How can I improve communication with elderly mother and my siblings?

CDNReader: thanks for your suggestions. Churchmouse: thank you for your amazing insight into this situation. You are right, I do need just to say "it's your money, do with it as you like". It just makes me so sad that this sort of thing is happening in MY family. All my life I've heard about grouchy old people, relatives who could do more, money being dangled out as a threat or incentive...and now it seems to be the exact situation here. I spoke with my brother today and Mom told him yesterday that she was thinking about cutting the non-communicating grandkids out of will and he seems to be in favor of that. He thinks because my deceased brother left his wife in decent shape that those grandkids don't need to get their dad's share. I asked him, how he'd like it if he passed and his two boys got nothing. Grrrr....I hate this! My mom is so miserable and depressed. I stopped over today to drop some things off and we got into it yet again! She has gotten to the point where she completely twists what I say and makes stuff up. Tonight really drove home the point that so many others have spoken about when their parent has dementia but is still highly functioning. I told her today very nicely that I agreed with her that in a perfect world all those grandkids would call her regularly but she should try real hard not to keep thinking about it because it was just robbing her of her happiness. I said, when we rely solely on others for our happiness we will always be disappointed. Somehow tonight she said I crushed her and hurt her feelings and that she could not believe her daughter would say the things I said to her today. That I had told her that no one comes over because she's grieving and only wants sympathy. She also said today I told her how pretty I am. Believe me, those words never came out of my mouth on any level. What I told her was that I wish she was happy and could have fun...she said that's all I talk about, having fun and I said I liked to have fun, that there's nothing I do that's immoral, illegal or sinful! (She was irritated because I am driving to CA in a few weeks with Daughter #2 and her 4 little ones to visit Daughter #3 that lives in CA. I have asked her to go but she won't saying she is fine staying home and "doesn't need to go roaming around" to have fun). Anyway, it was extremely unpleasant; I feel bad that she's sad and almost incapable of functioning in a normal way due to her depression. I will take your advice and not complicate the situation with the grandkids; just send friendly text reminders from time to time. (The last few times that side of the family has included her, I heard endless accounts how everybody was talking, having a great time and she might as well have stayed home. It's like she wants to be the center of attention.) Are there truly any happy and peaceful old people out there? What do we need to do so we don't do this same thing to our kids?

CTTN, I think you did remarkably well not to spit in that woman's eye! Honestly, the nerve of some people! "I did this. You should do this."

Take it from me instead: I lived with my mother to the end of her life, and I don't recommend it.

I really wouldn't have a problem with gifting the grandchildren according to their relationship with your mother. As long as its HER doing and not yours! People are responsible for their own relationships, and why should you dissuade her from disinheriting the ones who don't bother to contact her?

I am having a conference call with my three (out of state) brothers this weekend regarding our mother (90, lives alone). They want her in Assisted Living. I took her to look at a place this week, and she is very negative about it. No one will be able to force her into AL.

Last week my H and I had to rush over to her condo, because she'd had a "panic attack" in her bathroom and couldn't move, so she was gripping onto her rollator for a few hours. Finally she dropped herself to the floor and crawled into her bedroom to get to the phone (her emergency alert button was in the other bathroom...). We had to pick her up off the floor, she was so weak.

I was very disappointed that her new doctor this week will not prescribe meds for anxiety for elders. The dr. asked me if I thought my mother should be living alone, and I told her that I, my H and my 3 brothers were all questioning it now. Then the dr. told me my mother needs "social support." I just looked at her. She said she needs someone checking in on her every day to see what she needs. I refuse to go to my mother's every day to be presented with my slavery tasks for the day.

BUT I will do it for payment. $20/hour (because it's really $15/hour, since the other $5 is coming from my 1/4 share of my inheritance). And I am NOT going over there every day. I have had a lot to do this week for my mother -- several visits to the tax preparer because she didn't wait for all of her 1099s, visit to the doctor, the crisis on-the-floor visit, Mass, and a session to explain her taxes and work through a mailorder meds mixup (the latter not being her fault). Her friend was taking her to weekly Mass, but now that my mother has been admonished by the PT for not using her rollator whenever she leaves the house, I am the Mass taxi because she couldn't possibly impose on her friend (her words) to life the rollator into and out of the car. Today is a coumadin check and a stop at a grocery store. And then there are the multiple phone calls from her. She has no sense of time, and has no idea how much time she takes. Yet she snapped at me when I reminded her that one of my brothers couldn't be bothered to see her and my father for FIVE years. Why do I have to see her and hear from her all the time, and my sainted brothers are showtimed by her and not expected to do much because they are so "busy"? They wouldn't know what's going on with her if I didn't inform them.

