I’m writing this on behalf of my grandma. She’s 70 and has been taking care of my grandpa (93) for almost a year now, since he fell ill and has been having difficulties to walk. The past three months he has been staying in bed most of the day. Two months ago he was kind of fine, in the sense that he behaved normally, he could keep a conversation and walk around the house, with a walker. The last two weeks he has become aggressive. He punched my grandma in the face and kicks her too. Even if he’s in bed, he’s pretty tall (5’11 almost) and my grandma is short (5’). Today I visited her. My grandpa behaved normally but around 3pm he wanted to go to bathroom. I said no because my grandma and I are not as strong as him and he could fell, so I told him to poop in his diaper and wait for my uncle (grandmas son) to take him to the bathroom. He said ok. But after a minute he got anxious and kept on asking for his shoes. So to try to keep him calm I handed him his shoes and his jacket. He now wanted to get out of the house. He grabbed a bag and started to pack some clothes. He asked for money and keys. He was starting to get anxious and aggressive. So my grandma and I walked with him, and the walker, to the front door. Of course I locked the door before he even get out of his room and also gave him the wrong key. So he was in the door. He looked at me and my grandma with “devil” eyes. He looked at me and raised his arm like he wanted to punch me. I got scared. I wanted to cry and I did, so that maybe he saw me and think again of what he was about to do. He didn’t care but he returned to the living room because he got tired lol. He sat on a chair he started to blaming us and asking us why we were doing this to him. I said we were no doing nothing bad to him and wanted to protect him. He didn’t understand and kept on repacking his clothes. Then, he “walked” (he was sat on a gamer chair, the ones that moves) to the dining tabled and “grabbed” some utensils (he couldn’t but it was obvious he was trying to grab a knife). So he kept insulting us and so. Two hours after, he was in his room and wanted to get out of the house again. I raised my voice this time (didn’t yell) and was direct to him. He told me to get out, I said no, that he had to remain calm and he wanted to kick my grandma again. I grabbed his leg and looked him at his eyes. Told him that I wasn’t afraid of him and he had to remain calm. The situation was like that for 6 or 7 minutes and then he started to insult me saying things like he would’ve wished he never met me, that I was evil and “called” (he didn’t say it, I just read his lips) me a prostitute lol. He remained calm after a couple of minutes and I got out. I heard him telling my grandma that I was a thief and so. After this incident, my grandma has “almost” made the decision of taking him to a nursing home. But we are still not sure. I’m scared for my grandma. I don’t want her to suffer. I don’t care if my grandpa has stopped “liking” me. What should we do? My mother has previously advised us (the family) to take him to a psychiatric to try stronger medicine on him. Please help me.
What type of medicine is he currently on? Make sure you know it and the dosage so you can tell the paramedics. Tell them he's being violent and belligerent and you think he may have a UTI. They'll test him at the ER. If he does have one, they'll give him antibiotics and this should improve his behavior.
While he is there try to get grandma to agree to speak with a social worker about placement in a facility .
Your Grandparents are not coping.
Violence is never ok but seriously, think about this from your Grandfather's point of view too. He needed to go to the toilet & was told to defecate where he was? I'd probably be angry too.
He needs looking after. It's OK if his needs are past what your Grandmother can do.
What adult is in charge here?
The next time he gets violent call 911 and have him taken to the hospital to get checked out for whatever. While there, have grandma tell the hospital social worker that she can no longer take care of her husband at home and that he is an unsafe discharge, and that she doesn't feel safe with him.
The hospital will then have to find the appropriate facility to place your grandpa in, and your grandma can get back to just being his wife and advocate.
Next violent outbursts you call EMS on 911 and tell them to take Grandpa to the ER. Once there you accompany grandma to the hospital and call in social services telling them that there is violence and acting out in the home. Show them your letter to us to explain. Tell them grandfather cannot return home and needs placement in care.
I find it curious that in the beginning of your letter you describe this as a change, ie. new behavior: why has nothing been done to get him to his doctor for an evaluation?
He should especially be evaluated for urinary tract infection. This change, being new, may indicate there's been a stroke or some other kind of recent medical issue.
I find it confusing that you describe a man who cannot make it to the bathroom, who you advise to soil himself, but who proceeds to run around the house packing, going to the front door, and going to kitchen for utensils.
This doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me; seems on the face of it a trip to the bathroom might have prevented the entire rest of this particular prolonged drama.
In any case, I think this is now beyond yours and your grandmother's ability to handle in home. It is likely time for medical evaluations and placement.
If he kills her, you will feel guilty you didn’t call 911.