I took care of my mom for 5 yrs as she developed dementia. I frequently begged my older sister or my son to watch her for the weekend. No one helped me. Then my son suggested me & mom move to the same city he & his family were moving to. I agreed. Mom went down earlier. I was supposed to continue paying her bills since I was living in her house. Within a week my son had a PoA & Healthcare PoA drawnup and he and his gf changed all her passwords on financial accounts. Ever since we have been fighting. I am on disability so I don't have much money. He is supposed to be paying her bills but I'm getting calls to pay $400 to restore her power, notifications he didn't pay the mortgage or the car payment. The car is actually mine. Mom sold it to me but my son used the money for something else. She took money from her investmemts to pay it again & that money 'disappeared' when he got it. He didn't pay off the loan. Every 3 months I have to literally beg him to pay the late payments on the car so they don't repose it.
Now my mom is in a nursing home & I am moving out of her home soon so we can sell it. First my son starts saying crazy & conflicting things about her investments. Then suddenly he claimed she owed double on the house due to an equity loan from 2015. Then it was a reverse mortgage. I know what she had & owed in April 2023. I paid her bills, did her taxes & still get all her mail. I keep telling him and my sister that there is no way she had these debts. I know she had money. But my son claims I'm wrong. How could I pay her bills for 5 years, never see 1 thing about the extra loan on the house, obviously not pay the bill that I didn't get yet the mortgage company didn't say anything for 5 yrs???
When he put her into a nursing home if I questioned anything he got mad. At one point, in a fit of anger, he said I had no right to have input or opinions about her care. Recently he mentioned he & my sister making a couple of decisions about mom. I was like 'back up, why am I not being included in these decisions about mom's care'? his excuse was that he was the PoA & my sister was the executor of the will. My mom is still alive so what does the will have anything to do with her current care? This was not a financial matter so the PoA shit didn't matter either. Basically he was saying that since I didn't have these titles I had no say in her care. My sister is the executer cuz she is 4 yrs older. I never pushed to be her PoA on paper because she gave me free access to her monthly money. I didn't touch her investmemts other than filing her taxes. I trusted my son and sister to work with me while mom was alive because it was just the three of us. Now the battles I hear friends taking about involving big families and wills have already started. My sister knows my son is being shady but I can't talk to her about it because 'it upsets her". If I bring it up with my son we fight. Mentally & physically it would be better for me to just back off. Force my sister to step up or whatever. But once my mom's house sells, she has no more assets except the investments my son claim are barely there compared to what I know they were. So my mom's money could disappear. Demanding an explanation or accounting in a year just proves he mishandled the money. We can't undo it and get the money back. She can't afford her nursing home just on social security. I just don't what to do. I have no say so in anything.
My dad died at 59 after a month long stay in a hospital. Everyone shut me out because my golddigging step monster was his next of kin. One time I spent 6 hours in the middle of the night watching him struggling to breathe due to pneumonia and pulmonary embolisms but I didn't have the authority to demand they ventilate him & put him in the ICU. I was paralyzed then and now. I honestly thought since my parents had 2 daughters we would be the ones to make medical/financial decisions. I was wrong.
Sorry this is so long. I have no one to vent to
From what you have written, it appears your son has covered his bases on making sure he had access to your mom’s assets. I’m sorry he has your car wrapped up in this mess to top things off. Hind site being 2020, when you bought the car, too bad you weren’t handling the car payment yourself and paid it off and gotten the title in your name.
Usually when someone’s stories don’t make sense it is because they are lying. But you already know that. Any remedy you might be entitled to would most likely require you to file charges against your son, call in APS etc., and I don’t see you doing that.
You are correct, your sister has no standing except as an executor of a will that probably won’t need filing as he will have taken all assets.
I’m sorry this has happened to your mom, that she evidently trusted him to take care of her assets. Perhaps she signed those documents after she was diagnosed and they are fraudulent? I sure hope he doesn’t implicate you when Medicaid turns her down for having “gifted” her assets to him.
“Mentally & physically it would be better for me to just back off.” This is true and no you have no rights unless you bring in the law and win. Are you still planning to move where your family is living? That would be a tough decision. I’m sorry for your troubles.
You can vent her anytime.
No I am moving pretty much as far away as I am now. You're right - I don't want legal action against my son. I think I have to tell my sister everything, step back, and let her handle it. I'm not getting anywhere with it anyway.
If your Mom isn't competent to make her own decisions now then her POA is in charge of all of it.
If you suspect financial fraud or elder abuse on the part of the POA you should call APS and discuss all of this with them. Ask that they open a case to examine her POA and suggest to them that there may be fraud going on.
If that doesn't work, unfortunately you are stuck with an attorney who will ask the court to examine all of the records of the current POA.
You may want to tell the son that you are thinking of seeing an elder law attorney who can subpoena all of his records. Tell him that the only way you will NOT do this is if he shows you he is keeping honest and complete records on your mother and protecting, not spending her money. If he is honest he may prove to you his excellent record keeping; I was POA for my brother and would have been proud to show my record keeping to another relative. If he still refuses, you will need to start saving for an attorney. This will NOT get the records for you, but it will have him answer to the court that he is keeping meticulous records on your mom's behalf and the court will reassure you that he is acting as a fiduciary who is able and can be trusted.
