Hi!! Have a great weekend!! I’ve been thinking…
(Sometimes) People should plan better for old age, for example Parkinson’s.
Let me explain what I mean. I have a friend whose father has Parkinson’s (no dementia). The Parkinson’s started 15 years ago.
So why didn’t the person plan better? He knew he’d have trouble later in life.
He planned nothing (he does have money).
I think if it had been me, I would plan, for example:
in the future I’ll need special furniture, etc.
The Parkinson’s didn’t suddenly appear now.
There were 15 years for him to plan.
He wants to stay home. No problem, ok.
He has money, ok.
But it’s his 4 sons who’ve had to run around: setting up special furniture, hired caregivers, etc., etc.
Thanks in advance for your opinions!
Don’t you also feel that someone who’s had an illness for a while, and who’s mentally ok, could have planned better?
Edit:
Adding here:
The person is mentally ok. He continues to write and publish political books; the person can do finances, etc.
Though they were doing OK my parents both continued working, living below their means, saving and saving hard, coupon clipping. They were in the depression, my Dad able to work through it and supporting much of his sibling and families. They took pride in growing gardens, in canning, in helping others, and in SAVING. they didn't know HOW to waste food.
It kind of came to my bro and me in the genes. We never needed to spend to enjoy life. We saved. This is the ONLY way (and all the better if you are smart enough to invest in real property) one can save to stay safe.
Sadly, it isn't as open to people as it once was, I think, given now people seem to need to work two jobs to live.
But quite honestly, we were always the LAST to have the newest things, including a TV. It wasn't privation. It was a simple gentle loving way of life. I wouldn't have traded game nights for a TV.
We were taught to save early with these little account books all our own, taught to share, taught to give, and taught to SAVE.
When my brother fell ill and had to go into ALF he had two beautiful rooms and the last of his treasured collections around him. And you know, he STILL saved. So funny. I was his Trustee and POA and he had one small spending account of his own with 5,000. When he died two years later it had only GROWN to 7,000.00. Was just his way of life. Sold a couple of his last treasures and tucked the money away. I kept telling him "Hon, you are going to be 85. Even if they throw you in memory care it's real unlikely you can outlive your money". But he was just a saver. It was what he DID. And too late to change I guess.
That said, nobody can 'plan' for diseases to hit. I'm 65 in July and have no idea if I'll get cancer or Parkinson's or Alzheimer's, who knows??? And in reality, who knows what kind of 'special furniture' anyone is going to need? I can go out and buy wheelchairs, walkers, zero-gravity recliners, adjustable beds, but in the end, my house will look like a medical supply warehouse and I may never need ANY of those things, or worse yet, I may need entirely different medical equipment than what I bought!
Some planning is good, and other things just have to wait for the issue to hit before it's dealt with, in my opinion.
I see what you mean.
But please understand, this isn't a case of not knowing the disease will hit you.
The person has had Parkinson's for 15 years.
Never panned a single thing.
Tell his grown sons that failure to plan on dad's part, doesn't create an emergency for them. And, No! It is a complete sentence, they can absolutely tell him No!
This part however is tricky:
“Tell his grown sons that failure to plan on dad's part, doesn't create an emergency for them. And, No! It is a complete sentence, they can absolutely tell him No!”
Their father makes no plans.
The consequences, emergencies, problems, stress, inevitably land on the 4 sons’ shoulders.
The sons aren’t going to abandon their father.
They tried tough love.
The father makes no plans, buys no necessary equipment. 15 years.
So the sons buy it (with father’s money). If the sons don’t take action, even more stress will land on the sons.
The father had 15 years to make gradual plans, here and there. Did nothing.
I do see your point clearly though:
“Tell his grown sons that failure to plan on dad's part, doesn't create an emergency for them. And, No! It is a complete sentence, they can absolutely tell him No!”
I wish everyone a very good weekend! And thank you for all your replies!
