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Mom gets very upset with me when I try to suggest taking a bath or washing her face. When she hurts herself or scratches herself she gets upset when I try to help with the wound. How do I navigate issues like this?
To be honest, moving from being the "darling daughter" to the "caregiver" is not a good move. The one you are caring for is confused and not in control of her actions which will be unpredictable on a daily basis. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that and you will be the one she blames. She is losing everything including her mind; she will be angry at you for any guidance or direction. That comes with the role of caregiver.
I suggest with all my heart that you "try this out " with family leave time. I think you will find after one month that decade of this and the certainty that it will daily worsen in a downward trajectory may not be for you. Moreover you are losing valuable time in saving for your own aging care needs.
When our elders "get here", and indeed when WE get here, it is time for several shifts of several workers each, well trained workers with days off and vacation and sick leave days. It is not the time for a daughter to become a caregiver, because caregivers are always the ones "to blame" and very seldom thanked for their selfless caring.
Think very carefully here about everything involved. And then "live it" for a month or two. THEN decide. Meanwhile watch all the Teepa Snow videos out there on the internet. They are free and will give you a lot of insight into the mind of dementia.
My mother was hateful towards me and sweet as pie with "her girls" at the Memory Care Assisted Living facility she lived at. Why put yourself thru such a thing and also lose your Social Security earning quarters? For the entire length of my mother's dementia, she remained hateful towards me and said some of the most horrible things imaginable. Had I tried to care for her personally, I probably would've died first. She lived to 95. There's no dealing with some elders afflicted with dementia, no matter WHAT you do. I think it's a great idea to give it a trial run using FMLA before you decide to do this caregiving gig fulltime, having no idea what it's all about. You need nerves of steel, the patience of Job and the stomach of a coyote to bear the stench of the blowouts. And that's just the beginning.
Please read through this forum, especially about those who have quit their jobs and are their parent's hands on caregiver. I think you will find, just about univerally, that they regret that decision.
Most often demented senora will cooperate better with non family members.
Please reconsider what is best for you and best for her. You need resources e.g. SS abd savings for your old age. She needs someone trained in the skills needed to care for her who isn't on 24/7. As a family member you will be on 24/7 and whatever issues your mom has now will get worse. Caregivers health typically gets worse too from the overwork, stress and lack of sleep. Up tp 40% of caregivers die before those they are caring for.
We don't know how old your mother is or how old you are, but she may live a long time. My mother lived to 106. I was over 80 before it ended and though I was a distance caregiver it was still very stressful. Please rethink this decision.in light of the answers you get here.
Wishing you the best. We know it is a difficult time.
There may be meds that will enable your mom to be less combative. I would discuss with her doctor.
When my dad had dementia (and taking seroquel and Trazodone), my mom was his caretaker and she was constantly on the point of having a nervous breakdown herself, even though I was supporting both of them as much as I reasonably could. She contemplated suicide more than once. Contemplated abandoning him and darker, violent things too, and this is after 50+ years of marriage. (She never did any of that.) And that’s with her ignoring his refusal to bathe, brush his teeth, comb or cut his hair or shave, wash his hands, change his clothes, etc. Later, once he was in home hospice, the hospice nurse had some very limited success with getting him to cooperate with a little of that.
There is no way I would take a demented relative into my home or move into their home to be a full-time caregiver. Personally, even one night would be tough. And there is definitely no way I would quit my job to care for a parent or older relative, with or without dementia. Period.
Please reconsider quitting your job. This is putting you in financial, physical, and emotional jeopardy. Since your main concern is self-care habits, you may not be realizing what you’re about to take on.
There is a reason people are telling you to not do this. Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do it themselves too. Now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically) and wish someone had warned them. Consider the following:
-Whatever schedule you have now will be out the window.
-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need help, but almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you need time out.
-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? She cannot be left alone.
-Can you lift her multiple times a day and night?
-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs?
-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?
-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed? Multiple times a day/night?
-You will have to lock down your home to prevent possible wandering. Extra locks and possibly an alarm system to wake you if she leaves the house in the middle of the night.
-Are you able to help with bathing daily?
- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work/chores the next day? Same goes for working from home.
- If you get sick or injured, what plan do you have for her care?
- You'll very likely need aides. Are you okay with strangers in the house?
- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her into a facility?
- How do you plan to get back in the job market later on?
