My mom is in the ICU, intubated. I was there Friday to yesterday and flew home. My mom lives in California and I live in Colorado. Now, they want to move her onto comfort care. My dad died suddenly a year ago, in my arms. I feel traumatized by witnessing his death. I am a nurse and have been present for many deaths but am extremely close with my mom and just don't think I can handle watching her die. I'm not sure what to do.
At one point a doctor wandered into the room, saw me holding my mom's hand and said "you know she doesn't know you're here" I responded by saying "I'm doing this for me."
As it turned out? Her last day on earth I stayed by her side for 4 hrs. When I finally had to leave I just had a feeling she would go without me being there. So I kissed her on the forehead and left. Sure enough the hospital phoned 3 hrs. later to tell me she had passed.
I truly used to think that something momentous would happen when she took her final breath. Like she'd wake up at the last moment and smile or something like that. In retrospect, it was naive of me to think that. She had been gone a while. Just like that doctor said.
I think you should do what feels right for you. If you feel that being there in those last moments will traumatize you then don't do it. It doesn't mean you are letting your mom down and she may not know you are there anyway.
Instinctually I feel that my mom would not have known I was there even if I had stayed that day. I am at peace with it. Please be at peace with whatever you decide to do.
That main thing is that she is kept comfortable and pain free.
Just sending a hug.
I kept to my already scheduled travel plans.
The hospice RN called me and told me Mom now had a Kennedy ulcer. She implied Mom could pass in less than 24 hours. I already had a flight previously scheduled for 5 days out. I decided to stick to my original plans even though Mom might pass. I flew up on my already purchased ticket 5 days later and Mom looked good.
I knew I'd spent a ton of time with Mom during the prior 6 years and I was okay if I was not present when she passed.
Even with the Kennedy ulcer Mom lasted almost 3 more months.
Have her moved to comfort care.
He didn't understand, and made me out to be this bad, cruel person. He couldn't understand I didn't want to see her go. It was bad enough seeing her suffer in the hospital for five months.
I couldn't even view her body in the coffin. I just couldn't do it. I loved her too much and didn't want those last memories.
Don't go if it will upset/traumatize you. Don't feel guilty. Even my cousin on my dad's side understood how I felt. She said most adults cannot handle it, and it's nothing to feel guilty about.
Discuss with her medical team how you can be far away yet still in constant communication with your mom. Facebook? Video call? Find out what their capabilities are and tap into whatever they offer. I hope that will work for you. I'm very sorry your mom is so sick.
I'm a mom, and when the time comes, I'd rather be alone than with any of my kids hurting because I'm about to die. I view dying as an extremely personal experience, and I don't want people weeping as they sit in a room with me while I slip away. That's not the peaceful death I'm hoping for!
I believe that our souls transition long before our bodies do anyway. So really, there is no point staying with a body that is expiring, as the soul is with you already in spirit form.
My condolences on your impending loss.
And you can always just call her on the phone and have someone hold the phone up to her ear so she can hear you, as you being a nurse already know that hearing is the last sense to go.
How fortunate you are to have a mom that you were close to and will miss after she's gone.