I think my Mother has lied to hospital about me and abuse, can anyone help?
Hello,
First let me give a little context. I am an only child. I was treated badly growing up, verbally and emotionally abused and basically raised myself- Mother’s an alcoholic ( dry now)- mean lady- from Maryland & the perfect narcissist- no dad I moved out at 17. I’m a nurse. I work full time + Throughout the years, my mother and I got along ONLY IF we saw each other for short periods of time. In 2015 she had a bad accident and I was there to assist her. I was looking at homes for sale 2 -3 years ago and she said “ why don’t you buy mine”? It was almost paid off and I took OVER what was owed + the equity owed , combined it all. End of October 2020 changed everything. She had a stroke. After a few months of therapy she was well enough to come home BUT not be alone. I work full time so this is what I did : I changed my life: since she can’t go upstairs I bought an electric hospital bed and created a bedroom downstairs- I organized all meds- I hired nurses to come in a draw blood, I had home PT and OT for 3 months- I downloaded several cognitive games for her to keep her mind sharp,etc- I hired aides for 12 hours a week ( while I work ) at 29.00 an HOUR ( 920.00 every 2 weeks) - I TOOK ON ALL BILLS - even hers since the stroke . I pay for all food too- what she pays is the aide and her supplement health insurance- THAT'S IT - now mind you, THATS S LOT! But I PAY EVERY BILL . I make her meals, I bathe her, I assist dressing her, I pay for all pads and diapers ( as she is now incontinent ) I give her all medications, I keep tract of her anticoagulant issues/testing, I dress her, buy all her clothes- do all laundry- clean the house,etc. Basically , she orders around from her wheelchair- even when her aides tell me she is walking with a walker ! I feel I care for her well- treating her with dignity when she poops on the floor by accident claiming it was the cat. ( even with poop smeared all over the bed). I have 2 different agencies in here to assist with care 4 days a week. They all know she is difficult.
Now what brings me to writing this.
2-3 weeks ago my Mother fell and hit the back of her head- I called 911- ER took a cat scan , no bleeding- they sent her home- about a week later she is complaining of L hip
pain- crying day after day but is refusing to go to ER- we have had fight after fight about going ( oh! Did I mention she has Dementia AND CHF? ) yes, she does- she forgets she eats, the time of day,etc. ( for example I’ve gotten several call at 4 am asking if I’m going to be home from work soon) - 2 days ago I have been hearing her wheeze- her lungs sound awful and her Oxygen level drops to the low 80’s in less than one minute - she wear O2 100% of the time . I have BEGGED her to have her leg and chest assessed and was met with refusal each time. Yesterday I was done- I said YOU ARE GOING and I called an ambulance. She said “ YOU JUST WAIT” “ YOU'LL GET YOURS” that was it- until the EMT’s were here- “ she doesn’t feed me” she said sadly,crying- “ she won’t give me my medicine”- “she won’t give me my clothes” all to which I said- “Mom, just stop it. I know you’re angry”
My mother left for the hospital- I have called ALL NIGHT with no answers- FINALLY at 0800 the employee says “ you need to call after 1200 to speak to her nurse or MD” I was SO worried !
at 1200 I called back : “ IM SORRY, I CANNOT GIVE YOU ANY INFORMATION on M*** B*** “ click. I call back “ HELLO??? What does that even mean”?? Is she ok? What’s going on???” Click
I call back “ look, I don’t know what’s been said or what’s going on but who can I talk too”? I COULDN'T BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT THEY SAID NEXT” IM SORRY, THERE IS NO M*** B*** HERE AT THIS HOSPITAL “ click.
I am so hurt. I don’t know what SHE SAID, what the EMT said… nothing!
I DONT KNOW WHO TO CALL NEXT
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT
I CANT EVEN FIND A PERSON TO TALK TO ME AT HOSPITAL.
HAS ANYONE BEEN THROUGH THIS? SIMILAR? FALSELY ACCUSED?
Can anyone
29 Answers
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You’ve worked your butt off trying to be the best daughter in the world so that she will FINALLY love and respect you, but did it work? Or are you just her doormat?
Where she is - wherever she is - she’s being cared for, so you don’t need to worry. Time to look after yourself for a bit, and maybe, when they ask you if you want her back, consider saying no.
