Mom is in declining health and I decided to call a family meeting, a few months ago, Siblings only.
It has caused so much conflict with my SIL’s because they were not invited to attend.
* I really just wanted it to be with my brothers only for our first meeting.
I found out after the meeting was over from different sources that they wanted their wives there as well.
I know that the conversation would have been just the wives talking, and the brothers would have not voiced their opinion.
My favorite SIL is the most upset, because I told her because of the way everyone is acting, which is ridiculous, I really don’t want all the SIL’s at the next meeting.
So she said, if your not going to invite the spouses, then don’t ask us to do anything for your Mom.
The plain and simple truth is they don’t do much for Mom anyway.
I have asked them to do things for Mom in the past, and they will if I ask, but they are not happy about it.
I’m not very good at talking about this matter.
It totally upsets me, nor do I want a SIL to take over, I’ve had enough of that in the last 7 yrs since dad past away.
I know; To keep peace they need to be invited to the next meeting. BUT
It makes me anxious thinking about it.
To make matters worst, Mom wants me there with her all the time, and if I’m not there, she talks about me to the other siblings. It’s hurtful.
I just feel like I’m burning out as a caregiver, and all this stress has taken a toll on me. Not sure what to do.
# Not looking forward to when and if, I need to call another meeting with everyone because
It will be, to put Mom in a nursing home because of her falling.
# My husbands family have meetings about their Mom, without spouses being included.
It doesn’t bother me at all.
If you are burning out, you may have to let others help.
I am not married, so I do not have a spouse to include, but I would never exclude my sil from a discussion about my parents' care needs. When my step dad was dying she was an incredible support and help.
You have in the past asked your sils to help with Mum, then excluded them from the meeting where you were discussing Mum's care. That would upset me too. You expect me to step up and help with caregiving, but not have a say in what that care giving may entail.
Or do you expect your brothers to decide what roles their wives will play?
You say you are burning out, yet you are cutting off your nose to spite your face by not including your strongest allies in the discussions. You have hurt your favourite SIL, perhaps permanently damaged that relationship.
How do you reconcile that you want help, but not from your sils?
Who cares is Mum talks about you to your siblings when you are not there? Why is that a problem?
You appear to want to control everything, from who has a say in Mum's care, who provides it, to who Mum talks to and everything in between.
You have 8 potential allies, 4 brothers and 4 sisters in law. 8 people who can help with Mum in some manner. Yes, this also means 8 differing opinions on how Mum's care should be provided, but so many here are having to provide care to their parents with no help at all.
I understand being the oldest and feeling the weight of everything on your shoulders, but you have 8 people who can take some of the burden off you if you are willing to give up some of the control.
You are right in so many ways, but what I didn’t say in my letter, is I was asking for help from my brothers in not telling me everything Mom says. It bothers me because she says untrue things about me and it hurts. I do everything for her and it’s doesn’t seem to be enough.
I was asking them to come see her or call her more.
We made no actual plans for mom.
It was just everyone’s attitude that has me rattled.
Rebecca, I think you've put your finger on it. The point about excluding SILs from the *initial* meeting is not that their input isn't valued; it's that their being there will pretty much guarantee that mother's actual children, your brothers, will gaze out of the window while the women talk about women's work, and still be permitted to think they've done their bit. How to get them to involve themselves?
If I had the answer I would share it. I tried, I failed. One SIL very much acted as my brother's deputy and my efforts to explain that you cannot deputise being your mother's favourite child led only to damaging conflict and did nothing to increase his participation. The other was much easier and nicer to deal with, but then again neither she nor brother were around to speak of.
Do your SILs resent time their husbands give to your mother? Are they being protective of their husbands, as they see it?
It might honestly be simpler to work round the lot of them. What sort of thing would you hope they'd take on?
have the boys interact with mom more, and stop telling me every untrue thing she has to say about me to them.
The more I do for Mom the more she tells the boys the opposite. They know better but it is truly hurtful to me. They don’t go in and take care of her, and spend a night or two and have their feelings hurt like me. They understand how hurtful Mom can be, as she has done this to them too, well; a few of them .
I have tried talking to Mom, but she just says I take everything she says the wrong way.
I asked the boys to intervene, and have a talk with Mom, that’s all I did.
