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I'm caring for an aging family member. She tried assisted living for 1.5 months, hated it, but really didn't try to adapt, just wanted to return to her own home. Very angry with family about being there. Refuses to admit that she cannot live alone as prescribed by her Dr. Has hearing issues but refuses to wear hearing aids, says she doesn't need them.


Found a live-in caregiver to start later in the month. Now aging family member is reluctant to give up closet space, rearrange bedroom for live-in.


I can't help but feel angry with her. We have done everything that we can to make her happy, yet still receive negative feedback.


I don't believe there is a great deal of dementia. She's still pretty aware at 99 years old.


How do I stop feeling overwhelmed and angry?

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I learned in therapy I am NOT responsible for my 88 yr old moms happiness! My job is to make sure she is in a safe place with food and her medical needs met. So Mom is in assisted living just as her doctor recommended.. I feel so relaxed knowing it is not my job to keep her happy..I visit 3 days a week , my brother visits or calls 2 days a week and mom must find friends there to share her life with.
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You stop jumping to this person's orders! You can't make her happy and should not have taken her out of AL in the first place. Now she's going to have you jumping thru more hoops about this live-in caregiver who she 'won't like' either. Then what?

And what constitutes 'a great deal of dementia'? She doesn't have to be incoherent to be suffering from dementia! And demented elders cannot and should not live alone, so if this new arrangement doesn't work out, you're back to square one.

If it were me, I'd get her house sold to finance AL and get her back there right away.

Best of luck!
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katinfoco Feb 2022
I am sure you are correct. I pray she will soon realize all the hoops we have been thru to get to this point just to be sure she is safe.
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6 weeks is not enough time to adjust to AL.

What is her issue there? Is it the right level of care? The right group? Is it too much assistance the wrong kind?

It's not your job to make someone else happy. Has she been evaluated for depression?
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katinfoco Feb 2022
her room in the AL facility is very small, only room for a single bed, bedside table, a recliner, tv tray, and dresser that holds her TV. Can't even access a window because the bed is in the way. If I lived there I would be depressed too. Other rooms are so much more spacious with more furniture...couches, coffee tables. Nothing like hers at all. Hard to communicate with others that have hearing problems.

She says they do nothing for her and then quotes the price she is paying monthly. Always has been very aware of where her money goes.

To make matters worse, my brother seems to think AL is where she should be but he is out of state right now and just sends me txt msgs implying I am doing the wrong things that i have done to get her home with live-in help. Initially we agreed AL was appropriate but after seeing her living space, I can understand why she wants out. Also, I am 1.5 hours away.

She has not been evaluated for depression. I just feel like she is just dying at AL. She functioned pretty good at home 85% of the time. She wants to die at home.

we are moving forward with live-in help the end of the month. sure don't want to start over if live-in fails.
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One 24/7 caregiver arrangements pose problems like the person claiming the employment address as their own residence plus the allegation of "slavery" for literally getting no time off. Even if one got a payroll company and made sure overtime happened, that they got their lunch plus 15 minutes break every four hours yada yada, i'm not sure you'd be fully protected.

Try to get two people. And then tell mom this is gonna be how it is or she's going back into a home.
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Hello my name is Lynnel. I wanted to say please do not beat yourself up or feel bad that you feel frustrated. 24/7 caregiving is a nightmare for anyone and especially if you have to also add that the person you’re caring for has behavior or attitude issues. I do want to say that despite her anger moments you will have to convince her and let her know that there are boundaries since you are having to take care of her since she cannot stay by herself. There are three things I wanted to say that I hope may help you:

1- It is to your credit that you will have a live in caregiver that will start next month, this individual will be a blessing to you. However you will both need to have a plan of action in place and I will tell you how this could work in a minute.

2- If you said she has Dementia, despite what stage she may be in, you as the caregiver will have to be educated on the disease to know how to manage the disease so that it won’t overwhelm you and take over your home. I found an excellent source for dementia which is an Expert by the name of Teepa Snow. One of the agencies I worked for years ago had us training under her material and it was very very informative, including information on how to de-escalate behaviors as well as information about the changing brain.
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You say “her room in the AL facility is very small, only room for a single bed, bedside table, a recliner, tv tray, and dresser that holds her TV. Can't even access a window”. “If I lived there I would be depressed too”. Can you get her a better room, or a better AL facility? Tell them that she will be moving if they can't do it better!
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DILKimba Feb 2022
That’s what I was thinking too.
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Do you feel comfortable stating your relationship to the relative? Are you her POA?

Basically, if she doesn’t have dementia and isn’t cooperative, can you withdraw your assistance at all?
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Tell her what I told my Dad. Don't have her come live in, but pay her to check in if that's an option. She can come and do light cleaning, make meals etc...(don't call her a caregiver but someone to help out). That way you have eyes on her and she doesn't feel like she loses independence and you have eyes on her. Family can help check in as well.
Never know, she might come to like the person. Tell Mom that it helps YOU feel better about mom spending her retirement years in leisure.
It's worth a try lol. Revised after reading about your brother: My brother was in Texas. Not allowed to gripe unless he contributed financially. If he's willing to help out at least financially then he can have a say. Otherwise, it's not his business unless you say so. I grew a spine while taking care on my dad.
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Wondering how long the live in Caregiver will last? It's hard work being there 24/7 for someone, no days off. No private life. What if the new 24 hour live in Caregiver gets sick, needs surgery, runs off with a boyfriend? Or just wants some free time away from the house? What if they don't get along, or she drinks etc?

Everything in the plans are contingent upon the lone 24 hour a day Caregiver being reliable, honest, trustworthy and a hard worker who is extremely dedicated. Which may or may not be true...

Assisted Living sounds like a much safer place for a 99 year old to be in the long run. With a trained staff.
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You and your family have the right to live your lives now - she had her time and if she is stubborn and uncooperative, so what? You do NOT give in to her. YOU set the rules so your family is not impacted. At this age and her behavior, I would put her right back into a facility - perhaps another one. When people do not cooperate and have no sense (not many do when they are old), you take the next step and place them before they destroy you. End of story.
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