I’m afraid mom will not recognize us when at last we will have the right to go see her. How do we cope?

She probably has intuitive sense who else would come see her at 98, Most of her friends probably are all dead, so you Angels are nearest to her, as her mind. She can smell your body odors and remember your touches. If you aren’t afraid talk to her like she has value just like when she was in the prime of her life.

I talked to my Dad went out and bought his last ice cream and he quickly asked where’s the cake? So much for memory lost. 😑. He heard I love you Dad, Willie, and was fed by me one last time. If it had not been for the knockout gas given and he was at home his racing heart would’ve subsided on his own but at 89, the lawyer asked me, “What good is he?” “What can he do”?
I didn’t want to scream. but my mind just travelled back to all the joy he brought in our lives and the goodies he brought from the bakeries over the years. The stories he told. What a fine man, Husband, Father, Brother, Uncle, Maternal Blackfoot Indian, business owner, Deacon, outstanding son, community activist and voter. Only education precluded him from being a statesman. Education should not have been what disqualified him. His heart and head was superiorily compassionate.

So, remind your Mom, and say “thank you”, for all you did by being actively involved with us. We love you immensely and immeasurably worlds without end. Forever and ever. Sing a song she loved. Tell a story. Hold her hand! Reminisce of treasures unreplaceable money could not buy. Do you remember that time Mom.. just keep talking and singing and praying. It’ll work wonders!

Just sit with her and hold her hand. She knows someone special is with her. ❤

Best to perhaps not overthink the upcoming visit, but also to be ready if she does not recognize you, to just reassure her that it is you. Prayers to you.

I would visit her months before she died really unaware that the end was coming soon and kiss her on the head, bring her magazines, and blankets from the assister living stash. I would feed her and enjoy smiling with her even though she looked so funny with no teeth. Really coping is just by continuing to do the right thing. And BE THERE for her. I hope my daughter does the same for me.

For some reason my FIL always knew me when we visited.  Don't know if he ever connected that his son was the man there with me.  Always knew we had moved away.  Beyond that conversations were a mix of present and past and we never corrected just asked questions about what he was talking about.  He only got upset when he thought his wife had not been visiting or that he would need to find a new job when he got out.  We'd assure him that he didn't have to worry about a job or a place to live and change the subject.

Just have an enjoyable visit with her no matter who she thinks you are. It is good news that she seems happy and active at her residence. She does not need to know who you are to enjoy a visit.

On this situation, the visit is for your mom’s sake, not yours. This not a case of mistreatment or abuse (protect yourself). She doesn’t mean to harm you but she isn’t capable of giving you the emotional feedback you would like to have. You will be kind and loving anyway, and go to someone else to refill your tank. Let your friend or spouse know in advance what you will need, and be sure to make time for them as well. If you don’t have someone, read the Bible. God sends the rain and the sun on the just and the unjust. You are giving love without receiving it back.
be sure to thank those caring for her, show your appreciation with a small gift or handwritten note. That will help you feel better. Do you have time to volunteer somewhere? It may help you feel worthwhile. Are their songs your mom sang to you? Can you sing them back to her?

Is she completely deaf? They have phones that help with hearing impaired. https://login.captioncall.com/About/Pricing.aspx You say almost blind - would a large screen help her to see you - perhaps do a free Zoom meeting with her if you got her a really large screen/computer set up. People in the facility could help you log her on when you are ready for the 'meeting'. Set up as a recurring meeting so that the link will remain the same each time. Get a young person to help you with set up if you're technically challenged.

We have helped take care of a few family members that have had dementia and they were each different. My mother had a rare type of dementia that makes you lose your vision and she did. She also had very bad pain from bad back, past broken ribs, arthritis. We would always make sure to speak and let her know who we were as we approached. Never just gave a hug with out letting her know what we were doing. We talked and explained everything we were doing (pulling blanket down, washing her ect...) Do not take anything personal, go slow, be patient, go with the flow of what they want to talk about (some days were better than others) but most of all love, love them. I am a firm believer that somewhere in there they pick up on who we are(if not for only a second) or at least that its a familiar face.
And the fear that some feel is real... can not even imagine what they must go through in their minds day to day. I guess the way I have dealt with them sometimes or completely not knowing is that they have no control over this, its not their choice.
Go with the tomorrow if thats what makes her happy....may you feel comfort and joy in your days left with her.

