Thanks to the advice here, I've watched several videos about dealing with people with dementia. I know you are not supposed to "threaten" them. I don't technically know my mom has dementia. I do know she's had mental issues since the day I was born, and now that she's 82 and decided to be a martyr caring for my dad who is 84 with Parkinsons, she's severely burned out. They have a caregiver 5 days a week full time. The other two days, they "do it on their own." Neither of them will explain to me what they mean when my mom "panics in the morning" when she can't get my dad out of bed. I do know she is a full time PITA to be around or even talk to on the phone. She ABSOLUTELY LOSES her temper whenever my dad spills food - which happens when you have Parkinsons. She's always screaming at him. She also always screams at me. She has said HORRIFIC things to my dad and I. They definitely constitute emotional and mental abuse. I can deal with it, but my poor dad shouldn't have to. She is better when their caregiver is around, but she still sucks overall. A few months ago, their caregiver needed a week off. They didn't tell me this was happening and they were robbed. I did everything I could - filed a police report, comforted them, I even hugged her - but she swiped my hand away. I eventually told them that if they didn't get temporary help, they'd no longer see me or my 8 year old daughter. It worked - after a few days and a lot of yelling. Now their caregiver is going back to her native country for a month in January. I have given my mom a folder of options, which I've also tried discussing with her. The options range from sending my dad to 30 days of respite care at a nice facility (and which is actually cheaper than FT in home care), sending my dad to day care during the day (so she can have a break) and then they can have someone at night and in the mornings when he is at his weakest. I will find the person for her, and have told her it won't be agency prices ($40/hour where we live). She literally threw the folder onto a chair when I handed it to her and said, "I'll think about it." Last week, I asked her if she had looked at the info. She had not. Today, the caregiver told me my mom is planning to "do it all alone" when the caregiver leaves on January 3. I am naturally freaking out and furious. Doing it "on her own" means they'll both die in a tragedy when he falls on top of her, or she'll have a heart attack and he can't even dial a phone so who knows how long it'll take before anyone finds out? Can I tell my mom - who may or may not have dementia, is a lifelong a**hole, and is definitely "stressed as f***" (a direct quote from the caregiver), that if she does not choose one of the options I gave her by December 8th, I will never call or speak to them again. They will not see my daughter on Christmas (a holiday my mom loves even though she's mean as hell during it). And they'll never see us again. Is that a threat? I won't yell. I'll be calm. I feel that I'm just stating the facts calmly, not threatening her. I will also inform her that I will be calling adult protective services. I have a sister, who is "too stressed" to deal with any of this. She'd probably check on them occasionally. I'd be thrilled to be done with the whole thing. I didn't see them on Thanksgiving and it was the best holiday I've had in 48 years. She has POA over my dad and he over her. I made a copy of the POA the last time I was there, and I says "If any agent named by me shall die, become incompetent, resign, refuse to the accept the office of agent or be unavailable, I name the following (each to act alone and successively in the order named) as successors to such agent - and then it lists me first and my sister. I'd be happy to have her declared incompetent (no idea how to do that) or resign. I'm so burned out I'd prefer to resign at the moment.
Since your "ultimatum" worked so well the first time, my vote is to issue mom another one. Let's call it an "ultimatum" and not a threat, because that's what it IS. If she does not utilize one of the very reasonable options you've given her for dad's care while their caregiver is out of town, then you'll have no choice but to call APS and do the rest of what you said. Actions have consequences. Mom hasn't been diagnosed with dementia anyway, and dad deserves to have a decent level of care without being verbally abused, so you're trying to insure he GETS it, that's all.
I wish you the best of luck getting thru to mom, and if not, that a crisis doesn't occur that is deadly to your father.
Mom, I won't keep stepping in to rescue you. I need you to choose one of the options I'm giving you because if you won't I will have to step away in order to protect myself and my family...that will mean I'm going absolutely no contact over the holidays so you won't be seeing or hearing from any of us.
Have you done any work on setting boundaries, or are you familiar with going grey rock?
Whether you call it a threat (I wouldn't, myself) or a boundary or an ultimatum or whatever, the bargain whereby your mother pulls herself together and accepts help or (else) you keep your daughter out of her reach won't accomplish what you actually want: namely, that your parents have adequate, structured support and you and yours have tolerable relationships with them. No matter how calmly you put it, your mother will be antagonised and it will ratchet up the situation; and it is no good saying she shouldn't see it like that, you know that she will. It's hardly worth trying.
Your father is a vulnerable adult. Your mother is free to decline APS advice and intervention on her own behalf, but not on his, not even with POA for him - especially not if she is the potential source of abuse or neglect. If I were you I'd call their advice line, explain your concerns, and highlight that in a month's time they will have no support. With any luck you will at least be given a sympathetic ear and some helpful ideas.
Does your Dad have regular contact with a Parkinson's team? - doctors, nurses, therapists and so on?
Hee. I'm interested that your mother routines heaps verbal abuse on both you and your father, but your reason for posting is anxiety that you might inadvertently be "threatening" a person with dementia. I think it's bad strategy, but I don't think you're the culprit when it comes to bad behaviour.
