I see my father a couple times a week but I am wondering should I be going to see him every day? He's not far from me, about 30 minutes, but I am concerned that not visiting daily will impact his mental health? Should I go less often? Also it seems to me that my mother and sister are not at all concerned that daddy is so alone, depressed and not wanting to be there. It angers me that my mother and sister can't accept that he can't remember all the bad stuff he's done and let it go and accept the apology that will never come....I'm at a loss
Thank you for responding~
First things first - if the stroke was at all recent it is possible that something can be done about his low mood, comparatively easily. Ask his doctor.
As for your main question, how often "should" you visit your LO in a facility: you won't be surprised to hear that there is no correct answer to your question. But there's no wrong answer, either!
The best thing is to go as often as feels right to you; and the other really important thing is to be realistic about what your visits can and can't do for him. He may benefit from them, but it isn't likely that they will have a big, noticeable impact on his mental health. Your attention and company are positive, but you can't make him young or well or easy in his mind.
Your mother and your sister, too, have to figure this one out for themselves. Try not to be angry that they don't see your father the same way that you do.
When you mention the 'bad stuff' - is this long-running family history, or more recent events?
I found out today that he's actually been participating in activities at the VA - and I had been thinking he was just laying in bed, depressed and lonely..well he is lonely but he's doing things which surprised me. I usually go visit two to three times a week and I think that has actually been beneficial to him. Someone there did tell me that maybe my visits were making things worse and I believe she was right!
As for the bad things, these were a long time ago but I'm trying to learn to let things go regarding my mother and sister. It's not up to me to judge them and that's what I was doing. It still bothers me when momma brings up how awful he used to be and how she'll never forgive him - but again I know it's not my business.
I'm just trying to make his last days here comfy and make sure he knows I love him regardless of everything.
Again thank you for your response!!
It is very difficult, especially, when you feel you're being forced to pick a side. Your mother has grievances, and your sister opts decidedly to support her, yes? And you have wished that they would let the past go and show more compassion for your father, now that he is frail and defenceless and in need of care.
Privately, if your mother is nursing injuries, I should have guessed that it would be better for *her* too if she were able to move on. Forgiveness tends to heal the forgiver as well as the forgiven. But seeing as this is a big subject, almost certainly with chapters in it that you wouldn't want to know about, and that you and she and your sister hadn't yet been able to get as far as accepting one another's perspectives, if I were you I should keep my thoughts private and try not to get drawn in fraught, emotional discussions.
Meanwhile, it is so good to hear that the VA is taking lovely care of him and encouraging him to participate. Six months on from a stroke, even with complications, is not so long that it's impossible he might improve some more yet, too. Fingers crossed :)
I am very thankful that the VA took daddy - we had a hell of time at home with him. Every time he had a seizure he would come back and forget he couldn't walk and would fall down. He was very stubborn and after having to try and pick him back up we realized we just couldn't do it anymore. He's done this same thing at the VA and every time daddy asks me when he can come home I have to remind him of all the times he fell...but five minutes later he had totally forgotten. But he is getting excellent care and I am very thankful for that.
I appreciate everyone's response, it has helped knowing there was some place I can come to, thank you every one!
It's a wonderful thing for YOU that you've been able to forgive your father for his past actions. Most of us find it hard, if not impossible, to realize that a parent's cruelty really had nothing to do with US! Good for you!!