I don’t know why we as grown children feel so honorbound to put up with all our abusive parent’s crap when we don’t have to. You don’t have to. YOU are important, too!
If the hospital tries to release her to you tell them its an unsafe discharge. That you can no longer care for her. That if need be, the State can take over her care.
Stand strong. Your Mom has gone over the line and if u take her back she will think she has won and your life will be so much worse. This is ur chance to get out from under her thumb.
Where I live, the local Hospital is small. So those with head injuries and heart problems are transferred to another Hospital. So try nearby ones if rehab does not work out.
Do you have POA? To be honest your Mom needs 24/7 care. With Dementia she will only need more and more care. With your history and now this, I would allow the State to take over. They can get her placed a lot quicker than u can.
Has anyone been through this, i.e. a situation where a lady in her eighties with multiple comorbidities, in pain, angry and frightened and now in hospital makes false accusations against her primary caregiver? - for sure, anyone working in older adults' medicine will have come across it time after time. So relax. As a mandated reporter yourself, you know that accusations have to be taken at face value *at first*. Then they are investigated, and then a true account is reached.
You are hurt, and you also must be frightened not only because of what your mother might have said but also because she's injured and you can't find out what's going on. Unfortunately there is nothing to be done about that until you can get hold of the right people, which won't be until office hours at the earliest.
So, somehow, try to get some sleep.
"Good morning, this is Worn Out. My mother, Mrs Out has dementia and was taken by ambulance yesterday to St. Vitus hospital due to a possible hip fracture and low oxygen. She was agitated and angry because she didn't want me to call the EMTs; she made some pretty egregious and untrue accusations in front of the crew. I'm an RN and I know they take this stuff seriously. I've called the hospital several times but they are refusing to let me know my mom's condition. I'm her POA and I'm very worried.
Can you help us?"
Get some sleep. ((((Hugs))))
Your next steps (after some sleep, possibly plus a doctor’s visit to get some emergency sleeping pills) should probably be:
a) To put it in writing to the hospital that you cannot and will not take her back as it would be an unsafe discharge for both of you.
b) To check with a lawyer to be sure that the house that you ‘took over’ is now in your name, not still in your mother’s name, or to sort that out if it hasn't happened.
c) To stop worrying about the long term for your mother. If you do not take her back, the SW at the hospital will have to place her. Eventually you will be able to go and see her, and make whatever peace you can. In the very unlikely event that she has walked out and died somewhere of exposure, she will have made her own decision to go to whatever future life she believes in.
d) To contact any other relatives or friends to ask if they have any news of her, and to put your problem to them. They might be allowed to visit her and give you some information, but the main reason to call is to avoid getting blamed yourself, based on the lies.
Best wishes!
it is terribly hurtful to be accused when you have worked so hard. Give yourself great credit for your past forgiveness and efforts.
After this experience resolves —and it will— keep a fair distance from her crosshairs for your self-preservation.
Sometimes we focus to correct those most difficult relationships in our lives in an attempt to find inner peace. Go through the maze backwards now - if spending time with your mother gives you inner peace, proceed cautiously. If however, you just feel angst, accept that you have already done your best, and done much more than many would attempt.
When that happens say that she is not safe at home and that she can not be discharged to home. You can not care for her in a safe manner.
She has obviously changed the HIPAA form so no information can be released to you or to anyone that she has not designated.
If she had a "formal" diagnosis of dementia then she should not have been able to sign any forms. If you do have anywhere in any of her medical information that she has dementia then I would bring that to the hospital. If you do not have POA and she does have dementia I would suggest that If you do not want to continue with this and care for her talk to the Hospital Social Worker and say that she needs a Guardian and you can not take on that role. The Court will then appoint a Guardian for her and at that point you will not have anything to say about her care, where she goes after discharge from the hospital.
You have already done yeoman's work and are under no obligation to provide hands-on caregiving. You are not responsible for her happiness. Please read the posts on this forum under the topic "Burnout"...you are heading in that direction voluntarily. Please stop and assess things: how you are orbiting around her at the cost of everything in your life (and again, it can get worse!) Please read the cautionary tales from people who have walked in those shoes and paid the price. May you gain clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions about your future.