A lot of people on here say I was wrong, I didn’t know talking to your brothers for an hour or so could be so wrong.
If the girls would have came, they brothers would have left the table and went out and had a beer in the driveway. I just wanted to ask the bros to help me out, because I’m having a hard time with all of this.
We made no plans other than the brothers visit or call more,; so mom is not getting bored and picking at me.
Which I’m sure they told their wives it was a waste of their time.
It may sound immature of me to ask for help from my brothers, but it was a shot in the dark.
I suspect that you are not bothered by your husband having meetings about his mom without you because you have your hands full with your own mother.
Understand that your brothers are married and they make decisions jointly with their wives. The choices made for your mother will affect everyone - you, your spouse, your brothers' spouses, kids, etc. Caregiving must work for everyone involved. If you want your brothers involved, it behooves you to include their wives.
I agree that you have alienated allies. Swallow your pride, call each of your SILs to apologize, and then ask them individually what they think about your mother's declining health. Consider inviting their wives for coffee and cake to your home. The sooner you make peace with your SILs the sooner you will have your brothers' support. If their wives aren't onboard, your brothers won't be either.
I took up the care cause for my MIL since she had sons and my 2 other SILs were not very involved. Having the agenda was truly helpful. The more people, the more complicated it can be but make sure everyone knows one of the goals is to keep things streamlined and have people participate in ways in which they are comfortable. My out-of-state BIL was happy to contribute financially because he couldn't do anything personally. Also, come to meetings with info researched, accurate info, price sourced, options, etc. People will really appreciate this and takes away excuses for not helping. Never make a spending decision and then ask for money after the fact.
Also I recommend sending out a group email whenever you do things for your mom that everyone should know about. This keeps everyone in the loop with the same info; it lets family know how much work goes into the care; it gives family the opportunity to offer help without you having to ask. They can never say, "I didn't know..."
For those who just don't really want to help...you can't make them. That's their choice, they are not obligated, they may have good reasons, and you will need to just walk away from that or resentment will build and eat up your emotional reserves. Good luck!
I too may have asked just her children be present. Mom may not have appreciated the DILs knowing her business. Depends on the relationship she has with them. Hey, she may not have wanted her own sons to know.
Men tend to allow the females to do their thing. I can see why u wanted their undivided attention. If money or care was brought up, they are big boys all they had to say was "I need to run this by my wife". Really, if the SILs have not gone out of their way by now, will they? Really, its the son's responsibility to help with Moms care. We have to get away from "its a women's job". No, I don't expect them to bathe or toilet Mom but they can come get her for the day, Take her to dinner or lunch or shopping.
I have been there and I didn't apologize. When my SIL took over helping Mom with Dads funeral flowers I said nothing until it got to the grandsons flowers. I asked to see the catalog because my daughter asked me to pick something out in her place. My SIL was mad the rest of the day. I am the oldest, the only daughter and the one who stayed in the same town. And my SIL overlooked that. She got happy. And we r still close.
You do what u need to do to mend fences. Tell them u needed your brothers undivided attention. If they can't understand that, then oh well.
I DO understand you wish to make it something with the brothers; I agree that the women tend to take over "the chat" often and that "men allow that and are more or less used to it; I am certain that isn't ALWAYS the case, but it is my experience in any meetings for 77 years, and often working with families in those meetings.
NOW, we get down to the nitty gritty. What is it you expect out of these meetings? What are they FOR? I think that you indicate you are the hands on-live in caregiver? And it sounds as though you do not wish to be any longer. Perhaps this is all getting tangled in discussion and semantics. You may have a plan to ask for more support. Almost certainly you know that hands on support would be coming often enough from the women, the spouses? If it comes at all. I think perhaps this is not going to "work" but I can't know until I know what it is you want.
IF in fact, hands on daily caregiving is now something you do not wish to do, I think that is the issue, and I think it should be spoken right out, made crystal clear, gently done; just to say that you cannot any longer handle it. Does ANYONE, spouse or bro, have any suggestions that might help, or are you looking now at placement care. If you are, then you are down to who has the POA, who wishes to participate without a lot of argument in chosing the care and etc.
