My husband and I have been living with my mother for 6 years. Initially, we moved in because my husband was laid off at 62 years old and unable to regain employment. Over the past 4 years, my mothers health and cognitive abilities have declined and at 96 she is no longer able to live alone.
I have an older sister who lives 45 minutes away and tells me there is no free lunch. I live here for free, so I shouldn’t complain that we have given up our lives and all privacy to care for my mother. I’ve been called a bloodsucker by my sister.
I'm still working part time as a chef from 4-7 pm, and physically, it’s beating me up. My body hurts every night when I come home. At 67, I would like to not have to work, but my husband and I only have our social security each month and no savings.
We can’t afford to move, so as far as my sister is concerned, this is the price we pay for not having savings for retirement.
I'm exhausted and my husband is resentful. He thinks my mother should pay us since we can never leave her alone. I take her to all of her appointments, I clean the house, cook dinner for her before I go to work and help her with personal needs. For the most part, my mother is still able to bathe and dress herself.
I'm tired, I have no privacy, my marriage is stressed and I feel like I’m stuck.
I'm in one of the more expensive regions in the country, and they live in one of the more elite cities within it. That said, the going rate for a room, even there, would be at max $1,500/month.
That's about what the average SS benefit is for one person; you have two and you also have your income.
It goes beyond that. When we said no, fmil threw her fit but eventually they got a lady to stay with her and ffil overnights and on weekends. The lady is only paid $4 over county minimum wage, but she works--get this--over 120 hours a week. Her monthly cost is $9,500.
They also employed Brother's Wife as a day-shift person/overall manager at 50 hours a week. They are paying her $7,000 month.
So that's $16,500. You could rent an entire estate for that, even here. It is certainly more than $1,500. The costs would be about half that were they to go into assisted living.
SS for two people plus your income should be able to get you an apartment, and that will then balance the scales with you and sister as well as restore some space for you and DH.
Your sister and her opinion figure in this NOT AT ALL. In fact, as you are sole caregiver this need not be discussed with Sis unless you wish to do so (I can give you family mediation information if you wish to private message me and are interested in setting up such a thing with Sis).
Do understand that income will be reported by you and your husband through the IRS. None of this can be done willy-nilly. Get professional advice.
You and your husband may not wish to continue in hand on caregiving. If you do not then your Mom may at some stage require medicaid help. If that is the case it is important that all costs and receipts Mom is having for any expenditures be carefully kept with meticulous records for the 5 year lookback. GOOD LUCK to all of you.
what is a fair amount to receive for caregiving? We literally can’t go anywhere together as a couple.
I know you feel trapped, I have felt that way too in my life. Look for the hidden door to get out of the trap. There is usually an out we haven't considered.
"Hugs"
IF she is beyond that capability, guardianship/conservatorship may be the only option. I personally don't know how that all works, but I should think the guardians would get paid, Non-family guardians don't do this for free! IF she has assets, they would be used to cover the legal costs and pay for your services.
The only other option I can think of is getting her placed in a facility, using her assets. If she owns her home, that may have to be sold, so plan accordingly. That would have to mean moving to a place where costs are not so high.
IF she is still capable, then certainly you could give an agreement a try, but she would have to be willing AND you should do this with proper legal and financial advice. As another commenter noted, that would be considered income, so it has to have taxes, SS and all that taken out and filed accordingly. It could also impact your SS benefits (you recoup some of that later, after she passes and there's no more income.)
Determining a fair wage for care-giving isn't something that we here on this forum can gauge. Rates vary depending on what region you are in (for instance, some ALs in NYC area would be thousands more than what we pay for our mother, yet it is much less down south. Cost of living matters.) You'd need some legal assistance to determine what a fair wage would be, factoring in that you are live in help. It is also highly dependent on how much income and/or assets she has too.
IF she is very low income, you could check into Medicaid. They don't pay for full time in-home care-givers, but something is better than nothing (family can be the care-givers.)
See if any Elder Law attys in your area offer a free initial consult. Document everything you can, to make best use of that time. Form all your questions before you go and take notes. IF she's already been deemed incompetent, you likely will have to go the court route. If she hasn't, and isn't too bad, the atty can determine whether she's capable of signing agreements and documents.
