My mother (62) and I (30) caught Covid last August. We were vaccinated, but Delta had just hit and she works at a school, so she caught it there and brought it home. I have a respiratory illness, but I made it out fine. My mom's pre-existing issues were exacerbated by Covid and she ended up having a stroke and lingering brain fog/taste issues. The night I had to call the paramedics to pick her up out of the shower after she fell and couldn't get up was kind of traumatic.
I'm functionally an only child, so the duty of caregiving after my mom spent a month in the hospital and then another few weeks in rehab fell to me. My mom and I have always had a good relationship; this changed that. She still can't taste things normally, and she HATES certain food textures, so there were times early on when she'd make me dump meals I'd made to make them all over again because she didn't like something about them. She would become very... forceful, verbally. This was an issue because we were on an extremely tight money diet and I would often not eat because I'd spend extra money on extra food in case she didn't like what I made and made me throw it out.
Eventually, at her doctor's insistence (something about having cognitive stimulation) and her own wishes, she went back to work. It did her well, I think, but she's still adjusting and she takes it out on me a lot. The issue is that I think I'm going insane: she berates me constantly for her laundry being "damp" two days after I've washed and dried it (it is not; it is absolutely not damp), that her clothes are "infested" with bugs (we have gnats occasionally but they don't bite and they're certainly not in either her clothes or mine). It's like talking to a bizarro-world version of my mother.
She's angry, she's depressed, she faces a lot of problems at work because of external factors - mostly that her boss views her as dead weight to be jettisoned ASAP. She also makes me cry at least 4 times a week over her laundry. I've been dxed with major depression and PTSD for about 10 years now, and recently she's been asking me to not take my medication during the day because it makes me tired and I take little catnaps around one. Today she asked for "a truce," then promptly screamed at me to "shut up and listen" when I tried to explain that I was upset about her constantly berating me for disproportionately inconsequential things. She earnestly and genuinely makes me want to die every single day. I don't think she means to do it.
I don't know what to do. I've been seeing a therapist for my other stuff for a few years but if I was honest about how I'm feeling or how much time I spend in a dissociative state each day I would absolutely get Baker Acted. There is no one else I can rely on. I spend so much of my day wrapped in a tight coil of misery that I can't sleep at night. I just wish she'd let me sleep.
What am I supposed to do in this situation? Who do I go to?
You say you haven't told your therapist just how deeply you are in despair, for fear of being "Baker acted". It is very, very difficult to admit and hold someone into a psychiatric hospital against their will. EVEN if your therapist calls 911 while you are there in the office, that is no guarantee the EMT's will remove you to the hospital.
BUT - even if that WERE to happen, you were Baker-acted and admitted involuntarily - so what?!? If you are in that much of a mental crisis, what is the shame in being admitted into a facility so you can get help? If you were having chest pains from the stress rather than debilitating anxiety, would you not want to tell your MD because you wouldn't want to end up being admitted to the hospital?
I really wish you would tell your therapist EVERYTHING about how you're feeling and what you're going through. It is doing you absolutely no good to "hold back" in therapy, so to speak...you're not going to get the support you need by continuing that. And you clearly need support to be able to cope with what you're going through...not to mention you can't successfully take care of mom if you don't take care of yourself first...and this includes your mental health as well as your physical health.
Please, call your therapist tomorrow and talk to him/her about this.
Mom is not going to magically change or get better because of the affects of her stroke. This is the first thing you need to accept.
Second you are now in an abusive relationship with mom. This is affecting you mentally as you posted above.
The only solution is to move out and away from mom. If she cannot live on her own she will have to be placed somewhere.
I know you love your mom but if you stay in this situation you will be destroyed. If mom was her normal self I am sure she would not want this to happen to you. Please save yourself.
This is almost a triage situation. Stop the bleeding; worry about the cause of the bleeding after the immediate crisis is over.
Vascular Dementia can explain a lot of what you are describing.
A few ideas for you.
When you make a meal that she does not like for whatever reason do not toss it out, that is wasteful. Portion it and freeze what remains,. You can have it another time and fix mom something else. Or the next time you heat it up she may like it. (Ya just never know...)
Cool clothes can sometimes feel damp. I notice it sometimes myself. If she complains toss the clothes in the dryer for a few minutes and that will warm them up and they will feel drier. Even jut tossing them in the drier may settle her down.
This is going to be tough...
Do not argue with her. It will accomplish noting but get you both upset and you will never win the argument.
Now the big question.
Are you living with her or is she living with you? If you are living with her you might want to consider moving out. Does she need a "caregiver"?
You need your space and you need time and a safe place to "heal" yourself. This might be something that you would want to discuss with your therapist. AND you need to be honest with your therapist, they can not help you if you are not honest the therapist or yourself.
One of the first rules of caregiving...Take care of yourself.
And please tell your therapist, they can't help you if you aren't honest - maybe a hospital stay could be the first step toward a different (better) life.
If you are ill enough to be Baker acted, then you need to talk to your therapist RIGHT AWAY. Only you can take care of YOU. There are others who will take care of mom if you are in care. You simply tell your therapist that mom can't be left alone and she will arrange care.
Mom is very frustrated and probably angry at herself for getting covid. I can't imagine not being able to taste one's favorite foods, or even smell flowers. Sadly, your Mom is lashing out at you because you are the closest person. Is it fair, of course not.
In the mean time, if possible, check with your Mom's primary doctor to see if a calming med could be prescribe to help her deal with her long-haul problems. Hopefully that would calm her down. And see if your Mom would visit her doctor and take an Unitary Tract Infection test, as such an infection can cause all types of personality changes. It can be treated.
Sometimes it is just easier to agree with a person who lashing out, then to try to change their way of thinking. Many times I have to ask myself if this conversation is worth an argument. Usually it isn't.
Here is a list of long-haul symptoms. https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/long-term-effects/index.html
You say, "She earnestly and genuinely makes me want to die every single day. I don't think she means to do it." Whether she 'means to' make you feel this way or not, SHE IS DOING IT NEVERTHELESS, day in and day out! Yet she can get dressed & go to work?! How is it she's not driving her COWORKERS to be Baker Acted??
Get out of the house and call APS or the police on mother for a wellness check if you think she can't function alone. My money's on she CAN function alone, it's YOU that concerns me. You need to get away from the nightmare in order to think clearly about what to do next.
Once you are OUT of that house, call your therapist and have a talk, like Barb suggested. But please REMOVE yourself from the source of what's causing you THIS level of upset!
Good luck!
:)
hug!! :)
try to find some way to get help for your mother: for her, but also for you (you need less problems on your shoulders!).
next: i really hope you can concentrate on your life.
i think you have too many problems right now: no wonder you’re depressed.
how about you choose 2 problems every day (regarding your life), and eliminate them? in 7 days, you’ll have eliminated 14.
choose small problems, big, as you like. choose in pairs. that way it’s kind of like a game. matching socks: instead you’re matching problems. and, importantly, you’re moving YOUR life forward.
we loving adult children spend too much time on our parents; too little time on ourselves.
of course, we get depressed!
it’s not normal, nor ok, to live like that.
and you write this: "She's angry, she's depressed, she faces a lot of problems at work because of external factors - mostly that her boss views her as dead weight to be jettisoned ASAP."
Sounds like she shouldn't be working at all. Once she stops working, it will be even more miserable for you. Please heed the advice below to talk to your therapist ASAP. We are concerned for YOU, and you are in a crisis situation.
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