If she knows your smell, what about sending her something with your smell on it with a letter? They can read it to her and she could smell the object that you have sent. I just thought of this. Don't know it is would work. But I was told that my mom likes getting cards and letters. I know that they love her where she is. My mom is in a memory care facility. Let me know what you decide to do.

Your mother has a disease and for us who have loved ones with dementia/alz we mourn the loss of what the illness does. I am sure it has to be difficult for them more so. Go with the flow....Write down all the wonderful times and the silly times you and your family have had. Treasure these and know deep inside your loved ones might have a fog surrounding them but you know who they really are.

I need patience and acceptance -bushels and bushels and more bushels. For us it is also confusing, frustrating and sorrowful. I rely heavily on my faith for strength.
I needed to hear all the ones who responded to your post - for our journey is getting more challenging. Best to you and your family.

She might know you and might not, but she will feel the love extending to her from you. It will give her great comfort. It is like what a baby feels when someone is near, touches them, cuddles them, etc. Be ready to get into her world, what ever that might be. Try not to be sad. I hope soon you will be able to be there with her and at least hold her hand so she can feel your warm love.

This situation is terribly sad for our elders. Hopefully she will remember you. We are able to visit my mom on phones at her bedroom window in assisted living. It was 3 weeks before we decided to do this because she sometimes gets afraid of what is outside her window at night, so we didn't want our presence at her window in the daytime to spark that fear during the night. In those 3 weeks of trying to talk to her from the yard to the porch, which didn't work well, we decided to try the window. She didn't know my husband, but recognized me immediately. She kept asking where I found the guy with me. We played along. Same thing the next 3 times we visited through the window. I am relieved that she didn't forget me yet, but not being able to hug her, give her foot massages, hold her hand, and kiss her goodbye after the visits still makes me cry. She is getting very good care, is not isolated in her room continually, or given all her meals there. They take 2 at a time to the dining room and set up empty rooms for meals for others 2 at time, rotating them, so only 2 at a time are left in their rooms. They let 2 at a time watch TV from the living room and take them one at a time to play scrabble in the kitchen. The care givers must be exhausted. What angels they are always, but this situation has to be so draining. My question is what to do for the care givers when this is over?

Demented residents can form attachments to their caregivers.  If your mom does not recognize you after all this distancing is over, you can continue to visit regularly and form a different type of relationship with her.  While she might not remember your actual connection, she may still be able to enjoy a relationship with you.  Connect through her interests.

I was raised by my grandparents and the last year of his life, my grandfather thought I was his older brother. I just let him go with it as he was comfortable with it.

Now I'm doing what I can trying to care for my mother in law and she thinks I'm her son (she never had a son) and keeps asking me about where "the child" is. It took a bit for me to figure out that she's asking about my wife, her daughter, who has been under inpatient care since early January, but comes home next week. I've told my wife all of this and that I don't think her mom will recognize her, so we'll need to play that by ear once she comes home.

I'm also afraid of this with my mother who has advanced dementia and is no longer verbal. Just approach her as a friendly loved one, and even if she doesn't exactly remember you, she may remember that you are someone she knows and loves. We won't be able to know for sure what our mothers' reactions will be, we''ll have to see what happens and hope for the best.

The last year of my mother's life, she didn't know that my brother and I, who lived with her, were her kids. She thought of my brother as "that grumpy guy who's always in the kitchen who drive s me places." She thought of me as a friend because I talked and laughed with her. That's about all you can hope for.

My father in law no longer recognized his (2nd) wife, but she visited him regularly. One day he told my husband that he really liked that "nice lady" who came to see him everyday. I give her a lot of credit for not making his dementia about her loss of companionship and instead continued to look after him as he lost everything.

I dealt with this with my mother and now my husband. Sometimes you just have to hang loose, sit there and "play the part" she has created for you. It hurts, I know. Let her take the lead and respond accordingly. If she thinks you're her sister instead of her daughter, just go along with it. It will be heartbreaking for you (but you'll eventually adjust--I promise) and it will make her happy. The main thing is, don't argue with her or try to convince her she's got the identities mixed up. It serves no purpose and will just confuse her more. It's not important in the scheme of things.