As I posted to another comment, sister's opinion is worth 0. I would NOT discuss anything further with her. The only thing I might say to her, esp if she brings it up or complains if you seek to get this changed legally, is if she thinks it's such a great deal, why doesn't she take over? Sure, free room and board is great (no idea if you and husband contribute to the living costs and food), but there ARE other needs which require some form of income.
Your sister doesn’t care. Bypass her and discuss the matter with your mom and an attorney.
My siblings were not supportive of me. It became too much. I started setting boundaries and mom blew a rod!
Living in a house with a parent absolutely puts stress on a marriage.
There is no privacy. There is no time to plan any special times away for just the two of you. It becomes miserable. I sought out therapy which definitely helps.
It’s hard on parents too. Most don’t want to be a burden and they have lost their independence.
They are suffering emotionally and physically. There is nothing that is easy for them. They lost their spouse. Friends and family members have died and so on.
My mom took her frustrations out on me and pitted her children against each other.
My brothers were not approachable. They believed all of my mother’s embellished tales.
My brothers were trying to intimidate me, one said that I was disappointing mom.
Mom has been a perfectionist as long as I can remember. He felt that he could do better.
Guess what I said? Then go right ahead! Mom lives with him and his fourth wife and now he sees what I went through.
He is retired and has hospice helping out.
My other brother doesn’t help him. The only time he came to my house was to eat and get money from mom. He spends all his money on partying.
As relieved as I was to no longer be caregiving, it was a painful and stressful way to say goodbye to my mom.
I talk to mom on occasion. I am not close to my siblings, which is fine with me.
I was always there for them in their time of need. I can’t say the same for them being there for me.
I wish them no harm. I am happy that mom is being cared for.
I am happy my husband and I can share our life privately again, especially since he was recently diagnosed with cancer and receiving radiation treatments.
Life is short. I sincerely hope that you find a viable solution soon.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your lives.
Im in the middle and the pressure is just too much.
I will lift you in prayer for peace and good health.
Having said that - what's stopping your husband getting work of some sort, sorry? You explained that he was unable to regain employment, but surely if you can put in 3 hours a day then purely for the sake of fair shares he's had time to think of *something* remunerative he can do?
Look, once you move in with a parent, you take on the responsibility of their health decline. I agree with you, it's not easy!! But, if I wasn't paying bills here, I'd definitely been able to save a little nest egg. This however, is what family does for family. Mom is 96? I know your burn out, I am too. But, life is limited and your mom won't be with you that long. Unlike your sister, you will have the memories with your mother. I pray you find resolution. It sounds like a fair trade of to me!! Take care & good care of mom! Kelly
When someone requires live in care there cannot be any “rent” - iow one cannot say “well the live in caregiver gets room and board so that counts towards ( or as) compensation”
Similarly even IF it were allowed ( it’s not but a hypothetical) the cost of live in full time caregiving would far outweigh the cost of “rent”— the op could deduct the cost of rent from the cost of full time live in caregiving to appease the bully sister— I.e. “after deducting for rent, the monthly compensation will be paid at x amount
You should get right on it while your mother is still competent. Be sure to discuss with your siblings -- not to ask permission -- just to get input -- So later there are no surprises.
I am just being snarky when I say that, but it would not be unreasonable for your mom to pay you $1,000 a month for the care that you provide. Your sister is correct...there is no free meal. That means your mom doesn't get free care. Her care would cost more than your rent.
x4
”After some research we’ve learned the cost of live in caregiving comes at a value of apr 12,000 per month
12,000 - 2,000 for rent we arrived at what the monthly cost will be 10,000
they don’t have to charge the same as the going rate but they could say “however we’re understanding of the strains this puts so we’re willing to provide the help at a mere 7,000 ( or whatever) amount
Give her your ideas and options that would work for you.
My 96 yr old Dad with Dementia is living in his own home and I've hired 24 7 Caregivers.
I looked very hard and the least expensive I could hire them for was $9 hr which is $1512 a week and usually you find them no less than $12 an hour.
So, you agree to a weekly price, then you subtract a fair portion for You and your husband's Rent and you deduct that from the Caregiving charge tgat your mom needs to pay.
Or, hire a 24 7 Caregivers and have your mom pay it all and ya'll pay your mom Rent.