I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Nor is it the same as caring for a baby. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
Words that my mother’s geriatrician said to ME ,…when I was at the end of my rope.
‘ Your mother will not allow you to tell her what to do . In her eyes you are her daughter , a child . It often comes a time when a parent with dementia can not live with or be cared for by family . Your mother needs to live in assisted living , and you need to go back to your marriage and family life . I am more worried about you than your mother ‘.
This was after over a decade of propping up my parents , going to their house everyday because my parents would not allow strangers in the home , not even for housecleaning . I had cut down to working only part time , resulting in only my husband contributing for our retirement savings during that time . I regret it now.
Exactly right. Once dementia shows up the person with it cannot be calling the shots anymore. As we all know dementia cannot be reasoned with. The whole won't "allow" outside help does not fly with me. It's either hired help or LTC.
I give you credit for propping your parents up for ten years. I would not do that.
Are you fully vested in a retirement plan? If you get sick or hospitalized do you have someone to fill-in for you with your mom?
Don't take any risk or gamble that jeopardizes your future. NOT ONE THING! If you are counting on taking over you mom's home or assets make sure you have it in stone and even then you may suffer a rude awakening.
Regarding Good Self-Care. There is no "Self-Care" with someone with dementia. And you need more than advice on how to keep on top of keeping her clean. That comes with experience mostly. You'll find what works for you mom, once, and it'll change every time.
What worked for a while for me was to agree that bathing, or care, was certainly a big idiotic practice, and as soon as we were done, I was going to write a complaint to congress, so let's get this done quickly so that I could write that letter. Agreement seems to be a helpful.
I hope you haven't quit yet, but ideally, in your former and recently quit job, you were a CNA. Not many of us had that preparation. If not, you are literally going to suffer a crash course. The stuff is going to hit the fan (several times daily) and you will be on the wrong side of the fan.
Bathing or wound tending is a giant bear of a hurdle for folks with dementia. It makes absolutely no sense to them, and never will. You will be stuck in a ever worsening version of your own personal Groundhog Day movie.
If you possibly can, you're better off supervising and orchestrating her care.
You navigate care issues like what you're saying by hiring paid in-home caregivers or putting your mother into a residential care facility. Don't quit your job to become a caregiver to your mother with dementia. You will regret it.
I don't mean to sound harsh because I'm sure you have your mother's best interests at heart. I am speaking from 25 years of experience as a homecare worker and now as a homecare business. Many times a family member is doing the care it will trigger agitation and stubbornness in a demented senior. I have seen this many, many times. Some senior would be perfectly fine with me showering them, changing their diaper, getting them dressed, etc... but when their adult daughter, DIL, granddaughter (it's almost always a female who is in this role), or spouse they become difficult and often impossible to care for.
Don't take this on. If she's already getting upset when you try to help and you're not with her 24/7 like you will be after you quit your job, DON'T DO IT! Hire outside homecare help.
I too quit my job to take care of my mom. I saw some advise no don’t do it, that doesn’t sound like the answer you’re looking for. What has helped me with the challenges(before she qualified for a CNA to come assist and be put on a waiting list for a facility) 1. Try not to take her behavior personal, none of us have any idea what her brain is allowing her to interpret when you’re trying to help her. 2. My mom loved music and for a while that helped with getting her to let’s say get in the shower. 3. The water temperature had to be really warm( not cold then warm, so starting the shower before she got in), 4. I had to place a heater in the bathroom and close the door and reassure her I was helping her smell pretty and 5.say sorry countless times over and over again. I will not say this helped every time. Towards the end (she’s now bedridden so no more showers or strength to fight, mostly sleeps) I even used to cover my face with a mask and hair with a hat and put on an accent to get her to cooperate. No idea why this worked but it did. Imagine having no control over what your brain is telling you what’s happening to you or losing your ability to comprehend things you feel like you should know. I do wish you good luck, this wasn’t an easy journey at all and now that we are in the later stages, I’d be ok with her showing me just a little bit of strength, even if it’s saying don’t touch me. God bless you
Use simple voice commands in a deep voice. (Don't talk endlessly.)
Give a lot of positive affirmations. "We will brush your teeth now." After brushing, "Good Job A____." "Time to put on your shoes. Good Job A___."
Warm bathroom.
Convert to red: red toothbrush, red bath towels, red wash cloths, red bath mats, red toilet seat, we put red vinyl lobsters in the tub, red plates, red cups, red placemats, red handles on forks and spoons.