Another potential problem - I'm not sure, from the way the original post is written, that the home is now legally owned by the OP...if it's still her mom's house, there's no way to keep mom out. The OP, can of course, move herself out and refuse to be the caregiver going forward, but if the house is still *legally* in her mom's name, she might have to seek other living arrangements.
I have an aunt from whom I am estranged and I dread the day when someone tracks me down and wants me to pick her up from a hospital or I find out someone called the police on her (again) and I'm expected to show up and fix it.
I cringe when I'm in a hospital or other facility and I overhear the words "May I have the name of a family member I can call?" Most of the time, it's simply the logical thing to do. Call the family and let them know where their loved one is. But there are also many cases where that "family member" getting the call is really in for an impossible journey.
If you have DPOA that will be an Avenue should you want to pursue it but at the moment from the staff perspective even if she gave you Health Care Proxy or HIPPA clearance in the past she can revoke it or simply say no when asked if they can update you now, at least in many states. They are probably still figuring out the situation and if your mom presents the way it sounds they may determine she isn’t capable of making good decisions right now and go to her listed contacts and authorities from the last time she was there (I’m assuming it’s the same hospital). For now however agree or not the staff has to abide by her wishes as long as she’s able to express them, continuing to call them in a panic may not help your cause if she is telling tales, getting to know her will.
If I were you I would need the advice to make sure all your legal ducks are in order concerning the house.
Call the main patient number as any friend would and see if she is registered at least that way you will know if she is indeed in the hospital and probably if she was and then was released (boggles the mind but you never know) because they often say oh she was released…
If you have been involved with all of her doctors as it sounds like you would be try calling her primary’s office to see what they know about her status. They have a relationship with you and with your mom and probably still have the authorization to communicate with you so even if they haven’t been notified (not unlikely) that she’s in the hospital they can go get the info and give you a synopsis. If you have DPOA and want it activated they might be the ones to help you meet the requirements, then again the hospital might be too if she isn’t being cooperative about what she needs.
Consider however wether or not you really want to do that because once you do you take on greater responsibility and likely fight from her. If they feel she’s capable and willing to release her on her own while we all know it isn’t best for her, you might want to let that happen as long as all your house ducks are in order.
Your mom has always been difficult, your relationship strained at best, her behavior is only going to get worse as she progresses if it’s her nature anyway so you might need to let her make poor decisions for herself if that’s what she wants to do. You have made yourself way more available than you needed to, taken more abuse than many would and you need to take your power back. Providing the house is in your name and not hers you have that power, you can say yes or no to her coming back. When she finds she needs you again to survive gently but firmly remind her and yourself that you do that on your terms not hers and if you decide it’s just too much for you that’s ok, you can be willing to help her get placed and take care of her affairs ongoing or not, your terms.
I feel for you, I feel your panic and I think things will come into better focus, you will be able to work the problem one step at a time once you find a way to calm down, let yourself off the hook and lower the level of panic to concern. Sending you strength..
My daughter always gets results when she wears her scrubs. Professional courtesy.
As a Nurse you know the chain of command. Try the DON, then up the ladder. She/he has a boss.
If it helps you take back a feeling of control, let the hospital do their thing while you get your ducks in a row - have your legal paperwork/paperwork showing dementia diagnosis/etc. ready in case anyone asks. If you have an attorney, have their number ready as well, or even call them just to let them know what is going on. And begin a conversation with yourself about how much longer you can handle this, as opposed to handing it over to someone else - a facility, another guardian for her, whatever. You don't NEED to take this all on yourself, and if she has lost faith with you and wants to cut ties so badly, then maybe turning it over to someone neutral is better for all involved.
We are telling you to make a pre-emptive phone call because in all likelihood, the EMTs would have had to have reported what they heard to APS.
I always think it plays better if you get to present your evidence first.
I wrote you a script. Use it if yoy like.
Had this happen when my mom was taken to the hospital. EMTs were all nice and everything, but seeing her medical report later, they stated she looked unkempt with dirty hair and clothes and may be a victim of elder abuse. Ironically the same report said she was well nourished, communicative, and aware of her surroundings.
Has any of her meds changed?
