It’s a long story so I do apologize. Looking for advice on what can be done about my mother. I didn't know what topic to post this.
I am in Virginia. I am in my late 20s. Sister is intellectually disabled and 30. Grammy is in her 80 s. Mom is 58. April last year mom had a stroke/brain bleed. May-June she was using drugs and we tried to get her committed somewhere but no one would help us (magistrate said she wasn't a danger to herself or others for some reason). It was a nightmare situation until she finally went to rehab only because adult protective services said she could have my sister back if she did. January this year, we find out that she's completely out of money and her only income is $1300 she gets from her deceased husband's military retirement thing (not my dad).
Since Dec. 2018, she's had around a dozen seizures. Been in and out of the hospital. The paramedics and have been to her house to assist her or sister roughly 40 times since February. Every time we bring them to our house (Grammy's house), she'll stay for a night or two then demand (rant, rave, become verbally abusive) to go home and to take sister with her. She's too paranoid to stay by herself in her own house. We have asked the paramedics to make a complaint to adult protective services but that was a while ago and we’ve heard nothing.
Earlier this month, she had a rough spell and we demanded she go to rehab as she abusing a certain prescription medication. She agreed to go the one out of state because she can smoke her precious e-cigs there. None of the instate places allow smoking of any kind. (Also, when I asked why she was going to rehab, she said b/c we were making her go not b/c she needed to go for any reason.)
She went for all of one week and then the place called wanting to send her back. She had fallen 3 times in their care and she badly fractured her elbow. So back she came. Turns out her fractured required surgery.
That become badly infected after a few weeks because she kept falling, showering with it without covering the dressing, etc. She went into the hospital, had surgery again, and the day before they were going to transfer her to assisted living to continue IV antibiotics, she wanted to leave the hospital AMA. Because 1) she wanted to smoke and nicotine patches aren’t enough for her, 2) she was burning up in the room, 3) she wanted to take her meds her way not how she’s supposed to get them and how the nurses were giving them to her. She did agree to stay and was transferred to the assisted living place. She was there almost four days when the nurses took away her e-cigs and I wouldn’t bring her any. So she ranted and raved and left AMA. The admin and a dozen nurses tried to get her to stay b/c of the infection and the pic line she had in.
Nope. Despite having her own house, she’s been with us (me, Grandma, and sis) since early June. I’ve been going to her house everyday or every other day to check on the cats. I don’t think she’s set foot in her house in a few weeks.
Its becoming increasing clear that her mental state is not what is used to be. She seems to be deteriorating. She doesn’t care about anything but her medicine, e-cigs, and watching law and order. Mom is forgetful (undertakes or mostly, overtakes her medication). She is a fall risk. Has bruises and scrapes all over from falls the past few months. Seizures. Uses my sister as a security blanket (refuses to spend the night in her own home without sister). She manipulates her mentally challenged daughter just to get her way. She’ll say she’ll sell the house and move away. Sell the cats that my sister is attached to, etc, just to get sister riled up so Grammy and I have to agree to let them go back to the mom’s house. Can’t keep sister’s medication straight (sister has her own issues that seem to worsen when she’s primarily with mom). Manic-depressive Bipolar. An addict
Grammy and I are at our wits end and we don't know what to do or who to contact to get something done.
I am dealing with a mentally ill drug addicted brother so I understand how hard this is. And you are so very young. {{{hugs}}}
Seek supportive housing for your 30 y. o. sister, getting her away from this toxic mess.
That will be one less person for your mother to exploit, and the dynamics will change.
Never allow any addict to reside in your home.
Have you attended any alanon meetings where you can find support from others experiencing similar issues with loved ones? What you are now doing is enabling the situation to continue, and continue to disrupt your life. Stop trying to be the everything to everybody. That is not possible.
Grandmother, mom's mom, can't detach either. I've been told by others to just stop taking care of everything for mom and let the pieces fall where they may but we can't do that.
If she'd just go into independent or assisted living, that would be the best but if she can't smoke/take her meds her way, she won't unfortunately.
Even reaching rock bottom, my mother still would not understand or want to do anything different. She'd just keep digging a hole for herself.