With this man, its his attitude. People like this think it will all work out. Especially when 4 sons jump at his every command. He doesn't need to worry because the sons are there to prevent it. The sons need to set boundries. Maybe a little tough love. They are disabling him if they are doing for him what he is capable of doing for himself. I am not beyond a little threat. "Dad if u don't get rid of that chair you are going to have a nasty fall and end up in an AL because...we are not going to physically care for you"
Trouble is that when I was 12, anyone over 20 was over the hill, and I am sure all those happily pottering around in their 70's and 80's would reevaluate their views from 30 years prior. It's all relative and in the eye of the beholder and I think we are all guilty of ignoring what is unpleasant (if undeniable) at times and working around the problem until there is no alternative.
Perhaps we could look at this a little more pragmatically...
Should I have planned for losing hair and getting a transplant organised? No, although terrifying as a young person, my mind adapted with age (and besides, all my friends were bald, so at least I would fit in!).
Should I have chopped down that beautiful big tree in my yard, knowing it could kill the grass or upset my foundations? Maybe, but it rewarded me with many glorious days sitting beneath it's boughs, housed wild animals and been a blessing in the summer.
Should I not consume alcohol or processed foods considering I might get cancer? Definitely, but everything in moderation might ease my conscience if I do.
Should I not cross the street lest some truck be bearing down on me? Hm, how far should we prepare??
I guess we all have that bridge to cross and it is entirely up to us to determine our lives (including what we choose to ignore). It would be fair to say that decline is assured for all lucky enough to live that long (modern medicine has a lot to answer for!).
Once we reach that point, let's hope we don't give a damn either way and can depart on our own terms, happy in the knowledge that we made the call.
Younger people establishing poor spending patterns can become older people w/o adequate funding sources.
No, please understand, the person is mentally ok.
The person continues to write and publish political books; the person can do finances, etc.
Agatha Christie, with dementia, wrote books for years into her diagnosis. The sons should look into neuropsych testing. My bet is that his executive functioning ability is shot.
Doctors decided:
no decline.
Again, it’s the sons who regularly organize check-ups with neurologists. They test physically/mentally every time.
Really-
the father is mentally ok.
Not everyone wants to plan, even when they know they have an illness; even when they can see physically they’re having trouble.
Some people prefer other people (sons) deal with the messes every time. Emergency, stress.
How about preventing?
Planning?
Making the house safer?
But if you're actually thinking in terms of change then the sons do need to stop volunteering and start responding to these emergencies differently.
Not volunteering to be somebody's front line support when they have every means of sorting themselves out but choose instead to take advantage of your good nature is not "abandoning" nor is it "refusing to help." It's called not being a sucker. And it's up to them.
I’m not just venting.
I had a specific question: posted above.
“Not volunteering to be somebody's front line support when they have every means of sorting themselves out but choose instead to take advantage of your good nature is not "abandoning" nor is it "refusing to help." It's called not being a sucker.”
I totally see your point, and I’ll show my friend your paragraph.
Reading your responses to all others who answered this thread of yours leads me to posit that sometimes when we "vent" about something that has already happened it is more of a "rant" than a vent.
Too late now to "punish" Dad for his lack of having understood the parable of the Grasshopper and the Ant. Your thread may not be a "vent", but of course that is the name you chose for yourself. You thread is certainly not a "real" question, because when something has happened already it doesn't matter our answers or opinions.
I am not certain if you came for our opinions or to argue with us.
Many feel as you do. Just as many feel we cannot predict the world and life well enough to cover all the bases. And it isn't as though you can show our answers to others who suggest you help your Dad to excuse the fact that you don't wish to do so.
It's up to you how much you assist, what manner you can "help", and whether you wish to help at all. No one here will judge you. We see outpourings all the time from siblings posting "How can I make my siblings help take care of ________". And from second wives saying "How can I make his children help me". And we always have to answer "You can't".
So YOU have a great Saturday. And know that as long as we are humans we will each decide differently what to do with our own life, and we will each end taking the responsibility for the outcome in one way or another, no matter what we chose.
And it won't matter a fig about the judgement of any of the rest of us.
Interesting question, though, and I hope next time you will put it in discussions so that it has a long long life.
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