Its awful - I know when my mom has a uti and says the craziest things how awful they feel.
Breathe - you know you haven’t done anything wrong. You said the caregivers have seen some as well. I’m assuming the hospital will be testing her for many things - and may even start to see some of the problems. Hopefully this will lead to answers that they can begin to help her with. 🌷
BEFORE her stroke, we decided how we were splitting the bills between us- SHE was to pay the property taxes until I take over the equity ,etc and refinance the equity line and remaining mortgage- taxes are around 3600/ yearly- we pay semiannual.
I got a “tax sale” BILL yesterday- SHE LIED AND NEVER PAID LAST YEARS ( half the year) taxes and if not paid by 8/31 it goes into tax sale- period- I was on the phone forever and I can either charge 3600 or pay in CASH the past due 1800- I now have to take this out of the bank and pay it tomorrow. I am furious- all I’ve been told is that it was paid . This was 6 months before her stroke- she knew she was lying to me. What we agreed to do was ( since I’m refinancing the equity and last 10,000 of mortgage) we would use that equity line for the taxes until I refinance. She didn’t hold up her end - then, when I called Rocket about the refinance I was told that it wasn’t ONLY the equity and rest of mortgage consolidated but that she had called a while back inquiring about adding ALL her credit cards too be consolidated and FOR ME TO ASSUME responsibility of too!!!! I was floored. I said NO. NO. NO. I can only guess that’s why she didn’t get upset when I told her I cant pay her credit cards and all the bills - etc…. That I will pay ALL HOUSE bills but not her credit cards - with each passing hour , more and more I don’t understand! SHE probably thought all her CC would become MY problem.
now….. the last thing I’ve heard is that the DOCTOR will call me. Why? To come get her? NO. I cant. Not now. Not after all this. I’m very hurt but AT LEAST I feel I’m starting to put myself first!
It seems as though you are seeing the situation for its reality. It’s such a hard thing to bear.
Best wishes to you.
Cheering you on!
I that's good news.
For APS:
"Good morning, this is Worn Out. My mother, Mrs Out has dementia and was taken by ambulance yesterday to St. Vitus hospital due to a possible hip fracture and low oxygen. She was agitated and angry because she didn't want me to call the EMTs; she made some pretty egregious and untrue accusations in front of the crew. I'm an RN and I know they take this stuff seriously. I've called the hospital several times but they are refusing to let me know my mom's condition. I'm her POA and I'm very worried.
Can you help us?"
However, it doesn't appear that the hospital is refusing to talk to you.
You are clearly upset and have every right to be. But you need to gether your thoughts to talk to the doc/sw/ APS.
Make a bulleted list of your mom's difficulties-- medical, psychiatric and and self care.
I am of the opinion that your mom has developed dementia, as a result of her stroke. Please mention that possibility to the doctor.
getting her 15 minutes of glory as her proxy- I swear my mother name her/ did that even on purpose just to hurt me.
"WornOut54 - Stop. Breathe. Stop moving, stop reacting, for about half an hour. You said you are an RN. Put on a calm, professional, clinical demeanor.
Then *write down* a bullet point list of the things you described here with no emotion in the descriptions at all, just facts and details. Write down a list of contacts and caregivers who work with your mother and can back what you say. THEN call the APS or other authorities and explain you are worried your impaired mother is saying delusional (or dementia-related) things that could harm her. Your concern is about *her* when you talk to them. Brush off, at least for now, anything they say about her statements explaining her impaired mental state. Be calm and controlled."
Respond. Don't react. Take control of the situation and leave emotion out of it as best you can for now.
This is hard, but you can do it.
I'm praying for you right now.
Let us know how the phone call with APS goes.
This sucks that you are being put through the wringer by your mother. And worse that because both yours and her name is on the house that you are probably stuck if she comes home. I am hoping she gets placed in a facility after this. Tell them there is no one to care for her round the clock. Withdraw all financial support for home health aides and try and nurture and heal yourself from this latest attack by her.
Most of all do not bail her out of the decisions she has made in the hospital to spite you. She made her bed and it's time she lays in it.
You may have to consult and elder attorny about the house.
https://www.agingcare.com/Questions/rights-accused-elderly-abuse-220888.htm