You may be looking at a situation where you are not going to see a lot of support or caring or help with ANYTHING, and you will need to make your own decisions, making it clear to the family as you go along what those decisions are and why you are making them. This includes of course, your Mom, if she is able to understand and participate, even minimally.
She likes to bad mouth me to the brothers, and it is getting unbearable for me.
The boys know it’s not true, but they always tell me what she says.
It hurts, I just asked them to stop telling me all that stuff. And call or go see your momma more, she’s lonesome.
Didn’t know it was going to start a firestorm with the SIL’s .
Can you have a do over? Seek a second chance?
The whole meeting was basically about Moms rude behavior to me, and getting the boys to call or go in more to see her, and to talk to her about it.
We made no decisions on her care, that would involve SIL.s
Do you have her POA and health care POA?
I was the local sib - 3 brothers out of state. My mother didn't appreciate what I did for her. She expected me to be at her beck and call because she gave me her car (blue book value). She did not like when I set down strict boundaries about when I would be her driver. She insisted on going everywhere with me -- it would have been so much easier if she'd have let me do her shopping for her when I did mine. I was never paid for gas, even.
And everything took HOURS...but my time wasn't worth anything, as she told me. Of course she had no idea how long everything took. Yet she would defend the brother who didn't come for nearly two years as being too "busy."
I sent my brothers an email every time I did something for her or took her anywhere, and made sure to include how much time it took. I'm not sure they even read the emails, but the case could never be made that they had no idea of what I was going through.
My husband tried to pull that on me...nope, this is your problem not mine, I already had enough dealing with my family...pass.
So with that said, in order to get some support for you, I would include them. A meeting needs to be structured, so that is remains on a business level, not an emotional one. If you calling the meeting, get organized and stick to your outline, otherwise it will become a complete fiasco.
I see that happening here. You wanted some attention from your brothers to help you deal with mom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I would feel the same way! I'm sure you never intended to hurt your SIL's feelings, but that was unfortunately the take away. And unfortunately it's a valid take away as they are the spouses of your brother. Next time include them, it's not worth the drama not to and their main concern is probably fear that they are going to get volunteered for something they don't want to do.
At this point I think it would be a good idea to just be honest with all of them. Tell them you are depressed and burned out, and why. These people (siblings and spouses) care about you, it's best to let them know you are struggling and then accept whatever help they can give you. The SILs will likely stop being angry when they see that you are actually hurting pretty badly.
The other thing is to work on your own solutions to the depression and burnout. Therapy helped me. Coming here and reaching out really helped me. A little self care can go a long way to help your mental health.
Eventually you will have to figure out what your role will be with your mother going forward, and it's much better to do that when your not crippled with depression.
Good luck and know that you are not alone. Come back often and let us know how things are going.
EPIC FAIL.
Right out of the gate, I started the meeting, and we were going to first each take 5 minutes voice our concerns. YYB jumped into and onto whomever was speaking and yelled at us. Then he stood up and 'took the floor' so to speak and the rest is one of those family historical moments when you realize you're never going to all get along, never.
Nothing changed. Mother did not receive and never will receive the kind of quality care she NEEDS in her home. Brother initially banned us all from even seeing her, and my YB who has POA and all the legal power, just sat there. Doesn't DO conflict.
Our family walked away, completely fractured. My YYB does not speak to me, in fact, Mother asked me if I enjoyed my gift from her and I said I had not received one. I told her if she gave it to YYB to deliver, I would not be getting it. She does not see the fracture and for that, I am glad.
I was fabulously depressed over this for quite some time....but I have given up. My other sibs are not real 'hands on' people, unless asked, and Mother doesn't see that she needs.
She and YYB have a very sick intertwined relationship and it's really just sad.
Since you were planning to set things up and THEN include the inlaws--I think that is smart. I'm sorry it went badly. My other sibs' spouses were not the least interested in mom's care and it was just this one SIL.
I did this mtg with a prayer in my heart that we could all come to terms on getting mother in home care she needed ( and needs far more, now) and it failed so badly.
BTW--I have a MIL who is in the last stages of her life and I am not included or asked to be any part of her care, nor is my input wanted or asked for. I would NEVER attend a mtg where her kids try to hash out what to 'do' with her.
I would insist that I be included or you all take your mom. She is living in my home after all.
You sound SO burned out; you will NOT get your brothers (or SIL's) to understand how much you are doing, or that mom, with dementia, is mis-representing what is going on.
Please stop killing yourself and feeling resentful.
If anyone (family especially) asked me to meet up but not with my husband, my answer would be HELL NO.
Anything that needs to be said to me can be said in front of my husband too.
If you were worried your brothers wouldn’t listen, then say so up front. “I’m really worried about mom and I need you to hear me out” comes across much better than “I don’t want your wives there.”’
Like it or not, you and your brothers have known Mom longer than the in-laws and are ultimately responsible for her care. The in-laws can certainly be included, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with a preliminary siblings-only meeting where the subject is Mom and not "why didn't you include my spouse."
My husband's family will need to be having those meetings about their mom in the next year or two, and heaven help us if all the spouses are involved. There are seven siblings as it is, so if we also throw in the six spouses, nothing would even get accomplished. I am happy to not be included in those discussions when and if they ever get around to them, and if they want my opinion (since I'm the only one who has gone through this already), I'll give it.
Find a diplomatic way to tell your SILs and brothers that "this is not about you, but about Mom," and perhaps they'll calm down and let the meetings progress naturally.
My dad passed away 8 yrs ago....my brothers all left the next morning leaving me there with mom. They never offerd help in the 8 yrs i took of mom. Random 1 hour visits to check on moms house err... mom... i swear just see if she was still alive... Like who are these people??? Not the brothers that I grew up with.. they helped when i got beat up at school... recovered my mini bike when it was stolen.. I called them all out for not calling mom or visiting her.. and if they wanted to take her for awhile they could. Well that wasnt anything they wanted.
After 8 yrs of taking care of mom I was blessed as much as she was with me taking care of her... That said. My brothers became spineless to their spouses and i was not able to talk to my sibs without being critized by their spouses. And of course the spouses had their adding machine out. Had mom for 8 yrs ..last three was hospice at home for 30 months... of course I am financially broke, bad credit and no retirement and 2 heart surgeries (3 stents in each for total of 6 )in 17 months. I cant imagine my parents wanting any decision made by my siblings wives. In hindsight I would of politely told my sibs we need to talk leave your spouse at home.....and if they are truly lucky at a later date we might let them sit with our parent but otherwise this is not your parent.. I dont like my brothers spouses never will. unfortunately once the last parent passes the true character comes out. If your the main caregiver explain to sibs what you do and make them aware of caregiver burnout , how much for 4 hours of caregiving costs and respite options. Some just don't comprehend, they may call you a mooch or a grave robber ... a mooch takes everything they can and does whatever they want whenever they want. A caregiver takes very little has very little time if any to take a 2 minute shower but always there 24x7... last i remember grave robbers dont stick around for years to care for a parent.
Spouses are just annoying for the most part and are needless stressors unless of course they are one of a kind then they are probably better than your sibs themselves good luck!!!!! P.S. at the end of the day i was always thirsty and then remembered I forgot to drink water ... Always Hydrate .. Caregiving is like running a 26k marathon except they keep moving the finish line for another 26k. and then again...
On a more serious note, I would not have excluded the wives. Anything done or not done with your mom affects their lives too, even if you feel it’s more indirect than direct. If one brother is to visit more and commit to “once a week on Saturdays,” that is a decision his wife ought to agree with in that discussion as it affects her, their family unit, their plans, their kids, etc.
And family is family, even if some are divorce-able. If they were girlfriends or even fiancées, I’d agree with you. But even long-term, unmarried partners— id be likely to include in future family meetings.
Assuming they are reasonable women, I can’t imagine this is hard to fix. Just a call apologizing, saying you were being shortsighted and was just feeling hurt by your mother, made you view the situation only from your perspective and your wanting to discuss mom with “just” the brothers. Then just tell them that they’re all family to you and that moving forward, you’ll be sure to include them. Then hear their side out and I imagine it’d be over and done with. I don’t think this is like the SILs were not invited to the party of the year; perhaps nobody really wanted to be there — they just didn’t want to be specifically barred from coming and explicitly excluded.
And honestly, in our family, if there is going to be help added to the equation - it will be me, not DH. That may be the case in your family as well, that the wives will be the ones doing things.
