Parents in assisted living, as b4 they were admitted, I (100% disabled!) was RUNNING 90 hrs/wk, sometimes eating 1/wk. I'm sole living adult child, & no other family helps or will get involved on either my family side or my husband's side - hurts DEEPLY after 16 yrs of helping them in EVERY way possible. I RUN 7 days a wk, haven't had a vacation since 2011 (not even a 3 day wkend!), NEVER get 2 days off in a row, have only had 4 days off (not in a row) since Xmas, '18 (8 months!), & pushed my disabled body further than it should be pushed for past 2+ yrs. I've let my health go, I'm severely depressed, suffer from 24/7 chronic pain (nonstop for 22 yrs now), Complex PTSD, chronic depression, tumors on my spine, osteoarthitis, degenerative disc disease, need foot surgery (I can't get as the ONLY caregiver, which requires an unbelievable amount of time on top of my own life, & I MUST be ready to RUN at any given moment), & my health problems go on & on & on (& I fear are getting much worse!). I have NO joy anymore, can barelyeat 1 meal a day, & am absolutely HEARTBROKEN over my husband's (of 16 yrs) family, whom I've treated as my own, ALWAYS been there for them, given cars, furniture, bought furniture for, took care of THEIR elderly grandmother, bailed 1 after another out of financial problems (of their own making), pd for many grandchildren to go to private Christian schools, & SO MUCH MORE! Yet during the worst 2 years of MY life, NO ONE's helped in ANY way (except FINALLY 1 older granddaughter of my husband's & her sweet husband- when they woke up to the fact that my husband, who has heart problems, & I were sinking under the huge weight of this, & we're SO GRATEFUL for their help which began a few mos ago). But the rest of the family, I can barely talk to anymore, changed my cell phone # & didn't give it to them, & am SAD beyond belief at people I thought loved me, but their "actions speak louder than words." ONE 100% Disabled Caregiver w/TWO elderly parents who BOTH have different dementias, declining at different rates, & in different ways is OVER THE TOP HARD/HEARTBREAKING-yet there's absolutely NO EMPATHY, kindness or even showing they care about the enormous grief I'm going thru, watching both of my parents die slowly from this horrific disease! Yes, I've tried to educate them all, to no avail. To make matters worse, my parents were very abusive, yet even after all of their abuse, I've stepped up w/forgiveness & love & helped my parents, doing all I can to make their life as easy as possible, bring sunshine into their lives, & letting them know they're loved dearly (I take flowers wkly, send cards every other day, get their groceries, manage EVERYTHING in their lives). I'm ALONE....altho' they have 1 granddaughter & an ex-wife of my dec'd brother (who committed suicide) who've been non-existent despite my continued reaching out to them trying to get them to JUST come visit my parents before they forget who they are-which my parents now have done (they don't know they have a granddaughter anymore). I've never felt more alone in my life (& my life hasn't been easy to begin with-but NOTHING like THIS!)! I'm very worried about my health & what might happen if something happens to me, who would take care of my parents? I almost welcome death as an end to this nightmare so don't care if I go to the dr.! I can't stand it anymore. NO ONE understands, or even tries to! My brother committed suicide in '01 (when my parents were shunning him for leaving his unhappy marriage as they've shunned many thru the yrs) & 1 wk later my parents started shunning me (no reason ever given) for 15 yrs. (I lost my ENTIRE family, was newly disabled & alone at the time, unable to work). I wrote my parents over & over for 15 yrs & rec'd only heartbreaking silence. I always told them I loved them & my door was always open. They showed up in '16, & 2 wks later gave me my PoA & the rest is history-dementia! There's more of course, How do I keep going?
Now your hubby's family. What does your hubby think on how His family treats you? How does he treat you? Look, not even God can change what has happen, but you can decide on what you will do about it and you have change your cell phone number and stop talking to them and that is good. I know your heartbroken. But believe me when I tell you that they will get what is coming to them. What goes around comes around. No one escape this world without paying for what they do to others. What we reap we will sow! I truly believe that God or whatever you believe moves people in and out of our lives for reasons that are unknown to us. Besides isn't it better to know the truth verse living a lie? I think it is!
Stop making yourself available to your parents 24/7 and/or get them into a higher care service. Get yourself to a Dr and a therapist so you can get your health and your life back and get some much needed rest. And if anybody tells you that you are being selfish tell them "yes I am." Let them take care of your parents. Let hubby take care of his family. Remember if you don't take care of you, who will?
Hugs!!
Why send cards every other day? This is excessive. What are you trying to prove by doing this?
They are in Assisted Living, let them use the services available there, you do not need to be at their beck and call.
I am an ex wife and I have no interest at all in providing any sort of care to my former mil. I do encourage my kids to visit her, but they are adults and it is up to them.
Having empathy, does not mean stepping in to help.
Please seek a counselor to help you work through the issues. It is time now to stop talking about "them". It is time to start thinking about YOU, and not you as related to them, but just you. I still remember my shrink saying "I don't want to hear any more awful stories about your ex; now I want to hear about you and what you will do with your one life". I felt so confused, because other than my "awful Robert stories" I had little else to really say. So I have been there. There really are no medals given out for sacrificing your life for no good reason. It will be very hard and a very slow process, but you can move on now. A brief weekly visit to hear the moaning, groaning and bashing for a half hour is more than adequate. In fact work toward cutting that to 1/2 hour once a month. And get on with life.
Stop helping them. Turn off your phone and get yourself the medical attention you need.
I'm not saying that this is an easy thing to do, but they ARE in a care center and while it's true you have POA, you can resign that. Having POA does NOT mean that you have to kill yourself in the service of their care.