The brain in alzheimer's patients is able to interpret and "see" red items. Alzheimer's patients can't "see" water and don't understand water. White is a difficult color for alzheimer's patients. They don't see it. Mom would not walk into the bathroom until I used red bath mats.
Also, don't suggest a bath or face washing. Use clear concise commands. "Time to wash your face then we get breakfast." Hand her a warm wet washcloth and hopefully she can still wipe her face.
Mom also would scratch herself in one place. Her caregivers used various techniques. Several would look at her wound after they rubbed lotion on her arms/shoulders etc. She liked the lotion rubs and it kind of relaxed her enough that they could put neosporin on the wound and cover with a band aid.
If she is not receptive to wound care do a retry in an hour or two. Don't get in a battle.
Sometimes you can use diversions. Get her hands occupied holding a fluffy towel. "I need your help to hold this. Great job." "I'm putting a bandaid on now." "Good job."
Kiana, we also had to modify Mom's bathing techniques to her level of dementia. For years Mom got in the bathtub with a caregiver helping her. When she would no longer get in the bathtub I bought a walk in tub and we used that for several years. When she refused to go in the walk in tub we put a shower chair in Dad's shower and bathed her there. We only did this for about 8 weeks as it was not a good ergonomic setup for the caregiver. The we moved to shower chair set on floor in Mom's bathroom and we used a hand hose to bath her (spray hose from bath tub.) The problem was there was no drain so we would have towels on the floor and have to wash and dry them the floor towels after. We did this for several years. When Mom was not walking well one of the CNA's suggested a shower wheel chair. I bought this on Amazon. Mom got out of bed and wheeled into bathroom in shower wheel chair. We used the hand spray wand from tub with towels on floor. We probably did this for about 9 months. Then Mom moved to bed baths in bed only.
Bathing techniques changed as the disease progressed.
Do not quit your job. Good paying jobs are hard to come by these days especially with all that is happening in the US.
From the sounds of it, mom is needing medical intervention such as placement in Memory Care. You can get an in home aide who is trained in handling clients with dementia. Any aide won't do. Some aides are better at certain jobs than others. You don't want someone who is fresh out of school with little to no experience. This can work for awhile until you get your mom into placement.
Do not quit your job. Educate yourself about dementia (like reading a book https://www.amazon.com/36-Hour-Day-Alzheimer-Disease-Dementias/dp/1455521159 or watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube). Read the volumes of posts in the Burnout category (Resources > Caregiving Topics > Burnout) from loving, well-meaning adult children who quit their jobs but are now completely drained mentally, emotionally, physically and financially and have painted themselves into a corner. Know your Mom's options financially and medically: Medicare does not pay for facility care; Medicaid pays the medical portion of LTC and her SS income pays for the custodial if she qualifies; hospice is covered by Medicare; etc. Know resources: your local Area Agency on Aging, social services/APS. You should not attempt hands-on in-home care without being your Mom's durable PoA for financial and medical. Have your eyes fully open so that you don't romanticize caring for your Mom in-home. Once you're in it, you may not be able to get out of it easily. I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey with your Mom.
Please take the wisdom of strangers on the internet and do not quit your job to become a caregiver. You will ruin yourself. Though you mean well, I'm telling you that you cannot do this. I was almost harassed by family members to become my aunt's caregiver. They did not want to place her in a facility where she belongs, nor did they want to get a caregiver in for help. They thought I should do it. Within a week and some weekends, I saw how challenging it was. The tantrums, the screams and crying, the arguing with you when you are trying to help and this will go on for HOURS AND HOURS! Endless laundry EVERY DAY. Falls, and you cannot lift them. Constant changing of Depends. Cleaning feces/urine off of the floor and anywhere else. Waking you up at all hours of the night for no reason or purpose. Refusing to be cleaned or showered. I had my aunt's house professionally cleaned from top to bottom. Inside and outside and they did a fantastic job. The next day, she spilled turmeric tea on the floor from falling asleep with it in her hand and refusing to place it on the table when I asked. The next couple of days afterwards, her Depend was loaded and the mess fell all over the freshly, newly cleaned carpet when I took it off of her. You will have to have her house professionally cleaned quite often because of constant accidents. I found myself in her guest bathroom screaming my head off from exhaustion and realizing I was in over my head. Don't do this. I beg you. I know it's your mom, but you'll probably regret it and ruin your life.