My mother used to asked me when I came into her room, "Did you speak to Mama?" (She was referring to her own mother who had died 40 years ago). The first time it happened, I was shocked to death. But I asked her, "Oh. Is she here?" My mother would say, "Yes. She's right up there". And she would point to a corner in the ceiling. It brought her comfort thinking her mother was there with us. I would look up and say, "Hello". And my mother was happy with that. One time right in front of me she told somebody she never had any children. WELL SHE HAD ME!!!!!!!! It hurt my feelings, but you will learn to accept it. The last six months she lived she thought I was her sister. I just played the role. She had six sisters. Did she pick the nicest one to be me? Nope. She picked the mean one nobody got along with! That made me laugh.

Bless you. I hope this has been helpful for you.

Thank you all of you and God bless!

Lealoni1 is spot on!
Unfortunately there is no telling how our loved ones will react once we are able to reconnect with them!
Love and patience!
God bless!

I want to thank lealonnie1 for her wonderful answer with all that sage advice. The most important thing to remember is -- it's about Mom feelings, not yours. Remember, it is the disease that is taking her recent memory; she is not trying to hurt you. Memory loss robs the most recent first so be prepared to talk about memories of the distant past. And listen carefully when she talks about memories of her youth - you can use that in the studies of the family history.
This is a difficult situation at the best of times and the pandemic has made it so much worse but we are all here for you and each other. God bless you.

Thank you so very much. It’s really helpful! I’ll print it to re read it at need!

I appreciated how to react when mom take me for her mom (validation therapy)or to use stories of fond memories. I know that to work!

Good also to remind me that the pleasure she will take of our presence doesn’t depend on her memory!

And that to succeed in being gentle I must let myself grieve first of all...

Thank you! God bless you!

Here are some tips I found which may be helpful in case your mom doesn't recognize you once this whole 'stay at home' order is lifted:

Tips on Coping When a Loved One Does Not Recognize You
Acknowledge the Loss: As with other grieving processes, it's okay, and often necessary, to let yourself grieve this decline in your loved one. You don't have to be stoic, even if you've read up on what to expect and you know the change is coming.


Remind Him: If you sense he doesn't recall your name or who you are, simply remind him once by saying, "We haven't seen each other in a while. I'm your nephew Sam."

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due: Remind yourself that this is due to the disease process and not a choice by your loved one. It's the Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia, or other types of dementia that should take the credit/responsibility for the loss of ability in your loved one. When he remembers your sister's name and not yours, try not to take it personally, even if it hurts your feelings. Blame the disease.


Respond Gently: When your loved one doesn't remember you, your goal is to decrease his anxiety or worries, not increase them by pointing out that you've been married to him for 50 years and asking why he doesn't love you anymore. Instead, you can try to change the subject or sing a favorite song with him.

Validation Therapy: If your wife continually refers to you as her father, ask her to tell you about her dad, what she misses about him, what he looked like, what he did as a job, and what she loved about him. Give her the opportunity to share her memories of him, rather than try to force the issue and make her identify and remember you.

Photos and Videos: Show your loved one older pictures of family and friends to reminisce together. It's likely that she will remember more from long ago and this exercise may sometimes trigger her to recall more recent items as well.

Seek Medical Help: If your loved one's inability to recognize or remember others is making her (NOT you) feel anxious and frequently distressed, if her paranoia is affecting her eating or sleeping, or if she is fearful of you to the point of becoming dangerous to herself or others around her, call her physician. There may be appropriate medications or other treatments that can address the cause of these behaviors and decrease her distress. While a physician won't be able to reverse her dementia, medical treatment can improve the quality of life for both of you.

A Word From Verywell
Some research has found that the positive feelings after a visit with someone living with dementia remain long past their memory of that particular visit. Remember that if dementia causes your loved one to not be able to recognize you, spending time with him can still be beneficial and uplifting to both of you.


Obviously, the photos & videos won't work if she's nearly blind.......but stories could be substituted for photos in that case, I would think.

Here is a link to another site with some useful info on the subject:
https://www.rehabmart.com/post/my-parent-doesnt-recognize-me-anymore-a-caregivers-guide-to-coping-with-alzheimers

Such a tough situation many of us (me included) are facing with this virus and not being able to see our loved ones in care communities. I do believe they are all suffering even more cognitive decline as a result, making us feel even MORE helpless as a result. Sending prayers for strength and hope as you navigate this difficult time.