I just need someone to say I'm not going crazy...

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I just need someone to say I'm not going crazy...

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My mom is 87 and is under the care of a temporary guardian. The past year my mom has accused me of stealing many things from her house. She actually hired a lawyer (under the influence of my sister) and has threatened to sue me. This guardian now is asking me if I would be willing to take a night shift to save my mother money. My wife and I were the primary care givers for 18 months until we couldn't take the accusations anymore. Now mom pays for the 24 hour care. Also the guardian has asked for help around the house - fixing things. When I come over there to fix things - mom gets upset that things in her house need to be fixed. Am I crazy for not wanting to go over to my mom's house alone or being put in this position of fixing things for her?

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You're not crazy IMHO.

Based upon what you wrote, I would not be going over to her house or if I did not without someone to be able to witness. I'm certainly not saying you're doing the things you're being accused of btw. But you need to protect yourself.

At this point, given the accusations and the threat of a suit, I would take action to prevent anything further that could be used against you.

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No you aren’t crazy at all. The guardian is barking up the wrong tree in my opinion. What would be crazy would be for you to step back in to the picture and assume these duties. I wouldn’t even worry about a lawsuit or accusations, your mom has clearly been deemed incompetent since she has a guardian. Plus there has to be PROOF of wrong doing.

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You're being taken advantage of. You are not crazy.

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Who is the temporary guardian?

I read your past posts, and you and your wife did way too much for this woman (and your wife stayed at the house for 15 hours at a time to take care of her???).

Tell the guardian NO to "taking a night shift" to save your mother money. Don't wade back into the muck!

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I think I can help, here.

Even if you were right now rolling around on the ground guffawing like a hysterical buffalo, I would still not agree that you were crazy.

I am gobsmacked that anyone has the gall to expect you to expose yourself to further accusations and heartbreak in order to save other people money and trouble.

Maintain social contact with your mother in ways that completely insulate you from any conceivable suspicion - visit her in the presence of the guardian, send her cards and flowers, whatever is a nice thing to do that can't possibly open up more cans of worms.

And maybe later, when this phase of your mother's dementia has passed, in the fullness of time; if there are other ways you can help you can reconsider on an ad hoc basis whether you want to. But now? As things are?

They have got to be kidding.

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Great answer. Yes, this is dementia, a very difficult matter to deal with.

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I read ur last post from April 2018. At that time you were POA. You don't have to answer but why is a tempory guardian involved, because of Moms accusations that you were stealing? If so, then he/she has a lot of nerve asking you to do night shift. Tell her its OK with you that all Moms money is used up for her care. That sister seems to worry about "Moms money" so ask her to spend the night. Tell the guardian to hire someone to "fix things" That under the circumstances you think she/he has a lot of nerve asking. That Mom needs to be in an AL ( probably would cost the same as 24/7 care in the home) then the house can be sold for her care. No taxes insurance or upkeep. That you will not be entering Moms house without having an impartial witness there with you. That you put in 18 months caring for her (wife spending 15 hrs a day there) only to be accused by Mom and Sis of stealing. No sorry, not that stupid. Please, don't take the bait, no good deed goes unpunished. You really don't need the stress of waiting for the "ball to drop" and it will. Your sister will find something.

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I applied for guardianship of my mom and the judge appointed a professional guardian in the meantime. My mom was only getting 8 hours of care a day after we stopped taking care of her. We knew she needed more and that's why. My sister took mom to a new attorney and now she is POA. Guardian now is paying for 24 hour care and other things. They just ask for help - which I am going - why are you putting me through this again. By the way mom is paying $28,000 a month for home care.

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Yup siblings - gotta love um... but always CYA!!!!
Don't do it...
One of mine tried to take me to court but I had that covered WAAAAAAAY before they even thought about it! House sat for a so called friend one time, a neighbor accused me of doing drugs in the house... turned out to be the owners drugs... never did that again! An acquaintance of a friend warn me of assisting with an Alz patient, I was a very close friend because family lived about an hour away... I was setting up the move to a MC facility... then I was warned... family accused me of stealing due to Alz persons inability to remember... I had saved receipts... backed off just in time!
Blessings
hgnhgn
hgnhgn

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Now that I have picked my jaw off the ground, I would say that your sister and mom's guardian are crazy and have lost their minds completely to think you would put yourself in danger again.

