6 yrs ago I moved my mother in with me hoping to "help" her have a more happy and active life. How do I disentangle myself from all this?

It sounds like you have a very clear view of the situation, even if you don't have a diagnosis for your mother.

Continue with the therapist. Listen to her! Think it over and decide whether what she says makes sense to you.

It is VERY encouraging that she isn't a troublemaker or noncooperative in the ALF. It is terrible, of course, that she saves that for you. Detaching more from her might help. She has only been there 2 weeks. It can take a few months to really settle in. You've told her that she can handle these kinds of complaints herself. Now let her.

My mom, in Independent Living and Assisted Living, was as pleasant as the day is long. She'd call us and say "there are ants in my kitchen"; "my lightbulb is out", and host of other complaints.

We said "mom, you have staff to do that. We come to visit, not to do the chores". When she balked, at told her that at $5000 a month, the staff d@mn well better do the simple things that needed doing.

You have a relationship with your mom that is based on drama. Changing your habits and hers is not going to be easy. The only one who you can change is YOU.

Have a script handy for phone calls. "No mom, I couldn't possibly do that". "No mom, I have other plans". "No mom, you call the staff for that". Practice in front of the mirror.

In person, if your mother starts in, get up and say, "I see that you're not feeling happy right now. I'll come back another time". And leave.

If she doesn't have dementia, she might actually learn from this; if she DOES have dementia, at least you won't be subjected to the negative vortex. It takes two to swirl.

Having been through a similar situation with my mother, I can tell you that you are on the right path, and need to give it time and keep working on what you allow of your mother's drama into your life. It takes a lot of resolve and practice to "tune out" of your mother's issues. You have your own life to live, and you know she's safe and well taken care of. Visit her and enjoy your time as best you can, and then live your life to the fullest. You deserve it!

The only thing I can add is this: You can pick your friends but you cannot pick your family.

For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer - family is still family.

Be true to yourself but there is only so much distance you can put between yourself and your mother, regardless of what your therapist says.

owl, as the others said you’ve already done the best and right thing, give it some time to not only settle in for her but for you. After 6 years it’ll take a while to dawn on your physiology that you have far less responsibility on the front lines now. I’m an only child of a borderline mother, too. It’s quite hard. Far as I know, no one with that personality disorder has ever diagnosed themselves - as part of the package, they can’t and will not see it! I have told my mom before, I’m not here to do all the stuff I’m here to oversee the various people who are doing the stuff - which is an ideal and lucky thing to have.

Some days, you just want to spit over having to deal with them. Let yourself vent, and move on. Do more things for yourself now. Love is a ‘many splendored thing’ indeed! We show caring where we don’t really feel affection, it’s a proud thing to do. You are in control, don’t forget that. And you will always decide to protect her. Me, I’d rather she were rude to me vs. the people in the home so they don’t kick her out. ;) Good luck, and a big hug to you!

Sounds like you've done a huge amount, kudos to you, you took her in tried, and as she needed more help, you found it. I have a couple of thoughts though - 1. drop the word "drama". I know it's pervasive, but I find it insulting and prejudicial. Issues come up in life, sometimes people get anxious until they are solved. Saying "drama" invites others to scorn the issues in a way, but I think it's just better to name things differently, and specifically, even when you stay on the right track and tell her to notice where to complain. I find it not so easy in a nursing related residence - ever changing staff, always busy - complaints get lost, cling to their routines, so it sounds as if your mother has talents in complaining and needs to be pushed to use them, and to study where to put them. I've found that if staff write them down it can help!

And I like the suggestions, of dealing with support, friendly but not getting sucked into being the "fixer". Answer, "good idea, Mom, write that on your list for them." And change the subject. Decide for YOU how often you want to visit, and make that a schedule, like twice during the week for 1 hour plus, and a longer weekend one? Making a schedule can help you work on your own life, and also get her used to not expecting you all the time. If she calls you often, let phone stay on answser.

I took care of disabled brother for his adult life, I was the fix it person. I didn't mind, in that I found it all valuable and interesting, and AlAnon taught me the value of detachment, that I can help but not be responsible for results, and it's important to detach. Fact is, I did not know how to have meaning and plan my time and even career focus. I'm learning now, thru Underearners Anonymous! It's not easy or instant to be good at building one's own life. I'm glad I worked in elder care for other seniors, gave me perspective and support. My brother has been in nursing home 10 years now, but on the Res Care (independent) end until two weeks ago with a crisis. There were up and down periods, but mostly up, as he needed the extra care and got used to it. Hang in there, go easy on yourself!

