Dad and 91 year old Mom live alone in their own home. His delusions focus on Mom and are painful for her to hear. He has always been stubborn, but is pretty argumentative now. He refuses any testing or medication because he believes there is nothing wrong. What’s my next step? Mom’s doc gave her anti-depressants to help her cope. I’m stuck and trying to support them emotionally is wearing me out. I live in CA and they are in VA. Help!
Your father sounds a bit like my husband. My dh does not remember later the crazy things he says. His words are very hurtful, and reminding myself that it is the dementia speaking really doesn't take away the sting. I was offered anti-depressants by my doctor and I told her that I was not medicating me because of my husband's problems. Do the meds really do anything to help your mom? It doesn't change her situation in any way so I question why she should be taking them.
Two days ago I repeated back to my husband something he had said to me last week while in the hospital when no one else was around to hear. (He is always "charming and funny, an entertainer, the star of the show" when others are around, they think he is just the greatest guy ever, the nurses said his room was the best room to come into that week because he was such a jokester.) I repeated back to him the name he called me (not suitable to post) when he demanded my presence (he is a very controlling man), I said, "Well, here's your '*** ****-*** South Mountain *****,' " he looked at me with shock and said I should never speak of myself that way. I looked at him and said, "Why not? That's what you called me last week." He denied it of course.
I have no doubt that he doesn't remember saying these things, just as he doesn't remember many other things. And he creates memories of things that never happened, which sounds like what your father is doing. Or accuses me of things that I have not done. All said with a quiet voice, seldom is he loud. (Except when preaching [he used to be a pastor], then he could really yell the judgment and condemnation. I was never sure why people liked his messages. I always felt like a bucket of manure had been dumped over me every week.) Verbal abuse can be done in a quiet voice. Your mom is being verbally abused.
Unlike your mom, I would be glad to be separated from my husband. I had my chances over the years and didn't take them.
No one answered your question about what APS is. Adult Protective Services.
1) use an agency to provide in-home care or a companion to your dad so that he is distracted. I use Visiting Angels (a national franchise) and have been very pleased, but it may take more than 1 person to find the right "fit" or schedule.
2) see if your mom is willing to move with your dad into a care community that has a continuum of care levels and on-staff medical team. He will be distracted and she can escape his delusions within their residential wing,
Is your dad "sundowning"? Are his delusions mostly late in the day or early evening? Is your mom on board with solutions of any kind? If she isn't wiling and flexible you'll be banging your head against a wall.
Do you have the contact info for their neighbors so they can give you an honest assessment of what's going on?
Your dad won't level out, he will continue to decline. If you can't get your mom to agree to reasonable solutions then you will need to let the chips fall where they may until there is an "incident" that sets other wheels in motion. I don't say this flippantly -- I totally understand getting an even bigger knot in the stomach over this thought.
I manage care for 2 very senior aunts who are 1000 miles away. After making no headway with getting them to accept much needed care I finally just asked what I could take off their plate to make their life better, rather than trying to force my solution onto them. When they were ready for the type of help they desired, they called me up and I had already done all the research on an agency. But waiting for them to come around was so incredibly frustrating and stressful. I wish you much success in finding solutions, and peace in your heart no matter how things unfold.
You're not being overly sensitive. You need support and kindness right now. Having done the Cali to the east coast thing before going (granted, being there was way worse - but this isn't a competition on what's more stressful), I also know it can be very stressful having to deal with things from a distance.
Last thing probably answered already: APS is Adult Protective Services.
Sending you strength and validation.
Have you considered getting mom and dad to go TOGETHER to see a geriatric psychiatrist? Under the heading "therapeutic fib", they go together to see if there is help for mom's problem.
This allows the doc to examine the extent of dad's delusional thinking and give advice (to wife and child) about how to manage this awful situation.
On a side note, I hope that mom IS taking advantage of the antidepressants AND talk therapy. Living with an insane person takes a toll on one's mental health and mom needs all the support she can get.
Those of us who have been in this sort of situation can tell you that is usually NOT the impaired person who goes to therapy/gets meds; it's the "healthy" one.
At least in cases in which the healthy partner is not willing or able to leave the toxic situation.
1. POA for healthcare.
2. MD diagnosis - incapacitated = cannot make own health care decisions.
This is quite common (I'm going through it now).
You need to talk to attorney in elder law / health care issues and MD.
Councelling for Mom - so she can learn to understand it, start to grieve, adapt to now & plan for the future. All important things.
To also learn to ignore any hurtful delusional talk & see it for what it is - symptoms of his brain problem. To get a safety net around her, an emergency plan of who & how to get help if needed strait away. This is most important: to be wary of situations of stubbornness escalating into violence. Eg a close neighbour she can run to & call EMS.
It's a big shift in a marriage, going from spouse to carer. That's what my Dad said 😞.
It can also be a big shift in thinking for adult children too. Doing what is NEEDED for Dad, rather than what he wants. He may not WANT a neuro psych eval, medication or in-home helpers - but those things will help him stay in his home, with his wife for much longer. Sadly, he may not grasp this. So make it simple for him "See the Doctor & follow his/her orders. It will help Mom.
Unless your mom is decades younger than your dad, she may be developing physical manifestations.
Can you hire help? Even if she is physically strong, to keep her emotional bearings and protect her health, she needs mental breaks.
Can you arrange for someone for her to talk with? Support groups, friends or family, in person or via zoom will be her lifeline.
Before Covid, Mom’s church paired her with a young family for support. She would take the mother to lunch and they became wonderful friends.
If your mom is isolated and/or has few of these options available, consider moving her close to you.
Your time together is precious and irreplaceable.
Doesn't Dad have a regular Dr's Check up? If so, speak to him before the appointment to let him know what's going on.
It could be Dementia.
Also, if your Dad has a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) or if he is dehydrated that can be causes of his mood changes
The way to get that is use the contact with police during the next outburst of threats of violence or actual
violence for a 72 Hr civil commitment hold. The police may choose this rather than domestic violence related charges and a trip to jail when they have reason to believe the issue may be medically driven. Ignoring this issue is not an option...secretly sedating him without a medical exam is abusive IMHO...your mother needs direct help before her life and health is damaged or destroyed.