Mom is 90, my sister (supposedly her live-in caregiver) says mom has dementia, but sister has also been a colossal liar and abuser in the past. No worries, we're going through proper channels (that I learned here on this forum to make sure mom is safe and ultimately receiving proper care). If you're interested, read my other thread about "How do I know if it's elder abuse?"
While waiting for APS to act, and really, seriously wanting to give my sister every possible benefit of the doubt, what would be any reason any of you would:
1. selectively block some friends and family from talking to the patient on the phone
2. Take away the elder's phone when it's been discovered she'd been conversing with the people you've blocked?
A little background on me:
I cared for my husband's elderly grandma before she died (had medical diagnosis of dementia along with other health problems) and I never took away her phone (I got her a bigger phone with a larger screen), welcomed everyone who wanted to see her and we even drove to visit her friends/relatives anytime she wanted it and felt up to it.
My mind is boggled on this. The grandma (died at 93) was even a mean dementia patient where, if my mom truly has it, has always shown (to me) to be pleasant, cordial and brilliant.
Two entirely different approaches. I have my suspicions, but I'd really like to know who has or would block access and what benefit it would have for the patient.
Like I said, just asking questions until APS does their thing and hoping/praying the result is mom is getting good care and support. I 1000% am not saying my method is better than hers. I'm just trying to understand it as a legitimate care practice.
This seems like a moot point anyway since your mother lives with your sister and you have no ability to remove her phone or block anyone from calling her anyway.
I also wouldn't rely on APS to do much of anything to help you here, unless they find a truly horrifying situation going on at your sister's house and in-your-face negligence towards your mother on her part. Otherwise, they'll say everything appears in order and close the case.
If you wind up getting your sister removed from caring for mom and want to block her from talking to mom in the future, I assume it would be because she has been abusive towards her. I guess just play it by ear and then DO block her from speaking to mom moving forward. The goal is always to keep mom's best interest at heart, nothing more, which can be a tricky road to navigate.
I hope your mom IS getting good care and support and you won't wind up having to take any measures to block anyone. I also hope APS goes out there soon to do an assessment and that you keep us apprised of the situation. Fingers crossed for you that there's a good outcome.
As for blocking certain people, yes, I blocked a couple of people from having access to my mother mostly for their own protection. One woman in particular considered my mom her lifelong friend, but Mom considered the woman a 70-year-long pain in the backside. She always tolerated her "friend," but as dementia set in, Mom's filter on her opinions disappeared and I knew the friend would be devastated if Mom blurted out what she really thought of her. I kept the friend up to date on Mom's condition and just told her that she couldn't hear well enough to talk on the phone (mostly true) and could no longer comprehend a disembodied voice on the phone was someone she knew (completely true).
So yes, there are times when blocking access to some people is called for. Most people do it if the callers tend to upset the person with dementia, but I did it to keep from upsetting the one who didn't have it.
2. Yes, I would have taken away the elder's phone if I discovered she was following the instructions of a scammer or a "dear friend" who keeps asking to come over or needing money. In my case, even though my Mom's number was on the "do not call" registry, the number of sales calls and calls that rang with no one on the other side, were just too many interruptions in a day.
Good luck!
It wasn’t until a year later when I hired a lawyer & found out why. He had taken her to a lawyer & had her amend her trust leaving everything to him 100% instead of the 50/50 split she had for 20 years.
He was afraid with her dementia that she would tell me. Best of luck to you
DH’s aunt was concerned about her sister. DH’s mother is manipulative and difficult. She would have latched on to her sister and nephew and sister and insisted on being removed from the assisted living facility.
It had taken a great deal of effort to arrange for her to go to the ALF from a hoarder house, then a temporary stay at a hotel, and a stay with her sister that didn’t work well to have her move to the ALF.
Once the reasons were explained, my husband’s cousin agreed that he and his mother would not visit her.
My MIL was not provided a phone when she moved into the ALF because she would call the police due to delusions.
She did borrow a cellphone from a neighbor and called her nephew, DH’s cousin, to pick her up. He called my husband, who told him not to do it, because he’d have the same problems he had before with her and that we all did not want to go through with that again.
My MIL could not remember my husband’s phone number because we had eliminated our home # and now only have cell phones.
She doesn’t receive any visitors beyond the staff of the facility because the visits would only aggravate her. As far as she is concerned, it is better that all the people who put her in the ALF disappear. We do follow up on her care, check with the staff on her health and make sure she has what she needs. Better no contact than to cause misery.
Her sister wishes she could see her, but the answer is always no. It is sad.
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