They have told you what they feel by threatening you with a lawsuit, believe them and run, don't walk the other way.

Send mom cards and little gifts of love but only visit when you know you can not be falsely accused. We live in a society that accusations ruin lives, don't let yourself be another victim to this psychosis.

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thank you for this response.

(6)

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No, you are not crazy. You are protecting yourself. Keep your distance, Let your sis , the lawyer and the temp guardian figure things out without your involvement. Staying out of this toxic mess is your best decision. Good luck.

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On one side of the issue, the guardian may be surprised you will not help considering you applied for Guardianship. However, you did not apply to become the guardian's flying monkey, nor the sibling's patsy. That puts you in a tenuous position, and you were not awarded guardianship. This is crazy-making, but does not mean you are crazy, yet.

Check with your lawyer, and ask if it would be better to withdraw your application for guardianship in the face of continued accusations.

So sorry that your Mother's best interests will be lost in this fight.

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Um, for $28K a month you get the taj mahal of memory care/snf. You just tell that guardian that placing mom in a beautiful facility would certainly save some money, especially when that house that needs so much upkeep gets sold.

And that is an option that the guardian can implement for their ward’s benefit.

:D

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Exactly! Well said! I about choked when I saw that $28K

(1)

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No you're not. Tell the guardian they're on their own. Night shift work is hard on the body and you have your own life to lead. When your Mom gets upset and starts accusing again, leave. Then visit her again. Accusations start again, leave. Keep this pattern up until your Mom gets the message. Bad behavior = no company. Also, have a sit down with your sister.... and chew her out six ways from Sunday. What she's doing can be construed as elder abuse due to coercion and exploitation of your Mom's resources. Fixing things can easily be handled by a professional. Your Mom needs to understand how her actions have negatively affected her relationship with you. Hold her accountable for it.
Good luck!

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You should always have an impartial person with you when you visit to avoid he said she said. Really I wouldn’t bother
sounds like your sister and the guardian are just waiting for when your mother passes and then the house gets sold. Let them work it out

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Oh, my! Dear StoneMan, in my opinion you would have to be crazy as a loon to ever step foot back in that house under ant circumstances, even with a witness. If something "turned up missing," it may be said that you and your witness were in on the theft together. I agree with others here who suggest that you send your LO the occasional flower, card, gift, box of candy, singing telegram, teddy bear or whatever, but save yourself and your sanity by doing it all from a distance. Once bitten, twice shy, right? Being alone in that house at night is nuts, a trap. I wouldn't do it, and I'm betting you are *not* crazy enough to do it. Your instincts are good, trust them! 😉

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👍Yup. What Des said. 100%.

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After reading every response on this thread....PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM THIS SITUATION!!!!! Why would you even consider going back to that place?? Please consider your sister and so-called guardian are up to whats best for them, not your mother and certainly not you! Tell them under NO circumstances will you do anything more.....as others have said, and im sure u love your mom, love her from afar!! Please dont put yourself or your wife thru anymore drama concerning your mom....love and blessings to you!!

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👍Yup. What Cher said. 100%.

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The Guardian has responsibilities that it sounds as if he's trying to shirk. Is he being paid, either from your mother's assets or by the state/county? (They usually are.) He took on this responsibility, let him handle it. Your role now is simply to be a good son (not a doormat); you have no further obligations for arranging for your mother's financial or household affairs. I would say don't be drawn into a debate with your sister about what you do or don't do, just say X is not possible right now and she should speak to the Guardian. You have no obligation to explain yourself to these people, so don't try to. They probably won't accept your responses anyway. Good luck.

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Another good reply. Yes, the caregiver is paid, and son would not be? AND work the night shift? Um no.

