I’m just completely overwhelmed trying to keep everyone happy all while watching my mom waste away more each day. I came very close to moving them out but just can't bring myself to do that to my mom. I know she only has months at the most left. But still seeing no end in sight. The guilt, trying to be a good mom to my kids (10, 12) and a good wife, all while working FT. My dad is an ungrateful a**hole whom I can barely look at so I have to literally hide in my own home to avoid him :( I'm so tired and regret having them move in as it has forever changed my relationship with my dad and he will be asked to move after my mom passes. Again - the guilt :( so burnt out. So trapped inside because of Covid worries/precautions. So sad and tired, high blood pressure and pre-diabetes now from completely neglecting myself for years. Sometimes I wonder if modern medicine and longer life expectancies are a gift or curse we’ve put upon ourselves :( I myself have already told my kids that they are under no circumstances allowed to let me or my husband live with them when we are aging. I’ll even put it in writing in case I forget thru dementia later on in life. At least this rant helped me to stop crying for the night. Hugs to all trying to make it thru caregiving. People who don't do it have no idea what its like!
Where will your mom be if YOU die or become incapacitated from a stroke?
You are burned out. Get your mother into care; kick your father out and act as your mother's advocate and loving daughter.
And as for "keeping everyone happy"? That is the least valuable thing you can do. Do what is right for your mom's care. THAT's what matters.
You can't do anything about your mom's disease but you can do something about your situation. Evict the “ungrateful a**hole” and find care for your mom or hire a home care agency.
There is no doubt in my mind how much you love your mother. She knows that you love her.
Sometimes we spend so much time loving others that we neglect ourselves.
Taking care of yourself is equally as important.
I understand the emotional turmoil that you feel. Honor your feelings, but be willing to be open to look at all viewpoints on your situation.
My mother was in my home for 15 years. It’s very hard to see our loved ones decline.
I took care of my father too but he did not live with me. Mom moved in after daddy died.
I am no longer my mother’s caregiver.
She is now receiving hospice care. Hospice does an excellent job at keeping patients comfortable.
I had to go through an adjustment period at first of not being her caregiver.
My husband and children kept telling me that I did more than my share of caring for my mom.
I began to feel relief, not having to do the hands on work anymore.
I realized that I had completely grown accustomed to living my life to serve my mother. I was exhausted.
We can only do so much before we hit a breaking point.
Your mom will not hate you if you can no longer stretch yourself so thinly.
You have given more than enough to your father.
You don’t owe anyone an apology or explanation for your feelings or actions.
If needed, start an eviction process to boot him out!
You and your immediate family deserve peace in your lives.
Don’t overload yourself anymore.
Caregiving is one of the toughest jobs ever!
It’s okay to stop doing the heavy lifting. You can still look out for your mom.
I wish you well. Take care.
You said, "I realized that I had completely grown accustomed to living my life to serve my mother. I was exhausted.". It hit me like a rock saying YES outloud. This is true for me to a ridiculous degree. I had just never heard it said that way. My husband told me yesterday that I am my own person and it seemed weird, my parents have always been so involved in my life that in a way, many decisions we made were to keep HER happy. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm thinking of taking care of what makes me happy now that I'm older. I loved your comment. Thank you.
It wears on me not just in trying to help care but also that I just want to give her some enjoyment in whatever time is left but do not know how. All this has me looking at my life (not even 50) thinking about how I could soon me the elder of our family on any side and have no one left in my life that even knew me pre high school which is weird to think you have no one to talk about those memories with. My life till now was mostly out of my control and filled with drama but always dreamed that someday we'd all be older with time to enjoy each others company, realizing now that you don't get that chance.
Luckily I have a good wife and kids to help me but I think being on sites like this even if just to vent it out are great. I think you are amazing for taking them in, I often thought about my mom living w/ us but our home would need major work to work for her which I couldn't afford. Besides my mom and I have both said we could never live with each other again or we'd end up never speaking.
So many of us have traveled down the same road.
Wishing you peace along the way.
It’s a bumpy road with many detours, which can be very unsettling at times.
Don’t ever hesitate to reach out for help.
We are glad that you have joined the forum and hope to be of some help to you.
You are wise not to take your mom in. It makes the job of caregiving a million times harder.