You’re going to regret it. You can take some time off to interview and get a care plan of different aides with nursing home experience. Who know how to change diapers, use lift machines. Get references from other families who employed them. Get 5 years bank statements available for the look back for a future nursing home application. Get POA and health proxy if you don’t have them already.
Please rethink this. Do not quit your job because you will soon find out that you will not be able to provide the care she needs. Never jeopardize your future for someone else.
DO NOT quit your job!!!!!! I am speaking from EXPERIENCE. PLEASE DO NOT quit your job!!! I am speaking from EXPERIENCE. Place your mother in a nice memory care unit. Then you can be her advocate. If you continue with your plan you will be drained mentally, physically and emotionally. I thought it could be done. In home care is also very difficult. I now understand why there is assisted living and memory care units. I now understand why there are nursing homes. I use to judge people who placed their love one in these places. NOT ANYMORE I UNDERSTAND. PLEASE PLEASE do not quit your job. You will not think about your mother the same way. She will not listen to you and you will be hated by her. Not her fault , It’s dementia’s fault. The disease from HELL. Listen to all these people we speak from EXPERIENCE. I have been where you are. Think rationally not emotionally. I know you love your mother. Let others take care of her and you can be her daughter, friend advocate and also take care of yourself.
The blunt truth: You cannot navigate these issues alone.
She has dementia and will only get worse. "Very upset" can go to "combative" in a millisecond even in the formerly most mild-mannered dementia patients. My truly brilliant husband's self-care went by the wayside when: (1) He thought he was showering but hadn't, and this went on for days because all he could remember was he was supposed to get in and turn on the water, but he couldn't figure out how, and then he forgot why he was in there and got out, still dry. Cleanliness was not in his mind; (2) he refused to shampoo because he'd never seen shampoo before (!), wouldn't let me put it on his head, had no idea what shampoo did and balled up his fists at me in defense at the sight of the horrid green shampoo bottle; (3) hid used toilet paper around the house including under his pillow and didn't know how it got there or what it was; (4) Pooped in the toilet and took the poop out because he didn't think it was supposed to be there, and ran outside to get away from it after leaving it on the floor. And more. This is the condensed version.
These and the like are what you are facing. Every. Single. Day. And. Night. Until. Mom. Dies. They are why facility placement is often the only solution. Or hired caregivers, but that's a whole 'nother difficult problem of management and money, and it's not necessarily the best for us or our loved ones.
We are not, in these enlightened modern times, supposed to refer to dementia sufferers as "quite mad" or "lost her mind," but in fact they ARE mad and HAVE lost their minds, and they can gravely hurt themselves and us.
Don't quit your job. That is the worst thing you could do and will kick off a batch of troubles that I haven't (bluntly) divulged yet.
This is but the tip of the iceberg. The troubles you are having now will become more difficult not easier. Sure she may get over 1 thing that upsets her but another will take it's place. I always said that when 1 problems seemed to disappear another rose to take it's place. Do know that by quitting your job you are going to lose YEARS of your credits toward YOUR real retirement. Unless mom is going to pay you as caregiver and properly do all the paper work so that you are "employed". Unless you have a contract and mom will pay you do not plan on getting paid. And do not plan on getting paid when she dies. Unless it is in writing a promise means nothing. Also plan on being her caregiver for 5, 10, 20 years. Are you really ready for that? Of course the years are speculation as no one knows what the future holds. And what are your "lines in the sand"....What will you not do, what can't you do?? Figure that out now. And do you have POA? Are you legally able to make decisions for her? If not please get yourself to an Elder Care Attorney to get all the legal ducks in a row. If mom is still somewhat cognizant the lawyer may allow her to sign documents but if not and you may have to obtain Guardianship.
I hope you have thought this through.
Baths or showers are not needed daily. Make sure she is cleaned after toileting. You will have to monitor her and help her. Bed baths are fine when a bath or shower is not possible. Shower bench or chair will make her feel more comfortable and secure.
for wound care if she is getting medication for anxiety pre medicate her to calm her before wound care. She may be reacting to pain.
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I suggest with all my heart that you "try this out " with family leave time. I think you will find after one month that decade of this and the certainty that it will daily worsen in a downward trajectory may not be for you. Moreover you are losing valuable time in saving for your own aging care needs.
