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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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A friend of mine had a similar problem with her mother focusing on hugging and kissing children. She changed their lunch outings to small bars that served food in order to avoid the possibility. "Dive bars" became their safe haven from children. As polarbear advised, she had to physically restrain her mother from touching children.
With dementia the "social filters" we have that have allowed us to lead a life in society are lost. This is why someone who may never uttered a single swear word now sounds like a longshoreman. (apologies to any longshoremen on the site) This is why a gentleman will decide it is OK to pee on the backyard fence. This is why a person may get touchy feely, or want to kiss everyone. You try to divert the kiss and make it a handshake, or you try turning the person in another direction, you stand in front of your LO and start a conversation with the person. If he gets there first you can apologize and say "I'm sorry about that, dad has dementia and he is very outgoing"
At some point the outings may have to stop. When it is no longer safe to take someone out you readjust your schedule or where you go.
Go shopping when it is less crowded Have a picnic lunch in the park rather than a restaurant. (or only go to a little local place where everyone knows everyone and they all know dad and what is going on.)
There does come a time in dementia when a person cannot be taken out in public anymore. The caregiver has to have common sense and discretion on where and when they should stop taking someone to certain places.
For example when someone is urine and bowel incontinent, has to be spoon fed, or can still self-feed but slops it all over the place that's when going to restaurants should stop.
If they're trying to kiss strangers, making inappropriate comments, and are scaring children or making others uncomfortable that's when it's time to stop taking them out in public. Socialization needs can be met by adult day care a a few hours a week. They are staffed to deal with dementia behaviors. Or visiting close friends and family who are aware of their conditions can be their socialization too. It's all about caregiver discretion.
I think my sister is beginning to have this problem too. A few weeks ago she met her young (30-ish) male neighbor in the hallway of their apartment building. He was pleasant and friendly, enquiring how she was. Her response seemed over the top to me, almost giddy to see him again, and she gave him a great big hug like she would one of her adult grandsons. It was definitely too much, imo. The neighbor was nice enough to laugh it off and take it in stride.
Last week at Farmers Market her balance was off and she stumbled into a man next to her. Instead of backing up, giving the man space, she clutched onto his arm and began chatting him up like they were old friends. The man removed her hand from his arm as I steered her away.
Today at a picnic, I reintroduced her to someone she had been aquainted with a few years ago, but definitely not someone she knew well at all. My sister was, again, over the top friendly, and gave the woman a huge hug like they were long lost friends. I could tell the woman was put off by it.
I have no doubt my sister is doing her best to be the outgoing, friendly person she use to be...but no longer really able to read the social cues, or remember what behavior is appropriate for those who are not family members. I can only hope she doesn't get any more extreme than this.
You can try telling them but either it may not register or they'll forget it quickly. I'm assuming you've already tried this or you wouldn't be asking on this forum.
Figure out a diplomatic way to intervene when you see your LO is fixing to kiss someone, like step in front of them and take their right hand and extend it to shake the other person's, or tell them they've had a cold and need to keep the contact to just handshakes, etc. Be creative.
I find that it does register with someone when they are told in the moment. Of course they will not remember for the next time you take them out.
I had a few clients always women, who would be all over kids they didn't know and go crazy if they saw a baby somewhere. I would tell them quietly but firmly that they were acting ridiculous and if they don't stop we will be leaving. It usually worked. When it didn't I was true to my word and we'd leave wherever we were. Other clients when the snide and rude comments to and about strangers started up, that was usually when I called it a day on taking them out in public.
MD1748: Thanks again for your kind words...I also sometimes wish for a sister like me - but am more convinced than ever before that looking to strangers for end of life care really is the better way to go (I speak only for myself, of course.)
Read your profile. So guess I mean tell him not to. You tell us nothing, Susie, so it is difficult for us to tell what's happening. If this is a senior who has severe dementia then folks are going to have to maintain distance; this is a very bad habit to have in this our time.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
This is why someone who may never uttered a single swear word now sounds like a longshoreman. (apologies to any longshoremen on the site)
This is why a gentleman will decide it is OK to pee on the backyard fence.
This is why a person may get touchy feely, or want to kiss everyone.
You try to divert the kiss and make it a handshake, or you try turning the person in another direction, you stand in front of your LO and start a conversation with the person.
If he gets there first you can apologize and say "I'm sorry about that, dad has dementia and he is very outgoing"
At some point the outings may have to stop.
When it is no longer safe to take someone out you readjust your schedule or where you go.
Go shopping when it is less crowded
Have a picnic lunch in the park rather than a restaurant. (or only go to a little local place where everyone knows everyone and they all know dad and what is going on.)
For example when someone is urine and bowel incontinent, has to be spoon fed, or can still self-feed but slops it all over the place that's when going to restaurants should stop.
If they're trying to kiss strangers, making inappropriate comments, and are scaring children or making others uncomfortable that's when it's time to stop taking them out in public. Socialization needs can be met by adult day care a a few hours a week. They are staffed to deal with dementia behaviors. Or visiting close friends and family who are aware of their conditions can be their socialization too. It's all about caregiver discretion.
You will have to physically stop him each time unless the potential receiver wants to be kissed.
Last week at Farmers Market her balance was off and she stumbled into a man next to her. Instead of backing up, giving the man space, she clutched onto his arm and began chatting him up like they were old friends. The man removed her hand from his arm as I steered her away.
Today at a picnic, I reintroduced her to someone she had been aquainted with a few years ago, but definitely not someone she knew well at all. My sister was, again, over the top friendly, and gave the woman a huge hug like they were long lost friends. I could tell the woman was put off by it.
I have no doubt my sister is doing her best to be the outgoing, friendly person she use to be...but no longer really able to read the social cues, or remember what behavior is appropriate for those who are not family members.
I can only hope she doesn't get any more extreme than this.
I think my default advice now for anyone’s problem will be: they need a little cat.
Should I get POA? They need a little cat.
How do I get my LO to shower? They need a little cat.
Not sure if they mentioned to what degree the kissing is.
Figure out a diplomatic way to intervene when you see your LO is fixing to kiss someone, like step in front of them and take their right hand and extend it to shake the other person's, or tell them they've had a cold and need to keep the contact to just handshakes, etc. Be creative.
I find that it does register with someone when they are told in the moment. Of course they will not remember for the next time you take them out.
I had a few clients always women, who would be all over kids they didn't know and go crazy if they saw a baby somewhere.
I would tell them quietly but firmly that they were acting ridiculous and if they don't stop we will be leaving. It usually worked. When it didn't I was true to my word and we'd leave wherever we were.
Other clients when the snide and rude comments to and about strangers started up, that was usually when I called it a day on taking them out in public.
Thanks again for your kind words...I also sometimes wish for a sister like me - but am more convinced than ever before that looking to strangers for end of life care really is the better way to go (I speak only for myself, of course.)