My mother will be furious about my requesting compensation. Furious. But perhaps that will cause her to put me in a timeout? In that case it's not so bad!

I'm really getting into a state about this...at the pool this week I was talking about my mother and one woman told me she'd taken her mother into her home. She implied I should do the same and that I would be "blessed." I got very annoyed at her and said, "I lost a child. YOU lose a child, and then tell me why I should take my mother in so I'm blessed. I've put up with enough."

But SO MANY people just accept that it's one child (usually the daughter) who gets dumped on and becomes the daughter-slave. All for "mama." Nope. Not this daughter, and not for this mama. Not unless I'm compensated (beyond a certain level of involvement...not expecting payment for every little thing, just to be clear!).

LaraLu, for all sorts of reasons (I hardly know where to start) - DON'T GET INVOLVED. Seriously, don't touch it with a stick.

Your mother's decisions about how to divide her estate must be hers and hers alone. Don't offer an opinion. If she brings it up and asks you what you think, just say "it has to be up to you, mother. Not for me to say."

If she's hurt that her grandchildren pay her no attention, then help with that issue. Call them when you're with her, just for a chat and a catch-up. Send them email reminders when her birthday or significant anniversaries are coming up. If you're in touch with them generally, remind them that she'd love to hear from them.

Different branches of the family are brought up with different attitudes, and the divergence of views can get really quite extreme. My kids, like yours, always were close to my mother and remained so. My brother's two boys... very different story: my angry brother yelled at me down the phone for "piling on guilt" after I'd sent a round robin email to all the kids letting them know their granny would be up in town for a week if they wanted to drop in for a quick visit (the kids themselves were absolutely fine about it, and it was only a friendly suggestion for heaven's sake). And with my sister's children, which to this day I still don't understand, it's as though they think there is something actively weird about being fond of your grandmother. ???!!!

You can't know how or why your nieces and nephews come to have the attitudes they do. It isn't fair to make assumptions about it; and especially when there is a significant estate you're getting into choppy waters if you start allocating legacies based on their perceived warmth towards their grandmother.

I appreciate how you feel it would be nice if they would make the effort unprompted. Yes, it would! But that's just modern life: they won't. Faced with the typical To Do list of today's young adults, See Granny won't even make it on there. You have to create the occasions yourself, and hope informal bonds of affection will grow out of them.

Dear kbs,

Sorry to hear you feel taken for granted. I know I would feel the same way too. Its a lot to take on. Please try and start a conversation with your brothers. Its better to know where everyone stands. I wish I had done this for my dad. My sibling just assumed I would do it. I was always such a pleaser and doormat in general. I just carried on doing everything and in the end it was a terrible mistake. I have a lot of anger and resentment that I am still working through.

Dear Laralu,

I hear where you are coming from. Its the same in my family. It seems ever since they got my grandmother into the nursing home, everyone is happy to see her twice a year. Seeing her even once a week seems to be too much. I know all my aunts and uncles have busy lives, but seeing my grandmother is not a priority for them. I tried to see her every week, but I became resentful because none of my own siblings or cousins could even be bothered. There are no easy answers. And the Will and money is also becoming an issue. I guess we all continue doing the best we can.

Its never easy to communicate with our siblings.