When our elders "get here", and indeed when WE get here, it is time for several shifts of several workers each, well trained workers with days off and vacation and sick leave days. It is not the time for a daughter to become a caregiver, because caregivers are always the ones "to blame" and very seldom thanked for their selfless caring.
Think very carefully here about everything involved. And then "live it" for a month or two. THEN decide. Meanwhile watch all the Teepa Snow videos out there on the internet. They are free and will give you a lot of insight into the mind of dementia.
Why do you think it's a good idea to quit your job?
Why do you think you are the best person to care for mom if she gets agitated when you try to do needed tasks?
These are separate questions and should both be thought through before you take an irrevocable action.
Most often demented senora will cooperate better with non family members.
Please reconsider what is best for you and best for her. You need resources e.g. SS abd savings for your old age. She needs someone trained in the skills needed to care for her who isn't on 24/7. As a family member you will be on 24/7 and whatever issues your mom has now will get worse. Caregivers health typically gets worse too from the overwork, stress and lack of sleep. Up tp 40% of caregivers die before those they are caring for.
We don't know how old your mother is or how old you are, but she may live a long time. My mother lived to 106. I was over 80 before it ended and though I was a distance caregiver it was still very stressful. Please rethink this decision.in light of the answers you get here.
Wishing you the best. We know it is a difficult time.
When my dad had dementia (and taking seroquel and Trazodone), my mom was his caretaker and she was constantly on the point of having a nervous breakdown herself, even though I was supporting both of them as much as I reasonably could. She contemplated suicide more than once. Contemplated abandoning him and darker, violent things too, and this is after 50+ years of marriage. (She never did any of that.) And that’s with her ignoring his refusal to bathe, brush his teeth, comb or cut his hair or shave, wash his hands, change his clothes, etc. Later, once he was in home hospice, the hospice nurse had some very limited success with getting him to cooperate with a little of that.
There is no way I would take a demented relative into my home or move into their home to be a full-time caregiver. Personally, even one night would be tough. And there is definitely no way I would quit my job to care for a parent or older relative, with or without dementia. Period.
good luck.
There is a reason people are telling you to not do this. Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do it themselves too. Now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically) and wish someone had warned them. Consider the following:
-Whatever schedule you have now will be out the window.
-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need help, but almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you need time out.
-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? She cannot be left alone.
-Can you lift her multiple times a day and night?
-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs?
-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?
-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed? Multiple times a day/night?
-You will have to lock down your home to prevent possible wandering. Extra locks and possibly an alarm system to wake you if she leaves the house in the middle of the night.
-Are you able to help with bathing daily?
- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work/chores the next day? Same goes for working from home.
- If you get sick or injured, what plan do you have for her care?
- You'll very likely need aides. Are you okay with strangers in the house?
- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her into a facility?
- How do you plan to get back in the job market later on?
I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Nor is it the same as caring for a baby. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
‘ Your mother will not allow you to tell her what to do . In her eyes you are her daughter , a child . It often comes a time when a parent with dementia can not live with or be cared for by family . Your mother needs to live in assisted living , and you need to go back to your marriage and family life . I am more worried about you than your mother ‘.
This was after over a decade of propping up my parents , going to their house everyday because my parents would not allow strangers in the home , not even for housecleaning . I had cut down to working only part time , resulting in only my husband contributing for our retirement savings during that time . I regret it now.
Exactly right. Once dementia shows up the person with it cannot be calling the shots anymore. As we all know dementia cannot be reasoned with. The whole won't "allow" outside help does not fly with me. It's either hired help or LTC.
I give you credit for propping your parents up for ten years. I would not do that.
Don't take any risk or gamble that jeopardizes your future. NOT ONE THING! If you are counting on taking over you mom's home or assets make sure you have it in stone and even then you may suffer a rude awakening.
Regarding Good Self-Care. There is no "Self-Care" with someone with dementia. And you need more than advice on how to keep on top of keeping her clean. That comes with experience mostly. You'll find what works for you mom, once, and it'll change every time.
What worked for a while for me was to agree that bathing, or care, was certainly a big idiotic practice, and as soon as we were done, I was going to write a complaint to congress, so let's get this done quickly so that I could write that letter. Agreement seems to be a helpful.
I hope you haven't quit yet, but ideally, in your former and recently quit job, you were a CNA. Not many of us had that preparation. If not, you are literally going to suffer a crash course. The stuff is going to hit the fan (several times daily) and you will be on the wrong side of the fan.
