I'm confused by mom's behavior change!
I just posted to someone who asked about hoarders giving their things away? I said, "no". I based my answer on my mother who became a hoarder over time and would not let go of anything. However, in the last week she has been packing boxs of old clothes, shoes', blanks and sheets, books, and odds & ends. When I asked her what she was doing she said these are things she wants to give away. So, my BF & I gave them away. She was happy about it.
Then she gave me her Will, the Quick Deed to her house which my name is on the Quick Deed as the second name. She also gave me the title to her truck which my name is not on, and the title to our travel trailer which both our names are on.
My mother was always some what controlling but became more controlling after my dad passed away, but now she is giving me these things, however, not the POA'S which my name is on.
She shared her cheesecake recipe with me, which she would never give me or anybody for that matter. She also told me were the family photo album was & where the info about my dad's family was.
She has early stage of dementia and a bad heart. She sees her cardiologist every three months but won't tell me anything or let me go with her. She has symptoms of CHF & is taking nitro twice a day. Her nitro prescription says to take once in the morning and once before bed.
This behavior is not like her. Is it dementia or perhaps she knows her time is limited due to her heart?
I am so confused!
Sorry so long.
Your mom may be concerned because she is noticing her memory slipping and wants to make things easier for you.
If you haven’t read it, pick up the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It’s a great book for focusing on what’s important at the end of life.
You might also send your mom’s doctors a note expressing your concern. Even though they may not be able to speak to you about her condition, you can give them information regarding her actions.
Come back and let us know how things are going.
I will get that book.
Thank you for suggesting the book and replying back to me.
Later, I asked why she wanted to give her old clothes, and etc away and she said, why not I'm not wearing them! I said you haven't worn them in 10 to 20 years, why now? She said, it is just best & don't make something out of nothing.
I also forgot to put in my post that she cleaned her bedroom & bathroom maybe 3 wks ago. Which her bedroom is never really clean & the bathroom is pretty clean but is was cluttered and she a lot of junk away.
She won't answer my questions & I don't want to keep nagging at her so, I stop asking.
Sorry so long. Thank you for your thoughts. I really am trying my best to help her😢
I can tell you from actual experience there is nothing worse than your kids coming in and packing up your house and deciding what "THINGS" you never use and should just donate and trash.
Thinking about it I would just encourage her not question and offer to help if there are big things like furniture she wants to get rid of offer to do it for her. If she is thinking downsizing that is very positive and she will tell you when she is good and ready.
Thank you for your thoughts.
I bet part of what you're feeling is the sadness that comes from this reminder that things are changing for your mom. My husband was profoundly sad when his dad began showing him where the papers were, having the house painted and other things to get things in order. He knew it was a loving gift and I'm grateful every day that Dad has made things easier for us to settle his affairs.
((Hugs))
God bless all of you.
This no doubt will make you uneasy, but don't rule out the possibility of your mom preparing for suicide, although I pray this isn't the case. I've lost two friends to suicide in just the past 2yrs. One was a gentle, sweet, and kind bachelor who lived alone with multiple health issues, the last diagnosis being cancer. He was a friend near my home in Iowa where I lived before I moved down to Kansas 3yrs ago to care for my dad. He left a lengthy note in which he gave specific instructions regarding his possessions, funeral arrangements, poll bearers, etc., very well thought out. Then he put a shotgun in his mouth. His best buddy didn't have a clue except that my friend had said that the doctor appointments every week were getting old. That was just 2yrs ago.
My other friend, also in Iowa, was married and retired and had always been active, helping her husband cut timber, garden, can their garden prodice, sew, bake, all projects she enjoyed. She dearly loved her grandchild. Post knee surgery, she called me to ask if I new anyone in her area who might be able to help her on a regular basis because she suspected that her mobility would be greatly limited from there on out. I could sense that she was hoping I'd say I could do it, but I would in no way abandon care of my dad. Her daughter stepped in and began the process of finding in-home care, but that required my friend to have a cognitive/memory evaluation, which led to the diagnosis of early-stage memory decline, although I'm not sure what specifically. I found this out from her husband after the suicide. She must have been very upset and overwhelmed by all of this and the unknown changes that the future held. She took an overdose of pain meds. That was last December. I still have a 2yr-old voicemail message from her saved on my cell phone of her typical, bubbly self. I can't bring myself to erase it.
Wow. I've never written all of this down before. I don't know what to tell you. Be positive and upbeat and tell her how great it is that she's cleaning out all of the unnecessary stuff in her house? Tell your mom that NO MATTER WHAT the future holds, you'll be there to help and support her? I wish I had made it a point to vocally acknowledge to my frends that I knew they were facing a ddifficult future and ask them what their concerns/fears were and that I would be there for them. Makes me think of several other friends with whom I need to do that, and SOON.
She has be lost sents my father passed away. Prehaps there my be some truth to what you are saying!
I pray that you are wrong.
God bless you and help you to move pass any guilt and hurt feelings you may be carrying in Jesus' name. Amen
She may be keeping her heart condition status private because she has decided not to pursue aggressive treatments and doesn't want to discuss or defend her choice. CHF can be a slow decline for a decade or more but when it gets to a certain point it picks up steam and can result in death in just a couple of years. My grandparents both died of CHF but with different paths.
Grandpa had a unexpected heart attack and passed quickly. He was in the hospital to balance his medications and was scheduled to check out later that morning. The nurse spoke with him and took him some coffee just after 6:00a. While she was approaching the nurse's station the heart monitor alarm went off. She raced back to find him flatlined and 2/3 of the coffee still hot in the cup. Grandpa had signed a DNR.
Grandma went through the entire CHF journey, finally dying of kidney failure after her heart couldn't provide enough blood flow to nourish her organs. Grandma spent more time in bed or a recliner with her feet up so they wouldn't swell than Grandpa, then she went to sleep and slipped into a coma.
If God allowed me to choose, I would take either of their CHF deaths over advanced dementia. Although CHF impacted the last 6-12 months of their lives significantly, they were both still able to live at home (kids and grandkids took over housework) and perform most ADLs with little or no assistance until the final few days.
She never talks to me about anything after my dad died. I never know what she waits or needs.
She doesn't give me info about anything that is going on with her.
I just think it's sad & selfish to keep this big secret (CHF) to herself, especially when she got mad that my dad did not tell anyone that he had cancer for a year before we knew. She was so mad & hurt, but she is doing the samething. I just frustrated & confuse. That's all!
Thank you for your thought and for replying back to me..