Another book to suggest is Loving Hard to Love Parents by Paul Chavetz. He has strategies to help you deal with her demands, etc. it will save your sanity when you realize you don’t have to problem solve but can use the therapeutic fib. Also repeat the phrase "I’m responsible to but not FOR my mother". Glad to know you got her into AL. Although I don’t understand how she could be managing her own meds as that is the job of AL. In our state the resident can not even have an aspirin bottle or Tylenol in their apartment as staff needs to dose out anything the resident requires and chart exactly what they’re taking. Regardless..your mom is playing you like a fiddle as she’s been able to do it her whole life. You no longer need to enable her. Take back your life and repeat the mantra above. Good luck!!

Owlshart, your therapist doesn't sound like a very good one. Most aren't, in my experience.

It is very useful to try to figure out what 's wrong with someone whose behavior has deeply affected you. Reading books, articles and websites has helped me vastly more than counseling to understand my personality-disordered parents, that what they did wasn't my fault and how to protect myself from them. Self-study provide access to the best counselors and knowledge for free and while sitting in your comfortable chair.

Your mother was so messed up that you had to go live with relatives, so something is definitely the matter with her. You are justified in backing away from her. She won't care a whit anyways.

Please protect yourself as you would your child or pet from now on.

Are you the only family she has? Where is your father.

Try to understand your mother and what made her the way she is. It’s the only pathway to compassion. Having said that, whether or not she has a personality disorder, there should be boundaries. If she is still paying her own bills, etc., she can handle her own customer complaints. Don’t fall into this trap —she is triangulating to make the staff see YOU as the problem while maintaining that she is the sweetest person ever. Don’t let her take you down that road. Once it starts, the process is repeated over and over again, but only if it is successful.
The right thing to do is to be her daughter —do the things she cannot, but get some good gel on setting boundaries because she is going to need more and more legitimate help and her demands will suck the life out of you and absorb your life into hers. If this sounds daunting—it is. Get professional advice —learn to set your own boundaries and stick to them, kindly but firmly. If it doesn’t work and you’re at your wits end, take some time off. She has a whole staff looking out for her needs you do not.

You have received excellent advice. Follow it!.

You've gotten lots of good advice. I just wanted to give you big kudos for working hard to understand what's going on with your mom and actively working to change your relationship. As others have said, it's not going to be easy given the life-long grooming you've had. But you've taken HUGE steps towards changing your relationship, starting with moving your mom into assisted living. Most children with a probable BPD mom wouldn't get that far. So give yourself lots of credit and love and keep working towards your own happiness. I'm happy for you.

You are absolutely and positively not alone. My own mother was paranoid, dramatic, self-centered and a martyr. She started out at the home as one of their most pleasant patients, even though suffice it to be said she was not that way to me. In addition, my husband’s health was declining and I am also his caregiver. In reference to my mother, I had confidence that it was a good facility. I visited often and came to know and like the staff and visa versa. I’ve said before here that when I left after a visit listening to Mom’s dramatic complaints, I actually physically waded up an imaginary paper and threw it in the trash can outside the front door. Those were her “complaints”, the imaginary ones. That way, I was the “good daughter”and listened to and sympathized with her but didn't let it control my life.

I don't know how religious you are, but the bible does say forgiveness is 70x7 in a day. I say this because I have been wronged so by family and I allow my faith to let it run off. People know when they get old. They are scared. Leave your Mother there. Maybe you can mend your relationship now. Being the "only" is just as hard as being the "only" that gives a dam. Maintain a POA for her because in a blink of an eye their situation can change. I really think it was their "era" to just be a bear. Don't rule out bipolarism. Although they have changed the title over the decades, manic depressive, etc. it is still a chemical imbalance that I have to remind myself of because we can let our emotions run amuck and be hurt. I say this because my mother can be a bwitch yet company comes it's like a switch gets turned off and she is a Saint. I remind her during her bad days she can go to sleep tonight in a nursing home, put on something on her tv and let her think about it. My mother is incontinent, in a wheelchair, won't change her tv channel, call people, I have to cut up her food, bathe her. At the end of the day, I'm good. Good luck to you.