Now you say you were paying everything for your mother and that you currently are using her car, and living in her home or she sold said car to you, so in this case you better have EXCELLENT RECORDS OF YOUR OWN, because son may claim that he is rescuing your mom and her finances from YOU.
Good luck.
You should have just taken over the car payments or paid directly to the finance company. Do you have a bill of sale from Mom?
Move out and let things fall into place. You know a NH costs 10k a month. Money goes fast. If your son is stealing from his grandmother, it will come out when he tries to get her Medicaid. Then he will be responsible for her care when she is penalized.
Answer to ur question, No you have no rights. The POAnis not obligated to give you any info.
I think you are going to need to let it go. Let him sell the house. You find a nice place to live. Let him bury himself, because it will happen. If ur sister is Executor, when Mom passes, she has a right to ask for an accting of where Moms money went. You as a beneficiary can request an accounting.
"If your Mom had Dementia when son got POA, it maybe illegal because people with Dementia cannot assign someone."
If it's not legal and she didn't have a POA before, but had a will and Healthcare POA that names my older sister as the primary and me as secondary plus we are her only children, does that mean my sister could get the POA? I am so confused about 'next of kin'. That's why my sister and I were blocked with my dad's medical, because my stepmother was his next of kin. Are my sister and I both next of kin or my sister then me? I'm not worried if my sister takes over.
Its so terrible that it's me, my son and sister fighting about my mom. I don't want to lose my son over this but my mom is the vulnerable one. I love my son so much but I can't let him do this. I know he is good and loving to her in person. Thankfully, she doesn't know what he's doing. She adores my son. It would break her heart to know. I just wish my sister would step up since my son is more scared of her and actually listens to her. Hopefully when he goes to sell the house my sister will get more involved because if I hear her say one more time "let's not keep rehashing it. Mom made him PoA so we can't do anything" I am going to scream. I think she is butthurt that mom did that when my sister was always the responsible party for it all. I am 4.5 yrs younger and both my parents were old fashion and did this kind of legal stuff as spouse, oldest kid, then youngest kid. I never cared because i trusted my sister to do the same things I would have done. When I was caring for mom I was always in the room with her for dr appts(by her request) and all of her doctors knew to get the full details from me. But I dont know if I can give authorization in a medical emergency situation just because i am her daughter. I didnt change the Healthcare POA since I assumed as the backup I could give authorization if my sister wasn't there. I need to find out what legal rights I have for her medically since i am not a backup anymore. I don't care about who has financial control as long as they do right by my mom but I do want some rights medically if I don't agree with them about her care. I had to watch my dad die without any say in his treatment and I have always felt like I failed him. Now it's happening again.
Sorry- another wordy post
IMO, anyone that knows that a senior is being robbed and does nothing, is just a guilty as the person taking the money.
Sounds like your mom needs non family members to watch out for her best interests.
No, not legally.
Please understand that we on this forum are aware that we are getting only your side of the story.
Facility care is very expensive. Your Mom's money will likely "disappear", as do most peoples' who require ongoing care. When people aren't given information (like you) they tend to imagine all sorts of acts and intentions -- none of which may be true. If you believe your son is financially abusing your Mom (which is basically what you are insinuating) then take the evidence to an elder law attorney. This lawyer will assess whether you have a winnable case or not. It will be expensive. And if you lose you may need to pay for the defendent's legal fees as well. You will need a judge to assign you guardianship in order to be your Mom's legal representative.
In your post it seems you were asking for or expecting caregiving help from your sister and son. But you cannot assume someone into a caregiving role. They are under no obligation to do it. Maybe they realized you, being disabled, were not keeping up with your Mom's needs. If this is the case, him taking over and making decisions was the right thing to do. Maybe it just shocked (and insulted) you because it's not what you were expecting?
It's not uncommon for adult children to make a lot of assumptions when it comes to managing their parents' affairs -- many don't realize they need a PoA or don't think it's important, etc. I'm sorry you have found out the hard way and am truly sorry for the discord in your family.
Try to be a supportive force for your Mom and her care managers. Offer help instead of demanding or expecting things. Be flexble. If you can't do this much then maybe back out completely. It's as much as you can do in this situation.
My mom moved from here and from my care because 1) the house wasn't working out with 3 stories, wood (slippery) floors, and her lack of coordination and 2) I was mega burnt out after 24/7 care for 5 years. Everyone knew her medical needs were increasing and I am not medically trained. But for an unskilled, handicapped person, I took damn good care of her. But I can't provide the same care as a nursing home. As far as their caregivers obligation - I never expected them to take over her full time care but I don't think it's fair to say I shouldn't assume caregiving assistance like its a bad thought. I assumed her oldest daughter and beloved grandson could spare a couple of days a year to help with her care. I don't think that or being handicapped makes me an incompetent caregiver.