I understand what you were thinking, my SIL thinks the same way. She often wants things to be "Just me and my brother", but she also doesn't realize -- her brother doesn't want to deal with her at all. He disagrees with her ideas for mom's care, and he really just hates having to interact with her at all. Spends all his time holding his tongue so he doesn't go off on her :( When I'm involved, I can mediate between them, and she doesn't even realize I'm doing it (neither does he, for that matter, LOL)
Hopefully your next meeting can clear the air and all of you can try to be one team working for your mom's benefit. Good luck, caregiving is hard, in so many ways, and family muck is a big part of it :(
I am also the DIL whom MIL moved in with, caregiver, advocate, meds, low sodium meals, laundry cleaning, hygiene, etc. We made sure she was happy and loved. ZERO assistance from either SIL, but lots of manipulation, orders and as I call them secret squirrel meetings and texts to husband that he immediately told me about. MIL lived with us for almost 2 years, spawn of satan SIL moved to Florida, which she thought she kept secret from us till last possible minute. When MIL suffered a massive stroke, losing her speach and whole right side, Florida sil refused to come see her, expected me to call and put her on speaker phone if anything happened so she could listen in as her mom passed. This person does not work, has more than enough miles to fly for free both ways many times over and could have stayed at my home for free. Told her I was not asking her to do anything but to visit with her mother so MIL could see her. Nope, and don't try to call me this afternoon, I plan on getting in the pool today. So I do understand why they would be hurt by being excluded. Sometimes brothers don't get it, and need to have things explained to them, sometimes SIL may have a bit more knowledge of certain aspects of what needs to be done or how to apply for additional help. If having a siblings only meeting about mom maybe a better way would be to tell everyone in a group text so there are no misunderstandings or hard feelings that initial conversation will be siblings only with follow up to include all who wish to participate. My position is a bit different than yours because you have been doing the caregiving, not them, in my case it was all on me, not them. Husband helped with household upkeep where he could, just wish he would've told them to either help out or shut up. Now the arguments about I want have begun. Do this, do that, still zero help but plenty of demands and orders. Wishing you peace during your trying time, hopefully things will work out for the best for all concerned. It's a hard, stressful, lonely road to be a caregiver who does not have daily help with their loved one. Best wishes to you.
ANYWAY, it all depends on the situation. I am my mom's healthcare rep now and my brother is financial poa. My husband doesn't care to go to any meetings regarding my mom. He will go and see her. My brother and I will work together and most of the conversations that we have are by e-mail
I say, just go with the flow. If you can get along with the SIL's, then do what you feel is best.
I think I can understand why you wanted to get together just with your siblings the first time. These things are difficult to talk about and it might have seemed easier on your nerves to have only the people you grew up with there - a kind of privacy. But moving forward, I think you should include the spouses. As others have said, as women it's likely they'll end up with most of the actual work of it. And in the long run, does it really matter if they're included?
You said you're getting burned out. Why foster conflict when you're already tired and worn down? I don't think you did anything especially wrong for the first meeting, but if I were you I'd let go a little - apologize to the inlaws, ask for - and accept - their help. You can't go this alone. Let others help.
The sibling spouses may also be concerned that if you cannot or will not take care of mom in the future, the burden will fall on them. That is something they may not agree to. It's easy to dump that burden on the last person standing which appears to be you thus far.
If mom needs a nursing home due to frailty and falling, someone will have to come up with the funds for that. Perhaps the spouses of siblings are concerned about financial commitments. That is one of the biggest sticking points for many families.
Family comes in all forms.
When a sibling marries or takes a life partner that person becomes family.
If a sibling has a supportive spouse why exclude them from a family meeting.
Would you exclude a spouse from any other family get together?
As a parent, spouse or friend declines due to health issues you need all the help, love, support that will come your way. In some cases you might even find that spouses are more helpful, more supportive than blood relatives.
The old saying..It takes a village...is so true not just when raising a child but on the other end of the life journey.
Include everyone in your "village"
and another..A burden shared is a burden halved.
I won't agree to chipping in $ for this. MIL inherited $ from a cousin, and she blew through most of that traveling the world. And why should we pay to save someone else's inheritance (the D who will inherit the house)? The house should be sold to fund MIL's care.
So, yes, I would be expected to be involved in any decisions regarding MIL's care that involve MY $.