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My mom is in the ICU, intubated. I was there Friday to yesterday and flew home. My mom lives in California and I live in Colorado. Now, they want to move her onto comfort care. My dad died suddenly a year ago, in my arms. I feel traumatized by witnessing his death. I am a nurse and have been present for many deaths but am extremely close with my mom and just don't think I can handle watching her die. I'm not sure what to do.

You do whatever you feel comfortable doing and what is best for you. Your mom knows that you love her and I'm sure she'll be ok with whatever you decide.
And you can always just call her on the phone and have someone hold the phone up to her ear so she can hear you, as you being a nurse already know that hearing is the last sense to go.
How fortunate you are to have a mom that you were close to and will miss after she's gone.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Fwiw, I purposely left both my parents bedsides before they passed away. I did not want that memory of hearing and seeing them take their last breath to be seared onto my brain forevermore. So I stayed with them for days beforehand, saying what I needed to say, thanking them for all they'd done for me, and saying my goodbyes. I have no guilt, sorrow or remorse for my decision. It was bad enough for me to witness what I did witness while they transitioned, so staying until the end would not have been a good idea for me.

I believe that our souls transition long before our bodies do anyway. So really, there is no point staying with a body that is expiring, as the soul is with you already in spirit form.

My condolences on your impending loss.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I was with my dad holding his hand when he died. I still feel some odd mix of honored and traumatized by being there. But what I also strongly feel from it, it wasn’t important to be there. My dad’s wise hospice nurse told me the day before he died that he’d already gone, the dad I knew and loved had died, his body just hadn’t quite gotten the message yet. It was so true. I don’t believe all that “no one should die alone” crap. My mother was non communicative, sleeping, for three weeks before she died. It became impossible to know when it would happen amd in the end she was alone. I know it was fine. I’m sorry you’re in this sad time, please don’t torture yourself thinking you must do any one thing in particular. Do what will bring you the most peace, then don’t second guess it.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You do what works for you and not what you think you "should" do or what you think other people would do. An extra thing for you to consider is that often loved ones kind of refuse to die when family is present. They wait to be alone before they pass. You could move heaven and earth to be there with her only to have her die while you're eating lunch or in the restroom. Relationships are built over lifetimes, not on deathbeds.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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Whatever you choose to do will be okay.
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Reply to brandee
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When my dad was dying I was by his side for days on end. I finally had to come home. While I was home resting he passed away. I'm very glad I was not there. Mom and my uncle and aunt were there. It would have been too much for me. It's OK to not be there if someone else is, especially if the person is comatose.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Stay away. it's bad enough losing a parent, but it's even worse if you are traumatized by the experience. Since she'll be in comfort care, she'll be with kind, trained professionals who have been in attendance for many terminal patients. She won't feel alone.

Discuss with her medical team how you can be far away yet still in constant communication with your mom. Facebook? Video call? Find out what their capabilities are and tap into whatever they offer. I hope that will work for you. I'm very sorry your mom is so sick.

I'm a mom, and when the time comes, I'd rather be alone than with any of my kids hurting because I'm about to die. I view dying as an extremely personal experience, and I don't want people weeping as they sit in a room with me while I slip away. That's not the peaceful death I'm hoping for!
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Reply to Fawnby
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So sorry to read this. If you do not think you can handle it, then you should not be present at her death. I don't think your mother would want that for you if she knew this.

That main thing is that she is kept comfortable and pain free.

Just sending a hug.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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I made it my mission to be there with my mom when she took her final breath.
At one point a doctor wandered into the room, saw me holding my mom's hand and said "you know she doesn't know you're here" I responded by saying "I'm doing this for me."

As it turned out? Her last day on earth I stayed by her side for 4 hrs. When I finally had to leave I just had a feeling she would go without me being there. So I kissed her on the forehead and left. Sure enough the hospital phoned 3 hrs. later to tell me she had passed.

I truly used to think that something momentous would happen when she took her final breath. Like she'd wake up at the last moment and smile or something like that. In retrospect, it was naive of me to think that. She had been gone a while. Just like that doctor said.

I think you should do what feels right for you. If you feel that being there in those last moments will traumatize you then don't do it. It doesn't mean you are letting your mom down and she may not know you are there anyway.

Instinctually I feel that my mom would not have known I was there even if I had stayed that day. I am at peace with it. Please be at peace with whatever you decide to do.
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Reply to Gershun
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I remember the hospital calling my dad when my mom was near. I was home with him. I couldn't go. I couldn't move. I didn't want to see it.
He didn't understand, and made me out to be this bad, cruel person. He couldn't understand I didn't want to see her go. It was bad enough seeing her suffer in the hospital for five months.
I couldn't even view her body in the coffin. I just couldn't do it. I loved her too much and didn't want those last memories.
Don't go if it will upset/traumatize you. Don't feel guilty. Even my cousin on my dad's side understood how I felt. She said most adults cannot handle it, and it's nothing to feel guilty about.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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