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Please do not think you are crazy,you have to do what's best for you and your mental health, I look after my in laws full time with no support from their family, not even a phone call asking how I am, how surprised would I be if someone actually asked me how I was, I'm going crazy but no way out,for you I would get someone in to do repairs and also to do extra care,or ask your sister, hope that helps

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It sounds like you should extricate yourself from this situation, permanently. You've given your mom 18 months of assistance...you've done what you can. I would politely say "no" and move one with your life. I would also document all of the conversations (emails, letters, etc.) for evidence, should a lawsuit happen. Why would someone being accused of stealing be entrusted with its contents?

I would also protect yourself with a visit to an attorney, just to have a legal ear.

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I agree with the other comments, one other thing to consider they may have already used your Mom’s assets without permission and are looking for a scapegoat to blame it on! One hates to think family would do such a thing, but when it comes to money, the sky’s the limit as to what a family member will do! Blessings to you, but put you and your family first!

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You are not crazy. God bless you!

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The emotional stress of caring for an aging parent cannot be minimized. While on the outside we may understand that they cannot help themselves when they are acting paranoid and forgetful, but on the inside we still feel hurt and slighted by the parent who once loved us. It is a very crazy making dynamic that can be psychologically traumatizing. I found this website invaluable for helping me realize I am not going crazy and I will say the same for you. You are not crazy for wanting to protect your emotions and your legal well being. Your mother lived her life and now she is being cared for as needed. You get to live your life and protect your finances and emotional well being from the unpredictable demands of your mothers situation. I would say that since someone else is caring for her, then they can work on finding other ways to make it work for her. Take your space with dignity and grace.

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As someone else has said here - document everything. We hate to think it will come to that but you just never know. If I were in your situation I would definitely put my family first; you could be risking their financial future on unfounded accusations. If your mother has a guardian that is the person who should be making all the arrangements, not you. And by being in your mothers house (after already being accused of theft) at night...well that seems like the perfect set up and take down. Also why should it be your problem to save your mother money? If the situation were ideal and your mother was no care and easy going it might be a different matter. But she's not and it's not. Good luck to you and watch your back.

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Have you heard the expression "hurt me once--shame on you; hurt me twice--shame on me"? You shouldn't go back there!

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Simple, straight truth and good advice.

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As my husband says - "it is part of the disease". However what I cannot get my husband to understand is what you are going through and I feel for you. My in-laws have done similar things- not quite the extent- they have threatened to call the police on me (because I told the AL facility they had gone out and gotten OTC medicines and the facility came in the room and did a "sweep" to remove them. I have been called a "thief" for allegedly taking their house keys - they were in the bottom of mom's purse. They even threatened to call an attorney against us (even though we have had one since we began caring for them) believing we forced them into the facility when in fact they were the ones that pursued the facility. When I describe to outside friends what it is like being in their presence for any length of time I describe it like stepping into a "tornado". A whirlwind of mixed up emotions, thoughts and feelings. And it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

What I am getting to is - I have had to create hard boundaries- for myself. I do not go over to the facility unless it is to take them to doctors appointments, to deliver supplies or unless I am in the presence of my husband. If I am alone with them- I now voice record all visits on my phone. Sometimes it is good to listen to them .....you learn a lot about yourself and how you respond ( sometimes it brings to your attention how you can improve on your response). Our emotions are worn down. We (I speak in terms of all of us who are taking care of parents) never thought we would be in this position. Our lives have been turned upside down never to be the same again. This forum allows us to see we aren't alone and to vent - as you have. You are not crazy! You have to take care of yourself, set healthy boundaries and don't feel guilty.

I say - if finances allow - hire someone reputable that can come in and repair the things your mom needs fixed - as she needs it. Then bill you. If you are under threat of suit for theft and in the same breath you are being asked to spend the night to care for your mom - I would not do this unless I had cameras up protecting me. Recording every moment of every day that I am there. Siblings can do things you would never believe they would do. Personally, I would say - stay away- if she is requiring that kind of care - can the family afford an AL facility or qualify for Medicaid?