Be proactive instead of accepting. If you don’t hear back from an an agency or doctor, call them back. Repeatedly if necessary, until you get an answer.
Your grandmother is in her eighties, and this must be taking a terrible toll on her.
Your mother is all over the place and I can't begin to guess what it's like to be inside her head. There are ways to have her committed involuntarily for assessment - have they been tried? If she's been on medication for her bipolar disorder for a while, she's sustained injuries, and she abuses px medication as well there could be heaven knows what going on in her brain. Do you have access to the information? Are you in touch with the team who handled the events when Sister was removed from her care?
Your sister, independently, is entitled to protection and support to achieve as good a quality of life as possible. Does she have her own case worker and/or health care team? Are you in touch with them?
It is is a heck of a pickle and will take a lot of sorting out, especially difficult when your mother is as uncooperative as she is. But I wonder if it's your grandmother who is actually the problem. It would be natural for her to want to protect her daughter and to fear for her, so I wonder if she tends to lean too far towards avoiding confrontation with her daughter or having to see her distressed.
If forcing appropriate treatment on your mother were easy or smooth going it would have happened by now. It is *going* to be tough, but surely it is what has to happen? If you can get your grandmother to focus on the longer term results and why they're worth holding out for, maybe she'll be less prone to enabling your mother.
Who to contact: is there any reason you wouldn't go back to the people you've already had dealings with?
My grandma has had 5 children. She has had to bury her oldest and youngest and that took a toll on her. I don’t think she can really stop taking care of mom b/c she doesn’t want to lose another child.
Me, on the other hand, I’m so far checked out that I do not care.
I’ve been at work since 7am. Mom went to the ER yesterday because her elbow looked like it was bleeding through the bandages. They admitted her. She started calling at 5:30 AM for us to come get her. Apparently she’s in the ICU.
I left for work and turned my phone off when mom started calling me. I don’t want to go home, turn my phone on, or deal with any of this.
I have been researching lawyers and I do plan to go into the social services office to talk to someone face to face.
I’ve wanted to sell her house for the past few months and put her in a home. We’d pay off her debt and she’d have a little cushion for AL, plus what she receives each month. We’re trying to get her survivors benefits from her deceased husbands social security as he was in his 70s when he passed.
I keep saying I’m going to do this or I’m going to do that and then I freeze because everything is just too much to handle and I feel guilty relying on Grandma to do as she can only do so much.
Best of luck, most of all, take care of yourself!!! You’re too young to be living this life. Keep us posted!!!
But don't let them hand the parcel back (or let it run away) until they've made it stop ticking! Is your sister at your grandmother's house? Is she okay?
Your poor grandmother, I'm so sorry to read her sad history. Keep reassuring her that this is the way to get your mother real, effective help - which can't happen when she tries to do it alone. Sometimes love isn't enough, not on its own.
Rather than turn your phone off completely (unless you have to do that at work anyway, of course), can you block your mother in Contacts?
They kept her and this morning at 5am she started calling to be picked up. When I did turn the phone on I called Grandma to see what the situation was. She had talked to the doctor. Mom is being held TDO right now. She still has the phone and keeps calling, now she wants her ipod to watch her law and order. The infectious disease doc, the psych doc, social worker, and a person from a local mental health place have all be talking with Grandma. Its a step in a direction. Hopefully the right one.
Mom doesn't even remember being in the assisted living facility last week.
But the hospital is doing a TDO.
Its a mess. She's not right in the head. Grammy is upset that's she's in the posey bed cage thing. Wants to talk to docs but they're doing all they can. She has a bad infection she needs iv antibiotics for.
I don't want her home. She needs full time care and more psych testing.
Still don't know what to do. I'm about near a breakdown. I can't handle this. I know Grammy can't but it's her daughter.
Take care of what can be taken care of. I would understand Grammy is upset, but there is nothing to be done about this. She is too ill to be in the care of any of you. And hire someone and get her stuff out of your house now. She does not live at your house. If she gets out AMA or any other way she goes back to her own house. Get her things moved at once.