You have to give something up though because no one can keep all the plates spinning in a situation like yours all on their own.
If your husband is that much of an a**hole that you're hiding in your own home then it's time to end your marriage to him. It's not doing your kids a favor staying together if it's that bad. Also, you don't have to keep everyone happy all the time. In taking care of your mom you cannot be everything to everyone right now and they will just have to live with it.
Have you applied for the Family Leave Act? You can take up to six months off from work to care for a sick family member and your job cannot fire you.
You may also qualify to get paid for taking care of your mom if your state has a paid family caregiver program.
These could be possibilities to lessen your enormous burden.
Maybe a few hours a week of homecare services to help with your mom as well. You need a break and bringing in outside help can make that possible. Please for your own sake, consider these ideas.
I think writing it out here is great! It's like a major step to getting some of the pressure out of you head. And also great to be examining the situation. Let's call it Mom's Care Plan. It was working, you were balancing it all like a superwoman. But illness can increase the load, and serious illness passes what ONE person can do. A TEAM is needed. You've highlighted Dad is (for whatever reason) not very helpful.
So you have reviewed the Care Plan. Found you need to increase the care level. More 'boots on the ground' help. From your replies, you have discounted moving your Mother at this stage - so the option left is having support come to you at home. This may be from Care Agencies or even Hospice (if that is appropriate). Hospice can advice what services are available to you. It may also be useful to have a frank discussion with Dad. We need extra help now. Can you afford to hire professional help for Mom?
Let us know (after hopefully that warm bath) how your thoughts lie. (((Hugs)))
Your kids are old enough to help in the house. Find meal items they can easily microwave, or serve cold like crackers and cheese, to provide meals for themselves and for the family. It will make them feel important and useful to help you at this time.
There’s no help for a lot of what you are going through, and you have my virtual hug of sympathy, so try to shift away as much as you can of what you can so you can deal with mom and still have time to take care of yourself. It is not a normal time, so don’t try to do everything you normally do PLUS all the the other things.
They can help with supplies and equipment if you need it.
There will also be a Social Worker that you can talk to as well.
If your dad is cognizant you need to have a sit down with him and tell him what is going on..(what makes him an "a**hole") and tell him that he needs to change his ways. And tell him that you / he will be looking for Assisted Living (or Independent Living if appropriate) for him.
IF he is not cognizant then begin to look for Memory Care now. When an opening comes up you can move him. No need to feel guilty.
By taking these steps there may be a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.
You do need a break. If at all possible hire caregivers (paid for by mom and dad) to come in a few days a week. Hospice coming in a few days a week would also help. Typically the Nurse will come 1 day a week and the CNA would come 2 or 3 for about 2 hours to help bathe, change bedding and order supplies.
It is impossible to "keep everyone happy". Period. You are trying to achieve the impossible.
Your children and marriage are your first priority. You can get in-home help for your mother for which your parents pay. By neglecting yourself you are depriving your husband and children of their wife and mother.
The best thing for prediabetes is losing some weight. Prediabetes is reversible through diet and exercise. A friend of mine was told by her doctor that her A1C was high. She lost 30 pounds by cutting out white foods i.e. white flour, white sugar, etc., eating lots of veggies and walking around her community twice a day for 15-20 minutes as well as doing other little things to reduce her stress eating including making alone time for herself. It's been 6 months of changing very damaging habits and her A1C is back to normal.
As for your father, where do you plan on him going after your mother dies? I ask only because a**holes can be hard to move out.
Moving them our will be no easy process. Refusal to go would mean what? I would save that for following the death of your Mom which you say is eminent.
I believe you have said something out loud that we seldom give voice to but that is very true. The added years to so many lives comes as not a gift, but a curse, especially to them, and then to us as well.
It is clear that, when your Mother is gone, you don't wish to live with you father. He will be in some mourning when your Mother goes, but after that I would make clear to him that, for the good of yourself and your entire family he cannot continue to live with you. Reassure him you will seek placement for him. Meanwhile assist him in getting vaccinated and etc. so he may be more easily placed.
This isn't fair to your entire family. However, you brought them both into your home. Now dealing with removing them won't be easy.