Bathing or wound tending is a giant bear of a hurdle for folks with dementia. It makes absolutely no sense to them, and never will. You will be stuck in a ever worsening version of your own personal Groundhog Day movie.
If you possibly can, you're better off supervising and orchestrating her care.
I don't mean to sound harsh because I'm sure you have your mother's best interests at heart. I am speaking from 25 years of experience as a homecare worker and now as a homecare business.
Many times a family member is doing the care it will trigger agitation and stubbornness in a demented senior. I have seen this many, many times. Some senior would be perfectly fine with me showering them, changing their diaper, getting them dressed, etc... but when their adult daughter, DIL, granddaughter (it's almost always a female who is in this role), or spouse they become difficult and often impossible to care for.
Don't take this on. If she's already getting upset when you try to help and you're not with her 24/7 like you will be after you quit your job, DON'T DO IT! Hire outside homecare help.
mom. I saw some advise no don’t do it, that doesn’t sound like the answer you’re looking for. What has helped me with the challenges(before she qualified for a CNA to come assist and be put on a waiting list for a facility) 1. Try not to take her behavior personal, none of us have any idea what her brain is allowing her to interpret when you’re trying to help her. 2. My mom loved music and for a while that helped with getting her to let’s say get in the shower. 3. The water temperature had to be really warm( not cold then warm, so starting the shower before she got in), 4. I had to place a heater in the bathroom and close the door and reassure her I was helping her smell pretty and 5.say sorry countless times over and over again. I will not say this helped every time. Towards the end (she’s now bedridden so no more showers or strength to fight, mostly sleeps) I even used to cover my face with a mask and hair with a hat and put on an accent to get her to cooperate. No idea why this worked but it did. Imagine having no control over what your brain is telling you what’s happening to you or losing your ability to comprehend things you feel like you should
know. I do wish you good luck, this wasn’t an easy journey at all and now that we are in the later stages, I’d be ok with her showing me just a little bit of strength, even if it’s saying don’t touch me. God bless you
Use simple voice commands in a deep voice. (Don't talk endlessly.)
Give a lot of positive affirmations. "We will brush your teeth now." After brushing, "Good Job A____." "Time to put on your shoes. Good Job A___."
Warm bathroom.
Convert to red: red toothbrush, red bath towels, red wash cloths, red bath mats, red toilet seat, we put red vinyl lobsters in the tub, red plates, red cups, red placemats, red handles on forks and spoons.
The brain in alzheimer's patients is able to interpret and "see" red items.
Alzheimer's patients can't "see" water and don't understand water. White is a difficult color for alzheimer's patients. They don't see it. Mom would not walk into the bathroom until I used red bath mats.
Using red made a big difference.
"Time to wash your face then we get breakfast." Hand her a warm wet washcloth and hopefully she can still wipe her face.
Mom also would scratch herself in one place. Her caregivers used various techniques. Several would look at her wound after they rubbed lotion on her arms/shoulders etc. She liked the lotion rubs and it kind of relaxed her enough that they could put neosporin on the wound and cover with a band aid.
If she is not receptive to wound care do a retry in an hour or two. Don't get in a battle.
Sometimes you can use diversions. Get her hands occupied holding a fluffy
towel. "I need your help to hold this. Great job." "I'm putting a bandaid on now." "Good job."
When she would no longer get in the bathtub I bought a walk in tub and we used that for several years. When she refused to go in the walk in tub we
put a shower chair in Dad's shower and bathed her there. We only did this for about 8 weeks as it was not a good ergonomic setup for the caregiver.
The we moved to shower chair set on floor in Mom's bathroom and we used a hand hose to bath her (spray hose from bath tub.) The problem was there was no drain so we would have towels on the floor and have to wash and dry them the floor towels after. We did this for several years. When Mom was not walking well one of the CNA's suggested a shower wheel chair. I bought this on Amazon. Mom got out of bed and wheeled into bathroom in shower wheel chair. We used the hand spray wand from tub with towels on floor. We probably did this for about 9 months. Then Mom moved to bed baths in bed only.
Bathing techniques changed as the disease progressed.
Guaranteed within 2 months you will realize the error of your decision. But then it will be too late. You will have already moved her in.
I hope the OP realizes it now. She should not quit her job to become her mother's 24/7 caregiver.
