Follow
Share

I am 62, my Father died in a tragic accident when I was 9 years old and my alcoholic mother now, at that time she was still young, but used to go out all the time partying and leave me with a younger child to care for. Now she is 85 and she is nasty, hurtful, criticizes everyone, complains, wishes bad things on everyone, calls grandchildren and spouses down to the dirt, etc. She always says she could have given us up. Now we do what we can for her, but she still complains. She always gets drunk, very abusive talking and puts down our deceased father I remember. She says that our father wasn’t good to her, he cheated on her, she tells us that he committed suicide and didn’t die in an accident. We don’t believe that's what happened, but when we ask why she says that, she says I want you to suffer as much as she did. When she was little girl, she says that her grandfather threw her and broke her leg and her real mother died before she was 7 who she didn’t know. When she gets drunk, she calls people and doesn’t remember who she talks to. She falls down and gets bruises, black eyes, cuts that should have stitches, broken bones, etc. When we ask what happened, she makes up stupid excuses. She won’t admit that she was drinking, even though she leaves voice messages for people when she is drunk and we find full and empty bottles. We get calls from people she has called saying there is something wrong with your mother and when we check on her she fell or hurt herself when she is drunk. We clean up the mess of blood, fix her up, take her to appointments, bring food to her but still is nasty. And when she is sober, she says we are out to get her. If we try to help her, clean her cuts up, she makes swipes at us and we are the worst ever. She won’t let anyone know her personal affairs, for anything including her health. Don’t know what we would do if she gets sick. She has threatened us that she will kill herself if we don’t stop nagging her. It’s been over a month since I have not spoken to her, after she made a swipe at me and calls us everything, when I was trying to clean her the next day after her drunken episode. I can’t take the abuse anymore but other family members say she could die anytime and they would feel guilty if they gave up on her. Every occasion when we get together it has been miserable for everyone. She has ruined baptisms, weddings, birthdays, etc., and does something or says something wrong. She told the hospital when she was hurt one time, that a family member did it to her. Every occasion it’s about her. I feel like I should feel guilty but there is a part of me that doesn’t feel guilty. She told a family member that I was upset with her and she is the mother and that I should call her. She won’t call me. I am too hurt to call. What should I do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Wanna, your mom is an alcoholic.

Have you been to AlAnon?

AlAnon will teach you healthy ways to support your mom if she decides to get sober and will also give you the strength and tools needed to stay strong in the face of her continued addiction.

Please don't feel guilty for wanting to save yourself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
WannabeHappy Apr 2021
Yes, I have tried individual therapy, until my Medicare coverage was used up. Otherwise very expensive to go.
(0)
Report
Your Mom is a speeding training on a track heading right into the side of a mountain.

Either get off and escape, or crash and burn with her.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Thank you Barb for your advise. She won’t get any help, cause she says she don’t have a problem. No I have not gone to AIAnon, but should go to see how I can deal with my mom. I am a business professional in a small town and everyone knows everyone, so I have been procrastinating on going. She is very hurtful when she is not drinking also.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
BarbBrooklyn Apr 2021
One of the core principals of both AA and AlAnon is anonymity.

Have you considered individual therapy as well?
(2)
Report
You say that “other family members say she could die anytime and they would feel guilty if they gave up on her”. Apart from the obvious fact that all of us ‘could die anytime’, why do your family members feel that she is on her last legs? Is there any actual reason for thinking this?

If your family members ‘would feel guilty if they gave up on her’, that’s down to them. You don’t have to feel the same. You can decide what you are willing to do for her, tell her and the rest of the family. That is NOT giving up on her!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
WannabeHappy Apr 2021
Hi Margaret, Thank you for your advise. My mom is 85 years old and she has fallen or got injured due to alcohol that any times it is unbelievable. I can’t believe she has survived so many episodes.
(0)
Report
Go to alanon for yourself. Your mon won’t get help because she doesn’t think she has a problem.

There are meetings all over. Go to a different town or location. They might even be on zoom now. You wouldn’t have to leave your house.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I see that your Mother was delt her cards in life, maybe a really bad hand, but she made decisions along the way too. She also chose her 'medicine' bottle (from maybe the limited options available to her at the time). This is how she lives.

Your story is a different one.

You are free to heal however best suits you. If that is space for yourself & time apart - then that's OK. You could call that self-protective behaviour. Or putting your own O2 on first.

I agree with the other posters. Seek support for yourself. Stand clear of impending disaster. Alert professional helpers (APS, EMS etc) when she needs it instead.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I hope my reaction won't seem unkind to you - bear with me and I'll try to explain.

My first thought is: "goodness, you've taken your time haven't you?"

Fifty years. Fifty years of this b.s. And only now have you reached the point of thinking enough?

What's changed? You've been picking her up and mopping her off and trying to absorb everything she's thrown at you (and others) for decades, quite literally. You and she live in a comparatively closed community, where I imagine everyone knows everyone and secrets are hard to keep, and as a successful professional you must have a highish profile.