Well, like so many of you, I too, am the "one daughter". One brother passed away and my older brother has health issues of his own (except when hunting season rolls around!). It's all me. I am the default person for everything...older brother will help if I guilt him into something (would you mind taking Mom to the doctor please? I've taken her the last 4 times.) Problem is she wants me and only me. She doesn't like his driving, he's grumpy, in a hurry, he picks her up then take her home (no leisurely lunches, side trips to the grocery store or a stroll through a department store, Costco or Walmart). He and I actually have pretty good communication thanks to my assertiveness. My problem is this: my mother has 17 grandkids (13-44). Four of them are my kids. Only my four and one other grandson and his wife call her all the time. They take her out to eat, have her over for all family get-togethers, take meals over to her, take her and pick her up for their kids' events. They are very good, loving and consistent. One other adult grandson, hits her up for money by offering to do stuff around the house. But he ONLY calls and shows up when he needs money. She has set it up so that my deceased brother's children (he had a very large family) will inherit his 1/3 of her and Daddy's estate. She is justifiably upset that she hears from them so infrequently. They all live in our city. Yes, they work, go to school and/or have families. But by their FB postings you can see they all have lots of fun times, vacations...but someone can't find the time to call their grandmother OCCASIONALLY. When I send a group text nicely asking for them to give her a call and NOT to let her know I asked them too, she will get a few calls. 
For Valentine's Day this week, NO one called her except for the usual five I mentioned above. So today she says, she hates to be like this, but she doesn't know why they should wind up with a boatload of her money when she passes when they can't even call her. We are talking about a rather significant amount of money. I don't want to be greedy and wind up getting more than my share, but in some way I agree with her. I responded to her by saying that if she felt that strongly, perhaps she should set up a separate trust for those grandkids that I would be administrator of and it would be solely for educational, medical or legitimate expenses related to family needs like housing. I am not sure this is a good idea...I just wish all the grandkids would reach out to her without having to be asked to. She has been an amazing grandmother. They spent the night with my parents; my mom never missed a birthday, graduation, baptism, communion, confirmation, babyshower, wedding shower or wedding and she babysat ALL THE TIME. Now she makes sure she does the same for her greatgrandkids (23). So I am asking, how you all think I should handle this one!

That's the way it goes. The one daughter left to change the Depends, bring over food, arrange for hired help, get the old b___on Medicaid, and into assisted living/nursing home. There is alway ONE. If there are any other siblings, they have long ago moved FAR AWAY (in my case, all of them, all of them have moved across the country), they do call once in a while 'How is she. How is she. How is she doing? How is Mom? How is Mom doing?" Never anything about YOU that all this is piled on, of course.

I'm my 96 1/2 yr old mother's only caretaker. I got the job because I'm the one daughter out of the three of us who lives in the same state as our mother, and it wouldn't have occurred to me to not take on these responsibilities. I've been on the front lines for over 8-9 years dealing with normal elder care to crisis management, (and that's not including the 4+ years helping my dad through his many sad health crises before he passed away in 2007). It's hard to remember, but I have two older sisters. They rarely call mom and never check on me or how things are going.... unless mom is in the hospital... and in retrospect, I believe they call during those events, (and once my oldest sister traveled here during a crisis) because they thought mom was close to dying! And guess what? Mom keeps recovering and returns home! I gave up hoping my out-of-state sisters would even respond to my ONE request (that I fearfully asked for), just one small thing that would help ME and whether they care for mom or not, it would help mother too... and that one thing was: Could you PLEASE call mother more often (at least... but I didn't say at least) every other day, but it would be so helpful if you could make a short call just check in with her once a day... because our mother is so anxious and lonely, just a phone call really does help her (and me)! But they don't, won't do it. (They call her maybe once a week for one sister, and maybe twice a month for the other). My sisters are 13 and 17 years older than me, happily enjoying their retirement, grand kids, free from financial worry and FREE of any actual responsibilities to their mother. They probably resent that mother decided to "pay" me for the work I'm doing for her. It took me until this year to consider that maybe I shouldn't feel guilty that she decided to compensate me for all my work. I still feel guilty, though. Because if she doesn't outlive her savings, if I don't have to sell her property to pay for her care, then I would receive more than the equal 1/3 of her and dad's estate. But after all these years, if I added up my time and if I were paid the standard caregiver salary of $20/hour AND considering the $40K a year I've saved mom by helping to keep her at home rather than forcing her into Assisted Living, my work and that savings is far more than my "extra" inheritance. *SIGH* My sisters and niece seem to only have one thing to say when mom is having a health crisis, and that's to SELL HER HOUSE and/or MOVE HER INTO Assisted Living! So... That's my caretaker and sibling story. I understand why my sisters don't have familial "love" for our mother. She was cruel and we were all wounded. But I'm here and I'm caring for the mother who hurt me. AND it's been hurtful that my sisters don't love ME, not enough to call/email/text and check in, not enough to add a short phone call to their mother more often if only for my sake. Maybe they never grew past their early wounds and can't freely give or "love without strings attached". I can and do understand that, and that's sad for all of us. Ahhh well. Life is not supposed to be easy. Best not to have "expectations" and do not make "assumptions". Keep moving forward... but, oh, I am so very weary.