This is one reason my in-laws moved to an AL facility - they were not able to keep their house repaired, they needed a caregiver at least 12 hours a day. Safety, security. Medications. Nutrition. When we added it up -financially we were paying for an AL facility. So it was an obvious move. It was the best thing that has ever happened to them - they are healthier than ever!

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I would let your sister do it. Eventually, if it is due to her dementia, she’ll accuse her as well. Exactly what happened to me,. My mother forgot her furniture was in her new apartment so accused me of stealing her furniture . That is so far from anything I’d ever do it was ridiculous, much less that the furniture was sitting in her new apartment lol. Eventually, I stayed away and now my sister is supposed to be “stealing her money”.

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You are not crazy!

But your mom has dementia, and has crazy thoughts, which obviously other people have believed.

It happened to our family when my uncle began accusing good neighbors, family members and friends of stealing from him and breaking into his house.

Concern is the first thought of people who care. But when accusations become chronic and wide-spread, it becomes obvious that the accuser needs to be evaluated.

Nothing your mom can do about her disease, but your sister and the court-appointed guardian should be held to a different standard. (Obviously if the guardian is asking for your help again, she realized the accusations were unfounded.)

I am sorry for the pain you and your wife are going through. You were trying to do what was best for your mom and got caught in a web of dementia-fueled delusions.

If you can't let it go, as other posters have said, seems like hiring your own attorney may be a great idea.

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Simple answer - NO, you're not crazy but you will be going crazy if you don't get out of this nasty situation.

Caregivers do not do handywork, nor do they clean house - they caregive the patient.

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You said it! Will get much worse. They just want to take advantage of him. So sad.

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Hi, First let me thank you for stepping up. Please dont take this the wrong way but in our family, In laws and my side- the men all left elder care to the women in the family. They didnt do anything, zero, in any of the issues that were happening, so YOU should be commended, and I DO!

Next, no, your not loosing it. Feeling like your crazy means your actually all caught up in it, to the point where your checking yourself out to see why this situation isnt going better than it is. Your down to feeling like its you that has short comings-because everything else you have tried isnt working.

Stop, its not you. You are up against issues that far surpass what any of us can control. The ones who believe the statements of dementia dont realize whats happening because they are not as far into it as you are. Frankly, sometimes even if XXX steps up and you back off sometimes your still the target, so remember- its far from your control.

I wish I had a sister or brother to share my "crap" with- but I am an only child. We never bonded as mother and daughter from day one and I still knocked the hell out of myself for someone I didnt like at any point in my life. WHY i expected it to change is beyond me, but I did.

Listen to the people on this forum. You went looking for help and found this. The folks on here actually changed me and dare I be honest enough to say they got thru to me when my own friends and family couldn't. This is a no win for any of us, its a mean fact of life and someone gonna get hurt. Find a way to separate this in your head, its the only way to survive it.

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I’m in a similar situation. ( narcissistic, verbally abuse mother) My daughter told me to treat my mother as I would treat someone I met in a business setting. That flipped a switch in me( well, that and therapy lol) . It’s weird but while I protect myself IE never go alone to her apartment, I don’t have the hurt either. It’s been much easier to think of it that way for me

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You are not crazy. Especially since you have already been accused and threatened. Do not change your life to please someone else. It sounds like your Mom has the funds to pay someone to care for her, let her pay for someone to fix the things that need to be fixed. I know I sound cold hearted. But I wish someone would have told me what my life was going to be like 8 years ago when I moved my parents into my house. It has put such a strain mentally on my husband and myself. Don't get me wrong I love my parents, but they expect me to put my life aside for them. Its not fair to myself or my family. Please try to live your own life for yourself and your wife. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR THIS.

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The best way to “save” money is to move into a facility if the person needs 24/7 care. In addition, no home maintenance responsibilities.
Help the guardian by doing the research, avoid getting drawn into the same exact personal situation that did not work out before.

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I just need someone to say I'm not going crazy...

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