From the sounds of it, mom is needing medical intervention such as placement in Memory Care. You can get an in home aide who is trained in handling clients with dementia. Any aide won't do. Some aides are better at certain jobs than others. You don't want someone who is fresh out of school with little to no experience. This can work for awhile until you get your mom into placement.
I was almost harassed by family members to become my aunt's caregiver. They did not want to place her in a facility where she belongs, nor did they want to get a caregiver in for help. They thought I should do it.
Within a week and some weekends, I saw how challenging it was.
The tantrums, the screams and crying, the arguing with you when you are trying to help and this will go on for HOURS AND HOURS!
Endless laundry EVERY DAY.
Falls, and you cannot lift them.
Constant changing of Depends.
Cleaning feces/urine off of the floor and anywhere else.
Waking you up at all hours of the night for no reason or purpose.
Refusing to be cleaned or showered.
I had my aunt's house professionally cleaned from top to bottom. Inside and outside and they did a fantastic job. The next day, she spilled turmeric tea on the floor from falling asleep with it in her hand and refusing to place it on the table when I asked. The next couple of days afterwards, her Depend was loaded and the mess fell all over the freshly, newly cleaned carpet when I took it off of her.
You will have to have her house professionally cleaned quite often because of constant accidents.
I found myself in her guest bathroom screaming my head off from exhaustion and realizing I was in over my head.
Don't do this. I beg you. I know it's your mom, but you'll probably regret it and ruin your life.
If so you can take up to a 3 month leave to evaluate things and still have a job to go back to.
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla
Do not quit your job.
Good luck & hugs 🤗
She has dementia and will only get worse. "Very upset" can go to "combative" in a millisecond even in the formerly most mild-mannered dementia patients. My truly brilliant husband's self-care went by the wayside when: (1) He thought he was showering but hadn't, and this went on for days because all he could remember was he was supposed to get in and turn on the water, but he couldn't figure out how, and then he forgot why he was in there and got out, still dry. Cleanliness was not in his mind; (2) he refused to shampoo because he'd never seen shampoo before (!), wouldn't let me put it on his head, had no idea what shampoo did and balled up his fists at me in defense at the sight of the horrid green shampoo bottle; (3) hid used toilet paper around the house including under his pillow and didn't know how it got there or what it was; (4) Pooped in the toilet and took the poop out because he didn't think it was supposed to be there, and ran outside to get away from it after leaving it on the floor. And more. This is the condensed version.
These and the like are what you are facing. Every. Single. Day. And. Night. Until. Mom. Dies. They are why facility placement is often the only solution. Or hired caregivers, but that's a whole 'nother difficult problem of management and money, and it's not necessarily the best for us or our loved ones.
We are not, in these enlightened modern times, supposed to refer to dementia sufferers as "quite mad" or "lost her mind," but in fact they ARE mad and HAVE lost their minds, and they can gravely hurt themselves and us.
Don't quit your job. That is the worst thing you could do and will kick off a batch of troubles that I haven't (bluntly) divulged yet.
The troubles you are having now will become more difficult not easier.
Sure she may get over 1 thing that upsets her but another will take it's place.
I always said that when 1 problems seemed to disappear another rose to take it's place.
Do know that by quitting your job you are going to lose YEARS of your credits toward YOUR real retirement.
Unless mom is going to pay you as caregiver and properly do all the paper work so that you are "employed".
Unless you have a contract and mom will pay you do not plan on getting paid. And do not plan on getting paid when she dies. Unless it is in writing a promise means nothing.
Also plan on being her caregiver for 5, 10, 20 years. Are you really ready for that? Of course the years are speculation as no one knows what the future holds.
And what are your "lines in the sand"....What will you not do, what can't you do?? Figure that out now.
And do you have POA? Are you legally able to make decisions for her? If not please get yourself to an Elder Care Attorney to get all the legal ducks in a row. If mom is still somewhat cognizant the lawyer may allow her to sign documents but if not and you may have to obtain Guardianship.
I hope you have thought this through.
Baths or showers are not needed daily. Make sure she is cleaned after toileting. You will have to monitor her and help her.
Bed baths are fine when a bath or shower is not possible.
Shower bench or chair will make her feel more comfortable and secure.
for wound care if she is getting medication for anxiety pre medicate her to calm her before wound care. She may be reacting to pain.