I have a friend from the most dysfunctional family you can imagine. There are half a dozen children of a textbook case of narcissitic mother, all well off middle class or better, and my friend is IT. My friend is on welfare, has no contact with her half-brothers from previous relationships, and is doing everything for her 94 year old mother, alone. They have not had any contact, given any money, called, or visited (maybe once or twice in the past year) and my friend has been doing all the caregiving, etc. (the mother is 94 but I hasten to add is in fairly good health and NO dementia. Orders my friend around like a servant.) So my friend got the mother into assisted living as she can't do too much on her own any more, but she utterly refuses to have any contact with the other half-siblings. She despises them, says she didn't grow up with them, and if they won't help out their mother, they can go to h3ll, she will just do everything all by herself! Now, my friend is calling me crying, 'what happens when mom dies, she has no money, how will I bury her? Can I have her cremated? How much does that cost? Will the county pay to have her cremated?' and on and on.....OY! I said, 'why don't you call your half-brothers' and OMG that opens up the floodgates! Hysterical anger at them, 'they KNOW mom is in assisted living, they won't visit, they sent a Christmas card and that was IT, I hate them, they can just go to h3ll!' There is nothing 'legal' set up, no POA, etc. (as I said, the mother has all of her wits.) It is so ridiculously dysfunctional, no one would ever believe it....but this kind of thing happens so much more often than anyone would believe, even in 'good families'. Everything gets dumped on that one daughter who lives in the area. (that happened to me, too!)

I know I already jumped in here--but this is a subject that seems to pop up regularly on this site.
The sad truth it, a LOT of people just do NOT do "elderly people" well. Meaning, being around them, interacting with them, is just too much, My own daughter is terrified of aging (today, ironically, is her birthday--amazing how those just keep happening!) She is petrified of aging--age spots, incontinence, the "old person smell"--it all just scares the bejeebies out of her. I don't think she's alone. (There has to be a word that means "fear of elderly people")
As far as parents aging--well, if you are not intimately involved with that process, it can be scary and frightening, esp if dementia is present. Mother's slide is very slow, mostly, then she'll have an "episode" or something and she's worse, the she plateaus out for a while. I see it, as I spend a LOT if time with her. My sister sees her once or twice a year and gets so upset. If she saw her once a month (SAW, not CALLED) she'd actually see the physical changes too. Perhaps that would help her cope.
I've called so many "family councils" I can't even count them. Nobody comes. Nobody cares unless there's something huge. So, try, definitely, but don't expect the MIA sibs to suddenly change.

I also love being in timeout. I usually do stuff for myself I don't have time for, otherwise.

Get all your legal paperwork ready before your mother is not mentally sufficient to do so!!! Don't expect your brothers to ever help if the don't already. This is very common in families. And of course if mom is very proud and people don't care for her now...they won't later either. good luck

Midkid58 writes: "Mother is hard to spend time with--none of us is close to her and she actually will send us away for periods of time ( I am in timeout right now, myself) for "bad" behavior (I tried to clean her apartment)."

I was put in timeout when my mother huffed to me after our huge argument last May that she would never ask me to do anything ever again. Her daily (sometimes several times a day) phone calls ceased for a while.

I loved being in timeout!

In the same situation here.
My mother lives with my brother, so she is by no means "alone". How much they interact with her is an unknown as she tells me they "never" some to see her, and they say they ALL pop their heads in at least once a day.
My 4 other sibs are totally MIA. Mother isn't even on their radar.
I started emailing them once a month or so to give them little updates as to mom's current doings and such and remind them to call or visit. I DID insist that EVERYONE visit her over Christmas, and all came through.
In reality, they usually go months between phone calls or visits. You cannot control that.
Mother is hard to spend time with--none of us is close to her and she actually will send us away for periods of time ( I am in timeout right now, myself) for "bad" behavior (I tried to clean her apartment).

