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Well, things overall are not getting much better.



He declined to go on psych meds. Paranoid, anxiety, and argumentativeness are worse. Then I found out he is still speaking to family and telling them he suspects we are stealing his money. I forget who suggested the statement below, but I went ahead and issued him a version of it as a potential threat. So let’s see now how he responds:



"Dad, if you don't trust us, we're more than happy to resign our POA and get rid of ALL this work we do on your behalf which now you want to go over with a fine tooth comb to make sure we're not stealing from you. This has cost US time away from our families and we're getting ulcers from ALL of this. Just let us know NOW if we should resign our POA and have the state take over for us. Once that happens, your life choices are in THEIR hands. Your choice. Just let us know in a few days how YOU choose to proceed."

Excellent!
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Reply to MeDolly
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Do what is good for you .
Dad will complain about you whether you remain POA or you give it up .
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golden23 Jun 29, 2024
I agree, way. No matter which way it goes, dad will be this same.
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struggling - IMO putting the decision in dad's hands won't change things a whole lot and will give him something new to complain about. He has dementia/Alz and is not rational. As well I gather he is very narcissistic.

The time comes when you, the adult children have to make the decisions. He no longer can make sensible ones. Mother complained of theft too. I knew it was her disease.

If being POA is too hard on you and your family, then you should give it up. No one else can make that decision for you. And don't feel guilty about it. You and your family matter too. Narcs are very hard to deal with and particularly hard on the ones that are closest.

I nearly made that decision myself as mother had Borderline Personality Disorder which was challenging and draining all my life. I hung in there, and since have really wondered if it was the right decision for me. She was well cared for in facilities and that likely would have happened with out me involved.
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waytomisery Jun 29, 2024
I was thinking this as well .
Ultimately , strugglin should be choosing what is good for him , not letting his Dad decide.

I also have questioned should I have kept the responsibility for my mother .

I stayed because she was refusing care and sitting in a wet depends . I never got anywhere with her. She would have been doing the same if I walked away .

But my life could have been better .
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I am very interested in what Dad ends up saying ,
After that the ball should stay in strugglin’s court to decide if or when he gives up POA .

I know you know that POA can be given up at anytime . Even if Dad simmers down .
You could decide months later to give it up for any reason .

This chance given to Dad should be a one time offer to suck it up , and stop the nonsense.
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strugglinson Jun 30, 2024
just added the reply...
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So dad called within a day. He said he is very sorry, doesn’t want to lose me, and wants to improve his behavior including being nasty to me and others. So I guess he realizes that he has been doing this behavior towards others .
I told him that being apologetic is one thing , we need to see actual improvements in his attitude and how he treats others trying to help him. He said he will need help in trying to do that. I said that will involve agreeing to trying the psych med. he said he will now try. So let’s see if he follows through now . I will speak by phone but may still delay the next in person visit a bit.
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Anxietynacy Jun 30, 2024
That's awesome!! I do hope it works out
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Stick by ur guns because one slip he will think he has you and go back to his old ways. He really needs to realize he needs you. The table is turning, you are now the adult and him the child. You set boundaries and stick by them. Do not give him the inch.
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strugglinson Jun 30, 2024
I was worrying about this - one week and it might all go back again to how it was.
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Once the stealing accusations start, that would end it for me. We do more than beyond the call for our loved ones (I stepped up to help my EX husband, who had nobody) and don't deserve this crap for the effort we make!
Time away from your own family, and get such insults? I have more money myself and set up a Trust to ensure nobody gets stuck dealing with me when my time comes.
All the oxygen they suck from you, the stubborn and selfish behaviors...I'm sick of hearing the "dementia" excuse we are supposed to accept? Dude, I know you are a caring son and have gone so much out of your way...fighting a loosing battle.
I hope you reconsider your own wife and kids (I have none myself) as your priority and just dump your POA.
I don't know you personally, but I worry about you. I lost my husband 23years ago, and have struggled to survive, with no help.
Remember this: Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. You don't get that time back.
You can hold your head high that you tried. You don't get that time back spent on "protecting" Dad from himself.
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strugglinson Jun 30, 2024
exactly! Some family members say " oh just ignore the stealing accusations, thats part of the dementia, just take in all the statements for him to see", thats easy to say, but very stressful to go through and to hear those accusations.

yes, I can and do take in statements, then that leads to questions about what certain charges were for, etc etc, adding to the hours of time..... its too much
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See the Big Picture:
All the extra time, work and hassle to "prove" yourself to someone who is mentally incompetent?
Did Dad ever work that hard for anyone for free? Just sayin.
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Reply to Dawn88
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I gave up my POA to my aunt. I must say she is not happy with me at all and told me I am out of the will. Truthfully, I don't care because I had to do what was right for me. I was stressed and being taken advantage of from family who lives near her, as well as her. My efforts weren't enough.
Do what is best for you. You come first. Honestly, he can say ok, he'll change and then start right back to how he was again.
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Anxietynacy Jun 30, 2024
Tiredness, good for you!! 😊

He may go back, but I get it she wants to try every angle before she does. Also maybe with Meds he won't.

And you absolutely do have to stick by your guns! I

My mom is really changing, if she goes back , time will tell.
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I didn't visit mother who was in an ALF very often and let some phone calls go to voice mail. She needed medication but didn't want to take it. So finally she was placed in a psychiatric geriatric facility and they worked with her. I think I visited her 2 times over the 9 months she was in there. I had meetings with the staff but didn't see her every time. it was just too hard on me.

It was a very difficult time getting her there but it was the right thing to do. She was hallucinating, accusing threatening etc. I kept my distance and together with the staff made most of the decisions according to what were best for her. Eventually she agreed to taking the meds and was moved to a seniors facility that specialized in mental illnesses (BPD in her case) She did have a choice of three facilities to go to - their way of including her in the decision.

I wonder if your dad is capable of maintaining better behaviour. I was told that mother was too old to change, that her behaviours were too ingrained and the only answer was meds. I agreed with that. My solution to it being too hard on me was to keep emotional and physical distance. I visited only a few times a year, I let many phone calls go to voice mail, I didn't stay long for any visits and went with a supportive other person when I could.

You might work to protect yourself more. I agree going over the financial statements with your dad is not a good idea. If anything I would make one statement that his finances are being well looked after and then change the subject to something else he can go on about that is less upsetting to you.

You and your family matter. Your welfare matters. I know it is hard to break out of patterns but it can be done. I think the biggest change in behaviour has to be in you. Don't threaten - just set boundaries and consequences for breaking them and stay firm.If you were run over by a bus tomorrow dad would still be looked after.
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strugglinson Jun 30, 2024
Thanks. This is helpful. Did you remain as POA in this time ?
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OP, just a minor legal point. The alternative to you having POA is not necessarily the State taking over. If you resign, he could (if legally competent) execute a different POA in favor of someone else – if he can find a willing victim. If he can’t find one, he can think about why ‘nobody loves him’.

Saying that you asked him to execute another different POA may sound better in your own head (or other people’s heads’) than saying that you ‘threw him onto the State’.
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strugglinson Jul 1, 2024
right. I believe I phrased it " find someone else to do al this, or if there is no one, then the state will appointment someone.
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So what if Dad claims you are stealing money? People don't believe his crap for a second. Better to chuck the POA, since he has dementia (is not legally competent) and cannot legally assign POA to another individual.
The State will assign him a lawyer to deal with his complaining. Unless you are paid for this chore, why sacrifice your own life and family?
The hardest thing to accept is that they are NOT the same person anymore. Dementia cannot be cured, medications are (maybe) helpful, and the person is going to get worse. This will never be controlled, no matter what you do.
You can't get that time wasted back. Your own family is your priority.
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