Mom fell first the last of April and went into the hospital. I drove down to take care of Pop (from N. AR to TX) and saw what terrible shape he was in. His health had deteriorated to the point he was blacking out and he had to go into the hospital within the 5 days I was there. BP spikes and severe drops in the morning...heart problems, etc.
Within 3 days of each other, they were admitted to the same skilled nursing facility. For over a month, my husband and I have been trying to get their financial affairs in order. It's a mess and they didn't do a thing to prepare for this time. They covered well and skipped right over the AL stage and right into needing skilled care.
In the 5 days I was with him, I could see how Mom was wore down. He pointed out 4 different places around the house where she had fallen and once, layed there for 2 days. The living room floor from that fall in front of the couch was urine soaked. The 4th fall, who knows how long she laid on the bathroom floor. She was unable to use her legs and was in a confused state not knowing who she or anyone was. They both were desperately trying to keep things "normal" and did well not letting anyone know. They kept Dr. appts, but certainly wasn't telling them the truth of things or about Pops blackouts...and he was still driving...around Houston!
I'm upset today. We just got a call from his son saying he talked to Pop and he wanted him to "pick him up" tomorrow. When he asked "Who's going to take care of you Pop?"..."Mom"! I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have your life totally change, but to be so selfish? He KNOWS she can't take care of him anymore. Even when I had to call the ambulance to come get him, he had gotten a little better and refused to leave with them. I knew he wouldn't make it until the next day...or even the next week to when his heart Dr. had ordered CT Scan and other testing. The ambulance crew knew that too, but when they refuse service, their hands are tied. I called my husband, told him I had to hold up Pop that morning while he was having what I thought was a stroke or heartattack before I could get to my phone to call 911. His son finally came and we convinced him that the Dr. had moved the testing up and that the ambulance could get him to the hospital for it and he could walk right in without having to wait long hours in the ER or Dr. office the next week. He's not dumb...I was in tears...and he finally agreed to let us call another ambulance and go. He did. And I ugly cried all the way back home to AR the next 10 hours. I felt I had betrayed him...yet I knew it was a matter of life or death. I chose life.
After 3 weeks of quarantine, he and Mom finally were moved to the regular part of the home to receive physical therapy this last Tuesday night. He's been doing a little better the past couple of days. It had gotten to where he couldn't walk from lack of using his muscles and just blood flow restrictions in legs.
Now...he wants to go home. And mom too, who thinks she's been at the airport all this time (she's not able to go home and take care of him). We're exhausted mentally and physically trying to handle things from afar. We couldn't see them if we were in TX right now.
How do you convince them that they no longer can live like they were living...and that he was actually killing Mom physically....and she killing him mentally?
I've posted one other time before. I was overwhelmed by all the info, questions, and such...so forgive me for not being able to reply to all. We're really jumping through hoops right now from sun up to sun down. Just any suggestions on what to say or how you guys deal with this is so appreciated. May God bless all of you and what you're going through. I'll try to be more supportive myself when things slow.
P.S. To those that I've seen post about Narc moms...I get it. I have one and a dysfunctional family. You're not "bad". These are my husband's parents...and I so love them.
My husband just had a very long, hard talk with his Pop. Pop understands what's going on, but it breaks his heart to listen to his wife requesting to go home...so to pacify her, he's been calling one of us kids to say "come get us". We'll just have to instruct him and the anyone who talks to her to tell her "after you're better" or something to the sort and to change the subject quickly.
Last night, there was a fiasco with Pop calling to say someone stole his wallet. He did indeed have his wallet when he was taken by ambulance to the ER before going into the SNF. They were rattled that someone came into the (hotel) room while they were sleeping and stole it. Long story short, he concocted this story of a man stealing it off of him. Can you say big fib? We called the nurse and she came into the room and found it...then took it to store for "safe keeping" for them. We were on the phone and heard that. I'm telling ya...we were both up so late last night that we were both laughing in delirium ourselves! Sometimes it all sounds like a big circus! lol. I guess it's either laugh or cry. Though I've done plenty of that! They are so precious...and comical. Maybe I should write down some of these stories! lol. During isolation, Mom, who wouldn't stay in her room, went walking down the hall. A nurse asked her where she thought she was going. "Where ever the end of this hall takes me!". lol...Gotta love her. And she really is the most pleasant person you'd ever meet. Only she could get away with saying that. lol
We always knew this day was coming. We just wasn't expecting it to be with both parents at once, and surely didn't expect them to be totally unprepared by not planning for their LTC. It's teaching us what we should and shouldn't do in our end of life decisions. I'd never wish this on our kiddos. Thanks again for your, and everyone else's, support here!
"I'd love to take you home, but the Doctor's advice against it. Have to get a bit stronger first". 🥪💩🥪
The situation may pull on your heart strings but put on your visual *common sense hat* - say & do what must be done.
I pray you're getting them into 24/7 care that meets their needs asap!
A loved one who's incoherent (like Pops) can't be entrusted to his, Mother's, or anyone's care. Please get them both into a nice home near family where they will be safe, and take over all their financial obligations, i.e., paying bills, etc., medical needs, and make sure both are fed nutritional meals & cared for properly.
Good luck.