I am so sorry of your situation similar to mine, and so discouraging. Hang in there. So sorry.

I agree with Barb's and others' responses:

You cannot change anyone else, you can only change yourself.

In your case, this would mean forgetting trying to label anything or anyone and work on altering your response to whatever she dishes out. Labeling does not change anything and does not really matter. She is what she is and you know that. Changing your behavior in response to things she says or does is not easy, but small steps owlshart, small steps!! It becomes easier each time. Use the old count to 10 before responding to give yourself a moment to compose a response and if she still dishes out crap, leave.

As for therapist comment to "be happy & live in the moment", as you well know this is not always easy, but if you practice altering your responses to her "drama", you will find happier moments in your own life. Leave her "drama" in the trash by the door!

Also as Barb suggests and you attempted, maybe one more time (I always give someone a second chance, just in case they did not understand the first time!) if she complains about the place, direct her to document and report it and drop the subject. If she won't drop it, check watch and say oops, I forgot I have an appointment coming up, gotta run and EXIT STAGE LEFT!!! Or use Barb's suggestion of stating what HER behavior is leading to (I see you are not happy, so I will come back later, with you leaving asap.) The good news, as someone else pointed out, is that she is NOT a problem child in the facility - THAT would compound things!

Like others, my mom behaves one way when no one else is around and as sweet as pie to others! I brought some larger clothes to try on as they told me hers were getting tight. When she asked why I brought the clothes and I told her this, she got all huffy! I shoved the box and tote of stuff I brought to try into one of her closets and shut the door. I sent an email reply to the one who reported the issue and suggested they can try each day as they try to dress her to siphon out what is too tight and try some of these other clothes. Set aside what does not fit and I will take it to a donation place!

Your profile does not indicate dementia of any kind, so she'll either catch on or she won't. If she does, perhaps she will learn to treat YOU as an adult, with some respect (I told my son and his friends who whined about not being treated as adults when they were maybe 18 or 19, but had done something a 10 year old might do, that I DID try to treat them as adults, but this behavior was NOT adult and I find myself hard pressed to treat you as adults if you are going to behave like children!!) When she says she should be treated the adult that she is, I would not hesitate to tell her to pull up her panties and act like one, AND tell her that YOU should also be treated like the adult you are! Any flak back, exit the building. If she does not learn, well your visits will become shorter and shorter and less frequent!! You really have NO obligation to visit and/or help her and should never feel guilty if those visits do dwindle because of her behavior. You do it because it is the right thing to do, but don't force yourself to make regular visits if she doesn't catch on. Even if you must take over POA duties, that does NOT require frequent (or any) visits!!

Please look out for yourself and do not worry about her and her issues!

she sounds like a  narcissist. everyone sees the mask. you see the problems in back of it. either way, my mom was similar. I hated she was in the home, but by the end, was the only way to deal with her. She would never ask the help for things, dump it on me. Usually I would just relay it. If it got done, fine, if not, she never remembered. Sadly though, a lot of it was just plain forgetting to ask the help when they were in her room. So, she screwed up the tv? I'd just switch it back. But after a short while I would not show her how to do it. She just didn't 'get' it and/or forgot. I for one do not believe in this 'famblee' garbage. My mom had calmed way down in the intervening years that I was gone out of the house. However, where there's toxic family, I would not hesitate dumping them and going 'no contact'. My mom did that with some extended relatives years ago. Don't miss a BLOODY DAMN THING about them. I just wish she could have done the same thing with her own mother. Just tell her where to have gone. Because she did not, it cost the lives of 3 cats.

owlshart: Back your vehicle out of that negative driveway. Sorry, that is not meant to be acrimonious, but is there really any light at the end of the tunnel? Continue with the therapist.