Who are the other family members? I see you have at least one sibling, but how many of you are there involved in your mother's life?

It is never too late to change how you cope, never. But it's much more likely to be successful if you do some clear, hard thinking about what you can change for good and what exactly needs changing.

Don't call your mother. You need thinking time, and you need to talk to others about what your mother really needs (therefore must have provided for her, though not necessarily by you in person) and what she doesn't really need (and therefore no one should have to put up with).

Why was this last episode a month ago the last straw? What felt different about it?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
WannabeHappy Apr 2021
Thank you for your reply. I put up with everything cause i convinced myself she was my mother and she all I had as a parent and that she did what she could do for us. I know it was hard that my father died when all of us were young. My other siblings go through this too, but they limit the phone calls. Mom and I would speak to each other 3 to 5 times a day. I felt that she was lonely, so I made time for her. She would talk and complain about the other siblings families and I would just let her go on. When I would say I don’t want to hear it, I don’t like that, she would still keep going or get mad and hang up and call back. She don’t complain to the other family members as much because it’s about them and their families, however, my other family members are loving, caring and are nice siblings and we are close. We are a huge support to each other. Each of my other two siblings do also everything for her. Where I am the only daughter, she may confide more to me. But what the last straw was the last episode was on my husband birthday and when I went to help her she went to hit me with an object. She made three swipes and I moved. She said, I want my children to suffer as much as I did. She was never as bad as this and that’s why I put up with her. She would never try to hit my brothers, but verbally abuse them.
Thank God my husband has been my rock. He can’t understand why she has to be so mean, when his mother is so loving. My husband don’t want me to have nothing to do with her, but family members say she’s 85 and you can’t change her so they put up with her and they would feel guilty. I guess they are stronger than me right now.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Your mom needs help. Way more than you or any of your family members can provide. I'm glad you don't feel "guilty" as guilt is for those who've done something wrong, and you my dear have done nothing wrong. Your mom is sick, and broken and the best thing you can do for yourself now, is get yourself some help in dealing with all the dysfunction you've had to endure all these years. I would start with Al-Anon, and then some personal therapy as well.
And until your mom gets some help for her addiction, I would stay as far away as possible from her. Her toxicity is not something you need or want in your life. Your mental health deserves better. Sometimes we have to let our LO's hit rock bottom, before they will reach out for help, so if that what it takes, then so be it. All you are doing by continuing to clean up her messes, is enabling her, and that will never make her change. So please stop, and stay away from her, because you deserve so much better. God bless you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You feel guilty because you don't feel guilty. Been there.

You can't help your mother. Something is going to happen where she will end up in the hospital and/or rehab. When that happens, you need to have her evaluated for 24/7 care. And you need to tell them there is no one willing to take on 24/7 care. That returning her to her home is unsafe. Maybe then she can be placed in Longterm care. If no one is POA then the state can take over her care.

I am the compassionate one in the family. But there comes a time you can't help someone change. Mom is 85 and SHE has done nothing about her problem. Yes, maybe she drinks because of a rotten childhood. She should have gotten help with this years ago. But SHE chose not to. She chose to be miserable for the rest of her life. People have overcome rotten childhoods and been able to move on. Its not yours or anyone elses fault she is where she is. We are responsible for our own lives and how we live them.

So take your break but know that you can't change her but you can change the way you are with her. Look up "gray rock" maybe something you can use.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
WannabeHappy Apr 2021
Thank you Joann for listening. You are right.
(1)
Report
You must be hungry for a mother's love, a dad's strength and happy memories. Your childhood was void of security and cheerfulness. You did not receive nurturing and when this happens you have a great void in your life.

Certainly in a perfect world you could love your mother and not feel anything, have no pain, but we don't live in a world like that. Please understand - you have been abused. Perhaps you could stop talking one to one with her and instead send cards, small gifts (appropriate for her age) and show her unconditional love. Remember silly holidays and show her your love in a totally different form.

She cannot change at 85 and probably doesn't understand all the pain she causes. Your Mom is in emotional pain but you certainly do not need to be in the middle of her toxicity. I have lived in abusive situations and Psalm 107:9 was life changing for me.

You are loved - your husband is right there and you have his side of the family. Cherish happiness and you might find counselling through churches (once they open) that is beneficial and free. I've counseled many many women and I have never found one that wished she hadn't come. Counselling is mostly about hearing, understanding, empathy, compassion and building your self esteem. May you blessed in finding restoration.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
WannabeHappy Apr 2021
Thank you so much :)
(0)
Report
I’m so sorry for your pain. No one deserves such treatment no matter the circumstances. 62 years is by a long shot enough time to accept her toxic behavior. Please stop any caregiving for her, no explanations needed. Your own health is important, it’s time to only look after you. There are safety nets in place, it’s not on you to provide anything. It is on you to protect yourself. Don’t listen about or discuss your mom with anyone, family included. Don’t try to explain or justify stepping away. I wish you healing and peace
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
WannabeHappy Apr 2021
Thank you so much:)
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter