My 80 yr old MIL has ALZ for 5 years, moderate stage with confusion, aggression, memory loss, living with us. However, she is quite healthy and capable of doing bathing, toilet etc on her own. My problem is over interference of spouse's siblings. They visit every week and every time they visit, they come up with something new like she has this symptom, she may have UTI, she has pain in the leg, it could be diabetes related infection etc. I feel every time they point out this, it's as if they are finding credit in finding something new and makes it feel like we are not doing our job. My MIL has a habit of stating symptom/ pain one day and she's forgotten about it the next day which means it doesn't exist. We end up taking her to the doctors and tests and nothing to be found wasting time and energy off our work hours. I just find this to be a constant stress as if they want all the focus and attention to be on the MIL. Also, they make up some new excuse to visit every week (sometimes multiple times weekly) such as making her shower, arranging her drawers etc., inspite of us telling them we are able to manage and sometimes even stay over on the weekends. I understand their concerns for their mother but I am confident that we are providing good caregiving and I don't want my weekend to be spent entertaining them and their newly discovered worries..How to nicely deal with it without hurting them?
Say it in a sympathetic, concerned voice, and without rancor.
I'll bet if you do that to them a few times, and make them travel her back and forth to the various doctor appointment, they'll be less likely to jump at every complaint. It might even be an eye opener for them.
Also, it's a good idea for the armchair critics to read all about Alzheimer's so they can get a better idea of how their mother's mind works or doesn't work. Every ache and pain does not need to be looked at by a doctor otherwise you'll be there every single day and at the ER on the weekends. Unless THEY would like to take on the responsibility of schlepping her back & forth to these doctor visits they find necessary?
Everyone in the family needs to pitch in and HELP out; they need to DO things to facilitate their mother's care, whether it be taking her to appointments, or helping with showers, or bringing meals by on a rotating schedule, etc. Just pointing out 'flaws' in your caregiving serves NO useful purpose and only adds to you burning out even FASTER than you normally would. Then the full burden of MILs care falls on THEM.
Find a way to get these messages across to the family w/o being too harsh, but being firm at the same time. You're doing a HUGE job here and thanks are more in order than anything else.
When the siblings identify some new symptom or issue with your MIL's health your spouse can say, "Thank you. I'll see if she makes a complaint about it again tomorrow since with ALZ she doesn't interpret pain in the way you and I do. Then I will consult with her doctor to see what he thinks. If he thinks she should be seen I'll schedule an appointment and call to coordinate when you can take her in." If they back peddle out of it, then you can drop it.
Does MIL live with you in your house? If so you and spouse can thank them for visiting her but request that they tell you in advance when they are coming to visit. After all, it's your home. Tell them this will allow you to plan for a much-needed break and do errands while they entertain her. Once a week is great, thank you!
If it's not your home (but you live there too) then it's different. They see themselves as visiting their mother, not you two. Yet their visits still have an impact on your schedule. When they show up you can disappear and don't feed them or cater to them in any way. Just say, "Good to see you! Thanks for coming! We'll be stepping out for a while to take a break and do personal errands."
Honestly I think you are being just a smidge sensitive about it. After all, it is their mother! when they come and fuss over her it's not an indictment of your caregiving -- it's their way of showing her love. With their time and attention. Most people on this forum have the opposite problem: no help or even communication from family...so maybe count your blessings. If they get their noses out of joint no matter how nicely this is all communicated, then maybe they should be doing the caregiving as it will only get more suspicion-based if you act too controlling.
I am sorry. It is difficult to handle this. and YES< THEY WILL GOSSIP ABOUT YOU. I would put money on that. But if this doesn't work then you and your hubby are going to have to form some much more CLEAR BOUNDARIES. And you will have to enforce them, for your own sanity. Which I have NO IDEA how you are keeping it. Your sanity, that is. Wishing you so much luck and hope you will update us.
- ‘Whenever people visit or phone, all they seem to talk about is MIL! That doesn’t give me a break at all!’.
- ‘I never seem to get a chance even to go for a walk around the block with my mask on, just to get some time on my own with something different to look at’.
- ‘I am so tired of having to cook just the things that MIL can remember from years ago. I’m living in a culinary time-warp! What would I give for some (eg hot curried prawns)’.
- I’m really stuck in a rut. If you can come up with ideas I’d be so grateful!’
If they have any imagination at all, they may think about what they could do to change things. If not, keep repeating it until the penny drops.