My in-laws, in their 80s, live in a rural area with no family near by. Their children are estranged from their parents and each other. Dad's an abusive alcoholic and Mom's an enabler.
His father has physical issues and needs help getting around. His mother seems to be failing mentally - she somehow cancelled their phone service a few months ago, leaving them truly isolated. They insist they will age in place, but they refuse to hire help or to modify their house.
During our most recent visit, my MIL told my husband that she can't manage on her own and she plans to move in with us when her husband passes. I wasn't there, so I don't know if she meant she wants to move to our town or if she thinks she's going to live in our home. The messed up part is that there's no reason to think her husband won't outlive her. She already clearly cannot cope and knows this, but she won't do anything her husband doesn't want to.
This has been weighing on me for weeks. Part of it is that I wound up caring for my own abusive parent at the end of life not too long ago. It just makes me mad that parents can treat you like crap, but then they expect you to just drop everything in your life to deal with their problems because they couldn't be bothered to do it themselves.
It is not your responsibility to figure out, provide or pay for care for your in-laws. There is a family,albeit a toxic one. It’s their responsibility, not your’s to make a plan. Step back, don't get involved and don’t participate in any plans or decisions unless those plans involve you directly. And then put your foot down.
"It just makes me mad that parents can treat you like crap, but then they expect you to just drop everything in your life to deal with their problems because they couldn't be bothered to do it themselves." I totally agree and understand. (((((hugs))))
I remember you went through some really tough talks with your husband regarding care for his parents and how his parents expected you to step up. I was really mad as I read and found myself rooting and cheering for you as you succeeded in convincing your husband to stand up to his parents.
You should post a link to that thread here or send it to faralee. I think it will be beneficial for her to read.
Yes - they were very angry that we said "NO" to living together - but the situation was even uglier due to my husband waffling for a couple of months letting them talk and plan as if this were really going to happen.
They are still extraordinarily angry and often try to guilt trip us.
I can see us revisiting this fight if my FIL passes away first. My MIL is from another country, has always had someone take care of her, and will likely expect to live with us. My husband is going to feel sorry for her and feel guilty. I will be the one saying "NO" and bear the brunt from family - especially the family overseas because I'm abandoning the poor old widow. BUT - no way, no how could I live with her. NO there will not be a "let's try it and see if it works out" because we know once the little old widow is here - there is no turfing her out and my husband would not have the strength.
Say NO now. Get it out in the air.
I don't have a separate relationship with them i.e. he talks to them on the phone, not me, so I just have to hope that he passes along the message that our house is not an option. At a separate point during the visit she was talking to me about the senior apartment her own mother had, so I'm hoping that's what she wants herself. Neither of his parents took on any responsibility for caring for their own parents, interestingly.
I know that I have to just back right away from this situation and not take it on (or the worrying about what will happen). Like golden said, a crisis will likely force their hand at some point. They will wind up having fewer options than they would if they planned ahead, but that's the route they want to take.
If she knows the answer is NO, he can be involved in the planning of her selecting a medicare nursing home in her home state. If he does not want to have anything to do with her, then the state can be her guardian. It all works out if she stays out of your house.