I’m caring for my children’s grandmother ( my boy friend's mother) for almost two years! My bf and I are about 20 years apart! And when his mother became ill with dementia, I became her caregiver, because I was not working at the time! Since then my life had became about her! Mind you I am about 700 miles away from all of my family, and his family is about 500 miles away. My bf feels since he works he doesn’t have to help me with his mother! I miss my life before her! I can’t do anything without taking her with me! I can’t be active in school activities for my 7 and 3 years! I also want to get out the house to work and meet new people! I have no help and started to see a therapist, who says I am stressed and depressed! I become frustrated and take it out on my loved ones! I’m also going to school online, my grades have took a plunge since she’s been in my home! I believe she is a health hazard especially to my children! She's gross and leaves disgusting things in the ONLY bathroom in the house, she hides trash and food in her room! I have a panic attack everything, I see sh@t on the toilet! She also has become physically and verbally abusive to my girls! I tell my bf about it and makes it seem as if it’s their fault for the treatment they receive! He’s in very much denial! I just want my life, peace-of-mind, my HOUSE back! I tell him from time to time that I don’t want to do it anymore but tells me that basically I'm not trying hard enough, and guilts me into continuing caring for his mother! I’m starting to resent him! Any suggestions?
Your man friend is using you.
You cannot allow your girls to be abused. I would tell your boyfriend that you cannot continue like this and suggest you all work together to get some help.
Social services can guide you as far as applying for Medicaid and other resources that might be available depending on her financial situation.
Please do take care of you and your girls. I know grandmother has dementia, but they (and you) do not deserve to be abused in any form, especially now that it has turned physical. You owe it to you and your children to keep them safe first and foremost.
An appropriate care facility would be able to evaluate her and would have the appropriate staff to be able to adjust her medication and tend to her care needs.
" Yes, what about YOUR mom? If our 7 year old talks to anyone at school about how she's treated by grandma, CPS will be called and we'll lose the kids to foster care. It's time for you to make other arrangements".
The way I see it:
Your jobS: 2 full time and one part-time: 24/7 caretaker of his mom, and 24/7 caretaker of your children, and caretaker of the house.
His job: 1 full time outside job. Period.
Your pay: $0.00. Zero, zip, nada, since whatever little pay you receive goes right back to paying for his mom's expenses.
Time to END this. TELL him you will no longer do the 24/7 caretaker job. He and his siblings find another place to care for his mother. She can go live with her daughter.
If he tells you he's working to provide for you and the kids, tell him: you're WORKING to take care of HIS kids and the house. Ask him how much does he think it costs to have a live in nannyhousekeeper? That's how much you deserve in pay because he will have to pay that if you weren't around.
As a health-aide, the average pay is $20/hr. To have someone 24/7, it will cost $480/day for 3 people to come and take care of his mom. You are only one person. He's making you do a job of 3 people, plus take care of your kids and the house. Back to the costs, how much is the sister paying you? Anywhere close to $480/day? Tell him, he can pay his sister to take care of their own mother.
Your option if he doesn't want to do anything:
--Pack your things and your kids and move back to your mother for awhile. Tell him, he will have to provide child support to his kids, and find someone else to take care of his mother. You can look for a parttime/fulltime job to support yourself while going to school at night or from home to get a better job. If need be, apply for government assistance to get you through this period. After you finish your school in a few years, you will be able to get a better paying job and support yourself and your kids. A better future than the no-life 24/7 caregiver job you currently have and will have for who knows how many years. Many people do this, so can you.
Be strong for yourself and your kids.
Come back here with questions, and we'll be glad to answer and help you.
When I finally got to my mom her house was filthy and feet were gross. I love her immensely, but that's what illness can make them become. And I know you understand where I'm coming from.
May I ask you if the children are your boyfriends? If so, explain to him you will not allow anyone to abuse your babies.
If he can't/won't get her placed in the appropriate facility, for her need level, tell him you will, will then call social services asap. If he won't do it for you and his kids, they both need to go. Make the call and pack his bags.
Good luck Love, let us know how it goes. Please don't be run off of here. You did come to the right place (hugz)
Youre depressed and stressed? Yes so would any of us be. You need help. (Not snarky/judgy comments). There is no shame in that...it’s a sign of love that you want a better situation for your girls AND grandma, and you recognize that it takes more than one person can handle 24/7 with no help. Take a proactive step and call your Area agency on aging, or the Alzheimer association. I think you will feel better just making the phone calls, and then taking action. You are being taken advantage of by the bf. But you are letting him do it for whatever reason(s). I once heard, you can’t be a doormat unless you lay down. Start standing up. Please make some phone calls.
.....
He says WHAT????
Whose mom, remind me?
Fume, seethe.
Right. A few questions.
Is he literally or effectively paying you any kind of salary or caregiver's allowance? Do you have any income of your own?
What about mother, does she have her own income?
The point being, that care COSTS. And it either costs what gets paid to hired in-home caregivers, or the caregiver (usually the lady) of the household effectively subsidises everybody else by providing this WORK free of charge.
Do you mind if I ask how old you are, Shop? Did you miss out on your first go-round of education opportunities for some reason?
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