Hi everyone, I'm so glad I found you. I have a long back story, but the main question is: do I remind my dementia/ Alzheimer's grandmother that her husband passed away?
Here's the back story: My grandfather passed this past Feb (gram was with him when he passed). He was her primary caregiver - she's had dementia for about 6 or 7 years now. Progressively getting worse. Grandpa didn't want to upset the balance by making her get a diagnosis until 2018 (when she got a UTI and broke her hip in a rage incident). So, she's not been properly medicated. He passed away and I was the only one that would take guardianship (also, I'm really the only one she trusts - Grandpa loved his whole family, but he knew that my 17 yo son and I were the only ones she would allow to visit and help caregive). Anyways, COVID hit right after I was granted guardian and conservator, we kept gram at home until Nov, when she had a little fall and I opted to (with the full support of everyone in my family) bring her to AL.
Now that she's in the AL - it's been about 8 weeks - she forgot her husband passed away. So I made this canvas picture "In loving memory" with dates of grandpa's birth, passing, and his photo to hang in her room. The owners of the AL are discouraging me from bringing it in, probably to not upset the balance they are finally getting, and are instead asking me to go along with her believing he is still alive. But she is also getting agitated that he's not there, he doesn't call, etc. I could really use some advice. I just keep telling her the long-distance is out, there's a pandemic - he can't fly in, etc.
I would love to see your “in loving memory” creation. I can imagine it's beautiful. Is there any way you can remove the dates? If your mom would see those dates that could create some confusion for her. I think you could hang the picture minus the dates. You could tell her that he wants ( using present tense, not past) her to have it in her room.
As far as telling her that he died, there's no point in that. She won't remember you told her and will ask again and again where he is. She could become very confused and deny his death. Besides being creative with your memory picture, you now must become creative in your responses to your mom's questions. You might ask her when the last time she saw him was and reply with something like “that was a while ago”. Ask her to tell you about that time. Don't get into a prolonged conversation. Distract her by suggesting going for a walk or doing something else.
If she’s “agitated”, say “He had to go to the (store, shoemaker’s, bank, Church, etc.) today so he couldn’t come with me”. If she asks again in 5 minutes, answer in a similar way.
Phone call? “....having the phone fixed....”
Not a lot of detail, just enough to give her a chance to hopefully move on to a different subject. If she doesn’t remember that he’s dead, it’s fruitless to try to impress upon her that he is.
SO - what you’re doing now is allowing her to live without the discomfort of his loss. I think you should do as the AL staff is recommending. There really is nothing to be gained for her by doing otherwise.
She’s so fortunate that you’re there for her.
Pictures are great. I would forego the "in memory" bit
If she asks about him you can say
"he can't visit now"
"he is away"
If you tell her that he has died she will relive the death as if it is the first time she is hearing about it. Sort of like Groundhog Day every time (excepts she can not improve events surrounding)
If your grandmother fully took on board what was happening last year when her husband passed away - did she? - then I should think the current situation is that she is generally disoriented and it will take time for her settle back down. At that point, if you still feel that it is both possible to be truthful with her, then you can broach the subject and get a feel for what information she is able to handle. I wouldn't go straight in there with the full display, I'd ask questions and talk around the subject so that you can see where her memory is at on a given day.
So what I'm suggesting is that it's the fall (and possibly the fall's cause) and the move to AL that has thrown her out of whack, more than that she's plain forgotten that her husband died. Wait and see, preferably until you're able to talk with her face to face once again; and meanwhile I'd also work with the AL to discourage them from elaborating her false memories. Going along with her belief in the moment is one thing, but actively encouraging it shouldn't be necessary and I hope they're not doing that.
That would mean they would have to re live the death over and over again.
Just bring a regular picture of the two of them to put in her room.
Go along with whatever she says and make excuses of why he isn't there or just tell her he's coming because she won't remember she asked anyway so redirect her conversation to anything else.
God bless, and take the advice of the AL they have dealt and seen all these things before, listen to their wisdom and then ask yourself what would you like to remember about your loved ones.
Kudos to you for taking on the responsibility of overseeing your grandmother's well-being. Best wishes on this journey.
The picture/memorial OP made for grandma sounds really nice, but what the AL staff said is probably the best way to handle it. If she's just "coming around", you don't want anything that might set her back,
Always have some plausible excuse in your back pocket, for where he might be at the moment. Make sure it would mesh with "reality" for grandma - working, getting car repaired, shopping for supplies, etc. Then also have topics in your pocket, that you can try to change her focus with. Ask about various times in her past, in the old days, vacations, other family, etc. If you can push the 'needle' off the 'scratch', you can help her move onto something else, until the next scratch comes along!
Reminders of some things are okay. Reminders of something that will likely be painful and will never be a happy place are best avoided. We can't bend them back into our reality, we have to learn to delve into theirs!
My grandmother had a period when she would talk about a family feed from before I was ever born. She would say how mad she was at a couple of family members. The first time of 2, I had her describe the incident and her feelings about it. Then, I helped her to remember the last time she saw those family members and how they had a good time together. I ended with reminder she that we needed to "forgive them." After the first 2 times, I would just cut to reminding her that we decided to "forgive them" and moved onto other topics and activities. Something similar might be helpful in your situation,
I showed this picture to mom and she spent quite a bit of time looking from bottom to top, and back. Finally, she looked up at me and said "can I hold hands with him?" I drew stick arms on DAD, reaching down to mom. Then I drew stick arms on MOM, reaching up to dad, and joined their hands. She studied it, then her eyes twinkled and a huge smile came across her face. She finally got it, She wanted the drawing on the wall so she could see it any time she wanted. Her whole personality got happier, and she never asked about Dad again.
It worked for me, it might be worth a try for you.
Best wishes.
For my mom, if she asks, I choose to tell her that her husband died. I told her one time that her brother died but never mentioned it again. I never told her when her son, my brother, died. She has never asked about him. Best wishes Julia. Please make your decisions on how you feel. Then try not to second guess yourself.
Hearing "bad" news is painful, and with dementia you would end up hearing that bad news over and over again, as you can't retain the "new" information. As time goes on, she will regress further, and may even ask about her own mother or father. My mother was early 90s when dementia developed, and her first "step down" in time was about 9 months after moving to MC (prior to that it was other issues, repeating herself, misplacing items, being unable to cook or manage finances.) The step down, or rather back, took her to about 40 years ago. I would be an adult at that time, and visited enough that she still knew who I was, but to her, her mother was alive and not long after she brought up a sister. Comments about her were also pegged in the 40+ years ago time frame. Whenever she asked if I'd seen or heard from anyone, I would just say not recently. Then she'd go on about whoever it was in her mind at the time. Just go with the flow then, so long as you can distract her from being agitated that her husband isn't there.
Apparently everyone says I look just like my mom when she was younger.
Im not ok with pretending to be my mother. That’s incredibly creepy. So I will be reminding him that I’m not mom. Sorry.
Again, I really appreciate every one of your responses.