Long story short, you cannot force, coerce nor guilt someone in to visiting anyone. I do what I can, and let the chips fall where they may. (It used to drive me crazy, but I have let that go. I can't control my sibs.)

kbs, I am suspecting that you are going to be the one expected to be the caregiver as your mother declines. We've seen the story here many times -- the proud stubborn elder doesn't want any help, but if they have to have it, it can ONLY be one family member (looks like that is going to be you).

What are you currently doing for your mother, and what more do you expect to be doing for her in the next six months or so? Does she drive? Does she clean her house? Does she cook and prepare her own meals? Can she manage her own finances?

I am the local daughter to my 90 y/o mother (who lives alone). I have three out-of-state brothers. Whenever I take her someplace (or my dh or I have to do something for her), I send an e-mail to my three brothers for documentation purposes. I first started doing this when my mother accused me of lying when I told her I had to stay with her for 8 days and nights when she somehow hurt her back and became almost helpless. If there is any question down the line about what I did or didn't do for her, I will have all the emails as documentation.

I have her health care proxy (which can only be activated if she is incapable). The four of us sibs have a durable general POA. Only two of my brothers have access to her money, though, as they are the successor trustees for her trust. And they can only access it if she is incapable. That could get sticky, I suppose, at some point, but that's what my mother wanted. If any decisions have to be made regarding her money, I will step back and away until they are made. (So that will force at least one of those two successor trustees to come down and help make the decision about what facility my mother ends up in, if it comes to that.) And if it comes to the point where I feel I am taken advantage of, I will request payment. If that payment isn't forthcoming, my help to our mother stops.

Another suggestion is to have a family meeting and tell all at once what is needed. Give the benefit of doubt that they may want to help. You'll find out where they stand,but can't stress enough the get legal stuff a sap.

Not speaking from personal experience but I had a friend that did. When they contacted the siblings they didn't see often, they found out that they were more than willing to help. They didn't know help was needed or wanted. Would be great if that turned out to be your situation. But like others have said, make sure of who has power to make decisions. Do it now. I've always said the answer is always no until the question is asked. Got nothing to lose trying.

Good answers for you all around. If you are going to be the primary caregiver, be certain that you have Power Of Attorney for both finances and health. Also, as mentioned, don't just drift into being the caregiver. Insist on a family meeting, on Skype if necessary, to iron out what you will do and what your siblings must do. Dig in your heels and say that each of them needs to do something. If that doesn't work, you can tell them that you will let social services take over and that's not going to be pleasant for anyone. Maybe that will light a fire under your siblings.

I wish you the best. All too often the daughter is the one expected to do it all. Some can and some can't. If you can't, that doesn't make you bad. You may want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
Good luck,
Carol

Jean's answer is 100% right. Never take on the role of caretaker unless you or a trusted professional non-family member is the POA and health advocate. Non involved siblings will often diminish the effort of the caretaker. As best as possible focus on your parents and expect little help.

Talking to your siblings may bring some new insight. You will find out how much time they can offer and maybe they could offer fresh ideas about mom's safety and care. Once you reach out and know where they are and if they will help then I agree with other members who suggest a POA. With your moms age it's better to get something legally binding now so you will be able to make the decisions and honor moms wishes.
Prayers and best of luck.

You must start the communication process. Download an app called Ink Cards-very simple photo post card app. Take pictures of you and your mom or just your mom. For $1.99 including postage you send them every week to both brothers. Ask them to send back post cards to mom. She will love them, they will be reminded over and over. Set up a weekly schedule for the local brother to visit and do something around the house or take your mom to lunch or an appointment. Encourage the brother 3 hours away to up his visits to weekly. The postcards will get the ball rolling. I think you are local? You don't say. If you take the lead, they will follow. Keep inviting, encouraging and communicating.

Do you officially have durable POA, and healthcare POA? If not, I think that is the first thing to work out. If you are caring for Mom, you should be the one who can make decisions for her.

Then you can inform your brothers of Mom's status periodically, but you won't need their blessing or approval.

This is similar to my family. I have been caring for my parents for years, and my five siblings have some excuse why they cant help.

Two years ago, after both my parents had falls, I went ahead move them to move suitable accommodation. None of my siblings come forward to help. Then, I have to entice them by suggesting that we may make a capital gain with the new unit, would anyone wants to share the investment. That brought in three of my siblings into the loop.

It was a tough job.

kbs, I am pushing this post back to the first page to see if you can get any answers.