Long story short, my 85 year old mother went to live with my brother in California 6 months ago, after she refused to go into a VERY NICE assisted living apartment 10 minutes from my house in IL (they were going to give her a month FREE to try it and she flatly refused). She had been in and out of the hospital and rehab 6 times in 6 months, lost her driver's license, and everyone agreed she could no longer take care of herself in her 3-story home, even with caregivers coming 3x a day, 7 days a week. My husband and I (mostly) spent numerous weekends visiting AL facilities, filling out paperwork, running back and forth to the hospital and rehab, cleaning her house, buying groceries, then having to get rid of everything because it spoiled, dealing with the daily phone calls from caregivers, neighbors, friends, etc., etc. Moving her in with us was not an option for many reasons, and we live an hour away from her. The thing is, my brother and mother came up with this "plan" of her going to live with him without even talking to me...I found out from the hospital social worker. I have been the sole caregiver for my mom since dad passed in 2013, have handled all her finances, taxes, fixing up the house, etc., which I am STILL stuck doing because she refuses to sell her house here! Anyway, while I was angry with the way everything came about, the past 6 months have been such a relief for me....I didn't realize how much stress I was under until it was gone. I miss mom a lot, but not the stress of caring for her, so my husband and I decided to take a trip to California for Christmas. Our plan was to stay with mom and brother for Christmas Eve and Day, then we rented a two-bedroom condo in Palm Springs for 4 days, during which mom agreed to go with us, and brother and son (did I mention brother's wife filed for divorce 1 month after mom got to CA?) would join us for a couple of days if possible. Yesterday my brother calls and says that they are all coming, AND he wants to bring "a friend" for my nephew, and his friend's mother! This is a two-bedroom condo! But, I believe this is actually his new girlfriend (divorce isn't final yet!) and her son. And mom is saying she hasn't been feeling good lately, so she might not go! This is not at all why my husband and I are spending thousands of dollars to go to California! I want to see my mom and spend time with her, not with my brother's girlfriend and her kid! But again, I have been blindsided....just like the whole move to California. No discussion with me, just a decision by brother. And mom COULD step up and say NO, but she always leaves me to be the bad guy. Then brother and I get into a fight, she gets upset, and I get blamed. I know mom is mad at me that she is not happy in California....she doesn't call me, or pick up the phone when I call her. I've sent her some things and all she does is call to tell me she received them....no thank you, no wanting to talk with me. I had no input into the decision, and I knew it would not be a good situation. Mom was always very social, going to senior luncheons, being in the local women's club and women of the moose, etc., Now she sits at home waiting for my brother to come home from work every day. She has no friends or relatives to visit with, but this was all her and my brother's choice. Yet I am the one she seems to blame and now when I am trying to be nice and come to visit with her, they are ruining that trip and plan, too. I've already decided I won't do this next year, which means this is quite possibly the last time I will ever see my mother. It all makes me very sad and angry at the same time. I have to start packing and have a knot in my stomach. What can I do to try to get through all this?
Are you the one named on the utilities and don't want the credit ding for non-payment? Talk to the utilities about the process to transfer the account to another person. Then send mom a certified letter stating that she has 30 days from (whatever is the next due date that you are going to pay) to transfer utilities into another name, that on that date you will remove service. If the power is not transferred, pipes will freeze and she - not you - will have a mess and lower the value of the home. NOT YOUR PROBLEM!
Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is a great book to read to help deal with bad relatives.
This was on Dear Abby the other week but it was about a brother who was bringing a dog with him!
Hey - I didn't say anything......
And, BTW, ANY condo or hotel room has a "maximum occupancy" rule and you could get kicked out for having so many people in your room. If you can't man up to talk to brother and say "no, nope you're not coming", then tell them the condo has the max occupancy rule and you aren't going to break it.
It's so sad, the manipulation that people use to get what they want.
Personally, I would not go if the ONLY option is to have all these people (most of whom you don't even KNOW!) showing up, uninvited and probably mooching all the way.
Prepare for anger from brother. But please be tough.
But here's something to use -- isn't there an occupancy limit for the 2-bedrm condo? 7 people in a 2-bedrm condo? Often it's also limited to family groups (at least the rentals around here often are). GF plus her son aren't members of the family, so they can't stay.
Love the Ann Landers quote, which is so true. You are in control here. You set your own rules.
If they get angry, enjoy Palm Springs with the hubs.
It may be too late to cancel your husband and your trip, if not maybe try to schedule it in Feb, when there is a lull in holidays and things have quieted down.
Mom made her decision. I would also tell her u will no longer take care of her house. She needs to sell it for her future care. If she says she wants to come back, tell her only if she goes into an AL. Brother wanted her so gets the responsibility that goes with it. If u go, don't be surprised if brother expects u to pay for everything. If Mom doesn't want to go I would cancel based on that.
Plan to see your mother at a less emotional time of the year. Stay in a motel. Take her out for the day (if she wants to go) and bring her back to her home for the night.
What was it Ann Landers used to say? Nobody can use you as a doormat if you refuse to lie down.