I hope you will start with Hospice and get some help. I am so sorry and wish you so much luck. Your story serves as a cautionary tale to those who write us about their (often not well thought-out ) plans to move elders in with them. I am certain that is little comfort to you.
health order through her doctor would give you at least 2-3 hours/week of people showing up (but it’s not caregiving, it’s nursing or PT... hut maybe you could go sit in another room, be with your kids, or at least not feel so alone). Can you pay for 4 hours/week of help? More?
my heart is with you! And don’t feel bad if your mom watches TV!
Call his Insurance Co and see what is available.
Call Agency for the Ekderly and start your search for Senior Care Placement for your Dad.
Find a Senior Home for your Dad and then
have your mom put under the care of Hospice, which you'll get some home help with her.
If your mom refuses to stay at your home without Dad, then line up a Senior place for both your mom and Dad.
Hospice Care will be luned up fir her Carr and you can go visit.
Seems like this would be the best solution so you and your family can have your life back..
Prayers
may God bless you for doing such a service for your parents .
I agree with others that hospice should be called in to assess your mom. As long as she is under your roof, your dad has no say in this matter. I also agree getting her into a facility would help you but I can see you aren’t willing to do that.
I suggest a family meeting. Sit down with everyone and do this after you’ve made your list. Tell the children about your feelings and ask them to help out. List the chores they can do to help you out. Your husband needs to pitch in. Your father needs to help. Give everyone "jobs" and take some of the burden off you!! Women are bad at wanting to be people pleasers and as you said make everyone happy. But this is unrealistic and self imposed. Setting boundaries is what you need to do and do it now. If you don’t, you will be causing your mental and physical health to get worse. This letter you wrote is a wake up call to yourself. Only you can change and make the decisions to help yourself get out of this muck. I wish you strength to do so. Keep in touch.
1 - Ask your dad to participate in your Mom's daily care - washing her laundry, organizing her clothing, helping her get dressed, etc. Can he do that? Is he along for the ride or just expecting you to do all the work. And certainly, if he's able, don't do a physical thing for him - let him do his own laundry, clean his space, do his own dishes, etc. until he gets the picture that he contributes or he has no benefits. Also - how much is he aware of your Mom's condition? Is he silently grieving without anyone's recognition of that? You didn't say how much care your Mom needs, and if she's terminal, certainly Hospice could be arranged. Financially, can they contribute to hiring an aide for 2 -3 days a week for you Mom's care? Why should all of that fall on you?
2 - Your kids are 10 and 12 - do they have a regular list of chores and things to do around the house? Which one starts dinner while you are at work? Which one does laundry? Which one helps clean the house (common areas, not just their own rooms)? Do they help create a grocery list and shop with you? That can cut down the time spend in a grocery store, or do you have delivery? Your kids can be big helps without sacrificing any relationship with them. Setting expectations and goals are a good way to develop a cohesive family relationship.
3 - What is you husband doing? Working full time, and then "off the clock" for the rest of the time? Why are YOU worried so much about being a good parent and wife and daughter, without getting nothing in return.
4 - Seems to me a family meeting is long over due, and it may just open new doors for others to help. If they don't know how this is making you feel, then the responsibility is on you to bring it to light, because they will never see it. Make a list of what you need, share it with them, and let them know that you are all in this together, but the sharing needs to be more equitable. And learn to say NO - that is the most freeing thing in the world.
Telling them you think your mom needs more comfort care at this stage could be your catalyst in the conversation. I think if you wait until your mom passes, it will be more difficult for you and your dad to get him to move.
All of this stress is not good for your family. Do the right thing for everyone involved...start visiting some AL facilities and see if they can accommodate your parents situation and even if they can't, they may have some suggestions.
Try to make a point to find some time to yourself each day where you aren't doing anything for anyone. It sounds like you've taken on responsibility for too many on your shoulders. Tell the adults how you are feeling overwhelmed, especially your husband. Can your dad and husband help with some things with your mom to lighten your load? Can the kids take over additional chores etc to help. Just a thought.....good luck to you....
I am dealing with a narcissistic Alzheimer’s mother. I’m in the process of setting boundaries with her and fully expect backlash. My health is suffering as is my marriage and this is where I draw the line. Please don’t let your situation get to this point. I’m fortunate to have a good therapist to help me through this difficult process, and it has been worth every penny.
Hang in there and sending a hug.