. YOU more so than her..Your mother is like the person locked in the booth where the dollars are flying all about and she is grabbing as many as she can and stuffing them in her bra. That usually lasts 30 seconds max. But in your mothers situation the freebies have been flying all about to the extent that she thinks they are as natural as the air we breathe. You must pull the plug. It is up to you. Your mother will never say ENOUGH! It is up to you.
How about realizing that your wonderful husband doesn’t deserve to be washing your mothers floors so she can save her money for WHAT?
I’m sorry because I know you didn’t mean to make him her “creature” because he loves you but please see that you are degrading your own self and your dear husband by continuing this ….WHAT? What are you doing here?
As for others feeling you should be thankful, stop talking about her. Stop. Simply stop. They only know what you are telling them.
How is your mom?
She is difficult. She is running/ruining my life. She is saving her money for her old age after she has killed me and my husband instead of taking care of herself.
Maybe you won’t say those things but please stop spreading the good news (if you are) that mom is wonderful. An abuser should not be praised just because they are alive to abuse more.
And one more thing. Your mother is an abuser because you are allowing it. some people…maybe most people…are not able to resist temptation. You can simply stop offering you and your husband up as free to abuse.
She may only be exhibiting this unflattering side of her personality because she has somehow been led to believe it is okay? She needs you to have firm boundaries or you won’t be able to oversee her care for the long term which is much more important than washing her floors or returning her shopping. I know it’s hard but it is necessary.
My father ran me ragged when he first started to decline. This was new to me and I wanted to help. After a year of nearly weekly trips to the ER ** FOR NOTHING** I finally put my foot down hard. There will be alot of push back but you just push back harder. Decide what you are willing to do and only do that.
The word 'acopia' is often used to describe a patient's inability to cope with activities of daily living.
It's not a real word but often used to describe elders struggling with many diseases & conditions of old age that keep presenting to Doctors & ER.
No cure, but anxiety meds & moving to AL/NH for company often becomes necessary.
It's a hard stage for everyone!!!
She won't agree, she won't be happy, she will pout, tantrum and trash talk you to the world.
Just be prepared to stand firm. Read the book "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud for guidance and support.
I am now weary, exhausted, frustrated, resentful (towards a sister who has decided she can't help much), guilty, angry ...you name it, I have felt it.
I have also shopped for my mother only to return it all. She is a catalog junkie. There are clothes and shoes in her closet that she has never worn. I have refused to take her shoe shopping any more after having to return most of the shoes or look at them in the bottom of her closet never to be worn.
Gently but firmly putting my foot down has saved me from going stark raving mad. Find a way not to let her suck you into her problems. It's like dealing with a child who creates little problems and wants the parent to rush in and solve everything. As long as she knows you're there to fix everything, she will continue. I've learned it's ok to say, "no."
Caregiving is a difficult road. It can feel lonely and thankless. But our loved ones won't be with us forever. I know for me, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror when mom is gone and know that I did my best to give her a comfortable life in her final days.
God Bless you - He sees you.
They also had scheduled shopping trips; one day grocery shopping, one day to thr mall, one day to Walmart, etc.
Her IL also had a dining room where she could have two meals a day.
I don't know if your mom's facility has those services, but if they do, mom can avail herself of them, and relieve you of all the unnecessary chores.
The hardest step to take is the first one. Just say No the first time. And it will get easier.
Hugs
Second doing a lot of clothes shopping, housewares, etc, the thrift store is your friend (it can be more fun then going to a regular store). She can take advantage of senior transportation in her area to take her places or just get out of the house for awhile. Many drivers will help with any aids she has getting into the van. If there is public transit, that's another idea. There are many seniors that ride the bus when they want to get out for a while.
Good luck to you.
No Mum, I will not do this or that.
Stop going to her house, stop preparing her meals. You know she is capable of cooking, so just stop doing it for her.
If she flounders so be it, let her flounder, let her go into assisted living.
It is not your job to cater to her every whim.
Everyone said, isn't it amazing that at 93 ( when she moved there, is 99 now) that she can live on her own?! HA!!
I used to hate the weekends as Saturday meant I would spend my day shopping, laundry, light housekeeping and bringing her meals she could heat up during the week. She hated the meals on wheels and I don't blame her, some were pretty crappy but she still had the ability to fix small meals for herself. She just didn't like to. I ran myself ragged, errands, at least 3 or 4 doctor appointments a month, struggling with her walker in and out of my car or sometimes the transport wheelchair. She lived on the opposite end of town from me. My car racked up so many miles during that time.
Family members frequently reminded me of how lucky I was to still have her and how what a privilege it was to take care of her. I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was a monster for feeling so much resentment and exhaustion. It took a toll on my work life, personal life and marriage. I gave up all fun things I used like yoga and gardening as I was just too tired. My husband tried to help but he had health issues of his own and we grew apart.
I wish I had access to this forum in the beginning. But finally in 2019- she had her BIg Fall. Hospital, then skilled care, and they, bless them at the skilled place- convinced her to go to AL.
I do feel I have my life back to a certain extent now and I have learned to say no more frequently and limit my visits. And not listen to people ( family, her friends) that know what I should be doing and how I should feel about it.
My MIL was the same, and put my SIL through a similar hell. When my SIL finally did set some boundaries with her my MIL got back at her by putting in her stupid Christmas letter "even though I live in the same town as my daughter S. just a few miles away, I rarely see her as she is so busy". We ended up laughing at the pettiness of it but it really hurt her at the time.
Glad you are here, you will find much help, hope, support and others that totally get it.
I felt every word you wrote. Oh the walker in the car, the transport wheelchair.. one week there was doctor, dentist, podiatrist, physio 😣
So so many people need to read this at the start of that slippery slope...
But I don't regret it now. I think I had to get to the bottom to learn how to climb back up.
Well wishes to you 🤗
So many of us have had this experience and it is most often the daughter! Like your brother, my brother was everything and I was just the carer. It is incredibly irritating to watch your parent fawn over the sibling who is absent most of the time.
I suspect you know the answer. You can't change your mother but you can alter you. It will take time and you may need a councellor to help you get yourself into a position that gives you the self respect you deserve. Then the practical issues of getting someone else to do your mother's bidding, will fall into place and you might be surprised how pragmatic and adaptable she can be when you stop being her doormat! Don't hang around waiting to be apreciated, in my experience it doesn't happen and the self centredness will probably get worse. Good luck. Have a think - what are you prepared to do and what would you rather not do?
In my opinion, you are enabling your mother to let her walk all over you. I would set some clear guidelines on your limits of what you can and cannot do and then stick to them. An example is with the bedspread. If she doesn’t like your taste, then explain you probably should not be the ones picking out her items since it’s clear it makes her unhappy.
I would not have quit my job as that was a green light to your mother that she can use you however she wants. Go back to work if you want and be firm with your mother of what you can and cannot do. Enlist your brother’s help to handle some of the tasks you were doing. If he cannot do them, your mom will have to hire help to get them done. Best of luck!
I have learned to be very organized about doing tasks for my mom. When I am at her home, I have a list of what I will do (only a few things per visit) and I do them while I am there and leave. I multi task on every visit and take advantage of getting a few things accomplished while I am there. I limit the trips per week as well and if it doesn't get done on one trip, it can wait for another time. It honestly helps. It's not a perfect system, but it does lessen the load.