In regards to your sister, you can let her know after things with your mom has been agreed upon if you want.
Shw should hzve no problem with the agreement as long as your mom is paying you the least expensive price of what most Caregivers charge and know that ya'll will be deducting Rent. That is Fair.
If you decide to hire 24 7 Care, your sister can always have a schedule to make some extra money.
$1512 a week is a lot of money,, so you will have to see how long your mom is able to afford it..
after her money runs out then it will be you and your sister taking turns watching her, but you and your husband will still need to be paying a fair rent.
The only other optiin would be to put your mom in a Senior Home where she would be lonely, Sad, scared , feel unloved, and probably not live very long, especially with the covid.
Praters ya'll can work it out.
What will you and your hubby do when mom passes away?
If I was in this situation, I would start working on that plan - because it could become a reality any day. Talk and work with your hubby on this while also caring for your mom.
Ours sounds like a situation similar to your own, (i also worked part-time into my 70's), but we were fortunate to be supported by more positive attitudes. my husband used to say, "You have to live somewhere." My siblings knew how expensive hired in-home help would have been and were delighted we did not have to arrange that. My father was delighted to be able to stay in his own home. For our family, this was a very successful arrangement.
If your mom is competent, she cannot be forced to pay you. Most family caregivers do not get paid. That may not be fair, but that Is live.
Get on a wait list NOW for low income/senior housing.
Sometimes it is better to pay bills and have your own privacy. It is hard to take care of a very elderly parent. My mom is 82 years old and is together mentally but her body hurts all the time and she needs tons of attention which is hard to do when I hold down a career, son and my own life.
You buy groceries, cleaning supplies and paper products. Well, there are 3 people in the house and I know from experience that it costs less to feed 1 person when adding it to the grocery bill of 2.
Yet you pay no rent, no utilities or property taxes or homeowners insurance and you seem to think that you shouldn't pay rent because your mom paid for her home in full. Oh and you enjoyed the benefit of a cleaning lady that your mom paid for until covid shut that down less then a year ago.
You moved in when you were in need and she allowed that, I promise you that she felt like she didn't have any privacy when she opened her home to you and your husband in your hour of need. It is not easy on anyone to have other people move into their home, I don't care how helpful they are, it is a huge deal.
I think that your sister has a bit of a point and you should look at the years that you took your mom's help and didn't have to do anything but buy groceries, paper products and cleaning supplies. If you even did that in the beginning.
You really have benefited greatly from her graciousness in allowing you and your husband to live in her home free of charge for years before she needed a helping hand, it is time for a little pay back for all she did for you two when you were in dire need.
Your mother allowed you and your husband to move in with her when you were down and out. You chose to lose your privacy, and your marriage was already stressed. Stop blaming your mom and sister for your problems.
Living rent free for all these years has been a boon for you and your husband. I’m sorry that your husband can no longer work, and it sounds like 3 hours a day work for you cannot go on much longer because you are no longer physically able. Perhaps you could find a job more suitable to your limitations.
You may want to think about how you two will live after your mom passes, but your sister is right…” There is no free rent”. Social Security is not much, but as long as you’re not paying rent you may want to start a savings account. You will be needing that sooner than you think. Rents are outrageous in your area.
Be thankful that you have had your mom longer than most people have their parents in their lives. Care for her and give her the love and support that you would want from your child or loved one. She doesn’t owe you anything. You still have a roof over your head, food and clothing.
You have a great deal to be thankful for. Good luck to you and your family. Stay safe.
Time to stop perpetuating the myth of all parents being caring. The myth keeps the abuse of this and future generations to continue. Parents must be judged by their actions, not an incorrect assumption.
To shame someone on here when you don't know the whole story is wrong. You weren't there for the poster or for any of us who know our parents didn't care for us.
14,000 a month
safe to say she could just deduct the cost of “rent” from the caregiving fee
Yes, you deserve to be paid and not pay rent. So if I were you, I would say, screw the last 6 years and have an open slate. So, I would have mom pay you $10 to $12 an hour. In addition, have her hire an aide for 4 hours a week at night for date night and for one weekend a month to "get away". With the money you earn, you could get a room for a night or 2.
I would not deal with your sister.