Hi its Nazdrovia again
I probably sound like a broken record. My 85 yo father is frequently making rude and inappropriate comments. He's always had opinions on people but had a bit more discretion. But now he is worse and its sometimes about people I care about, more and more, where its getting to the point that I dread going out in public with him or even having a conversation with him. He comments on how fat a person is, or how someone's nostrils are too big or someone has tattoos esp on women which he hates. He points at them and its very embarrassing. If I don't agree with him or get annoyed at his comments he lashes out at me and turns it around so I'm the bad person. I just end up hating being with him. This is the same person who preaches religion constantly. When will it end????
Is this dementia related or he is just two faced and a nasty old man?
Here's what you can do with your father.
Tell him you will no longer be taking him out of the house because his behavior is cruel, inappropriate and that being seen with him is an embarrassment you are no longer willing to bear. This is one way to handle it.
There's this way too.
When you have to bring him somewhere and he starts with the behavior treat him exactly the way you'd treat a child acting up. Call him out in front of everyone then make him apologize to the person he's talking about offensively.
I've had many homecare clients who thought they were entitled to say anything they might be thinking. I had one who every day had to keep telling me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I look fine, but she'd viciously critique everything you can imagine and this woman liked me. I used to take her out all the time. She was embarrassing in public about other people too. Her kids who rarely even saw her claimed she had dementia but it wasn't officially diagnosed.
One day it just got to me and I gave it back. I said that if she says one more thing I would leave her. That I'm the only person who goes to her house and helps her. I'm the only one who takes her out. I told her that no one else visits and her kids don't care. I told her that if I leave she can go rot in a nursing home because no one else is going to do for her.
She never made another comment to me again after that. She never made one to a stranger in public again either. Give this a try with your father.
Mind you, he is living in the house of my very kind and generous husband who has put him up because he loves me.
But i think i will be getting to the point where I will call him out on his BS soon. I'm just waiting for someone to react to it.
We all make our choices in life and then live with the consequences of those choices.
Even if he has dementia, he'll eventually see that his behavior is causing you to back away from him & see him less & less. If he chooses to continue the rancid behavior, then he's made the decision to see less & less of his daughter. Unless his dementia is advanced, he's aware of what he's doing, the choices he's making, and the effect it's having on the relationship with his daughter.
Good luck!
The aforementioned indicates he is deliberately being rude, most likely because reactions entertain him, which in layman's terms, he could be described as "a two faced and nasty old man."
Unfortunately, if that's the case, then the only solution is to understand that he will not "change," because he is internally rewarded thru everyone's shocked reactions (positive or negative-as long as someone reacts). In other words, all of the reactions are his reward, and thus motivation to continue provoking, and eliciting reactions from others.
With that understanding you become empowered, due to the predictability of his behaviors.
Now it has come back to haunt her.
She needs help to go shopping and I refuse to help her so now I do the shopping myself. She used to be a real social butterfly but now because I refuse to go out in public with her she is regulated to staying in one room in her house. It is pure living Hell for her but she deserves it.
May I suggest you politely and firmly inform your dad his behavior is not welcomed and if he does it again you will just walk away and leave him where he is. And, you will never go out in public with him again.
I did this once in a supermarket queue, and it came from the gut without me thinking. A couple my age were in the queue behind me, the guy looked like ‘I’m too important for this shopping, it’s stupid women’s work’. The person in front of me was having trouble at the checkout with their card and pin, and this guy starts up loudly saying blah blah blah. I turned around and said ‘Be Quiet’. His wife grinned, his face froze and he went totally silent.
If they really know that it's rude, Keep It Simple!
Come to think of it, I did have to be brutally honest with my husband’s grandmother in public a few times because her comments were so outrageous that I was afraid that I would be killed as the innocent bystander.
I can’t even repeat the things she said in restaurants, shopping centers, etc.
A few times, I pretended not to know her! LOL 😂
My prim and proper godmother used to go out to lunch with my elderly cousin every week, who was also a very prim and proper woman.
My cousin said she would politely excuse herself to go to the ladies room.
When she went back to the table, my godmother would ask her in a very loud voice, “Did everything come out okay?” 😂 LOL
My cousin was embarrassed to go out to eat with her. Of course, later on we found out that my godmother had ALZ and eventually moved into a nursing home.
I made the mistake of asking my husband’s grandmother how she felt, just before dining in a fancy uptown restaurant. I was in my 20’s at the time. Trust me, never ever again did I ask her how she felt in public!
She blurted out, in a very loud voice, “I have tightness of the stool. I need a laxative!” 😂
LOL, I wanted to crawl under the table. Everyone heard her comment. The man at the next table pushed his plate away. She ruined his appetite. Others were either laughing or had shocked looks on their faces!
She didn’t have ALZ. She was just a nutcase! 😂
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