Thank you one & all for all your suggestions & feedback. To Harpcat:Loving Hard to Love Parents is my next book after finishing Adult Children of BPD parent! To Davina:spot on about talk therapy vs reading book, web search & such. I've gotten so many good pointers from the current book I'm reading. I'm reading it to expand my knowledge of how better to deal with MY inner turmoil, how to set boundaries & to try to resolve issues as opposed to "placing labels" on anyone so that I can be a better person. To Isabelsdaughter:my mother divorced my father before I was 2yrs old. He died when I was about 5yrs old. The only other family is her brother (my uncle). He lives 600 miles away. He & my aunt are dealing with assisting her 100yr old mother. I have a half brother but he was raised by his father after a nasty divorce & as a result are estranged from him. As a result of my mother's mental illness she has gradually isolated herself to the point where the only time she'd get out was if I drove her. She refused my help with trying to find her any kind of mental health therapy. It's like the old saying, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make then drink!" What I found so very frustrating to live with was watching her mental illness manifest as physical disabilities. Again I tried to coach her, support her, encourage her to follow a more healthy lifestyle. Not by nagging but by trying to talk to her as adult to adult. Suggested we try the "buddy system" approach to some positive changes. She would often rationalize her behavior as to why she couldn't do anything different. I feel like I understand her behavior. I've been able to talk to people who knew her since she was a kid. But knowing some of her history & having an understanding didn't/doesn't make watching her slow decline any easier. Her inability to nurture & protect me thru my childhood trauma doesn't help either. I feel sorry for her in a way because she's a lost soul. I am sometimes saddened that I couldn't help her see the joy & wonders of Living. I'm still working at not feeling guilty about how things are. I remind myself that we each have our own path to walk. We make our own choices in this life & are responsible for the consequences of those choices. At 61 yrs old it's time for me to nurture & love the little girl in me. And be the Best that I can Be!

Owlshart....You’ve done nothing to feel guilty for. She’s in a good and safe place. You should feel happy about that, not guilt. You did the best you could up to a point until it became difficult due to HER..not you. I agree with your comment on the little girl being loved by you. Also...let the little girl say all the things she wished she could have said to her mom. Say them out loud in private. Yell all you want to. You’d be surprised how good that feels and how effective it is. And then say out loud that she doesn’t get to hurt you anymore and that you take back your power and control. It is emancipating. Hugs to you.

My fil has dementia but has always been difficult and abusive long story short as soon as he starts getting ugly I leave, if he calls and is ugly I tell him I have to leave he's like what do you mean you have to leave. It changes his thought process from being ugly to wondering how I can leave a phone conversation. He has now figured out (when he's not in dementia mode) that I will cook clean do laundry and everything else they need done as long as he is civil but I will not take his abuse!!

The things I read on these posts are the life experiences that were often kept hidden from the outside world. Though no one can really emotionally walk in anyone's shoes, we can relate and commiserate with each other and in this way bear one another's burden. My mother was diagnosed early in her life with manic depression because her symptoms when she had an episode were so severe that she had to be hospitalized. I remember clearly her first one when I was about 4 years old. Unlike you, I had 4 siblings and a functioning, raging alcoholic father. Over the course of my life she was hospitalized countless times. I remember when I was 5, she had an episode while my father was overseas and we were almost placed in foster care, but some neighbors stepped in until my dad could be sent home. When she returned she would be a little shaky, emotionally and there would follow several months or even a year of sanity in which she was a sweet, loving, affectionate mother. It was truly a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde situation. I recall at the age of 38 telling a therapist friend how difficult it was for me to function as a normal person and she said "Is it any wonder? Look at how you grew up!". After years and years of taking care of both my parents, my siblings have taken the steps to arrange for their care in a nursing home (they are far beyond being eligible for assisted living). My mother is there now and hopefully my father will join her soon. I visit her there often and she does the same thing as your mother, complaining, manipulation and guilt tripping. It is hard to know when she is telling the truth about some "rough" treatment or if she is manipulating me to take her out of there. Some days she is pleasant, but I never know what mood she will be in.
How do you reclaim the childhood and parenting you never had? Of course, you don't, but today well-lived has the power to work backwards in time and heal some of the trauma. Over the years I have found healing and support through a therapist (short term, because I realized I was paying someone to hear me chase my tail, with no clear steps to getting better), 12 step groups, (cheaper and oh so much more effective at helping people to recover), and above all a deepening faith in Jesus. Being a Christian doesn't make me a perfect person, it just means that I came to a point that I was tired of living and being in the world as I was, and I was in need of a Savior, so I accepted Jesus and the free gift of eternal salvation. My eternity doesn't start after death, I am already living it.

In a sense one can reclaim one's childhood and the parenting one did not get by now treating oneself like the parent you did not have would have treated you. In other words, re-parent yourself by being a good parent to you. Some therapists are good at doing this as well.