Decisions like this become overwhelming as people age, and you aren't cognizant of that. Of course it's easier to say she'll just do it on her own.
Just set up another caregiver or respite care and take care of business. TELL her what's going to happen -- don't ask -- then do it.
Threatening to never see her again is childish and endangers your dad.
Consider the idea of simply signing dad up for respite care and taking him there (or having him transported there).
Stop being afraid of your mom. She's a bully, but full of hot air.
Best answer on the thread .
It comes down to, Mom is too old to do this kind of caring. Also, her mental status does not help. If they can afford it, maybe its time for both of them to go into an Assisted living together. Some have rooms with a bath. Some have small apts. The kitchenette and livingroom are one big area with a bedroom and bath separate. There would be a common area to visit with other residents, activities and outtings. You would not have to worry about not having any one on the weekend or taking vacation. Mom would have no responsibility for Dads care. She can come and go as she pleases. This is what my SILs parents did. He had ALZ and she had no health problems. She joined in the activities and outings knowing he was being looked after. There were some couples at my Moms AL too.
Otherwise save your breath until you are able/willing to take action.
Calling APS will at least put your parents on the APS list as vulnerable adults.
It is not likely mom will change her behavior. It is not likely she is able to change her behavior.
A therapist would be good for you and the daughter.
She shouldn’t be subjected to this behavior of witnessing her GP be abused, her GM be out of control and her mother afraid to take action.
You need some clear boundaries and a therapist can help with that. your prob with mom didn’t begin with dads Parkinson’s. Right?
A terrible thing has happened to your dad. He has a bad disease that won’t get better. Mom is toast. You may have to just wait for the accident or illness that lands one or the other in medical care and then let the hospital know they are not safe at home. That may be plan B after the APS call.
Your mom is probably frightened as well. When has mom had a break from feeling like it all depended on her to manage everything?
So, take care of you and daughter. Make a call to APS, step back and notice how you are perhaps behaving in a similar pattern as both dad and mom and see if that is how you want to raise your daughter and live out your life.
I doubt that you mother is able to make decisions like this.
Maybe not due to possible dementia but being a stressed out caregiver (even though she is not a full time 24/7/365 caregiver I still place her in the same category) can wreck havoc on your brain.
As a matter of definition a
"Threat" is a statement of intention to inflict pain, injury or other hostile action on someone in retribution for something done or not done.
an "Ultimatum" is a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations.
What you are proposing is an ultimatum rather than a threat.
While this might be splitting hairs there is a difference.
Is there a possibility that while the caregiver is gone for a month that BOTH your parents go to Assisted Living. Your dad will get the care that he needs and mom will get a break from all the caregiving but she can still "help" if that is her personality. And she can participate in activities and associate with others in a more active setting.
The advantage for you is that you will have the staff that can "evaluate" her over the month and give you another opinion as to mom's status (does she herself need help, is she experiencing cognitive issues)
She may concern to going so they can be together?
Next, get her abusive behavior towards him recorded. Install a camera. You can show it to her if she's in denial about being abusive. You can also take it to the probate court to get a ruled for your POA to become active because she's incompetent.
Your mother no doubt is at the end of her caregiving rope. Understandable. She's an old woman and should not have to be doing it. She's got decades on me and I am so done dealing personally with the needs of the elderly, including my own family. I'm management now.
I think the best bet for them both is an assisted living facility. If she fights you on it, you will probably have to report her abuse to APS and force it on her.
Whatever the reasons, her reluctance to arrange the care Dad needs has consequences for ALL of you.
I am going through something similar.
I am planning a long walk to think it out..
Social Worker told me;
1. Advice. 2. They decide. 3. Consequences are theirs.
But... I think the decider is will the consequences be merely inconvenient or dangerous?
Will they run out of milk & have to put up with black tea or coffee & dry breakfast cereal? Or be unable to walk, toilet, take medications, fix meals? Needing emergency intervention.
It's just not black & white is it?
What would you estimate the danger level for your folks without their caregivers?
Don't wait for an emergency. Call them and establish a relationship with them. When you DO call in am emergency, they'll have all the info handy.
Example, mom starts with her ugly words, you put your hand up and tell her to stop, she continues, you put your hand up and forcefully tell her that's enough, stop. You do this every single time she becomes abusive. If she heads towards you, mom, if you touch me I WILL call the police and I WILL have you arrested, back up. Then follow through, even if it shatters your heart to do so. Getting away with things only emboldens abusers, you do no favors by letting her get away with stuff.
She obviously resents the care your dad requires. Her life didn't turn out the way she expected and she is angry, on top of being a lifelong bully. When you are feeling sorry for your dad remember, she has always been this way and he chose to stay. So, you can't care about their relationship, it is what it has always been. You are now his advocate to ensure his safety and that is a hard place to be in with the situation as it is.
I would have a list of resources for the potential issues and make the calls myself, as needed. When mom calls with a crisis you can tell her you're on it and call the appropriate resource.
Best of luck with this. It is difficult to care for the uncooperative and nasty.