Mom and I didn’t have a good relationship. I had four brothers and I was the only, eldest girl. Mom, born in China, didn’t have a relationship with her mom. I had lots of responsibility to care for my brothers.
Mom wasn’t the loving, caring mother. Maybe she never felt that when growing up.
As she got older, her selfishness, and meanness was increased. I tried to do the best for her. When she was diagnosed with Dementia and Alzheimer’s, I took over finding care at her home. When her illness became worse, I found her a memory care facility after visiting seven different ones.
It was hard because she didn’t want to be there. She became combative and violent. Finally, she settled into her new home. Of course she blamed me for being placed with a bunch of “crazy people”. She hated me and was vocal about that. When I visited, she wanted to know about her houses, stocks, and bank accounts.
When I was diagnosed with epilepsy, I tried not to think about her, but I am her POA and Trustee. I still dealt with clearing her hoarding filled homes, selling one and renting the other. It took my husband and I 6 months to clear out, repair and replace appliances in order to rent. It had been empty for 4 years!
Did the same with her last home. At least she has money to pay for her care.
I deal with all her financial matters, and that was a nightmare! So hopefully you can see why I’m so stressed with the thought of seeing her.
What can or what should I do for Christmas?
Thank you for letting me vent. This is just a small part of what I’m going through.
Give your mother a call on the 23 or the 24th. Let her know that you will NOT be able to call her on the 25th. That is YOUR time with your own family. There are days when you need to see her or take care of things for her, but you also need to take well-deserved breaks from your job as a caregiver and take care of your family and especially your own health.
Ask your brothers to step in. This is NOT just a daughter's responsibility. There are things they can do such as calling or stopping in for a visit. If something happens to you, they will have to take over what you are doing so they need to be familiar with things.
God Bless You.
My father gave me some advice when I was younger. I asked him why he went to Mass every Sunday with my mom when he really didn’t believe in God. He said he went because he loved my mom and to keep peace in a marriage. What was one hour a week to bring my mom happiness. They were married 60 years and In the end he found God.
I have a bigger question for you, though. Where are your brothers in the care of your mother? Why are you doing it all? If it is causing you this much emotional strain and harm, it is time they stepped up and helped you.I was in a similar boat and after much grief I eventually handed some of the responsibilities off to a different sibling.
I hope you are able to find peace and joy this season. Merry Christmas.
Stay home.
Epilepsy is NOT something to be messed with (speaking from personal experience). Time to step way back and focus on your own health.
Next, you need to see your mom as a woman with a serious illness that affects her mind. Her brain is broken and won't get better. In face, it will only get worse. Try to see her for a short time to visit. Try to see with eyes that see the brokenness and fear she experiences. She is trying to control a world that is increasingly scary and difficult to understand. Try finding compassion for the woman she is now and not the difficult woman she was in the past.
I understand when the crazy becomes too much. Had to stop seeing my mother every Christmas as it took too heavy a toll on my health.
But now that she is gone, wish I had found more ways to get past crazy and spend time.
Good luck to you.
Nothing is going to change, so why put yourself through all that. Enjoy your day with your family, at peace. Call her if you need too.
You are not alone. I too "used" to go through a scenario similar, until I didn't. I choose NOT to allow my mother's toxic ways to be near my family. I choose NOT to let her dictate what time of day we should celebrate dinner, opening the presents etc. The day I decided enough was enough was the day I felt "Free".
Sure, it was different without her at first, but I still delivered her food, desert and a gift. She always left our home after she had eaten anyway. She stayed at the most 15 minutes. She never stayed long to enjoy any of us. I somehow felt "used" and tortured at the same time from all her demands for the Christmas dinner she was invited too.
I learned to embrace my Peace of Mind. Peace and Tranquility for my small family of 3. To this day because of her becoming even more Toxic she is not invited over to our home. She can't play nice, then she can be toxic somewhere else.
She hasn't been clinically diagnosed with dementia but her memory is slipping. It took me 2yrs to get her into a luxury Independent Living retirement home. She will move in 12-20-2021. I do continue to help her but I know when I need a "break" from her daily Toxic self.
It's unfortunate, I am an only child. I just want to be friends with her but, there is no pleasing a toxic, dictating, narcissus person. I love her for giving me life, but I love myself more to detach myself and family from. Time is short, she's 80 yrs old now. Some days I still see my mother, but it's not often. I miss my mother. I'm not sure who I am dealing with anymore, but it's not someone who loves and cares for me, yet I am still around.
Give yourself permission to Give yourself a much-needed Break. Enjoy yourself with your family. Learn how to "exit" from your phone calls, quickly with respect of course.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Angel from The Bay, CA
I was always a complete nervous wreck walking on eggshells hoping she wouldn't say anything that would embarrass me such as a derogatory remark towards my wife or son.
My question is where are your brothers and why aren’t they stepping up. You need them to help. Tell, don’t ask, them it is time for them to help. In a big way so you can step away from your mother and take care of your own health. Shame on your brothers for not being there. And if they don’t feel the shame they should, REMIND them.
And you, young lady, need to stop letting a bitter, vindictive woman and selfish, thoughtless brothers run your life. Chinese women are known to live very long lives and if you do not stand up and say “Enough!” She may outlive you… and that would make me very sad. You have given enough, you owe her nothing more, step away from the stress, please.
love and light
Ask her doctor or nurse practioner about something to calm her agitation.
In the way to my mom's often I take a tylenol or something that helps to relax me. I also listen to gospel music or scriptures on the radio.
Sister and I are ready to move mom to assisted living because she is alone too often in her apartment. She needs supervision( been missing meds) but also needs socialization. Her primary is on board with the move and she knows it.
After my mom's heart attack she had to be in rehab. She blamed me and told me she hated me as if it was my decision.
For Christmas husband and I are eating lunch on Christmas eve with mom. Pick a day that is convenient for you and your husband. We are picking up takeout meals for mom ,85, and his ,92, year old aunt. Both have dementia. Aunt will eat with her sitter for the day because as you understand no one else in family wants to
mess up their holiday plans. We gave our Thanksgiving to both ladies as well.
These times are very hard and no one understands better than this forum.
Please take care of yourself.
We cannot be everywhere and do all things. We are seniors trying to care for sick, much older seniors. It sure gets old and exhausting.
Sometimes my mom will say something to really make me angry. She can be mean and hurtful, so sometimes I stay away for a week or so, then she's sweet as pie.